been so happy lately
i cant define sadness anymore
everything now is lovely
i couldn't even ask for more

afraid it will end soon
afraid you will leave me too
but we're always under the same moon
but i'll stay if you ask me to

why
it felt so sad suddenly
thinking you gone
out of my sight
out of my life
but i'm not the one who beg
for love
for someone to stay
for my life has no direction
i'll die any time
if i want it to

maybe its just me
and my dreams
that makes me happy for a little while
and my pain
that will ruin me soon
save me

i have anxiety
undiagnosed.

sometimes it feels like my head is stuffed with crumpled ***** of paper: the things I never said, the things I should have never said, the things that someone never said to me.

all of these things are written on every piece of paper
there are so many right now that no more would be able to fit
yet i can't stop thinking things, i can't stop saying stupid things, i can't stop wishing things.

i sigh I reach up to my forehead and i grasp my bangs
with my shaky hands and pull

i'm hoping one day when i do this
the top of my head will yank open
all of these crumpled pieces of thoughts
will pour out in a pile
on the floor
i will kneel down
and uncrumple each and every piece
i will read each one
until my head fills up again.

I think
as artists
we owe a lot to pain.

Put on
a robe of thorns
and write

about the nice weather outside
and that delicious burger
you had today.

Write about happiness
when you're in pain-
beauty.

crank the bass to beat away the day
my memory is infected
paranoid of a repercussion
waiting for minutes on end, but no one answers
feel the rhythm through each streetlight as
they sway left to right
I'm l o s t in the night
only a few things to keep you out
indulging in changing news
and stuffing my days with silence
incorporate my feelings in their lousy poems but I
could write them better.
thoughts infiltrate a peaceful brain
turn it up, drown it out
first step is finding time
then finding a place
then staying quiet
move in sudden bursts
no color, only black and white
hit the road but through tinted eyes
music moving me more than you ever could
stay away, I constantly pray
in your world, finding a new lover just
means a new problem so
I'll swim solo for now
cranking up the bass, calling out to the single walker
step aside before I fall

Ketamine dreams,
induced narcoleptic nightmares,
poles of northern impulses,
and southern stupors.

My equator's equilibrium,
and my catatonic control,
each one in the same,
yet far from reach.

A squeeze of a lime,
its fresh sour scent,
atop three fingers of gin,
match the burn of my cuts,
and i feel once again.

Cocktail straws set aside,
stirring fingers dull discomfort after a lick,
"three more limes please, barkeep",
it's now triple the pain i seek,
tolerance & your fickle itch.