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Mike Hauser Nov 2014
To battle off intruders
I hired a dog named Goober
He came to me packing heat
I think it is a Luger

He's not a German Shepard
Though his collar and holster are made of leather
He graduated Obedience School
Proudly wearing his Letter Sweater

I pay him in dog biscuits
Which cuts down on doing dishes
As we toss ideas around
When problems arise Goober licks it

He came with papers so all could see
Showing he is the best of breed
Also to lay out on the floor
In case Goober feels the need

Goober has been a great asset
All the intruders around here left
In case you feel the need to ask
...Just don't ask the cat
Mike Hauser Nov 2015
To battle off intruders
I hired a dog named Goober
He came to me packing heat
I think it is a Luger

He's not a German Shepard
Though his collar and holster are made of leather
He graduated Obedience School
Proudly wearing his Letter Sweater

I pay him in dog biscuits
Which cuts down on doing dishes
As we toss ideas around
When problems arise Goober licks it

He came with papers so all could see
Showing he is the best of breed
Also to lay out on the floor
In case Goober feels the need

Goober has been a great asset
All the intruders around here left
In case you feel the need to ask
...Just don't ask the cat
This popped up on my Facebook memories and it was so fun thought I'd share it again.
Erali Pisce Mar 2015
You're not someone who can outline all the interworkings of my body.
Someone who will play my games with me.
who will call me Goober.
will see animals as Brothers and Sisters.
snore loudly in my ear at night.
That's okay.
*I think.
Anonymous Jun 2014
I'd like to think I'm going to marry somebody who loves all the same things I do, somebody who is 'perfect' for me. But that's the thing about love, it's forever changing and there is no such thing as perfect, just commitment. It isn't about finding somebody who is just like you, its finding somebody whose different. Love is finding somebody who grows you and stretches you, it's not always about the bubbly stuff movies make love out to be.
I bet you my future spouse will hate Star Wars, they'll probably tell me that I need to get a shed to put my Star Wars collection in. They'll probably tell me it can be like my own humble abode away from the madness of kids (if we have any) or from the cluttered house. I bet you they'll smile and graze my arm while trying to convince me; and I will be convinced. I'll move my collection I spent years adding to into a shed because I love the person who hates that my collection clashes with our house.
I'll turn on the radio while we're driving and when my favorite song comes on I'll turn it up and sing my heart out. And just because they know it's my favorite they won't change it, even though they absolutely hate it.  
I'll tell my spouse I want a writing studio and they'll protest and say they hate waking up in the middle of the night wondering why I'm scribbling words onto paper instead of holding them close. But even though they don't like waking up alone they'll let me have my own studio because they know that I love writing as if it were a part of my very soul.
My spouse will probably be reserved and hate taking risks, but I'll beg them to come on adventures with me. After debating endlessly about safety and risk involved we'll probably settle for a living room camp out because they don't like bugs and the smell of a musty old tent is enough to make it seem realistic. I'll probably protest and complain but still gladly embark on a pretend camping adventure because it's not where you are but who you're with.
When we go on vacation you'll complain that I always force you to take unnecessary risks. You'll hate that I take you to underwater caverns because you're worried we'll somehow get trapped. I'll scare the hell out of you most times but you'll remember that's why you love me, because I'm a constant adrenaline seeking adventurer. You won't always embark on the adventures with me, but you'll always be there by my side seeing it through your perspective, and we'll always share what it's like through our eyes. I'd like to think that hearing my energized booming voice talk about jumping off a 60ft waterfall will be enough of a thrill for you.
I won't want to cuddle with you because I get hot easily. You'll  still hold me close because you know how much I love your scent and the steady rhythm of your breathing coaxing me to sleep. I'll wake up in the middle of the night give you a kiss on the forehead and probably sit on our bathroom tub with a cup of coffee  just thinking about how lucky I am.
You'll think its weird that I need to drink coffee to help me sleep. You'll hold my leg down while we're in important meetings or church just like my mother always has. You'll give me the look that says "stop shaking" and I'll try my best to, but I'll probably start back up in 5 minutes. You won't entirely understand my ADHD and constant need to move, but you'll think it's charming that I'll always be up before you with your coffee already prepared the way you like it. I hope you'll like coffee as much as I do, but in reality you probably wont. So I'll make you tea instead, and if drinks aren't your thing I'll make you breakfast. I'm sure you'll feel like you married a child who is always hyper and it'll royally **** you off most days but you'll remember that's the reason you we're so intrigued by me. You liked that I reminded you of childhood and what it's like to have fun.
I'll still drag you to the toy store when we're 40 and I'll use our kids as an excuse (if we have them). I'll tell you that toys are important for a child to develop normally, but in reality I'll just want to chase you down the isles with some super hero mask and a plastic sword. I'll end up buying you a tacky key chain that you'll hate, but you'll keep it on your keys because it'll remind you of what a goober I am.
I imagine you'll hate the cold, you won't want to go snowboarding with me, instead you'd stay in cabin cozied up to the fireplace with a book and warm cider. I'll beg you to just try it a couple times and you will, I hope you end up liking it but if you don't maybe you'll still enjoy being in a place I love so much. You'll love being places tropical full of sun and peaceful ocean noises, and I'll hate it. I'll complain about heat rashes and the humidity but I'll shut up the second your eyes light up when you peer at the ocean from our hotel balcony.
We'll probably fight more than 50% of our relationship, maybe not fights but bickering arguments. When I'm driving you'll be yelling and screaming about how terrible or a driver I am. And when you drive I'll complain about how much of a grandma driver you are. We'll bicker about what kind of milk to buy and if we should buy organic produce or just the regular kind. We'll argue about music, movie choices, and travel plans, but it won't be terrible fighting that end with tears and broken plates, it'll end with the cold shoulder for 5 minutes then settle back to normal. We will **** each other off to no end, but we'll love so deeply. I'll always think I'm right when we argue, and I can't wait for all the times you'll put me in my places. I can't wait for a life with you, full of love and compromises.

Dear you,
I promise that I wont always be an *******, even though you'll probably be a bigger one. We'll go out to eat and make up ridiculous scenarios about people just to entertain ourselves. We'll simultaneously get annoyed with people who are ignorant, and we'll spend countless days and nights laughing about how terrible we are. We will argue and we will fight, but we will never go to bed mad, that has to be in our wedding vowels or something. We always have to be willing to try new things for each other, even if it sounds terrible. We will always find our way back to each other, even after a long sleepless night of arguing. When you say you love me on our wedding day you will always mean it, so if the fire burns out you have to promise that you'll always be willing to find it again. I know I'm a pain in the *** and I'm hard to love but I promise I will love you so deeply and fully. Nobody ever said marriage would be easy, but that doesn't mean I'm not willing to sacrifice 'easy' for you. I'm ready to embark on a journey of a life time with you no matter how hard it gets. I love you, you dumb ****.
alarm
dogmatical snakebird dictator
**** rooster of electro maniacal damnation

wake
goober eyed ithyphallic mortal yahoo yawns
glacier shuffle to Midas’ bowl

brush
minty hairy pasty headed *******
seafoam ***** on white vanity beaches

shave
deceitful murderous metal cartel scraping
dead shrubs from yesterday’s winter

breakfast
egg flour chalk smack
guzzling bean kerosene

work
batshit bureaucratic badgers bludgeon
muktuk hamsters lubricating wheels of fortune

lunch
butcher’s dead friend between greasy toasted cement
harlot’s heavenly tomato mating cabbage cousin

work
taradiddle of martyrs at jargon’s temple blather
babble, bumble - copulation without *******

dinner
unicorn steaks, butterfly sauté, and
leprechaun fingers, a side of manslaughter dolphin

sleep
a felon’s holiday

repeat
Autumn Lewis Apr 2018
I love the one who makes me laugh for no reason
I love the one I've made it through all the seasons
I love the curve of his smile and the way his eyes grow when he sees me
I love the one who took the bitter out of my heart and replaced it with glee

I will never forget the touch of his skin for the first time
I will never forget the hours we spent on my back porch listening to the wind chimes
I will never forget the everlasting kiss that sealed our fate
I will never forget the words that took away my breath , "Would you want to date?"

I will never forget and always love the one
To my perfect boyfriend and mate I hope forever <3
Mark  Oct 2019
Hick-Hop Thang
Mark Oct 2019
Barnyard ****, just raised a city born, sort of a chick    
Even gave her the surburban name of Sandra Dee Fonda
A pretty slow blonde critter, some even say, short of a tick      
Bred way-down and far-away, ‘bout 70 miles yonder            
Y’all be knowing dat Hick-Hop thang, is what it‘s all about            
While hootin’ and scootin’, never let ya kissin’ cousin, flake out
Hee Haw, said it all, when we were a pickin’ and a grinnin’
Ask Goober, what’s dat ya doin’ and what’s dat ya diggin’?  
 
Perhaps I may yet die, with my boots still placed upon            
Cowards never really stay around here long enough             
To actually become real cowboy shootin’ stuff, my dear            
I say, ‘Hang ‘em first and try ‘em later on’            
My life was always threatened daily            
That’s why, I went out heavily armed, just like an Israeli      
         
I’ve been invited to the Marty Party, along with Brother Brown
But, I thought killing a man, was my one and only, speciality
Even drafted a business proposition, for this exact locality
Since I’ve had the market cornered, in da middle of downtown
From Cornfield, Alabama to Deadwood, South Dakota            
There’s no import or export taxes, so no **** amount of quota
So, me, you and even that Clay Ellison, will be riding a winner
Even after killin’ that Chunk Kolbert, straight after his dinner  
 
Perhaps I may yet die, with my boots still placed upon
Cowards never really stay around here long enough
To actually become real cowboy shootin’ stuff, my dear            
I say, ‘Hang ‘em first and try ‘em later on’            
My life was always threatened daily            
That’s why, I went out heavily armed, just like an Israeli        
           
They’ll be gettin’ da same amount of ice, as Knoxville            
But the rich will be a gettin’ it, in da summertime            
While the poor will be a gettin’ it, in da wintertime            
If I owned Texas & Hell, I’d rent out Texas & live in Hell            
So, don’t ever think about, hittin’ ya mother with a shovel            
It’ll leave a dull impression on her already fragile mind            
I’m not afraid to die, as a brave man fighting shall            
But I wouldn’t wanna be killed, like a dog unarmed, so please be kind            
           
Perhaps I may yet die, with my boots still placed upon
Cowards never really stay around here long enough
To actually become real cowboy shootin’ stuff, my dear            
I say, ‘Hang ‘em first and try ‘em later on’            
My life was always threatened daily            
That’s why, I went out heavily armed, just like an Israeli            
           
I see a good many enemies around me, who will walk            
But notice mighty few friends, that are willing to talk            
They would then, drink right smart            
They could then, scrap right smart            
But, I didn’t come here to talk, I just came here to hang            
Just a peekin’ through, the hour glass thang  
 
Perhaps I may yet die, with my boots still placed upon
Cowards never really stay around here long enough
To actually become real cowboy shootin’ stuff, my dear            
I say, ‘Hang ‘em first and try ‘em later on’            
My life was always threatened daily            
That’s why, I went out heavily armed, just like an Israeli.
taylor kathleen Oct 2015
in life, people have their own paths, trajectories... going through space.
those who aren't on the same path as you will collide into you briefly but continue on into a slightly different direction. we forever affect each other when our paths intersect.

you and i collided during the fresh part of my nineteenth year.
it was intended for fulfilling the desire of companionship yet became platonic.
you were a bad boy; rough exterior but in my perspective were a dear.
such a switch on my usual attraction aspect, not enjoying your habits that were persistently chronic.

those eyes
oh those eyes

i truly saw your inner buddha- i opened your box.
we clicked. never have i felt such comfort in a short amount of time,
however; you didn't change, in the end still sneaky as a fox....
my knowledge that you lie and cheat made me come to the conclusion that you would never be mine.

i fell in love. my first love. my asteroid. kyle.
hard to believe in a desert of all the places!
you held me ever so tight, gave me wicked butterflies & a goober smile.
still, left was uncertainty and doubt- many traces.

my mind was puzzled and never felt right.
i switched motives daily, always changing my mind. where is my mind?
attempting to hold onto our relationship i put everything fourth with all my being, my might....
found out the truth after a first intimate night; you led me blind.

really? you ****** her. i asked you over and over still lies.
really? you told him. a private matter you shared with a friend.
really? you could never prove a change- same black skies.
really? you betrayed my trust. we'll never be the same in the end.

you were my first love
at least i think
my asteroid that is now moving on after collision... my life you are out of
no more late night cuddles, simplistic kisses or terrible winks.

happiness fills my soul now that i can move on
for my heart broke in half and i have to mend it on my own
i do not regret our time spent, never thought it was wrong.
a man who truly respects and loves me will find me someday, for now i find myself alone.

thank you kyle for letting me get to know you without a mask.
this journey was an adventure and i'll never look back.
#breakup #firstlove #victimsversusvillians #asteroids
JB Claywell Sep 2015
“So, some ******* tells me that I should thank all of the men and women who have served our country and allowed me to have this glorious three-day-weekend. I says to the goon, Yeah? Do you know why we’s are able to enjoy these fine bratwursts on this, a spectacular Monday afternoon? Sure, sure, he tells me. It’s because’a all the service men and women.  What?  So, I asks the guy…What exact holiday are you’s celebratin’? And, he says to me: Why, Labor Day, of course!  So, finally I says to the guy, I says listen here you ******’ goober, I says if you wanna thank dead or living soldiers for your freedom all day long, every day, you’s go right ahead. Hell, I tells ‘em; I’ll even join ya! Lord knows them guys deserve it. But, I says, but…If you wanna thank a poor dead ******* particularly for a tree-day-weekend, known specifically as Labor Day, then you gotta tip ya ******’ hat and say tanks to Jimmy ******’ Hoffa. May he rest in peace, cement and peace, but mostly peace.”

-JBClaywell
©2015 P&ZPublications
à la Hubert Selby Jr.
Casey Hamilton Nov 2016
"Babe" - it just slipped out one day - an
Enigma, how could she make me such
A fool with simply a gaze? You must
Understand, I hadn't felt anything like
This in many a moon. A few
Years, really, but it feels like so much more.
That girl - what a ***** - I can't fathom
How exactly she gripped my heart so quickly.
You're a siren, a goddess, a myth.
Never in a million million years did I think
Anyone could be so into me - your
Mouth curves into the most gorgeous,
Energetic, and captivating smile - how exactly
Is it that she could ever feel the
Same butterflies that I feel?
Call me lucky, I suppose.
Hell, I'm the luckiest goober on
Earth to even get a chance to lay my
Lips against yours; decadent and
Soft, like a honeybee landing on a flower,
Eating away at the pollen, preparing to make
A batch of honey - honey, like her voice.

— The End —