I take a deep breath in, full of nicotine and safety blankets.
I know it's killing me slowly, but the relief comes fast.
And like the laughter of family at a Christmas banquet,
or the sound of my song on the radio as I drive to work,
it's just that little extra shove; that tiny smirk;
I don't need to feed the habit; I don't need it to last.

So, if you see me hugging my ethereal comfort food to my lips,
Don't condescend to give me ****
for the puff that I take, for the way that I self medicate.
It's a moment's release from a lifetime of hates.
I take a deep breath in, full of nicotine and safety blankets,
and briefly the pain, like the smoke, dissipates.

My hands weren’t sweating when I said it.
                    I will never write a love song.
It never seemed like anyone could see
past the pink
                swirly
                       fogging their eyes.

   How pathetic.

But cheerios get soggy
when I look away this long
and I wrote my first melody
because of your swirly eyes.

   They’re so much darker,
                 like rotted leaves.

And second,
                third,
(voice cracking, echoing)
      my fingertips
are splitting over these strings.

Fourth-
palpating vibrations killing the me
I’d thought furthest through.
I swear,
I wont crack as hard this time, but-

I can’t tie my shoelaces
without tearing flower petals,
so I walk around stumbling,

falling
into pretty girls.

just because I like your eyes
or your twisted words that tango
in flashes of crimson and cranberry
with ideas of my own
I refuse to lay down my armor
at your traveling feet

You are a wanderer just like me
the world is not our oyster
but the massive emerald sea
and we hold our breath
as long as we can manage
brushing the sea ****
with our finger tips
and swirling with
the schools of fish
until we are gasping for air
at the surface of the water,
squinting in the sun to see
each other

I may never learn how to
breathe underwater
so don't hold me like you hold your breath--
I am not a temporary exploration

I am the sand and sunshine
where oxygen abounds
I am the quiet storms
and the furious clouds

There is a whole world above the sea
where you can breathe
and in that world,
you'll find me.