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All along my trigger was you and I can't stand it                                          
To this subconcious fear I light up and take a hit
Tumbling forever I never thought this would quit                                        
Because I thought I could distinguish love from
*******.
Isobel G Feb 2011
Slipping,
I am slipping,
Beyond the safety,
Of the surface,
Sinking,
Into the weightlessness,
Of transparent blue-green,
That consumes me,
And I drown,
With you,
In my subconcious
©Nicola-Isobel H.      27.02.2011
Lianna Walters May 2015
Where I was, was bad,
But where I am is worse.
I feel like they’re taking away who I am,
Filling my bloodstream with anti-depressants,
Forcing me to become someone I’m not
Someone I don’t want to be.
The fact remains that my sadness defined me
Struggling against the medication
Desperately attempting to hold onto the part of me that’s me
Wanting so badly for my days to mean something
Instead of the same bland depressing schedule I face everyday
The pills do nothing but supress my suicidal thoughts to my subconcious
So I'm forced to fake a smile, one unlike any other.
This one is to keep them from increasing my dosage,
And I'm scared.
I've never felt so alone
This is what I get
For asking for help
Samir Apr 2011
My eyes
are burning right now
but the tears are empty inside

fragile as glass
they hit my cheek and they shatter
into a million diamonds,

WHY?
must you always be the thorn that's
painfully, stuck in, my side?

and WHY?
must you always betray me
and promise me that you are shy

or I should say innocent
is there ever an end to the

argument of the hemorrhage
the hemorrhage of
"I'm sorry I lied"

I NEVER WANNA HEAR YOU AGAIN!
HEAR YOU SAY "SORRY I LIED!"

and now that I know who
you've changed me to
inside

these shards of glass forever lost,
haunt my wounds in my skin,
and the deeper they sink
the more they confirm
its your pride.

to add insult to injury
they make me able to feel

however its only temporary
some would even call it
some-times

while my "face" is  left bleeding at the thought of how
carefully designed
the thought itself is
to remind me how

this is metacommunication,
but i know you dont believe me,
it really wasn't up to me,
and you'll never leave me

I swear it wasn't me!
I swear it wasn't me!
I swear it wasn't me!
I swear it was
all
up
to
my
MIND!

MIND!

MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIND!

but i tried
and my heart will break and subside,
pouring and/or spilling like acid
I swear

it's just like
the red sea
except a crimson river
filled with sin
parted way way back,
since biblical times.

and you my dear
will forever be
men-a-cing
menacing
a thorn in my side

forever a scar in the memory of
forever a scar in the memory of my mind
repeated over again so as to make sure that
I will never find

that the real reason why
I can never decide
is because you never wanted me to

you only wanted happiness however,

and as you walked away you said, "I'm sorry to you"
you said, "I'm sorry i lied...
we could spend forever pointing fingers
ending up with nothing every single time
you said two wrongs will never make a right"

but there's no such thing as right and wrong
there's only how you feel inside

you said, "I'm sorry i lied... I'm sorry you  cried
its just that
I forgot to mention this one little aspect
where i only care about me..

myself...


and I.

I!!!!!!

I!!!!!!

ME!, MYSELF!, AND I!!!!!!!!!
1/3/2011 Samir Shahrestan

*Was originally written as a song- From A Silent Cryptic Basement
Haven Collie Aug 2010
amber lips are
getting too red.
the cat's eyes are
getting too cloudy.
the scratches
in the wood paneling
are getting too deep
& the church bell
that you can hear
from the mountains
is getting too loud.
the stack of pillows on
my desk chair is
about to fall over,
& the neighbors
are getting too high.
the molding
is getting too cracked.
the paint is
getting too faded
& my screams
are getting too quiet.
Daniel Apr 2015
Dreaming out my subconcious
because I miss the idea of us.

You were up high in my apartment tree,
swinging side to side in a wooden seat.
I called out your name
but you didn't hear me--
Kept smiling at what you couldn't see.

At another slumber sleep,
I drove my car to your Murrieta home.
Had a hundred friends in the back seat
which meant I wasn't alone.
I knew I had the means of a GPS
which meant I didn't have to guess.
Had my memory when I knew you best.
*******
I swear I knew my way there.
So why was I lost in some deja vu despair?
Could no longer find my way
to your home in the middle of the day.

At another slumber feat,
we walked hand in hand on the fashion island.
You pushed me away in a tone
replying to some big question with a No.
And as you walked away from me
in front of the crowd to see,
I ran around the island
weeping like a street drunkard.
Sirens appeared to me--
offering sympathy at my dismay
but I kept sulking in a haze.

I dream out my subconcious
because I miss the idea of us.
Bang Bang
curlygirl Nov 2016
its no coincidence
that he only
holds me
when
he's
asleep.
Her body was as good as mine
She wanted mine and I wanted hers
I couldn't ask for  more
Hypnotized by lost and overcome with desire
The spark between our bodies was practically fire
Intensity picks up, our bodies together
Like lighter fluid, ready to be lit
With the slightest touch
Like two sticks rubbing together
The flame so strong yet my hands never got burned
The work I've done, your body earned
The smell of lust and sin in the air
The feel smooth and silky hair
Not a single care in the world
But to explore each others bodies until we grow old
They call me the deaf reaper,
The not-so-slim teacher,
You want a lesson?
Here ya go, let me beat ya,
I'm the best, I'm the worst dressed,
Ill fight you over your address,
I got arguments, I've got lies,
I ain't hearing your *******,
I'm making my own, and I Direct,
I do not listen.
I scream, to others but not to myself,
I'm half as great to me, twice as awesome to you,
I pity no fool,
I look at ignorance with a mixture of disgust,
And admirance.
I wanted to be a leader,
not a professor,
But profess this, my dearest,
queer hater, oh not gay,
Just weird and unneeded.,
Who will follow, A modern day ******,
Living for greatness, for evil for death,
no matter what else has been heeded.
Who can scream with the anger and the authority,
Oh, that is me, the deaf reaper.
Grim, grim!
Oh, but what a grin,
Smiling oh so devilishly,
Too deviously,
that even in his now once brightly lit din,
now on the road to recovery, through the death,
of his dearest emotions, friends,
family and hearing,
Only now can he see the vision,
But the vision was sent a year too late,
How cruel then, is fate?
Now, left with one penniless gift,
Lovely, quite irate.
Poetry, boys and girls,
Like what you feed to the dogs,
regurgitated meat,
infused with vitamins and
milk straight from the teats,
of an unwanted *****,
come here, a little closer,
if you dare meet fear,
Ill eat you, oh i'll eat you,
and lick up all your tears,
until only one fluid is leaking,
and your lips then smear,
for me all for me,
For I am not myself,
Only the images and lies,
Of beings far incompare,
what does it mean,
what does it mean,
oh Ill tell you little bean,
bean bounce bounce for jean,
look at her eyes, lustily,
She is a hand, the hand on the face,
watch it as it shivers, just out of place,
still in control, if only she could see,
Her hearing clouding her vision,
Of the demons in me.
No, no, for ever devoid,
take away the rest,
of these worthless toys,
You call feelings, given to me,
To ruin my intellect,
And degrade my being.
I will not let the good win out,
Oh I hate the light.
I will change the definition of good,
I will give death real meaning,
My own.
Listen, listen closely,
Listen to my tone.
It is the whispers, the whispers,
of the subconcious untold,
That part of you, deep inside,
that when seeing the hero win,
Says "well it woulda been cool to see,
the villain preside."
So give me the world, mind control,
and more. Oh look into these,
deep blue eyes, these,
fragile snowflakes,
these *****, *****, charms.
Feel my pain and agony,
As I disregard them,
Legion, consuming evertly,
Yum, Yum, I say with a sway,
But it is not food that I eat,
Nay, Nay, for the Deaf Reaper,
It is on another soul, another mind,
Another worthless human body,
That I PREY.
If you read it all the way through, please leave a comment. I want to hear what you have to say.
Nomkhumbulwa Feb 2019
One minute fine,
The next minute not,
It may be freezing cold,
But my brain is boiling hot.

The tingling sensation,
And then the trembling starts,
I cannot feel my legs,
Yet how I feel my heart!

The environment is spinning,
The air is getting thin,
No matter how fast I breathe,
I cant get enough oxygen in.

Things enter my mind,
I try to force them out,
But the harder I try,
The more they come back and shout.

I feel im going to faint,
Im feeling so sick,
I cannot run away,
All my legs let me do is sit.

My legs get weak and heavy,
My brain doesnt know whats going on,
Everything becomes something to fear,
The floor, my clothes, hair... and so on.

My mouth is dry like paper,
My body is sweating yet cold,
Where did all of this come from?
Is this what its like to get old?

My body feels frozen,
But my brain is running around,
Playing tricks on me,
Where there is no danger to be found.

Breathing exercises dont work
Though they make sense normally,
In the moment of panic -
You lose all sense of reality.

The images enter your mind,
You try to force them out,
But the harder you try,
The more they refuse to get out.

Everything becomes a danger,
I will say one more time,
Every object becomes a weapon,
And slices through your mind.

The nausea causes more panic,
The panic responds with more nausea,
What a horrific cycle,
How to stop it I have no idea.

****** functions fail,
The digestive system especially,
But now your afraid of the toilet (!)
Though you need it in a hurry.

The trembling is so intense,
The fear so intense,
You struggle to make a call,
Your mind and body losing control.

Diazepam becomes your best friend,
You'd worship it if you could,
Its often there to save the day,
..Although at other times you just wish it would...

The adrenal glands are to blame,
Im not the Adrenalin rush kind,
My adrenal glands are evil,
How can they be so cruel and unkind?!

I dont like my adrenal glands,
Im an ***** donar - but if I die please be warned,
DO NOT TAKE THE ADRENAL GLANDS,
...then again, with the right brain, they could be your friends?

Its the "brain- adrenal gland" combination,
Which is of the ******* kind,
Perhaps if brain sent out the right signals,
My adrenal glands might understand.

There is a time and place for adrenalin,
I have sampled many myself,
But this is just not one of them...
Yet - subconcious brain fears itself...

That is it.....the brain "fears itself"...
Well, I tried to put words to the panic...
Not sure if i did it justice.  I could have written more.  So much more.  Anyway...didnt really know / plan on writing it at all! :/

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