She hushes me repeatedly
as if my voice could be– too loud
for these shrunken, elder walls
What voice can I revive to tell her
that this little place...reminds me...?

Ratchet up the memories  
the young mistakes
my welfare “townhouse”

as if my voice could be too loud?!

Where does anger go to say
These cheesy rugs remind me!
of the smoky halls, stoop-sittin’
head lice, **** roach
fumigated invasion
Music loud enough to blow pipes
induce trauma through the walls
Thud Crash
“Stupid ****!”
Knife-weildin’, drug-sellin’, boyfriend-of-a-future

A can of beer later...
with stress on hold
the smells of dinner, now—all fifteen of them!
Assault me through the front window
“Ya there yet?
...to this “cute little apartment, I mean?"


So it’s sold…
Someone else will wash windows, rake the yard
Shovel Massachusetts snow

Christmas lights come down
in my mind—
Running toward them still
Toes numb
Skates bouncin on my back
Sled firing off sparks against the sidewalk in my wake
Running and as always late
Mittens soaked, heavy
Like my eyes—


Mom and I
looking out this window for the last time
Looking out toward the daughter of the woods I was
Behind—me
the bride sinks
to the bare mattress—
“Was it really 57 years?
How can it be?”

since...clutching can opener and Coke
He scooped her up and through that door....
  
“How can it be?   Oh my….”

"You can always keep the memories."
she chirps to check the tears
                                                           ­                                                                 ­But I can’t taste them!
…Mom baking cookies
stew and dumplings on the stove
Snitching chocolate bits
waiting for the bowl
Impatient little helpers at her side

Colors slipping…
A child husks corn in sunlight
A blue Huffy gleams behind birthday candles
Sheets billow from the line

Sounds fading...
A choir of music boxes
before the Christmas carnage
Doing dishes in three-part harmony

I can barely wrap my words around our voices!

“You can always keep the memories”

Preamble to the dutiful decision
Hypothermic excuse
to dump the place

Street sign shrinking in the rear-view

my kindness is my weakness
not mistaken
but taken for exactly what it is
and you
you peeped game
recognized that nothing in me would allow life to hurt you
so your shield i became
taking every bullet
every sword
every bill collector trying to put you in chains
handling things the way your woman should
the way your woman could
the way your woman would
if your woman was me
but it's not cause i'm crazy
content with being less than anything
no title
no name
no definition
just occasional **** to prolong my *******
i'm itching to get to snitching
and tell all of your women
that it's
no competition
The Problem's coalition
all on a mission to handle all of your business

you're welcome

but i'm not thanked
no gratitude or appreciation shows on your face
your clothes are washed
you're well fed
and your bills, all paid
at this point
every ***** is wondering why does she stay
but my ladies know
we see our men as what they really could be
if they didn't have
3, 4 or well
15 on the team
so you have no time to worry about my needs
cause what i wont do she will
and she does
and she's never done but
she'll do it for you
you lucky ******* fool
the world is in your hands
and i'm Pinnocio for you
my girls know
how my nose grows when i lie
and say i don't care

cause everytime i'm ready to exhale
and exit this hell
of living in the balance with you
you smother me
sucker me
cover me with a pillow of sweet words
and gift me
with a hope filled rillo
you season my chicken
with new found understanding
and pour me a tall glass of
tall tales of how you hope this **** last

and i stay

so for my unhappiness
who else can i blame
but the good in me
for hoping that eventually you will change.

FAKE FRIENDS

You call me a friend, as you pull out a knife
You stab me in the back, not once but twice
Friends for life, but that’s a straight up lie
You aint gotta clue, about Ride or Die

I’m surrounded by wolves that are dressed like sheep
Telling straight lies, dry snitching on me
Claiming it wasn’t you, behind the line up glass
You straight pointed out me, to save your own ***

I’d rather sweat buckets, to search out peace
Than spilling gallons of blood, fighting demons in me
The battle continues, frighten the anger within
It’s a full time job, dealing with FAKE *** FRIENDS

Ever time I think I know, what you’ll do next
You end up selling me out, for a yard or less
You made you a dollar, so I’m screaming again
You’re a straight up punk, a FAKE *** FRIEND      

I can sit and formulate a plan in my head
Take a ****** shot; make your FAKE *** DEAD
Now I’m on the run, a fugitive at large
Aint a FAKE *** FRIEND around, worth taking a charge

Their a dime a dozen, you can find them anywhere
Just don’t be fooled, because its buyer beware
It’s a known street rule, don’t say it wasn’t said
Because FAKE *** FRIENDS, usually wined up dead

But ill take what GOD gave me common sense, and walk away
It’s a soft *** move, but Ill write another day
Not locked up covered up, dealing with my sins
Nothing wrong with cutting off, a FAKE *** FRIEND

Aint a chick or dude around, can’t relate to what I’m saying
We all had friends, which were straight perpetrating
Saying they got our back, all the way to the end
Same ole same ole, just a FAKE *** FRIEND

So now I ride solo, I know it’s a risk
If push comes to shove, Ill add my girl to the list
Now I’m RICH and FAMOUS, and you wanna make amends
But as I told you before, **** FAKE *** FRIENDS!

it’s hard to express yourself when, the voices say i am snitching or squealing, i am not, i am trying to express myself

you see it’s hard to express myself when the people know they are in the wrong and they know it, so they tease in a very horrible way, i am a person

you see it’s hard to express yourself when, nobody cares what you have to say,

i don’t want to have this horrible teasing voice when i am expressing myself

i am not squealing, i am trying to clean my brain out, mind you it’s hard to express myself when i hear voices of my past being horrible to me

i don’t deserve this, you see it’s hard to express myself when when i express myself, my dad comes in and says your too shy to be like brian

let us men take over, but what i am trying to do is clean my brain, i don’t want give money till i want to give money, i need to look after myself

i didn’t want to buy that kid a pack of smokes, i hate kids who tease like that, just to get me in trouble with the men

it’s hard to express myself when, people think i liked being shy as a kid, when i hated it, it’s hard to express myself when my voices

are keeping me with the crazy people in the psych ward, i will never be as ******* up as them, but they have problems, and i am a nice person

i am too nice to be a psych ward patient

it’s hard to express myself when i feel people are saying your getting kidnapped all the fucken time

it’s hard to express myself when people judge me me of how i used to be, and not how i am now

it’s hard to express myself when people treat me like the person i used to be, a scared to express myself dude, to who i am dude, a loving life dude

it’s hard to express myself when i feel people are trying to get me back to the person i was, because, i ******* a lot of people, I HAVE CHANGED

it’s hard to express myself i hear that voice of the past saying, what’s ya problem, ****, what’s ya problem, ****

it’s hard to express myself when, the voices laugh at me when i have problems at doing something, i don’t want to be shy no more

it’s hard to express myself when, people say when i say i am not shy, people presume i want to fight, I DON’T

it’s hard to express myself when people are saying i am christian, but i am a buddhist, ya know cleaning my brain

it’s hard to express myself when i say i need to clean my brain, someone gets a garden hose and splashes it in my eyes saying, your still a little shy boy, LEAVE ME ALONE

it’s hard to express myself when, people are wanting me to do what i used to do, when i want to move on to the next phase of my life, putting my art and writing out there

it’s hard to express myself when, people saying we’re still not leaving you alone, all the fucken time, LEAVE ME ALONE, ****

it’s hard to express myself when people wanting me to be like their mob, when i hate being treated like a little woosey

i would like to find the person who put the voices in my head, and give him these voices to see how he likes it,

I AM NOT MENTAL, I HAVE SCHITZOPHRENIA, ok

Young Ston *****, The young ****** Disciple, (keep ya eyes peeled, dawg2)..Keep yo eyes peeled. Uhh..Keep yo eyes open (at all times2)..Keep ya eyes peeled dawg, Aye..Keep yo eyes open (at all times2)..Yo

I'm trying get outta this struggle I been in for so long dawg, I gotta put that work in tho, I gotta work hard dawg, I gotta get up off my *** & I gotta go out & get it for show , & (Imma  go hard3)..(these demons won't stop me2)..Uhh, (gotta keep yo eyes peeled dawg2)...yo, these ****** & ******* (will cross you2)..So you gotta keep ya eyes open (at all times2)...you (gotta keep yo eyes peeled dawg2)..Yeah (keep yo eyes peeled dawg2)..these ***** ******.. (They plotting2)..these ***** *******..(stay stalking2)..so keep yo eyes open (at all times2)..gotta (keep yo eyes peeled dawg3)..(Yeah2)..Keep yo eyes open (at all times2)
(keep yo eyes peeled2)..Yo

My eyes peeled at all times man,yo Cuhz, its alot of evil out here that wanna take control of me but I won't let em, I got the remote control homie,no Adam ******* but I push my own buttons mane, I gotta keep praying up to God constantly daily mane, (God got me2)..God got the whole family, OFTR mane, ***** we all eating ***** we straight, (Aye2)..I gotta keep my eyes peeled mane, I gotta keep my eyes open at all times no sleep..

The government dun made me a target now mane.., so I gotta keep my eyes open, & ears clean dude..Uhh, gotta keep my eyes peeled homie these ***** ****** fear me, & they hate on me so much, they so scared of me dawg, Imma weapon of mass destruction mane, I'm more dangerous than the wilderness, I'm more dangerous than a nuclear bomb mane, Yeah Imma terrorist, A extremist, A fanatic, I'm so radical, Yeah man I'm starting a revolution up soon so beware, America ..
Aye my goon ******  don't be scared just join  wit me & let's have some fun ******* **** up, dude,..

(Aye I gotta keep my eyes peeled2)...gotta keep my eyes open at all times now man.., Yeah, gotta keep my eyes peeled all day everyday, gotta keep my eyes peeled mane these ******* just want (my cake2)..they just wanna (take2)..untill I'm broke again, Shawty,.. Uhh, put a rubber on young ***** don't  be stupid, think wiser & smarter, I don't care how good the ***** looks mane, If you don't play yo cards right then there will be problems,Aye..real talk dawg

& Watch who you hang around Cuhz, these ****** is undercover cops Yeah..They snitching, Yeah them **** Informants be out here looking for trouble, so you better watch who you buy drugs from, &  watch who you talking on the phone wit too partner, Cuhz the FBI, is bugging all of us  Yeah, but **** em we still thugging..we still rebels no matter what..OFTR Yeah..Uhh

These racist cops keep killing my brothers , these busters , they don't give a **** about taking food outta a childs mouth..*******..
So you better keep yo eyes peeled dawg, Yeah (watch out..2)

My young ***** stay on the long narrow route, Yeah it's gonna be alot of times when you feel depressed sad & impatient, just keep waiting, but while you waiting hustle smater not harder & keep scheming dawg,..Yeah..
Aye gotta (keep yo eyes peeled dawg2)..yeah its alot of  evil (out here2)..that will cross ya,..Uhh, so (keep yo eyes peeled dawg2)..keep yo eyes open (at all times2)..Cuhz, these demons out here will cross ya..yep..they will cross you..(Ohh2)...Uhh

Gotta (keep yo eyes peeled dawg2)!/its alot of haters out here , **** they will even try infiltrating in yo squad..so watch out ..Uhh , (you better watch out2)..who rolling the blunt up too, they might lace that **** dawg, these ******* so jealous, they mad for nothing , man **** they might even try to first 48 yo ***, I'm just spitting game man, You gotta keep watch out, you gotta (keep yo eyes peeled2)..my *****, Cuhz..Imma say a prayer for all of the (real ******2)....Psalm 23: verse 4..Uhh


Even though we walk through the darkest valley, we will fear no evil, for The Heavenly Father is with us all, Jesus Christ is our protector & our saviour, his rod & staff comfort us..Amen.

OFTR keep yo eyes open..
Keep yo eyes peeled up in these streets mane..Aye
I gotta keep my eyes peeled homie,
I know these busters our here (wanna **** me*3)..
Aye