i will stop writing poetry like a eulogy when you start making me feel alive

i never got to try
all those good things
like the taste of coffee in 3am
(because i'm sure it's different than the one in 7)
and waking up well rested;
like losing myself and that meaning something nice
and being proud of myself;
like being good at my favourite activities
and screaming at the top of my lungs
on the roof of an abandoned building;
like drawing silly things
and singing along to lyrics that don't make any sense;
like being strong enough
and saving myself
i never got to be fine,
so i don't know how to keep going

how dare you lessen my existence
i am a sandstorm;
everything i walk through, i destroy
i am a blizzard;
everything i see, i bury underneath

don't you ever try and think of me
as just drizzle
i will walk through you and crush your bones
with one look
i am beyond your imagination

i am your worst nightmare
*don't you ever diminish me again

dear mother,
when you beat me to the ground again today,
when you crush my soul
and when you drill my skull with your shouts

won't you, dear mother,
finally do what you've always sworn to do?
won't you **** me and end it all?
won't you finally get rid of me?

you've always said i'm useless anyway.

and dear father,
when she tells you i am the one at fault,
when you talk to me about how i have to obey
and be good

don't you, dear father,
hear the trembling in my voice?
don't you see the fear in my eyes?
don't you understand?

i've never been good at talking anyway.

and if this what you gave me
if this what you gave me is family
then i want no family at all;

so today, when i run away
when i run away from you all
i'll find a new place to go
and i'll start loving myself;

for you couldn't love me anyway.