You should know
My first choice would be
To send you directly
You & YOU ALONE
If I’m an attention *****
It’s only for you
Yes, I desire your attention
Solely yours
If only you would let me love you

beyond midnight
restless
Whiskey floods the veins
Unshed tears over ashes,
these remains
Mourn the dead
Mourn the gone
Mourn the heart
from strong to wrong
Mourn the squandered past
the hollow aimless now
Frozen memory of that final last Farewell
Ponder empty broken words
Promises unkept
Pierced with sword
of hopes inept
Future nameless, fading figure
Sink as restless sleep takes over
Failed the fight
Dead tonight
Hope perhaps with morning light.

There's a bakery at the end of this dead-end street
It has lots of pastries with nothing to eat
I'm hungry so I hold your hand from across the miles
In your distant touch I feel a peace and start to smile
(a missing piece, more missed than missing now)
Let’s turn this dead-end to a through-street somehow
Even pouring concrete is romantic I’ve found
when done together with you…

Decades passed, in review:
I was happy on that journey, now sorry it’s through.
I miss being best friends with you.

I remember, in all 5 senses, you.
Dreams of you, light up all perceptions.

Visions pierce my sight
with vivid colors—red & blue
your tender eyes,
your beating heart,
lips lined with passion
back-dropped by seaside sunset brilliance.
You are my light.

Scents linger in mind’s breath—
you, so clean, shower-fresh;
tangy tangerine;
flowers--lavender and lilac,
varied hues of scented roses,
garden of our memories

My tongue, hungry for you, tastes our history as
shared popcorn, counted sushi, big soft pretzels, sampling tasty foods;
a shot of ***** from your mouth, light-headed shock;
and most missed that freshly long minty kiss; water licked from clean soft skin; the taste of you within. . .mmm

Your sounds whisper in my dreams—
rhythmic breathing; rhythmic heartbeat;
soft light lasting laughter ringing in my ears (though now long faded, those tones echo ever through the chambers of my mind);
gentle listening caring voice
(must you say “good-bye”?)

Forevermore I’ll miss, your loving touch—
warm & gentle, firm & safe,
strong secure hug, encompassing;
Playful moments, teasing
Would those moments ‘neath your skin,
Moments merging bodies, might return & lasting be.

I dream in all 5 senses wistfully,
wishing fully to sense you in reality.

Dismissed?
I’m ******!
Hey, YOU,
I’m smart too!
but you’re always debating
smart-woman hating
mansplaining
As if I never went to school
Do you think I am a fool?

I’m not just your pretty thing,
a lonely girl who wants a ring.
I have a brain inside me, too!
I converse as good as you
if you would stop behaving
like I am always wrong.
You think I can’t do things right enough for you?
****!
Relax! You’re so uptight?
Just chill with me
be real with me
treat me with equality
like your bromance buddy.

Hey! My star won’t fit
beneath your boot.
No, Baby! I was born to BLAZE
Bright
like a Woman!

They wrote it on her DNA
From mother’s mother’s mother
And all those aunts and uncles
The deacons, elders, teachers, preachers, leaders
They wrote her wrong:
  
“He’s weak, so be responsible”
“Don’t cry” “kneel down”
“Listen” “obey” “because I said so”
“sinner” “he died for YOU”
“Thou Shalt Not” … “shalt not” … “shalt not”…
“Be a good girl”, “say ‘sorry’”, “bow and pray”
“OBEY!”
“You must Forgive!!” Forgive, forgive…
  
(from infant, to girl, to ******* that grew)
Walk the line, speak OUR “truth”
THERE IS NO YOU!
REMEMBER: please, not pleasure
“That’s right, Kneel down, Apologize…”
Meek is pretty
Femininity
Yesss…bow…
seek PERFECTION

“Desire? NO! Desires don’t belong to you!”
Oh, Their desires? Honey, they can’t help it…

GIVE  
F O R G I V E
don’t live
don’t be
Just see
OTHERS
…
…
…
years
…
free
…
me
…
yet haunting whispers of the child’s ghost
remnants of her twisted DNA
Echoing cellular repercussions
through the years into the now
…it’s complicated…
(“May I have a rewrite?” she’d meekly plead)

“To late” wrote fate
she shrugs, “why hate?”
decides resigned just to deal

Did it again
repeated my sin
Let those feelings take the wheel
Expectations so unreal
Thunderstorm that stole the sun
****** up wishes come undone
Days wrapped up in a blurring daze
**** is scattered, lost, ablaze
…
As havoc’s ashes settle
passion is lost, no color
life has turned lack-luster
the fire has gone
just dullness on & on
Despair, an eternity
of empty
Wrong

I’ve been writing again, My Love
Inspired by want of you, My Muse
You, Only you, I crave because
This perfectly creamy plain vanilla life
lacking even specks…no tiny black dots of flavor,
it’s sweet and easy yet missing vibrancy
missing Something that I NEED
missing the hues of you.

This prettily-patched up heart of mine
(I’m sorry I hurt yours, too)
cries for brilliant flights of color,
Bursts of Flavor…
It cries for you, for you alone.
I’ve never felt a passion like yours,
never experienced a more thrilling ride
than when your love flowed inside..

Tell me, have you forever locked the gates?
Are your colors never more for me to taste?
Yes, you have told me so;
your answer, a forever “no”
Our love no more to be interlaced
For your shades vibrant, my hope was misplaced.

Once again, pragmatic droning of newscasters
juxtapose against the bomb Blasts
of another war Ringing around the world
in undulating ripples of potential risks.

As always, my thoughts Blast to you.

I, helpless to effect peace in the warring world,
will rather chime for you
soft ringing bells of loving wishes…
Wishful these, my caring thoughts,
could hold the power to assure that you
& all wrapped close inside your heart
would Remain safe,
that peace might e’er surround you
as a soft bed for your soul.
Through these bomb blasts
& their undulating ripples
of potential risks they would bring
I ring…
no, I Blast, my love & care to you…
Stay safe!

I’m trying to find a way back to me,
to undo some choice in my history  
when I took the wrong turn,
propelled down the wrong road.
Somewhere the me that was meant to be  
Turned into an alternate (missing) reality.
Yet, searching the map of my life I’m blind.
Which choice was not right, I can’t find
Or rather I can’t determine
at what point I should have deciphered the way.
When & where was lost
that stronger & happier me,
the “she” who I want to be?

Though, does all this questioning matter?  
It’s been a one-way street for so long.
Reverses & turns could just splatter
the good. Those I love would be gone.
Illusions, delusions, beacons of hope?
They’re all but a fevered dream to cope
Or a glow that spotlights how lonely the day
Yet, I continue this pondering to say:  
Is there hope for THIS life to be true?
(Could I ever find another like you?)

His lumbering grey aura
Cloud—thick, dark & heavy—
Crushing joy, rewriting smiles,
stifling laughter in its wake
overtook my peace…
I would know, again I seek,
How to make this seething sinkhole cease?

When I see a rainbow,
He brings the storm.

Home should not Suffocate
I need escape
from this Clouded asphyxiating place
guarded by his disapproving face.

I saw you again, Briefly
Before flitting away.
Later I whistled a rambling tune
While cooking dinner,
In domestic apron tied,
And passingly thought
“Yup, Still…”
Yet, somewhere deep inside
my heart missed you.
(for an eighth of a beat)
Reminiscing of alternate realities:
A-frame on the beach
Shared flight bottles
Cognac and what?

It doesn’t matter.
Pieces mis-fit…
Those lives we’d lived…
Would live…
Worlds apart
(Never mind the part
of you ever with me…)

The dream was real
The real a dream—
for fleeting (flown) Moments
in another time & place
We were matched, whole, complete, together…

Of course, unreal,
virtually imagined?

I was happy
living that night in time
Your time In me
Nearly forgotten?
A rare tingle,
Sensation, love, completeness
Never to be forgotten.

You…
Your remorse
Regret
Be gone

As I virtually compose our song
A Dream

I want you Big, Baby,
Lanky long and strong
Like those arms and legs and torso
Tangled up with mine in my dream…

I’m a Tiger, Baby
Crouching in the recess of your mind
I long to leap & pounce,
to ply your gently lips with wild raw passion
Feel my red writhing tongue
draw yours into an ****** dance
My hungry mouth tracing every line,
Arousing every hidden nerve
along the edges of your consciousness
until we lose all consciousness, sunk into desire.
Lost in this tingling moment
entrapped by our electric dance

I want you!
Long and strong, Baby!
Teasing me
Driving me to beg for more
More of you
I’m on my knees, Baby!
I’ll awaken, tease & tempt you
on my knees

I want you!
Driven,Baby!
Driven mad,
Wild & lost in me!
Grabbing, grasping, parting
With long strong arms
Hips pressed on hips
Pounding me
With that long strong head
Deeper, Harder, Yes!!
I love you! I Want you! I need you!
Yes!
I need you Again!
I love you Forever!

I would show you
In tone and word, touch and…
Do words exist sufficient to encapsulate
all the ways and senses?
I would use them all!
you would KNOW
my heart, soul, body…
You would know
the extent of sensation…
How I ache intensely to express
in every way and more
just how deeply
I Love You
Right now
If I could, I would
show you. You would know.

Cold rain-showers flood the winters here.
I’ve felt bubbling cool waterfalls
touch the senses like
ruby red ***** shots shared.
Cool waterfalls, winter rain showers, sensual shots
all remind…
like
the warm shower just now—long, sensual
Pleasure
I find
Myself
finally at peace with the water
(when fibers grip as muscles pulse
and water falls)
a heart throb? or break? so close . . .
both leave me gasping for life-giving breath
This water reminds…
If only to find
another guilty shot shared with you.
rather I’m
missing peace?
Am I pretending?
Where is life without a heart?
(pulsing muscle fibers of life)
where is my heart?
where is the missing piece?
Am I Really at peace with the water?
I am more now, at least,
than I was at 23

There’s a freak in her brain taking over again.
Dormant she waited, tortured then baited…
Emotional break…
“Once, Love? for memories’ sake?”
Yet, once is not enough.
Starved, she begs.
She’s rough. She’s plagued.
Demanding nightly, never lightly—
impassioned penance, love’s disease,
maintaining as fresh though long deceased
those mutual sins, two decades past…
Would you put her heart to rest?
Alas! her need is too deep, too vast
while you’ve no care left to soften her nest
Mourning, consumed, she resumes
downcast.

Happy Father’s Day

It’s my wish

Death comes in the winter
When all is grey & white & cold
Whether stealthily or raucously
Gnawing or pouncing
Prowling for entrails
Frigid
Final
Leaving empty beds and empty arms
Reminders of the empty holes
In the long-empty hearts
It’s icy fingers creep along the soul
Waking long-dead musings

…they buried them in the spring…

Yet for him
No grave will be dug
For some winters never End.

You’re closer now (in my waters?)
Yet, here I am
Lodged
between a rock and a hard place
just a little pebble
ticking away time in wishes
watching as the sun
rises, sets and years progress
Observing ocean tides
rise then gently recede…
Until one frigid night
intense & wild king currents
washed me out to sea
Lost in sand and sea-grass
as waves rock to & fro
watching ***** scuttle by
or snatched as eagles dive from the sky
Now I, like those hapless *****, aimless;
Never to rest on your welcome shores;
Remain, lodged
in these capriciously shifting sands of time
while you catch a connecting flight
Away

Cool crisp morning
Bright blue sky with scattered clouds
Happy children’s chatter
Snow-dressed mountains in the rearview mirror
Rise regally across the fog-cloaked Sound
framed by earthy evergreen spires…
These vibrations of sound and light
trace smiles ‘round my face & eyes
on this otherwise monotonous  morning drive to school.

I’d built thick prison bars,
enclosed the corner that you claimed in my heart.
How did your ghost break free
to set up residence in its entirety?
My heart is now too vital,
too wrapped around those tiny fragile ones
to risk a break again (like long ago).
I know it’s not your fault!
‘Twas nothing of your doing that freed this apparition,
ne’er replaced friend & lover
whose conquering flag was never burned,
for whom my love could never be excised.  
The simple fact is:
“Promise me,
no matter what happens,
you’ll always know I love you”
rings true of my love, too—
This heart-home where your ghost resides…
this domain where you are King
I am your palace, you the Royal tenant ever,
My Beloved.
To drive you back into that prison cell,
I will not even try.

You have your mother’s anxious tender heart
and couldn’t sleep the other night having heard
how another child felt as shots rang loudly
through the corridors of his school.
  
Now I, your mother, cannot rest
since learning how a child only 15 years of age
brought a stolen gun and ammo to his school,
a private show-and-tell.
We’ve walked past that school,
just around the corner and a block away
from where you sat today
in your “safe” suburban classroom.
  
Tomorrow I will hug and wish you a good day,
my dear little boy, and watch you walk away,
walk into your school and I will pray;
to gods not there I’ll ask,
that you return to me, still safe,
sharing silly anecdotes of your class…
May you stay in sweet oblivion
to the threats that weigh so heavy on
your mother’s tender anxious heart.

…

Three and a half years gone by
Now he’s in junior high
Several times this year his friends
Held memory of her life’s end—
she caught cross-fire in the local mall
casualty of a high-school brawl
with a gun

Now my boy & I consider streets
Packed with protestors marching to beats
demanding mercy & release
for brown folks who at their posts
of labor unbearable to most
were stolen from family & home.
In anger we bemoan
that meddling retaliation of the “king”,
“Bring the National guard, bring the Marines!
We’ll teach these rioters things
make them turn & run
from the shadow of our guns.”

My dear growing boy,
It brings me no joy
to watch the growing mess
of heartlessness & regress
that we adults now
will pass on, but I hope somehow
your tender caring heart will prevail
and that your generation might hail
a better tomorrow.

Love,
Mom

Please forgive me
I’ve been selfish but understand now:
You have more pressing worries than concerns of the heart;
More demanding business than that of this love.
Such distractions as passions are too much a burden.
I wish you well;
I wish you peace of heart and mind.

Two days past, I entered a different world
a world where I am liked, cared for…loved?
a world of warmth—naked, comfortable, warmth.
This soothing world, however,
is missing closeness, touch…
The shared hug must go unfelt,
the kiss of passion, untasted
the feverish chemistry, unfulfilled.
You found me; I found you.
I love you…
Yet, I miss you.
Come! step with me into that world
where we are physically together–
our Alternate Reality.

Driving home today  
my heart missed you  
I embraced it--that strong emotion of longing  
A daily occurrence
I'm lucky to have you to miss


. . .

(now, looking back)
I WAS lucky!
still am
...to have known you...

I'd rather miss you (however painfully)
than have those memories nonexistent
I'd rather wish you would talk
than not know how your voice would sound

Though that hope no more can flourish
the sentiments remain:
I'm lucky
missing you.

This moment in time is missing color...
It’s missing you.
In moments past, all was right, perfect.
Now, time is off-kilter.
These hollow moments are widening,
growing, expanding--
the famished are eating the fat
leaving large empty holes
black swollen craters
gaping grey moments in time
Askew missing you. . .

I express worry over states’ rights
concern for ICE & military overreach…

He’s angry there were people torching cars.

I care about the people ripped from home & family,
deterioration of due process…

He argues a test rocket exploding
had been misrepresented.

(I don’t really even care)

Fear dismissed turned to argument…

Maybe the moral of this story is:
I should find companionship with people
who value people first.
Human lives & their concerns,
Needs & basic rights
matter most to me.

My care won’t be dismissed…
but he might

Go, then!
I know the taste of shame
Erase the guilty memories of my name
but, please, in some hidden recess of your mind
find a way, a place to love me if you can
or pity if you must
Just, please don't hate me.
Give a care that I am heartsick & forgive
this contagion crafting errors of my ways
mistakes that further distanced you from me
and see
I just miss you still.

Exhausted
Empty
from trying to hold
all their emotions with love
while mine flow unseen.

Even now, no-one knows
how I paused returning home,
set crutches aside, sat on the curb & cried
safely hidden from spying cameras & eyes.

Since I walked through that door
I’ve absorbed their emotions:
disappointment & blame,
frustration & sadness
irritation & hurt…
‘til now bewildered, exhausted
with no one to hold my heart
and care that I, too, feel…
spent
nothing left but a weary sigh
before I return to pry
the story of why he’d sleep on the couch
tonight

ah, sweet memories
the music, the poems, the prose…
to feel such sweet reminiscence
those rose-colored glasses, retrospect.  
How I relish such memories  
They are treasures to be hoarded
future death-bed consolation.
  
Here rests a gallery of melancholic sweetness
Mingling of sugary and ****
teases the palate…
This heart remains where it ought to be  
pulsing, loving, reminiscing,  
living every day, absorbing each moment,
gathering fresh memories
to safely file away

I traversed a street overflowed with memories:  
some reminded me of one i longed to see,  
in whose presence i desired most to be…  
time had fashioned fresh new flavors  
to pour into the mix of recollections—  
some when reunited with a friend;
some of me alone, satisfied;
some served as tokens, offering of peace,  
remembrances of fond moments from the past…  
I paused there, offered a prayer
for this– the "now" that would create the future yet to be
I also offered penance for bygone hurts I'd heedlessly inflicted
Hear my prayer here on Memory Lane
May these moments–past, present, future–
be forever held, precious.

I fear
no matter what I say or don’t
a moment will return of greater absence…
how long will be the wait?
and will you still return?
or absent stay?
so silent I remain
I fear

I want more
yet more I fear the less
so in these lesser shadows now I lay
tongue-tied
pointlessly wishing & wondering
more of you

shots of you
showers
alternate realities
holding
being held
wanting while dreaming pleasure
warm breath brushing neck
presence of voice and body
soothing reassurance
strong embrace that cannot say goodbye
gentle kiss that cannot let go
assurance of eternal love
even when perfection is a fading moment faintly remembered
as the pleasure of its presence and the pain of its passing.

How comforting, those simple words,
“I do that, too.”
Then, I knew I wasn’t alone.
If it makes me broken or crazy,
at least I have company.

What if in my waning years
No child, friend or Love I find
close beside to truly know my mind?
This my midnight fear I ponder:
As time marches on
will I be left behind…

I have been thinking today
Of things I wanted to do but never did
before dad died.
These thoughts morphed to questions
of what I’d wish to do–my bucket list–
with you.
  
I would, first, want to absorb
everything you,
to hear you share thoughts closest to your heart—passions, interests, people.
I would know your dreams,
your struggles, peeves and pleasures…
to hear you reminisce of life experiences…
I wish so much to hear.
Yes, first on my bucket list with you–conversation.
  
Next, we might enjoy together
outdoor experiences in nature.
Whatever adventures are accessible
I’d wish to share with you.
Exploring trails, seeing various animals
(just know that monkeys love to bite me!)
Expressing our awe in each wonder,
Drifting on the ocean waves…
And more, so much more!
  
I miss so much and ever would desire more
to explore the Chemistry of us…
I would try to more carefully capture
every single moment, each sensation,
Preserving in my mind’s museum
knowing you
Never would I have a single memory slip away or fade or blur.
  
My bucket list is not a list really…
It’s a lifetime
forever diving deeper into you.
It’s a bucket-full of moments lived together
It’s two lives conjoined overflowing with love
eternal

Just hold me  
Wipe away my tears  
Promise me  
Someday  
Because I miss you  

I think I hear  
Why  
But it doesn’t stop  
Me crying  
Or wishing  
Because I miss you
  
Do you know what I miss the most?
Friendship
I miss being friends.

I often cannot sleep in the deep
of night these days of late
when whispers of your memories
Rustle the pages of my mind
Until the world feels up-side down
hobbling along on a single foot
epitomizes sensations of art
meant to be shared by you
so I pretend to write and paint
playing at art as a child playing at life
whether calling it “house” or “family”
matters not when none of the actors
live in these cards
If only we could re-draw
would I hold your love in my hand
in another round of life?

There’s a gaping chasm
Empty, hollow, waiting…
A you-shaped heart-hole
Sometimes tiny tidbits of your world waft this way
Drawn by magnetic pull, crashing into me
They help soothe the edges for brief moments as they land
Or sometimes amplify the absence  
only echoes of desire
Phantoms
  
True balm to ease this open wound
Would be your words, your voice, your image…
Your life aligned with mine…
For now the trickling ointment
Evidence of your existence
must satisfy
These droplets matter
To my aching heart.
  
I Love & Miss
You…
YOU—the missing piece
still

Even now, hobbling around the house
with crutches…
this evening,
I imagine you on the couch with me again
*******
Inviting you to enter
This house is not my home
You are
I need you inside

Instead, empty
it all feels empty
as I’m missing you again

Long-desired Lover,
‘round whom my planet spins,
Your mighty hammer blows
within these deepest caverns
Vibrate an earthquake
reverberating pleasure
through every sighing shaking nerve
echoing remembrance, your aftershocks
throughout my body
Volcanoes blasting, burning, spouting
molten excitement marking skin
with your symbolism
mountains constrict
their twinning spheres
Glow with satisfaction
I Shiver…
This planet ever moans for you

A goodnight memo of peace  
Sharing soul-bound moments with you  
Before I rest my mind in sleep.  
My wish for you is boiling, bubbling,  
flowing over  
flooding the ache  
of missing your goodnight  
Hold.  
******* a kiss  
To jump start my happiest dreams  
Of feeling your warmth  
In my skin and core.  
Yes, this midnight I desire  
More  
Ever more  
Of you

Heart
in so many pieces still
no you as glue

Remain
Meld love
Patchwork hearts
Meant to be
in a somewhere reality

I must believe

without remains
too empty

Come back to me
in at least one
reality

Sometimes it feels as though
Each time we have a serious talk
I like him even less
(and often miss you more)
true again tonight
needing empathy
Is yours now distant too?

It’s been a while
since I saw your smile
seeming to approve
as I pretended it was you
inside

I miss that pleasure, gone now
since those brief clarifying words

your once hungry eyes
now whisper hinted cries
from dejection’s pit
satisfaction morphed to darkness
famished shadows have replaced
passionate sparkles in your gaze

I still, just now, found pleasure
finalized desires for you
(as always)
Sad, though, that your face
can no longer grace
those moaning moments

Under your image
I would shower tears instead

Yes, I miss the pleasure of your visage
In new ways now.
I miss believing that your lips
might part for mine
Someday

I will be there for you
When you are too tired
To be
Let me hold you
until you are ready
to Resume

Do you know that
No matter how much
You go away
No matter how much
You disappear
However much
You fade
It doesn’t matter
because I still will
Forever
Always
Love you

I had hoped
you would love me
Forever
Does forever really exist?
Does love really exist?
Do YOU really exist?
I love you forever
So I think
The answer
Is, “YES”

I’m sorry I didn’t make a life with you
I’m more sorry that wasn’t even an option
because to be honest
I still miss
…

Speak to me
in language of the sea
soil & skies
sing as the stars brushing velvet night
as the breeze bringing leaves their dance
Lace my lashes with flower dust
the glitter of time & memories past
splash the serum of love across my lips
color me with speeches of beauty
tonight
Sing me in dreams of sleep with your heart
speak to me
in languages of *** and magic
Trace my desires
they all lead back to the art
when we were in love
with our hopefully
interlaced kisses
Speak to me
In whatever form your whispers take
As long as you promise
Future