We toss and turn in separate beds
Fighting separate battles
with separate packs of demons.
I'll fight yours if you fight mine
I'll toss when you toss and turn when you turn.
You're right in saying I'd try to take care of you if you let me.
I absolutely would.
I'd remake the world to make you okay.

I surrender.
I'm done fighting it.
I'm done attempting to reason with it.
I'm done attempting to figure out how to manipulate the situation to get anything new or different.
I'm done stressing about how to be
or how to change it.
I'm done worrying about whether or not it's okay.
I love you.
That's it. That's all.
I'm letting go and trusting you with that.
For better or for worse.

You don't talk
I'm afraid I've done wrong;
afraid you've changed your mind; afraid you will change your mind still. I'm afraid.
My past. Your past. Our history.
It makes me afraid.

I miss you.
Not *******.
I miss
You.
I miss your smile when I have a hard time waking up.
I miss you teasing me about my inability to go a day without spilling food on myself.
I miss knowing what you're thinking about; all ten things.
I miss the way we never walk in step.
I miss your wolffish grin when you're about to say something ****.
I miss the way you look at me and actually see who I am.
I miss talking to you after work until you fall asleep in my passenger seat; trying to stay awake but failing in spite of yourself.
I miss the way your hair sticks up eight different directions in the morning like a super Sayan
I miss conversations around the clock.
I miss your worries and your fears;
Your concern
Your empathy
Your laugh.
I miss you.

I feel bound.
*******.
Caged.
This lack of action
Lack of knowing
Sitting tight
Waiting for you to return to me
Ties me in knots.
Turns me inside out.
Fills me with fury and fear and upset.
And need.

It's not feasible for me to depend on you to wrap me up and protect me from the world as much as I would like that to be so.

I can't come curl up on your lap every time the world takes a swing at me.

I can't call you in the middle of every busy day to whine that people are irritating.

I can't expect you to be there every night to hear me vent or emote about my day.

I can't depend on your comfort. I need to depend on me.

Still, I'm sitting here trying to calm down

And I ******* miss you.