I’m in pain.

Every step that I take
It breaks
My soul
Into pieces
As I watch the things
I love
By the sidelines

Every step is a memory
A flash
To my past
When the only thing
That drew lines together
Were the stitches
That I wished
Had existed
Were the solutions
That I wished
Had saved me

Even as I stand
My weight shifts
Like the soul inside
That shifted from live to survive
That shifted from give to keep
That shifted from grin to weep
That shifts from try to die
Each time
The sun sets
And rises

I use tape
To hold together the pieces
That slide away
To repair
The rips
Within
To change the scars
That failed
To keep me strong
That made my right wrong

I wish I could forget
The days
Where i faded away
Where I looked for a way outside
Instead of a way back in
And out
Of the halfway
Half living
Half dying
Half trying
Half crying
Place I existed

And even today
I can look to live
Or to die
To thrive
Or survive
To grin or weep
To give or keep
To feign or my pain

And its tearing me apart
From the outside in
It makes me feel
Like my life is just sin
And to the person who knows nothing
Who thinks my soul is whole
Not a hole
Who thinks my smile
Isn’t a trial
Who thinks my knees
Stand and don’t buckle
Who thinks my legs are steady
And my head is high
Because I tried
And with pride
I stand
Not because I’d drown if I didn’t

To the person who looks at my mask
But sees my face
I wish you knew
I wish you knew
The trials
I’ve had to face
But I’m glad you don’t
Because you’d see a victim
Not a soldier
You’d see a patient
Not a survivor

So stay in your box
And I’ll stay in mine
And we’ll see
How time
Changes us
We’ll see if I live or die
If thrive or survive
We’ll see which way
My soul shifts
From dark to light
From sun to night
We’ll see who guides the way
The scars in my shoes
Or the stars and the moon
To show me the way
Up or down
Left or right
Sun and day
Or dark and night
Heaven or hell
From poor to well
I will see my way
To the end
Because for any beginning to start
An end must stop.

And so

I’m in pain.

I stand to see what sleeps beside me.
My husband, I still have yet to see.
Is he the one whispering sweet nothings in my ear?
Or the monster all but I seem to fear?
I reach for the light to find his identity,
I hesitate questioning my own destiny,
Am I destined to **** my loyal spouse?
He shares not his face, yet shares his house.
Shaking the hypothetical thoughts away,
Again my determination ends its sway.
Turning I look upon his divine face
Falling to my knees, I forget my grace.
My husband is no serpent, no monster,
Some divinity who deserves true honor.
My trembling hands drop the sinful dagger,
But my hands soon cause my world to shatter.
My lighted lamp’s scorching oil
Gives my sweet husband great toil.
The liquid flows and burns his skin,
And so it seems our trials begin.
He wakes and flees my wretched state,
As I seal our love into its dreadful fate.

I need to say something I’d rather not have to say
But there is a bed I have made and now I must lay
you shouldn’t have to know
But I’m gonna say no
I really hope our friendship won’t have to pay.....

I can hear him coming in the silence
For the silence signals his arrival
When everything withdraws
I start waiting for the crash
And the overwhelming
Feeling of losing
Control over
Everything
In my
body.

And
Then he
Comes down
Hard, crashing
Destroying everything
In his path and I can’t stop
Him no matter how hard I try
And he’s leaking through my eyes
On to my shirt and bed and pillow and
His insatiable lust to destroy is briefly relieved.

If these walls could hear,
they'd hear my cries,
my pleas to take it all away from me.

If these walls could feel,
they'd feel my pain,
my fear,
my anger,
and all of my shame.

If these walls could think,
they'd think my thoughts,
my thoughts that run in every which way.

If these walls could know,
they'd know my torment,
my torture without a soothing refrain,

If these walls could comfort,
they'd touch my soul,
my soul shattered and breaking more every day.

If these walls could help,
they;d ease my mind,
my mind that needs reason to sleep away.

But these walls don't think,
don't hear,
don't feel.
Stand there, unforgiving, and cold as steel.

They make up the cell from which I made,
standing, not stopping, till I end my days.