I hope you choke on the names of our would be children
when it happens to cross into your thoughts
the few nights you don't sink into bed ****** out of your mind

I hope you ***** down the hallway thinking of me
I hope you never make it to the bathroom on time
I hope your stomach acid burns like a ripcord up your trachea

You told me no one had good ***** like I did
And he said it, too
Every last time I cheated on you

Just remember you betrayed me first
Told me to **** someone to put equality back into the universe

It's sad to say I did it out of spite
I could have been loyal

Instead we let each other become driftwood
burning blue and green
and floated away without a fight

I thought I was in love with an angry boy

my mother always told me never to allow someone
into your heart who talks about how quickly his fists can move

never love someone who strikes
then listens

I know girls who will take a backhand
if it is followed by a kiss

But the second time you tried to put your hands on me
I moved and let your body slam onto the table

I am worth more than bruises
and your claiming of an endless love

haven't you ever heard
Actions are worth more than words?

I let my phone die so I could experience something

and I can’t tell If its 9 am or 12 in the afternoon
and I’m looking at the light coming from under my black curtains

and I’m squinting my eyes and watching the whole world blur
which is just how I’ve always liked it
so today is no different

I’m writing myself sick and drawing pictures of the hole in your lip
and the freckles on the back of your ears

and I didn’t mean to make this poem about you
but I wasn’t in the mood to tell you I love you either

and I ******* hate sunsets they make me far too sad

and I’m kind of wishing
I could just let the sun burn out my vision once and for all

then all I would have left is the simplicity of dreams

and I still wish you broke all of your bones

Born into a house of red hair
soulless people and
beer

my great grandmother is 101 and four months
and she has contracted Alzheimer’s
which means she sees those who have died before her
like her husband
two of her sisters and
four of her nine children

Her sister died just yesterday at 100 and 17 days sleeping in her bed

I was named after dead relatives

Moira for a cousin who died at 20,
before I was ever even born,
a cousin who sang like a bird
and could have been a mermaid
a beauty with straight white teeth and blonde hair
who found death after struggling with anorexia

Katherine for my great aunt who I never met
but my mother told me of her wearing sunglasses and
her sleek black car and
silky hair always tied back in red ribbons and
how she would sneak cookies to the children
holding her legs in the kitchen

I was born into an Irish house
I was born to people who have slaved their life away to make it

My great grandmother was born in Ireland in 1912
and came to America with her family when she was 10

my great grandfather was a French Canadian born in Quebec
who I was told was gentle and quiet
who smoked when he was happy or sad
and worked on houses and cars and a large family

I was born into the legacy
I was born with their blood in my veins

I’m throwing up on myself in the bathtub
and chain-smoking these Newport box 100’s because I need this nicotine but I could stop if I wanted

I have more willpower than any one person should be allotted
but that’s just the way it is

and I smoke them three at a time in hopes sometime soon this can **** me

its strange to say that I don't know you
when I was under you just a week ago

and you have that tattoo on your neck of the Bayside emblem
and when I traced It with my tongue you moaned in my ear
and you smelled of sour diesel and Marlboro reds and Budweiser

and now im a little partial to that
because that smell is seared into my sinus

and in the morning I would struggle to find my clothes
wrapped in the sheets and try to sneak out of there
before you could grab my wrist with tattooed arms

and whisper “stay, please”

so this is me sneaking down your steps in my socks
and tiptoeing past your Christmas tree
and opening the iron gate in front of your walkway
and this is me driving away in the rain at 6 am

because I should not be sleeping with a 24 year old man when I am 17

They say home is wherever you lay your head at night
That must be true
because my former house has a lock on the door now;
a lock to keep me out.

I never realized this is how it is to be homeless,
the endless wandering of a place to rest at night
the endless cycle of hunger and
thirst and
protection

I walk out of work with not a place to be in the world
and if I’m being honest it should frighten me.

I am a wanderer.

I have no sense of direction,
no moral pull,
nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I have this endless feeling of discomfort and
an airy breeze where the good in my heart and soul should be.

I am a girl, not a very beautiful or talented one.

I belong to anyone who belongs to everyone.

Home is where I rest my head for a night.

Home is a backseat
Home is a smoke filled room at 2 am
Home is a parking garage
Home is a strangers bedroom

Home is a feeling rather than a location,
but those who have a lock and key and
a mortgage fee will never understand.

Once you told me “I’m going to write you a poem”
I took your jawline in my fingers and held your eyes in mine and said
“Don’t ever”

only it came out a little strangled and raspy
like the voice cracking on a freckle faced pubescent boy

You didn’t heed my warning
and a week and a half later I got three pages of
star signs and
rose petals and
wishing wells and
my eyes compared to 24 other things

And three months later you started to look like
a wilting ivy
a dehydrated leaf
a floating corpse

and I still blame it on poetry
and the way it eats at your soul
and rips its way through the lines in your palms

it nails words into the gaps in your spine
and wraps itself so tightly inside you it contracts your muscles
until it controls you

until the letters desperately written are more like *****
just something forced out of you to let go of a little sickness

I could say
“I told you so”
if I was still 9 years old
and didn’t know how it felt to let a pen and 26 letters control you

I could say I told you so

but instead I am just buying my third cup of black coffee
and trying to find another pen

They say one in 25 people is a psychopath
and I think you most certainly are one

I could say you are an emotional terrorist

you bit the hand that fed you

you are like a stray dog that is unaware of its situation;
you still think you have a home

you are a hungry wolf limping in winter-
you snarl only out of spite

when you breathe in smoke
you inhale like you are begging for cancer

you inhale like a rough drag can bring you hope

I have guts- they're just defective
The graffiti in the bathroom stall makes no sense
I think I wrote it when I was drunk on ***** 2 weeks ago

I broke my favorite ring on purpose yesterday
I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I've been sober for too long and now I'm paying for that

I skipped a party so I could sleep
Or talk on the phone with my boyfriend
I kissed him on Tuesday
But I'm still not sure what he looks like
can't commit his profile to memory

He seems more like a ghost than I do
Are we lovers fading from view
Is this when we start walking through walls

I ran into someone today on purpose
To make sure I didn't pass through them
To make sure I wasn't invisible

Sometimes I feel like a seagull in a parking lot

I haven't had candy for weeks
I deprive myself food so I feel like I have space to speak

My heart is a silent buzzing
Hand to chest there is no beat
Blood pressure nonexistent
Nurse tried 4 times to get a reading

Can only take blood from one arm
Veins too tangled around knotted scar tissue

Two summers ago I deflated my body like a popped beach ball
They patched the hole and filled me
I have yet to learn my lesson

When I turned 13 I convinced myself I hated everyone

Dogs are scared of me like a fish to a shark
Maybe they can smell cold blood pumping
Can tell there is something off about me

I have eyes like power lasers

I know why people don't talk to me
Look but don't speak
Don't touch without permission

I have ruined 37 lives like a curse

I am a contagious disease
You brought me on yourself

I feel like frostbite and sandpaper

I will not fix you
I will flay you open

I am contagious
But you already knew that

Saw it in my bones the first time you ever met me

I get sad too quickly and I wish I could change that
I get angry and I jump to conclusions like a summer time diving board

Its 4:30 pm and you still haven’t spoken to me
but I saw a conversation that you had 2 hours ago with your ex girlfriend and I never thought I would hate someone
who lives in a different country so much

she's never even kissed you so why does it matter to me
I like to lie to myself
and convince my brain I have more than enough confidence
and I think I might have tricked my eyes but the mind just isn’t as easy

I hate you (don’t leave me)

I've never tried this hard with anyone
and I think that's because I am more desperate
than even I would care to know

I think this (us) could really be the end

you know like we could be together forever

after I **** any other girl you’ve ever spoken to or passed on the street

yeah I think we are really meant to be

What do you do when
you fall in love with a boy who has a constellation on his chest

how do you leave someone
that is literally so made of stars it shines out on his skin

when his freckles make the big dipper
like he was kissed by the universe
and now he’s kissed by me

and I hope i can rub some of that star shine out on me
I need some of the light

and space dust that hides out in the marrow of his bones
and the gaps in his rib cage

I love him so much it makes me blink to look at him
like staring at the sun

and I got a tattoo of a blue full moon on my shoulder back in august
in hopes I could create something magic and rare
on something so ordinary and I’m still waiting for that to kick in

I told him he was made of stars
and he told me I was heaven sent

You never once asked me to save you
I guess I just took that upon myself
The first time I put my fingertips under your shirt you trembled
There were bandages and scars underneath

Things you’ve never let anyone else see
Things you were scared to show me

All I saw was milky white beauty
Muscles and bone
Strength of the more memorable kind

No, you never asked me to save you
I don’t regret trying
But during all of the 2 am phone calls
I spoke with my face buried in my pillow

I told you my secrets one night
Not all of them
But enough to make you run away into the sunrise
They’ve been caught in my teeth ever since
I threw them up and didn’t wash my mouth out
I don’t feel ***** when I really talk to you
You didn’t wash your hands after you touched me
He always did

You whispered my name
Moved my hair around in your hands
Said my name aloud while your toes curled
Knees on hardwood floors
I never felt it
Too preoccupied with pleasing you
Nothing more beautiful than your half closed eyes;
The way your lips part to let out a low sigh

Counting the days with you like stars in the sky
I hope they are limitless and shining
I hope our love will be a galaxy

You stood in front of me
Naked in soul and body
I kissed the freckles on your chest and lower
I kissed the scars on your stomach where they cut you open
Where they pulled parts of you out when you got sick
You may not be whole
But I plan on making you feel as if you are missing nothing

You say you are ashamed of the marks
9 years of pain
The blood transfusions
The multitude of pills waiting on the counter
9 years and 2 months of pain
Months in the hospital
IV’s in your arms dripping what you couldn’t make
And all that lost weight
You still aren’t fixed
I tell you that you are perfection
I will love you through everything

With my face twisting I tell you about my pain
The scars curling like ivy on my forearms
Wrist to elbow
Elbow to shoulder to thigh to calf
The days I spent crying instead of living
And how the hospital makes you want to die
About all the pounds I shed into thin air by not eating
We both dehydrated when we lost 40 pounds
We’ve both been so close to death we tasted it
Felt cold fingers wipe the sweat from our brows

I ask myself how I ever breathed without you
Without the help of your lungs
Please don’t pull the plug

We had *** the first time we met in person
I bit your bottom lip so hard it was still raw a week later
I told you I was sorry
You said you felt no pain
It only showed how I thoroughly enjoyed you
That was the first time I felt that I was making love

I want to ride my skateboard down the contours of your legs
Make your body a half pipe
A park only for me

You lit my cigarette when we stood in the snow
“pretty girls never light their own”

I love the way your eyes look when you are trying to be worth something
When you are excited;
Happy
When you are looking into my eyes while you are inside of me

You opened my car door for me
You watched me leave as the snow fell harder
And then you stopped me and pulled me out of my seat

Kissed me hard because I had to go

Kissed me hard in the snow

It felt like a summer night in July and all I wanted was you
Snow turned into fireworks in a field at night
Fireflies dancing

You go to church sometimes on Sundays
A lot of times you sleep instead of going with your father
I still don’t think I'm getting into heaven
I used to drink blood and eat flesh too
Never felt any better after kneeling in that red velvet pew
I would stare at the sunlight coming through the stained glass
And think about ******* Jesus
I’ve heard a lot of voices but I’ve never been haunted by the Holy Ghost

There are freckles on our back
Mine from 3rd degree sunburn two summers ago
I told you they were beautiful
I still don’t know if you believe me

The first time we talked on the phone
You told me you loved someone who didn’t make you happy
All I wanted was to be yours
You told me beauty radiates inside of me
Beyond that of the moon and stars

I don’t believe in heaven or hell
But I think there is something magical waiting for you

Ill feed you honey off of a teaspoon in the morning
And I’ll cover up all the reflective surfaces and
hold you in the bathtub till about 2 pm

I’ll rub shampoo through your black hair until the water turns cold

We will read poetry under that big shady tree down the road
and chase each other in the maze at the library
but I’ll always let you catch me

You’ll eat out of my hands like a broken baby animal
on the back porch wrapped in an afghan
the colour of your eyes on a rainy day

We will turn on the lamps at night and count our freckles
while we are wrapped in the sheets

And if you still hate yourself after that
We will wash rinse and repeat
until you can look into the mirror and

see what I see

it is 4:56 am and you went to sleep
two and a half hours ago
but I'm sitting here going through all of your pictures
reading comments left from girls who are
so much prettier than me

it's hard telling yourself "do not get attached"
when all I want to do is sew myself to you
weave my veins with yours until they
take root and start to bloom in your bloodstream

a lot of the time I want to poison you
make us an even more twisted modern tale
of Romeo and Juliet

you say all of the right things but it is never enough
I want to burn the love letters on top of your funeral pyre

a lot of the time I dream of killing you

Have you ever seen someone in so much pain
something in their face looks like they are on fire?

I am in love with a burning man

Do you feel this in your heart

I cut my veins open so you could stitch yourself into them

And all you got from trying to steal that gargoyle statue
last semester was a cracked spine

I like to kiss the insides of your hip bones

I like to trace my tongue along the surgery scars

And run my fingertips along the space where
your bellybutton should be

You are a burning man
All intensity
Looking in your eyes reveals a fire

You drink liquor like its water
and always have a few pills ready to be crushed

Then again, so do I

I guess that’s why when we were listening to
Morrison in my friends back seat
I took my $2 bill and snorted a line straight to the brain

And she whispered
“you two are a match made in heaven”

And I guess we are
If we believed in all that

Personally, when I die I want to go to hell

Because Hell is where you always seem to be

Vous disiez toujours mes mots sonnés le mieux en français
(You always said my words sounded best in French)

Comme ils fondaient de ma langue dans des tons de caramel
(Like they were melting off my tongue in caramel tones)

Vous me prieriez de chuchoter des choses comme
(You would beg me to whisper things like)

Je vous aime ou
(I love you or)

Vous êtes les seuls
(You are the only one )

Je pense que vous en avez vraiment seulement aimé l'ironie
(I think you really only liked the irony of it )

Parce que je n'étais jamais le seul pour vous
(Because I was never the only one for you)

I hate when my counselor that I’ve seen 8 months
asks me why I shaved off part of my hair two weeks ago
like maybe I just wanted to and
this isn’t about Freud
now where are my test results

Sometimes I hate being so dependent on what axis my personality lies on like without a name for myself I will fall to pieces

And she delivers because no one refuses me for some reason
like they are afraid of something in the bone structure of my face
or in the hollow of my eyes

and she reads me what ive known since the day I turned 13
She reads me what I've known since I strangled
my cat in the woods when I was 14

She reads me what ive known since I stole
all my mothers pain medication and sold it when I was 15
She reads me what ive known since I was caught by the police at 16  
and didn’t bat an eyelash at the prospect of it all
because somehow it doesn’t matter

She reads me what ive known since I crashed
my car into a store and laughed
Since I totaled my car into a ditch at 90 with
no seatbelt and caught air and walked away
invincible because I cant get hurt

since I ran over my dog and played in its blood
and then made myself cry when I called my mom
and blamed it on an innocent guy

I’ve known what I am

but she is worried about putting a label on me
like maybe im not a sociopath or narcissist or borderline
like she doesn’t want to be the one to blame if shes not right

Call me evil
Because I am

everyone is posting videos
forgetting science
and trying to burn snow
well *** holes it’s called sublimation and
******* for not liking my picture I posted 26 minutes ago

where else is my poor narcissistic soul going to get my ego boost from
I have 34 likes and I need at least 50 to feel like I can be deemed fuckable by the general public
please help me

and you posted a picture
and I liked it and so did your ex-girlfriend
and I ******* hate her and how she can relate to you
and she knows what an IV to the heart feels like and I don’t
but you make me wish I was ill or near death just so I can feel like maybe just maybe we can lay in opposite hospital beds

I heard you got hit by that train on your 17th birthday
Smoking **** on the tracks
Too bad it was only my dream

I wish the fall onto concrete left scars on your face instead of scrapes

I wish the cops caught you that night
Or the night after that
I would have wanted them to lock you up

You threw away the key to my heart
Pressed it flat like a keepsake penny made by machines
I wish I died when I crashed my car for the third time in a year
I know you wished I hadn’t walked away
Wish you weren’t the first person I texted

It has taken me nine months to start getting over you
Its been 5 weeks since I last cried in vain over your memory
It has taken the touch of six men to scrape you off of my skin

I heard every seven years all of your cells renew themselves
By 2019 you will have never touched me
I find some sort of peace in that

It has taken me nine months to think about loving someone else
But here I am
three weeks into a relationship and I'm doing perfectly fine
without you

I still know your middle name and the sound of your laughter
But somewhere I have forgotten your favorite color
I remember where all your hidden freckles are
But I have forgotten the weight of your skin
I could draw your bones on canvas with my eyes closed
I could not color your eyes in or the shape of your lips

I suppose I’m getting closer to forgetting you altogether
There are still remnants of you
Like 2 year old gum stuck to a sidewalk
Is it ever really gone?

Now when people think of us
They think of us as separate people
They pair you with the girl who salivates on your arm
Love was never the mistake
You were the mistake

Im stuck here with burn holes in my thighs
With vacant lonely eyes
I used to call you:
H o m e.

I should have never let a boy matter so much
I am made of stardust and rot
Never should have let you in
You never made me feel as special as I did to you
Dropped me in your kitchen when things got too hot
Looked at the shards on the floor and didn’t bother to sweep me up
Never thought about gluing me back together

You always said you didn’t know what youd do without me
But you do know
Today is six months with the girl you supposedly love now
Her name still makes me shudder a little
and when I saw you last I cried for 20 minutes
It burns me in unseen places to look at pictures of you two together
It burns me to know I am not the one you want

I want you hand rolled and in my mouth
I want your fingers curled around my hair
and I want to taste you

I always thought I would forever miss out
I am always searching for something just beyond my fingertips

Specks of dust floating three inches from your nose

and I see you in eyelashes
and freckles
and glimpses of a smile always so pure

I see you in black
and green
and blue

I see you in the colour of your lips after you’ve been kissing me

I see you in black

I see you in the way your hair moves in my hand
and the way the sun shines and your pupils dilate

I see you in high definition colour

Ive wanted to jump off the roof too many times to tell you
and you seem to be infiltrating my darkness with the warmth in your eyes

and theres a shine I can never fit into my drawings
and 5 minute sketches of your bones on lined paper

but you are not to be pinned down by ink and pencil

you are limitless and deep and I am falling

Only I am dreaming of falling into you instead of to the ground

I am breaking bleakness instead of bones
I never dreamed I wouldn't be alone

I’m sorry you were the result of seduction
I’m really very good at it and I used you
7 years my senior and supremely illegal
you were hesitant to kiss me

Because you've been to jail enough
and didn't want to see a cell again

but I still unbuttoned your shirt
and traced the tattoos on your chest and all the way down your arm
spilling out onto your hand

and I still love the way it felt to sleep naked in your bed
and have your window half open and hear the rain pouring down
as you packed yet another **** hit at 2 am

and we always started movies we never got more than
30 minutes into
because of the way my fingers tested your willpower

and one night we were watching pulp fiction
and I still cant remember a solitary scene
and im sorry

and one night I came over
and you handed me a Marlboro Red and a cold 40
and asked me what my drug of choice was

and we taked about how the
acid in your spine is resting for the next 7 years

and your pupils were dilated so much so I could not see your pretty irises
and I guess what I’m saying is

I love your 24 year old self
and how you made me pizza
and let me wear your favorite shirt (and that’s it) around your house

and im sorry I always left you in bed
when you tried to pull me closer into you
I should have just stayed

and you would always say
“my pillow smells like you, come back. I miss you”

and I stopped dropping by your house in January
and I stopped talking to you

but sometimes at night I dream of the ink on your skin
and how you got hit by a bus
and how you called yourself the antichrist
and how the last four digits of your cellphone number are 7666

and how we ****** so hard I would pull the sheets off of your bed
and how you always kissed me in the small of my back
and the curve of my shoulders and

imsorryimsorryiloveyou

At the end of it all, we said good bye a hundred different ways
but never with our words

and on Halloween we crept down the stairs as not to wake the others
and we burned every last piece of him you had left
and I let you cry yourself to sleep in my arms
and we lit a few candles and we started being
us

and you intimidated me because you were beautiful
and charming
and cunning
and smart

and I was just 15 years old and boring
and you were 18 and everything I ever wanted to be

and I guess I could say I love you

and the way your skin felt as I caressed it
as we laid in your bed (or mine)
wide eyed and heavy hearted

and you were not the first girl I ever kissed
but you were the first and only one I've ever loved

and oh how I ******* loved you
how I still ******* love you

Kiss me with my lips that look like blood pooling
and eyes that look like an exit sign

Sitting on the back porch licking a popsicle
the color of your essence slowly with eyelids closed
and careful movements

I am a snake charmer
a deadly woman
and I am 12

you want me whispering stardust into your ears
and you’re trying to make yourself see it as wrong

But I am all want
I am need
something about me is saying please

I am silk sheets
a sunny day breeze
and I am 12

the edges of my blonde hair comes to the
third vertebrae in my spine
and you want your hands curled in it

you want me like
I am water to the flame that rests in your tongue

you’ve never read ****** before
but you swear I'm the one
Vladimir Nabokov had in mind

You were wearing my favorite black leather jacket
And the minute I saw you walk out of the hospital doors
Something in your face made me shift in my seat a little
Like two stones grinding against light pressure
I took your frame in mine and could tell you had been crying

I'd never felt such raw emotion when you kissed me
You tasted faintly of salt
Like tears had freely curled in the edges of your lips

When you sat in my car and held my hand while you spoke
I had never heard such raw emotion
You told me that the recesses of your mind
played out death
Every time

It was then that I almost understood how crippling your
Disease is to you
I can't feel your pain but I can see it on your face

I think if I could ever truly love someone
it'd be you

You told me I was a pan of hot water and
sometimes it hurt to touch me
but you never thought to turn the temperature down

you just left me boiling

its april 7th and you are still a joke
but somehow you are the only one laughing anymore

I once told you I saw fire in your eyes
and you said it was just the reflection of the
ever burning in mine

I've only now realized that was nothing but a lie

The devil is not red or pointed with hooves
The devil is of flesh
He arrives as the very thing you want most

His name is Lucifer
And he is tall and handsome

He keeps you blind to the raging hellfire
He does not mention you are floating on the river Styx

When he finally pulls the curtain and
gives you back your corneas and irises
You are like Persephone-

you've already eaten seven pomegranate seeds

I fell in love with you all over again in a hospital waiting room

I fell in love with the deep purple under your eyes
like delicate bruising

I fell in love with the paleness of your lips
from lack of nutrients

I fell in love with the way you moved slowly
and achingly wrapped in a white blanket the color of your skin

I fell in love with the deep crimson of your blood
as it ran through your IV

I fell in love with you again as I laid with you in the hospital bed at 3 am

we’d been there for 10 hours
and you had a little too much morphine in your system
and a lack of sleep
when you pulled me close and said

“I could really see myself marrying you some day”

and that was right before you kissed me with your dye stained lips
so they could see your insides better on the x-ray

I fell in love with you again when you looked at me with your
big hazel eyes that turn black around the edges

You said god had sent me from heaven
An angel to watch over you

I'm not too sure about that but what I do know is:

I Do

You asked me by chance in a momentary passing
if I happened to have a lighter

I patted my pockets desperately
for the red one that is usually hidden

I saw you were already turning to leave
and knowing I was losing time

I promptly lit myself on fire just to see
your statuesque form inhale in front of me a bit longer

I watched you walk away into the gray fog
I've never seen you since that day

But I have ever since found myself burning
Literally singed with desire

We fell together like we had no other choice

we fell like two body bags in the back of an ambulance

and suddenly you were killing me
a razor to the femoral artery in a bathtub

and there was nothing else

I used to pray to god for a cleansing rain to wash me of my sins
so that I didn’t burn if I stepped foot in his home

it has rained 729 times since then

and I am still stepping on hot coals

I self identify as the mud caked on your shoes
after you stepped in an unavoidable puddle

I self identify as the coffee that burns the back of your throat
every morning around 5 am

which was always right before you went to sleep
and it never failed to make me laugh

I self identify as everything that reminds me of you

I am a museum to your thoughts
your dreams keep me up at night
I can tell when you are cold when you are 37 miles away

I know you just lit your sixth cigarette of the day
I'm sorry you led me astray

I feel less connected each time I come home
Our dogs only bark at strangers
But I've never gotten into the door quietly
My mother and I orbit the house like planets
We crashed by chance four years ago
And we've been in pieces
Drifting farther into the space
That is in our bedrooms
Since that moment
I have started to feel like a ghost
And I can't breathe unless
I am completely alone

I don't let my emotions out
not to anyone I've ever met

and most would describe me as cold and uncaring

My counselor let slip she thinks I could be a killer
Personally, I think she wishes I would
so she can write a book or something
Ah, the world of psychiatry

Sometimes my anger slips out like a tunnel of rage
and I let go on anyone who stands in my way

that’s why I stopped carrying a knife
and why I stopped thinking about dead things
and the way those animals felt in my hands while
taking their dying breaths

and the way their eyes looked
Like something I've seen in the shadows of my bedroom at night

like something I see in my smile and the sharp corner of my left canine when I cut my tongue on it last May

you could say im crazy but I'd probably just laugh
and then continue sharpening my razors

and my mother found my pistol in the living room air vent
and I almost shot her then

But here I am just writing this poem
and do you ever wonder what I really am

everyday I wear all black
and red lipstick really compliments how pale I am

I change my hair color constantly in hopes no one can ever really know me

and I never use my real name when meeting someone
I have 6 aliases and I use them all

and last year I deleted my Facebook
and now I have a twitter by the name of Wednesday Hayward

and two weeks ago I snuck into your house and left no DNA
and I wonder what you'd say if anyone knew my real name

And lately I've been reading all these things
about people being blind and still
having hope and praying to god

Like maybe I can instill some of that into me

Like maybe if I can find some feeling of normalcy
if I find a joke funny or
some lyrics that really speak to me

Cause here I am with two good eyes
when I've got my contacts in and two
working hands that I have yet to do good with

I used to want to help the world but
now I think I only wanted the attention

I was born “I'll give you something to cry about”
I was born in a barn
I was born halfway up a mountain trail

I was born “you don’t need anyone”
I was born in a nest of bees
I was born on the back of a horse

I was born “I’m only showing you once so listen up”
I was born thigh high in a stream
I was born cutting wood with an axe

I was born “here’s how you **** a chicken’
I was born in a cranberry bog
I was born of land

I was born "show them what you're made of"
I was born in thorns
I was born with blackberry juice staining my lips

I was born “there’s no reason to be scared of the dark”
I was born boots laced jacket on
I was born running

I was born “as a girl you’ll have to try twice as hard”
I was born ready
I was born walking out the front door

One day I’m going to have to stop doing winged eyeliner
and getting drunk in public places

And one day I will have to admit to myself
that I don’t really know what love is

One day I will get in my car
and throw my just lighted cigarette out of the window
because I don't really need it after all

I’ll stop listening to depressing music when I’m home alone

I’ll stop showing up to your house at 1 in the morning

And I’ll stop throwing up in toilets every Friday

One day you’re going to find out about me -

How I’m used up and selfish and *****

One day you will notice my scars
and you won’t kiss them and tell me you love me through it all
because this is not a movie
and pain is not beautiful when it’s as obvious as
blood dripping in your mouth

You will not compare me to a wild flower
and want to **** the nectar out like an active bee and pollinate me

You will pull my sleeve back down
and look out of the window until I drop you off at your house
and you kiss me on the cheek once
instead of leaving marks on my collarbones
and you will not call me right away anymore

so I guess what im getting at is my demise was our own
and no one likes pain they have to look at

No one likes darkness when its up close and personal

"I love you" should not be used as a choke chain
it should not bring you crawling back

You should have no Master

Anyone who says love hurts has been on a leash
I am no different
I too have marks around my neck

If you really want to hurt me do not call me
***** or sadist or selfish

If you really want to hurt me add a razors edge
when you whisper that I am
undeserving and weak

Pour salt on my pillow when you approach my sleeping form
and tell me I am not
mysterious or interesting

And I’ll pretend I was asleep the entire time
Another incident of hate put to rest with my sleepy head

And when I leave in the morning you will put the collar laced with lies around my neck

But love is about appreciation not possession
and you have never loved nor owned me

The people that say passive aggressiveness is just a made up term
and doesn’t really exist
obviously have not met my grandmother

or been across from her at a Thanksgiving day get together
and heard her comments from over the hum of
green beans and dry turkey
that none of us are really so keen to eat
-
The people that say ADHD is just an excuse
and some kind of made up disorder to make people feel better
have not met my mother

or have had to witness a 47 year old middle school teacher quiver
at the thought of concentrating for more than an hour
without some kind of medication or break
or tear up at having to think about organization
-
The people that say being trapped in your own skin
is just a saying that has become overused
have obviously not met me

or have ever felt the need to open their ribcage
and let their bones fly free like little wings
or felt an itch deep inside their organs like some kind of ticking bomb
that could go off at any time  
-
We are all packaged explosives hidden deep in
rocky crevices in a hillside growing wild and green

Just because the outside isn't so frightening
doesn't mean there isn't something dark waiting underneath

I got my first tattoo when I was 15
and the feeling exhilarated me
and to this day the buzzing of the gun excites me

and even to this day the sound of your voice creates something inside of me

and last summer I had 4 people in my car that I later totaled

and we were smoking **** in the park
because we bought three blunts at $5 each

because we went down to southeast
and copped them from the black boys playing basketball in the street

and that was back when I still got paranoid about things

like smoke coming out of the car windows at night
and things like my mother knowing the redness in my eyes
wasn’t from my contacts

Moth wings fluttering against my cheekbones
you are warmth
you are light

I am standing at the edge of this ocean
watching the galaxy pool around me

I do not care if it is a halo or horns
you have hiding out beneath your hat

It does not matter to me if you have shoulder blades
where your wings should be

We can press our bones together for all of eternity
We can be an archeological discovery

Love buried in ash
You are forever all I will need

The problem with loving an artist is it appears beautiful
You get endless sketches of your hands and eyes
On coffee shop receipts
You get scribbles about the endless abyss of your love
Written in the margins of her class lectures
You will receive long tight embraces and soft kisses that
sometimes feel as if she is trying to swallow your scent
And that's all okay for a while

The problem with loving an artist is it gets ugly
she'll smoke too many cigarettes at 4 pm on the back porch while
She mumbles to the sunset about another day gone
You'll find her in bed at 8 am with pages of sad ramblings
Clutched in hand even in sleep
She will skip meals so she can revise the same four words
Until they are the same as originally written
She will ask you to listen to a different song every day because it
"reminds her of you"

Eventually you will find her with paint and blood
Curling into the drain
But she will shut the door on you
And when you question her about the razors you found in her nightstand
She will take them from you and say
"This is how I make my art"

And for the first time
You will read the poetry on her wrists
And you will be unable to say what she needs to hear because
You are not a poet
You do not know how to make words into love
You do not even know if you want to stay when she calls you

"Muse"

You tried to talk to me or get me to look you in the eyes
so I kissed you too roughly to get a single syllable out

and when you gasped for air and answers I put your fingers in my mouth because you always say it turns you on more than anything else

but I just wanted to turn your brain off this time

so we fumbled in the backseat of your jeep
and watched for headlights coming up the street

and I kept my mouth busy
because honestly I lack the ability of knowing what to say

please don’t make it ******* me

My professor is looking at cars on a white projection screen
I am wondering why it was worth my time to come today
Bought a book for $260 so here I am

The boy with a Mohawk and
Chiseled cheekbones looks at me
I always catch him glancing back 3 rows

I don't know the colour of his eyes
But I know the exact bone structure of his jaw
and the way he tightly clenches his fist until the knuckles are white

He makes me wonder what I am
To know that I want nothing more than
His hand colliding with my face
What does that say about me

My professor is an old man who can't walk without a cane
He shows us his ****** art he is so proud of
We are all in rose colored glasses
That does not go away no matter our age
And that is probably the saddest thing

I’m falling through the holes in your soul
like grains of sand through fingertips  

we always think we have found someone so beautiful
and it makes it hard for us to see the ugliness that is behind it

there is no pearl being formed in your shell, my dear

and I suppose that should make me afraid

but I haven’t been scared of the dark
or big bad wolves
or boys with a few stitches in their brains
for years now

so just ignore the dripping knife I have in my hand
and please don’t follow the blood trail into the woods

some things are better left unknown

haven’t you ever heard ignorance is bliss?

I never meant to make you bleed
I never meant to haunt you

I just wanted to float on air
and mix with water

but since dying
I’ve learned I’m more like oil

I have no use for locks anymore
so I threw away all of my keys

I tried to kiss you in your sleep
but there was too much smoke in the way

I cleaned up the blood trail from your bedroom
to the bathroom down the hall

I’ve learned a lot in a death but it seems
I am forever missing you

Here we are in the tunnel of a yellow slide at the park
with clumps of smoke falling from your mouth like mud
but I shouldn’t be surprised at that

we sat on your porch
and the veins in your arms were just asking to strangle me
and if I’m honest with myself I would have let them
because I couldn’t imagine a better way to end myself

and after work one day I went to the maze near your house

and it was raining warmth out of the dark sky

and I pulled the petals off of all the roses
and threw them in the air and let them rain down on me
because I needed to feel beautiful and dramatic for just a minute
after such a long day

and you watched from your car

because I was just a stupid silly girl that you didn’t want to get caught up in

I pledge allegiance to my dad for giving me issues
I would have never known had he never left
I pledge allegiance to myself

I am more self-obsessed than I would care for anyone to ever know

I dress in all black so my relative’s burn
and roll over in their graves

I always spoke out of turn in my classes
and it’s hard for me to admit my mistakes
I have a knack for creating a new face,
I do it practically every day

I probably know your name even if we haven’t met
I occasionally draw attention to myself
just so I can feel justified and attractive

I pledge allegiance to the flag

I quite like this freedom but to be honest
I’d rather have the power

The first time we had ***
(Or made love as you like to put it)
I choked you

And if you really want to make love then you need to
close the door on me and use a triple deadbolt
I am incapable of making love

I am hot water on the burner on the stove bubbling over
and if you don’t want to get burned you need to put a lid on me

I wrapped my hands around your neck while I was on top of you
and I watched as your face changed colour
and your mouth opened and closed like a fish flopping on deck
but there was no air to breathe

And it was really making me excited until I realized that you liked it
so next time I held your throat with one hand and
bit your chest so hard you started to bleed in a few places
and for some reason you got off on that too

But when I asked you to spank me I got four tiny slaps
and then you held your hands around my neck gently
and told me that you couldn’t bear to hurt me because you loved me

So I guess that goes to show
You will get no love from me

We cover illness with flowers
and flowers die

The inside of my mouth tastes like it is decaying
I hope I lose all of my teeth first

Maybe its just the scotch and *****
But there is a burning in my throat

Maybe it is Satan just making his way out

We are the girls who walk around with little bird bones,
rib cages ready to snap when we spread our wings and
fly away

and for my next act,
I shall disappear little by little until I am ash.

I’m not eating for four days or until
I can feel the ***** that is my stomach start to shrink

I used to refuse food for weeks
it amazes me how self-indulgent I have become

I am ready to eat spoonfuls of air
spin my hair into a models top knot and
know that water is a privilege not a right

a million screaming girls saying
“but im not hungry”
while a tiger flays their insides open at night

Kate Moss said "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"
and I suppose she is correct
What happens when you learn the tongue is a muscle not to be used

What happens when sustenance is no longer needed
When the mind decides
the very thing that keeps the body alive is a punishment

What happens when you refuse a necessity of being human

They say time stops in a black hole
but who is they and what do “they” really know

What I’ve learned here on earth is time stops when I am with you

in sheets or
the back of a car or
a living room or
darkness

Warm flesh melting
we are dripping
ticking

The way you tilt your head back with parted lips
and let something loose from the core of your stomach

and the way your eyelids flutter and roll
like you are a wave I am riding out perfectly

The way you tangle your fingers into my hair
and hold my hips in the palm of your hand like
this is it

writhing and uncomplicated

people speak of passion

I speak of lust and
want and
this is it

The way you bite into my neck like
you wish you could draw blood
but instead you bring marks to the surface that stay for days
leaving me with a scarlet harlot letter

and the weight of your hand on the back of my head
pushing you further into me
until my nose rests on your skin
and I can feel the tight tendons in your leg and
this is

it