related to childhood emotional abuse or neglect...
not to be confused with derealization or 'fantasy prone personality'

maladaptive daydreaming is seeing your face when I fall asleep at night
or hearing your voice in a children's store

"Come look! Look at these shoes!", and seeing you scramble at a pair of sandals

Big brown eyes begging me to buy them as "an early birthday present, just this once."

Maladaptive daydreaming
is blinking and not even having time to register the fact that you'd disappeared

and I was standing alone in the children's shoe aisle,
on my knees holding a pair of sandals
and feeling that same twist in my gut that I did on the day

the papers were signed and my passport was stamped,
to get on a plane to another country

without so much as waving goodbye

Maladaptive daydreaming is crying through anti-abortion rhetoric
and sympathising with teenage mothers

it's seeing you smile behind a nikon camera, calling
"Look at this pretty picture I took! See, see?"

and then realising that I was only smiling at a fallen camera in the sand

Maladaptive daydreaming
is regretting a choice I didn't make

it's steeling my jaw at immature jokes
and relating to all those children raising children

Maladaptive daydreaming
is regretting giving up a daughter
I never had

But I was awake then,

wasn't I?

you see, you don't think I remember.
But I do.

there was sunlight-

the kind of sunlight
that filters through
inescapable particles of dust, no matter
how much
I hate
to be able to see myself breathing them in.
the kind of sunlight
that absolutely glares
up off of the oil
on the asphalt
in the evenings
and blinds you hysterically.
the kind of sunlight
that swiftly stills
your rattling skeleton
and begs you to stare
"But mother, only for a minute..."
the kind of sunlight
that makes me remember
my own unanswerable questions
about my subtle deterioration
my inevitable decline
into this utter chaos
that is myself.

and through this degradation, this decomposition, I realize
that I can't help but wonder:

when did these superfluous trees take root?

where were you when the first seed of doubt landed on the surface of my parched, withering mind?

and, my God, why on Earth did you let it rain?

everyone needs happiness it keeps us all alive
puts a smile upon your face helps your life to thrive.

helps you carry on keeps your life so bright
takes away the sadness and fills you with delight.

fills you up with joy makes life seem worthwhile
all you need is happiness and great big smile

Of all the ways you've laid waist
to the Fortressess of Love I ***** in the realm of my emotions...

Of all the brittle limbs you send back crumbling on which once grew life I sent to you like pawns before me in this dry territory where the dust disturbs the view of the silvry illuminations in the sky...

Of all these things I've said, and the things I've not said...

At least, they let me know that you know I'm alive.

"do you love poetry?"
"yes, and art and books."
"so you love all the beautiful things, do you love yourself?"
"no."

*and i thought she loved all the beautiful things.

My name
It slides from the tongue with ease
So simplistic and overused
Will I ever hear you say it again?
You haven't known me in too long

My eyes
The emerald green orbs
That glisten in the light
Are they still beautiful?
You haven't seen me in too long

My hair*
Those long dark strands that flow
With your insistence of moving it out of the way
Do you still want to see my face?
You haven't answered me in too long

Your name
It seems so contradictory
To the half smile on your face
I wonder if you still feel yourself
I haven't known you in too long

Your eyes
The dull beads that sit steady
Trying to avoid the worried gaze
Only to look right through me anyway
I haven't seen you in too long

Your hair
Short with an angelic glisten
Just the way you hate it
Your curls have been taken away
Like the many other parts of you
I haven't recognized you in too long

**You haven't recognized me in too long

I've never been one for romance
For so long that's been my stance
With attempts to avoid what caught my eye
Which we both find now to be a lie

I've shared with you my favourite place
Where we can both come when we need space
I now prefer it everlastingly more
Even the comforting silence cannot bore

Spontaneous moments call for plans
While I hope this won't get out of my hands
Since I crave to know I'm in control
Your "Forever" isn't quite my goal