Artists are often
broken people
using the fragments of themselves
to create something new
and although
being healed
feels so complete
sometimes i want to be broken again
sometimes i want open wounds
so i can use the blood
to paint sunsets
so i can use the torn off pieces of skin as a canvas
so i can carve
masterpieces with the jagged bones left behind
but I can't bring myself to break my own heart in the name of Art

Let my silence teach you

what my words

did not

1
You poured your heart and soul out to her
She know secrets
Fears
Hopes
Dreams
Things you would never tell anyone
She knows you like the back of their hand
How to calm you down when you're upset at your parents
How to tell if you're sad
Or happy
Or hurting inside
So she must know how you're hurting inside
When you see her
When you hear her voice
When you feel her breathe
She must know how you're hurting

2
You realize
That nobody will ever look
As beautiful as she does
No one will rock mom jeans
Like her
Pull off button up prints
Like her
Tip her hat
Like her
Wear the same dusty shoes for years
Like her
Nobody
Will ever look as magical as she does
While *******
The beauty in her curves
The perfection in her uneven skin
The gorgeousness in her bruises
Scars
Stretch marks
Birthmarks
Pimples
A goddess
Of the imperfect beauty
That made her perfect

3
She doesn't look at anyone when she talks
She looks down
At her hands
Her feet
Whatever she's doing
She is the most interesting person
But so non engaging
But you love it
Because she didn't see you
She didn't see you look at her
How her lips changed shape to avoid her braces
How her eyes would light up when she was happy
How her eyes would darken when she was sad
Dimming the light
But not putting it out
How she didn't play with her hair
Or bat her eyelashes
Like other girls
How she instead turned away
To hide her obviously blushing face
How she didn't make eye contact
For fear of losing her self in your eyes
And not long after
You noticed yourself losing yourself
Entrapped in her web
Her web of love

4
You can't ever listen to the same songs
Must change your entire library
To not think of her
But still keep the music
In a separate playlist
Like and old closet
Filled with clothes you can't wear
But can't seem to throw away

5
11 am coffee on Saturdays
Soy mocha frapp with whip
Vanilla bean with caramel drizzle
Then watching netflix
Turns into
5 am coffee on Tuesdays
Black iced coffee
Then back to occupying your time
With more food
More black coffee
More pointless work
More loneliness

6
You can't go to sleep anymore
Insomnia
Itching
Hives
An empty spot next to you
You keep filling with stuff
An empty heart
You keep filling with sleeping pills
The smell her body wash
Is no longer stuck in the clothes you kept
Just the stench
Of your body
Gone days without showering
Because you can't stand the sight
Of her leave-in conditioner
Not being in your shower

7
You broke her
Told her she wasn't what you wanted
Because you believed it
Told her she wasn't your type
Because you believed it
Told her you couldn't be with her
Because you believed it
But now
Now
You see
That what you believed
Wasn't what you felt
See you can't look at your family
Without remembering
How much they hated her
You can't look at your friends
Without remembering
How they talked you away from her
You can't look at yourself
Without remembering
What you did to her
How could you do that
How could you do that?
How could you?
How!?

8
You will try to love another
Burry your memories in a closet
Lock it up
Throw away your feelings
Tie up the bag
Put your love in a box
Pack it up
You will try to love another
Give them the love that she deserved
The attention that she needed
The happiness that she craved
You will put your happiness aside
Trying to make everyone happy
Under the illusion
That you were making yourself happy
But then you'll see her one day
Sitting at a table
Eating lunch with her friends
And you'll go home
Unlock that closet
Untie that bag
Unpack that box
You will cry yourself to sleep that night
In the morning
Tell yourself it's okay
Then cry yourself to sleep the next night
The next few days
Then weeks
Then months
And suddenly
It will come to you
You will realize
That you can never truly stop loving her
You can never find true happiness
That she was your happiness
You will finally realize
That she is over you by now
That she is happy now
Without you

And you will never stop loving her
But she stopped loving you a lot time ago

I can’t unwrap myself
from your finger,
heartstrings thinning
as my clutch tightens

I’m afraid that if I let go,
even just a little,
the wind will blow
and like dandelions
dancing in the sky,
I will never be able
to find my way back to you.

Back to the place
I fell in love,
while still learning
to love myself.

Back to safety,
where nothing could touch me
other than your fingers of sin.

I’m starting to forget
the sound of your steps,
and everyday I hope
that I’ll soon be reminded.
But I’m slowly realizing that hearing “I miss you”
doesn’t always mean they’re coming back.

I loved you with soft kisses and warm hugs
with t-ball pictures in a scrapbook
and eating ice cream with your little sister the first time her heart was broken
I came to you in my love
with hands to hold when things got hard
and a smile to share when the world gave you a favor
My intentions were always laced with your happiness in mind
I wanted nothing more than to cheer for you in pridefulness
when you proved them all wrong
but also to walk you home in the dark when you struck out
I loved you with all the stars in the sky
with every word in the books
with every tear in my heart
loving someone like that
filled many holes I didn't know were there
it showed a side of me
I didn't recognize
A side of me I wanted to stick around
I loved you with soft kisses and warm hugs
with laced fingertips and galaxies through the freckles on your back
you loved me
with lustful touch and half chuckles
with clenched fist and a hesitant heart
I know we lived two completely different love stories
you found chaos in the same place I laid mine to rest
This is why we could never try the times
we would never last loving as we did
you see
you never fell in love with the oceans in my eyes
or the tenderness in my voice
you were searching for a violent love
in my peaceful heart
I suppose you didn't know you'd found a girl who could make a home
out of your getaway car