Even though you cannot be
My today or my tomorrow
My soon or maybe Someday
Even if an Alternate Reality for us
would hold a vastly different You & Me
You are still & always will be
my Somebody
Even if I can’t be truly yours,
YOU ARE MY PERSON
You forever rule my heart.

Hopelessly fallen into the well of you
‘Til it matters not what the mind knows to be true
Thoughts & desires for more, ever more break through
Filling each sentient moment with cries for you

Love by no reason or logic
drives passion to trudge the vast desert
Still seeking your refreshing oasis
In some realm or time or place
Still seeking to match breath and pulse
In time with your heart and soul
Though futile the promise may be,
Still it remains as truth:
I DO and will always love you.

Is it like having another child?
As parents age, it might be…
Yet different, too.

With each year we’re further formed
More hardened in our ways
85 years stiffens more than joints
and loss is painful
whether a father, spouse, (lover?)
or mobility & independence
The loss of oneself is hardest
85 years of grit & drive won’t be broken
by a couple of falls & fractures

Maybe Benjamin Button had it better
since babies & elders both need aid anyway
or was it dementia with a different name?
She fears that most—
the loss of mind & memory
I relate (memories are treasures)
I’d add cancer to the list—
long drawn out pain,
increasing dependence…and loss

Sometimes mercy is allowed…
but that’s my thoughts
how I might deal with cancer,
not her (Christian) way…
Ironic my pro-choice response
“your body, your life, your choice”
respects her “pro-life” (and suffering) perspective,
facilitating independence
as I live with the fear she’ll fall again
spend an hour crawling for help again
suffer long & lonely again

Yes, it’s like having another child
my own Benjamin Button born
I must prepare a room
and my mind

Downhill spiral
Thoughts in mire roll
A mess
I confess
Obsess
Over the next
Is the ache
from a mistake?
Because I take?
or just the flu?
I’m missing you!
There’s no right
Submit? or fight?
Morning to night
Just wasting time
Asphyxiated mime
Broken rhyme
it all is wrong
an off-key song
Absence prolong
What this means?
splitting seams
Shattered dreams
it’s simple, plain
You’re on the brain
Through joy and pain
Time misses you
As I do, too

Love of my Longing, I will be all that your passion seeks
I hear your siren song wafting through the clouds
(Falling with a startling shiver
as icy raindrops on my parted lips)
In wavelengths I alone can know
Your beckon binds me with the softest silken bow
My willing heart is tied to you.
Dash me on the edges of your body.
Plunge me in the sea, down into your darkest depths
until I taste the salt of you.
Capture me, snare me in your trap.
Let me be your hidden pearl, your secret vice.
Surely you must know, since long ago
ensnared by you I am.
Phantom of the cliffs along the shore…
I, offering willing, then, now, and forevermore,
answer your siren call
Yes!

Ravish me!
In the shower, on the couch
Release the animal inside
Take me on the kitchen island
Open wide for your drive of passion
Bend me over in your office on the desk
Let me hear your grunts and groans of pleasure
I will rip you naked
Gaze with lust upon your natural core
Grasp my diamond heart with talons fierce
it will not bleed within your hold.
Take flight with me
We’ll leave troubles of the week behind
As we find exhilaration and release
In these our bonds of instinctual need
Scatter with me handfuls of seconds
vulnerable between us.
In dualities of pleasure
Take us to the perilous edge
Release the beast that longs to play
Let us lie in fields of green, in daisy lanes
rush panting hard through jungles deep
Submerse me in the raging seas of you in me
For just a moment of imagination
Let us be happy
Soaring as the hawks in flight,
diving with the dolphins.
Come be at peace with me & I will sleep
In your arms my missing heart will be forgotten
buried safe in your love.
Yes, take me, if only for the briefest moment
Take me, Love,
be mine
this frozen moment in time

I’ll be wishing for you there with me
As I’m dancing
(shadowed by awkwardly watching eyes)
This music belongs to dreams
That’s why I don’t want to share
(don’t want another there)
But it is what it is.
Just know, I’ll be (always am)
Missing you

You write the moments of my days
Wake me in the nights
Come to me in secret silences
with assurances unspoken
quieting my inner spirit
reaching in to touch my calm
unafraid to counter my tumultuous fires
with your peaceful deep dark skies

You are the crests and valleys
of my tsunamic passion
With abandon you dive deep
to hear my truest thoughts
You see the dark green depths of my inner seas
With eyes to pause and feast
Caring that I care

I love how you still love me
Yet with inner weeping I wonder:
Why does my dive into you
Strike upon a frozen river?
Never mind!
I’ll skate upon my dreams of you
until spring thaws return
(will warmth someday burn?)
Yes, I’ll skate with free abandon
along your icy river surface
knowing below is so much more—
currents of you to explore

Someday…yes, perhaps someday
I’ll dive in deep, find more of you
Maybe someday
our brackish waters again might swirl
Together
Our estuary tides finally rise & recede
Under the same bright moon
In this someday dream eternal

I desired you
Naked
Playfully tugged the towel
tucked around your waist
revealing to my hungry eyes
all of you
Too late I knew
at least for the briefest moment
annoyance crossed your face
I hope my eyes bespoke
the adoration in my heart
I hope you forgave that boundary crossed
I wanted to see you
Naked
I still do
Naked body
Naked soul
Every part of you
your naked whole
always I adore

I love my body
and I want you to love it too.
Always I have been selective
Guarded…but you…
I want you to touch, caress, hold
and love my body
as I love & hold your mind & heart & soul
Forever
I’ve saved the heart of me
for only you

Shine a light into my darkness
This chill needs your warmth,
A beacon of assurance
through this thick despondent fog
My heart, irrational, refuses to abandon hope  
The slightest candle flame
Promise that love might remain
Would spark a smile, fire my heart heat,
Settle me, empower me
wandering through the nighttime dreams
You fill the missing pieces with your peace
when I know your love beams on me,
when your love sign shines
I can see a way home.

Suffocated
I can’t breath
Held in his vice grip
Controlled

LET ME MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS!

bursting with repressed
ME-ness
I need to BE
(not controlled)

Just the thought of you
Brings much-needed peace
In this moment of glistening pupils
So, thank-you
For your healing presence
In my heart.

If I built a door would you enter,
or deadbolt from your side,
cross it double with thick iron bars,
& lock me out again?
I ask because
I’ve long been taking measurements
& cutting wood…
I will not build a door into a room where I’m not wanted.
I do not wish to trouble you (The One I Love)
with doorways undesired.
This wall is thick, the doors just open into nowhere,
or open not at all…
Maybe I can build no more than just a skylight
through which the wish of hope might not even shine…
Still, I’ll cut & measure.
Perhaps, Someday I’ll find something Open by your hand…
or perhaps that, too,
is not in the future
…
for now, secretly I hope that Nashville
is a failed connection
and that the next
offers something real.

I miss you so!
Your heart pulse fails to beat
on my spirit’s lonesome drum
Your breath no longer brushes my soul
with happy peaceful hues
Where did you go? & why?
My longing is lonely for your aura,
lonely for your loving care & desire.
Would you not hold me
in your heart and mind tonight?
I miss you
as always!

The tiniest flicker of…
Fluttering ember, a possibly maybe might be Hope
Sparked for a second within my tonight
Rapidly darkened by doubts and reason
So many maybe’s…variables won’t align
There’s not enough time
Hope smothered by darkness of
“Unlikely”
No tears I shed as my mind sped to
“Is mother losing her mental acuity?”
& questions of “What’s next?” preside
as sorrow hides beneath plans of what should be.
So what I wish would be again slides
to despair…
Even if I am, you won’t likely be there…
Anyway, what’s an hour to eternity?
an eternity of longing

I know I don’t have you
but I don’t want to lose you.

My heart compresses and aches
and shakes and breaks
at the mere thought of pain too great
for you to stake your love on me.
The gift I need would make you bleed.
Yet shattered I plead for a sign, a seed.
Might even the tiniest sliver of you be mine?
I’m sorry! So sorry! How I stab and slice
with each roll of the dice.
You can’t pay the price and I should think twice.
This hunger is strong, has gnawed decades long
but you are far gone.
My desire cut you, bled you out,
Destroyed each last sprout of hope I fear
Only my doubt is left to muck about
in this drought of you.

Still all I want to do
is mend, befriend, heal, renew
Converse, embrace & always love you.
My chest heaves with a sigh
for drops of your love I cry
to know more of you, still I try,
I treasure your deep diamond core
It’s you I’ve always adored
Unsatisfied, I want more.
Instead all I taste
Salty tears on my face
and a huge empty waste
where you self-erased.

I know I don’t have you
so why can’t I leave this place?
I don’t want to lose you
Still

Fashioned to a piercing Arrowhead…
Don’t “tough-love” me! I’ve heard it said,
A good whipping was proof he cared.
I’ve knelt in confession to prepare
For a switch lashing my behind,
discipline—“for love” she piously chimed.
Caring hearts don’t char their object of affection
Or carry knives to slice away obsession
Either love me tender, love me sweet;
or speak honestly—
you have no heart for me.

I’ve long believed in keeping bridges,
Building them, maintaining them,
Rarely setting them aflame—
only the most detrimental structures
and even then with greatest care…
Yet of late it seems some pyromanic demon
Deep within my psyche has escaped
Wielding a fiery weapon haplessly
against these structures in my life.
Soon I fear all will burn
At my own demon hand
and I will tumble to the seething rapids
Far below
If so, I wonder:
Where will the waters carry me?
Who will survive?
Can I stop
setting fire to this bridge
on which I live?

In the waking,
In my dreams
I miss your presence
Everywhere it seems
To sit beside you close,
to hear your thoughts…
It’s you I want the most
but you are gone.
You’ll return to living
Half a world away
and I’ll return to living
blanketed by grey.
Despite my hopes & efforts
I still just cannot see
A path into your now.
I mourn what will not be.

Sleepless, congested, thoughts a blur
Now through the haze I see a maze–
Wandering paths that tease
but never lead to you.
Are these imaginations of your love
just a fevered dream,
conjured by my weakened mind
to feed this ravenous lust
ever aflame for your heart?
Even as I’m slipping on the edge of sleep
my heart and mind plunge deep
Into the aching longing felt for you.
Then the questions:
Do you despise or fear me?
Are you indifferent or disgusted
learning my desire?
Why do you hide yourself from me?
Perhaps my intensity drives you away?
Could it yet be that somewhere deep deep down
inside the smallest darkest pocket of your heart
you’ve tucked away and buried
a pulsing breathing love still felt for me?
Undying…yes, I think this might be the truth
that frightens you
hiding in the depths of this dizzying maze
eluding my desire,
eluding discovery
blocking me from knowing
whether that crushed love
Remains.

I wanted just to briefly say
How much I thought of you today
I hope you sense my love and care
Throughout your day, as if I’m there.
Always in my heart
With Love,

As my sun sets elsewhere it glows bright and hot
& in another somewhere  rises fresh and new
in soft pastels or bright blushing hues
Now as this plot seeps into dusk
I whisper a missive along
May the lost sun rays this day
shine and flutter on you
where & whenever you are
May the breezes carry my calming palms
to rest in the stillness with you
To quiet your worries
& sleep in your soul for a second or two
May your warming sun deliver this warming touch I send .

May it carry a kiss as well gently placed
wherever you most desired my lips to dust your skin
& stay however long you need
My lips are still and forever yours
the sunshine knows

Our little star’s brightness shares with you, too,
my mind full of thoughts & the wish to listen for you.

So go outside
Soak in the sun
catch my essences of love.

Would you meet me for lunch (again)?
I still enjoy a meal of sushi…
Especially a sashimi plate
With its bright colors and delicious cuts
Bedded on white sheets of radish shreds.
Please find a day you won’t be rushed.
Let’s take our time to gently grasp
Each melting bite
Held gently twixt our chop-sticks
Pause to dip in salty sauce
with wasabi’s potent burn blended lightly in
We’ll delicately feed ourselves
Slowly let the soft smooth flesh
Rest a moment on the lips and tongue
Feeling every subtle flavor…
Between the mental nourishment
of our shared conversation
(So long it has been missed)
How I hunger to finally revive
such simple moments

You say the day
I’ll tuck the hope away

It’s just a lunch…
only lunch…
…

Gege thinks he’s so clever
Whispering mischief in Didi’s smaller ear
As if Mother watching
never was a little sis
nor sat, a child, at her father’s knee
hearing each fascinating story
of how his older brother
stirred the ***…

Did you think of me
When you awoke from sleep
This morning?
Did you hear my voice
Gently whisper,
“I love you”
and catch my lingering gaze
Admiring your resting face?
That heart-flutter you felt—
That was my spirit
Wishing you a perfect day.

As I lay here Drifting,

Tired, nearly passed into that otherworld of sleep,

mind reaches out before it fades to plead:

Would you, my Love, spare some moments in my night

Penetrate the passage to my mind

Engage me for a dream or few?

I have no care where we go, what we do

As long as we are happy together, just we two

Holding hands and laughing

Stolen secret glances…

Embrace me for a moment as best friend,

Touch me as Beloved

Hold me next to your forever

or just simply BE with me in my dream

Spare a fleeting moment here & now with me tonight

Together

Let me dream with you immerged.

He suffocates me
Asks me who I want to be
Then snuffs the fire trying to breathe
My birthday wish? I’m trapped!
He demands reply… Set free these wings
Let her phoenix fly.

but what do I know
chained down here below?
what do i really know
of love’s tragic flight..
it’s pointless to fight
so I meekly say, goodnight

Your smile
Lights the brightest
Fireworks.
You ignite explosions
spectacular
in my midnight sky.

No fireworks without you, Star in my sky
Red lips wishing yours would draw nigh
White hot flame burns still with desire
To be lost in your blue eyes I’ll never tire
Striped shadows cast by bars unseen
No independence from this in-between
Wearing red white & blue, this 4th of July
While secretly wishing you’d reoccupy
realms of my body, king of my heart
this homeland beckons for you to impart
that freedom I felt so long ago
when you spoke softly what I still know,
I love you… & I love you too
I’ll remember you with my red, white and blue

Receding, returning to me
More space to wish I could be
Caressing your face, brushing the bristle
with fingers gentle, light as thistle
down. Circling your lips before we dip
In. This sin, beloved,
dreaming of love-
ing you.
I want to touch your face
Someday when this pain is erased.
Is that not in a future
rewritten? No
pain…

Do you remember how
I’d always catch you gazing?
However sly you tried to be
in sneaking glances from your softly hooded eyes
I somehow knew, would turn to look at you…
I still do… Know, I mean…
When you think of me with your cool blue eyes
gazing filled with tenderness and care.
Like tonight… I sensed your affection
& smiled across the miles in your direction.
Did you catch my twinkling grateful eyes?
Your kind thoughts… they really do make my day.

When I woke I thought of you,
Smiling; do you think of me, too,
Sunrise of my day?
As I packed their lunches
my mind perused your memory.
Driving kids to school I thought of you.
Explaining mortgages in simple words to a curious boy
I beamed again imagining you.
In a waiting room, later paying bills
Your story was my smile.
Hearing music, reading,
You joined me mentally,
repeatedly…

I hope you’re doing well.

When eating meals
images of you provided truer satisfaction.
Water drops cascading
Transported me back to your side.
I heard your calming voice in my waking dreams
I thought again and again of you.
How many times?
As many as the steps I walked today
As many as the breaths inhaled at night
That’s how many times You return.
That’s how many times I miss you
every day.

Machines of war
Wreckage of more
than cities in their wake
Mothers and daughters *****
Children scarred with horrors
Homes gone
Families broken
People broken
All for…
Why?
The devil doesn’t dwell
In hell
He commands from capitols
He judges generals
He wages war
He deals in destruction
On earth
On children huddling in holes
On women without rights or hope
On mothers and fathers who fight
For life
Can this devil be destroyed?

The universe conspires against me
Proclaiming with each futile wish of mine
“NO, you fool! IT SHALL NOT BE!”
In your deep wound feel the brine

Laughingly it thwarts my every effort, every hope
Capricious deities strike thunder from their skies
Wrong connections, caged pretensions,
pain! I cannot cope

Power lost, appointment cancelled
Their bolts of lightning pummel down
He commands, he’ll determine where I fly
So I fall wingless to the ground

Then for a final blow I’m questioned
“Do I really know of love?”
Should his earthquake break my shackles
To a more fearful dungeon I’ll be shoved

Many forms it takes:
Aching, stabbing, numbing, chronic,
dull crescendoing to piercing pang
I shift; it smites, no tonic
for the bone-deep bruise, the sharpened fang.

Mind & body too united
Too in tune to pain
Heart too unrequited
Meds & treatments all in vain

End-of-day: I’m wasted, broken, spent
Snake now coils, flicks its tongue
Injured python slithers to emotions’ scent
Constricts the soul, and I’m undone.

You should know
My first choice would be
To send to you directly
You & YOU ALONE
If I’m an attention *****
It’s only for you
Yes, I desire your attention
Solely yours
If only you would let me love you

beyond midnight
restless
Whiskey floods the veins
Unshed tears over ashes,
these remains
Mourn the dead
Mourn the gone
Mourn the heart
from strong to wrong
Mourn the squandered past
the hollow aimless now
Frozen memory of that final last Farewell
Ponder empty broken words
Promises unkept
Pierced with sword
of hopes inept
Future nameless, fading figure
Sink as restless sleep takes over
Failed the fight
Dead tonight
Hope perhaps with morning light.

There's a bakery at the end of this dead-end street
It has lots of pastries with nothing to eat
I'm hungry so I hold your hand from across the miles
In your distant touch I feel a peace and start to smile
(a missing piece, more missed than missing now)
Let’s turn this dead-end to a through-street somehow
Even pouring concrete is romantic I’ve found
when done together with you…

Decades passed, in review:
I was happy on that journey, now sorry it’s through.
I miss being best friends with you.

I remember, in all 5 senses, you.
Dreams of you, light up all perceptions.

Visions pierce my sight
with vivid colors—red & blue
your tender eyes,
your beating heart,
lips lined with passion
back-dropped by seaside sunset brilliance.
You are my light.

Scents linger in mind’s breath—
you, so clean, shower-fresh;
tangy tangerine;
flowers--lavender and lilac,
varied hues of scented roses,
garden of our memories

My tongue, hungry for you, tastes our history as
shared popcorn, counted sushi, big soft pretzels, sampling tasty foods;
a shot of ***** from your mouth, light-headed shock;
and most missed that fresh long minty kiss; water licked from clean soft skin; the taste of you within. . .mmm

Your sounds whisper in my dreams—
rhythmic breathing; rhythmic heartbeat;
soft light lasting laughter ringing in my ears (though now long faded, those tones echo ever through the chambers of my mind);
gentle listening caring voice
(must you say “good-bye”?)

Forevermore I’ll miss, your loving touch—
warm & gentle, firm & safe,
strong secure hug, encompassing;
Playful moments, teasing
Would those moments ‘neath your skin,
Moments merging bodies, might return & lasting be.

I dream in all 5 senses wistfully,
wishing fully to sense you in reality.

Dismissed?
I’m ******!
Hey, YOU,
I’m smart too!
but you’re always debating
smart-woman hating
mansplaining
As if I never went to school
Do you think I am a fool?

I’m not just your pretty thing,
a lonely girl who wants a ring.
I have a brain inside me, too!
I converse as good as you
if you would stop behaving
like I am always wrong.
You think I can’t do things right enough for you?
****!
Relax! You’re so uptight?
Just chill with me
be real with me
treat me with equality
like your bromance buddy.

Hey! My star won’t fit
beneath your boot.
No, Baby! I was born to BLAZE
Bright
like a Woman!

They wrote it on her DNA
From mother’s mother’s mother
And all those aunts and uncles
The deacons, elders, teachers, preachers, leaders
They wrote her wrong:
  
“He’s weak, so be responsible”
“Don’t cry” “kneel down”
“Listen” “obey” “because I said so”
“sinner” “he died for YOU”
“Thou Shalt Not” … “shalt not” … “shalt not”…
“Be a good girl”, “say ‘sorry’”, “bow and pray”
“OBEY!”
“You must Forgive!!” Forgive, forgive…
  
(from infant, to girl, to ******* that grew)
Walk the line, speak OUR “truth”
THERE IS NO YOU!
REMEMBER: please, not pleasure
“That’s right, Kneel down, Apologize…”
Meek is pretty
Femininity
Yesss…bow…
seek PERFECTION

“Desire? NO! Desires don’t belong to you!”
Oh, Their desires? Honey, they can’t help it…

GIVE  
F O R G I V E
don’t live
don’t be
Just see
OTHERS
…
…
…
years
…
free
…
me
…
yet haunting whispers of the child’s ghost
remnants of her twisted DNA
Echoing cellular repercussions
through the years into the now
…it’s complicated…
(“May I have a rewrite?” she’d meekly plead)

“To late” wrote fate
she shrugs, “why hate?”
decides resigned just to deal

Did it again
repeated my sin
Let those feelings take the wheel
Expectations so unreal
Thunderstorm that stole the sun
****** up wishes come undone
Days wrapped up in a blurring daze
**** is scattered, lost, ablaze
…
As havoc’s ashes settle
passion is lost, no color
life has turned lack-luster
the fire has gone
just dullness on & on
Despair, an eternity
of empty
Wrong

I’ve been writing again, My Love
Inspired by want of you, My Muse
You, Only you, I crave because
This perfectly creamy plain vanilla life
lacking even specks…no tiny black dots of flavor,
it’s sweet and easy yet missing vibrancy
missing Something that I NEED
missing the hues of you.

This prettily-patched up heart of mine
(I’m sorry I hurt yours, too)
cries for brilliant flights of color,
Bursts of Flavor…
It cries for you, for you alone.
I’ve never felt a passion like yours,
never experienced a more thrilling ride
than when your love flowed inside..

Tell me, have you forever locked the gates?
Are your colors never more for me to taste?
Yes, you have told me so;
your answer, a forever “no”
Our love no more to be interlaced
For your shades vibrant, my hope was misplaced.

Once again, pragmatic droning of newscasters
juxtapose against the bomb Blasts
of another war Ringing around the world
in undulating ripples of potential risks.

As always, my thoughts Blast to you.

I, helpless to effect peace in the warring world,
will rather chime for you
soft ringing bells of loving wishes…
Wishful these, my caring thoughts,
could hold the power to assure that you
& all wrapped close inside your heart
would Remain safe,
that peace might e’er surround you
as a soft bed for your soul.
Through these bomb blasts
& their undulating ripples
of potential risks they would bring
I ring…
no, I Blast, my love & care to you…
Stay safe!

I’m trying to find a way back to me,
to undo some choice in my history  
when I took the wrong turn,
propelled down the wrong road.
Somewhere the me that was meant to be  
Turned into an alternate (missing) reality.
Yet, searching the map of my life I’m blind.
Which choice was not right, I can’t find
Or rather I can’t determine
at what point I should have deciphered the way.
When & where was lost
that stronger & happier me,
the “she” who I want to be?

Though, does all this questioning matter?  
It’s been a one-way street for so long.
Reverses & turns could just splatter
the good. Those I love would be gone.
Illusions, delusions, beacons of hope?
They’re all but a fevered dream to cope
Or a glow that spotlights how lonely the day
Yet, I continue this pondering to say:  
Is there hope for THIS life to be true?
(Could I ever find another like you?)