Do you know what it's like to rewire your brain?
To lie to yourself for years about something?
Because that lie is easier to understand than what you know in your gut?
Because you can't explain what you know?
Because it's easier to lie to yourself so well that even you believe it than it is to acknowledge that you are terrified and lost and alone and that you don't know when that's going to stop?

I knew this was going to happen
It was never a question of if
Only when
Knew it the first night

I stepped into your embrace
"God it's good to see you."
We got drinks.
We left together.
I was still trying to fight myself.
I thought you'd be gone in a day...a week...a month at most.
That's why I pushed you away in the alley.

This. Raw. Open. Angst. Sadness.
Where I am now.
I was afraid of it.
I was afraid of letting you in.
Of letting you see me.
Of letting you have me.
Of letting myself have you.
I was afraid of losing you.

Then I was afraid of what not having you would do.
Of ignoring you, pushing this back into a box trying to convince myself of things I know aren't true:

"We're better apart,"
"You don't love me,"
"I'm the only one who sees this;
feels this;
fights with this"

Scared of regretting more than I already did
My only regrets belong to you.

I let go.
I dove in.
I swam.
You sat on the shore.
You watched.
You left.
I knew you were going to.
You said you would.

I didn't go my whole life without swimming.

Calm.
There's a resounding calm over me.
The day was long.
You're not here.
But that's not to say you won't be again.
This hot toddy is perfection.
The only thing that could make it better is your company.
I miss you, but not painfully today.
Today I miss you comfortably;
In a way that says I'm adjusting to whatever this is.

Deliriously happy.
"You look like you won something;
Some sort of prize."

I did.

I won the only prize I've ever given a **** about:

A place in your life.

You cannot keep him afloat.
No one can.
You'll drown yourself if you try.
Keep yourself afloat.
Do things for you.
Make you happy.
Tell him about them.
Include him if he'll be included.
Talk to him.
Talk to him about simple things;
About beautiful things;
About curious things;
About mundane things.
Let him know you're there and floating next to him
That you will help him float if he needs it
But don't you dare drown yourself holding him above the water while you can't breathe.

Understanding.
Safety.
Comfort.
Home.
I sleep better when you're here.
I feel better when you're touching me.
Even just a brush against your leg or your back behind me as I roll over.
You are what I crave the second anything is wrong
and the second anything is right.
You are a comfort I didn't think it possible to have.
I don't know what I give you that keeps you here, but I'm glad of it.
Please stay.