I don’t know why but
I feel I’m always up at these late hours
deeply thinking
as I stare into the black abyss of my room
my mind is at rest but also at work
random thoughts seem to flood
will my semester be good?
will I make them proud?
will I achieve my goals?
will I be okay in the end?
questions upon questions
my inner thoughts
coming out in the dark

moments of drunken randomness
quiet hushed laughs
secrets of the night
that stay between siblings
I missed these moments
shared with my brother
my true friend
and I'll soon come to miss them
time and time again

It's always give never take
giving out all my kindness
giving out all my love
giving out words of comfort
but for all that I give
nothing is returned
all give no take
a laugh can't help but to escape
ha, such a sad fate

a thought of you was made up in my mind
a picture perfect scene
maybe confused with a famous movie scene
where the girl fixes the boy
love grows and all is well
that's not how life works
no fixes are made
the same is still the same
I really thought I could
that's the true shame

I wanna be loved
I wanna be adored
to be desired inside and out
it's said that I am
but just how much I do not know
I doubt and I doubt
am I truly treasured?
in the way that I honestly want?
those questions echo in my mind, like a taunt
I wanna be loved
I wanna be adored
Somebody hear my thoughs

sometimes you feel as if a distant memory
I can't describe it
I don't know how to feel about it
sorry?
remorseful?
looking at pictures of you I feel the nostalgia
it feels as if those times were so long ago
the time of life and motherly love
oh how I miss it
I wish I didn't have to love you from a distance

once again
that simple question
pops up again
do you really mean?
with constant compliments
and previews of puppy love
do you really mean it?
maybe paranoid
maybe scared of what happiness
you could bring me
the question quietly
snakes it's way into my mind
do you really mean it?

one good morning text
20 lovely words
unexpected each time
but greatly adored
a smile in class  
a pull of a heart string  
the infamous good morning text

in the moonlight your skin shines
it turns melanin tones
to a shade of beautiful blue
in the moonlight
you're something new
let negativity flee
in the moonlight
feel and be free

I wish the world would of been kinder to you in the beginning
I wish your start wouldn’t of been so painful
I wish past experiences won’t haunt you
I wish you find it in your heart to not blame yourself for things
I wish you would see the things we all see in you
I wish you read these words and see them for what they are
my wishes for you, I swear I truly hope they come true

lately
I feel like I'm floating
an outsider looking within
even with friends
this feeling never came up before
why do I feel it now?
stuck outside
set aside from conversations
left boxed off from friends
reduced to nothing but
an outsider looking within

I feel like something has to change
with him I feel good and without is just the same
but i couldn’t think of him not apart of my life
no matter as a friend or something more
I would never cut ties
For so many reasons I could tell you why
I’ve gotten my closure and i’ve evolved
but with him I am always involved

going back to him is a constant theme
a game played between just you and me
I know of the reality of what is happening
as I’ve been told it so much
something has to give
a change
an evolution
I know nobody quite gets the situation
between you and I we barely even know
I know what i got myself into
content with kisses and cuddles
but in my mind and heart of hearts I know
something has to give

In the new year
I’ll not search but be open to something new
I believe somebody can love me just as much as you
I tried this once before and was burned
turning me back to you, my love who I couldn’t shake
but deep inside I know what's right
time to try again
not think of you in that way as much as I did
only the new year will tell
be gentle and be fair
oh new year
may all be well

hearing it reminds me of home
the child in me smiles at the sound of it
a name that died a long time ago with her
bring it back for the happiness it inspires in me
for the memories it brings out of me
the name that has a place in my heart
even with its country drawl
I love it more than you can imagine
reba

I see myself becoming a different person
for the better though it seems
changing
evoloving
anxiety covered thoughts are present
I'm nervous for this person
for what she'll be
I'll welcome her
as she is me
and I am she

I want nothing more than for you to be okay
to be the you, that you want to be
you put up the toughest fight to the biggest battles
for that you're a soldier
a strong character that holds their own
but one that I know can not always be strong
and needs a place to be vulnerable
even the toughest of the tough cry
I'm sorry I can't shield you from everything like I want
guarding you from anything deadly to your mind, body, and soul
you're the soldier that will make it through it all
It will be okay I can't say when, why, or how
but you will be the one to prevail
through and through

I can't describe the way I feel
but it's a nice change of pace
will it last?
I have no idea
but for once in my life
for this moment I'll live in it
experiencing life as I should
something new
something good

a weird state of the in between
not exactly sad
but not exactly any emotion
I feel weird
no way to describe it
if I told you of this feeling, would you ever care?
is it worth me to even dare tell you?
fear of being thought of as crazy
express it or suppress it
the in between

how can I tell if what you say is true?
how do I know of real or fake?
a part of of me believes you
but that nagging voice in my head
says the opposite
what if it's a lie
the thought of what if
for this I'm sorry
with time the voice will get quieter
one day I'll control the voice
and it won't control me

are they locked in a part of my mind
that's only brought to life when I am fast asleep?
my precious silly thoughts that give me a break
from impending reality
where are you now?
show yourself
come back
bring me back to simplier times of life
filled with giggles, laughs, and imagination
daydreams of mine
come alive