Please understand that when I say these things it's not really me talking, it's the concrete in my stomach, it's the staples in between my toes, it's the zip ties around my wrists, it's the scars around my wrists, it's the coals in my throat, it's the liquor in my throat, it's the liquor in the cabinet my mom never had to put a lock on until I started hiding in it, it's the noose around my neck, it's the smoke in my eyes, it's the bullet in the barrel, it's the gun in my dad's closet, it's the gun in my hand, in my mouth, when I say these things it's not really me talking, it's all these things trying to get out.

I like the way a cigarette hangs
Out his mouth
Crooked
Like his smile
I like the way
His shoulders hang
And also
I like his hands
That knows a woman’s body
But mostly I like
That his eyes
Likes me
Though not me
But my body
And though I don’t like
Being objectified
I like
That he likes me tonight

Remember that overused line
about how opposites attract

As if we were comparable
to the idea of magnets
where North and South linked each other

Meaning our bond was built like this,
where we knew we were different,
but still we wound up together.

But later on we figured out
that there was not much between us,
that we’re more same than different

If its true how the saying goes,
there would be no reason for me
to even think why we’re apart.

Because opposites do attract,
and we found out we’re more alike.
So maybe that's the answer why.
Why it felt like you were drifting,
slowly drifting away from me.

Because when it comes to magnets,
opposites do attract each other.
But then we weren’t opposites,
because we saw ourselves in each other.

He was her 11:11 wish, still.

Letting go, the deepest fear
I could ever imagine

But I had no choice
not if my heart was
ever to be allowed healing

Not stitched or sewn together as
a patchwork cloak that would be
a duvet for the coming months

This would be
the ultimate surrender
to loving you, knowing
wherever I was going
you may catch me up

An uncertainty, I too, let go
without a kiss goodbye or
a farewell glance
as the words
stopped falling
from your mouth into
the vacuum of space
between us

Standing in the smoke of words,
I sit, I lay down
and I watch clouds
fade to nothing.

© Sia Jane