How many times can
the same thing destroy your heart?
I think I've lost count

8:34 PM
13/5/22

Her heart was
where I found my home.
Her thoughts and words
open up doors I could never find
and her eyes painted the walls
in beauty only rivaled by her own.
This is the house I wish
to spend my days.

Now that you have seen
how I need my solitude
to escape bustle and burden
of everyday life and
how I need my silence
to escape these deafening crowds,
how I take refuge behind this
impenetrable heart of stone,
am I still easy to love?

I feel nothing
for the greatest pleasures
and terrible tragedies-
this is how it has always been.
Call it a lack of emotion,
an emptiness, a hollowness-
I carry that around in my soul,
my blood and my bones.

Dear diary;
who am I?
Whoever I am,
I frighten me.

I felt like I was in love
with a wasteland because it
once birthed a bed of flowers.
I was in love with memories
that had long since passed-
my mind became my enemy.
Little did I know that those flowers
were poisonous little things.

How solitary
and sublime these
winter nights have been.
I have always preferred
the shadows and silence
to the endless crowds
and commotion of
everyday life.

We will meet again-
and our time together won't
be so short next time

10:30 AM
25/8/24

Dear diary;
Tonight,
I will once again
return to the shadows,
to hollowness and emptiness,
to nothingness.
Oh, the joy of losing myself
in the darkness of space and time,
the joy of being no one and nothing
for another night.

Like a sunflower,
you pour so much
love and light into something
only for the forces of nature
to wither it away.
The odds are always
stacked against
life.

Why does the moon
always shine so bright
when you know the hangover
is going to be glorious
the next morning?

Your assumptions of
other people are mostly
wrong most of the time

4:30 PM
24/3/22

If it were not for dreams,
how else would we escape?
There would be nothing to look forward to
each time we close our eyes
and wonder what world awaits us.
At the end of the day,
whether we feel sad,
happy, or anything in between,
we find solace in closing our eyes
as we drift into the dream world.
Sometimes we wake up with feelings
we did not know we had.
Sometimes it is good to escape
at least just for a while.

I don't believe
a broken heart truly mends-
some pieces are lost
forever.

I
don't care
anymore.
I feel myself hollowing out
as the world grows bleaker
by the day.
These people
are termites and I
just don't care
anymore.

Tourists pass through
day after day and
these ruins start to forget
that they're ruins at all.

The most beautiful
people are those who don't know
that they're beautiful

10:25 AM
12/2/22

Why do you always
have to be so beautiful
and distant like that?

5:46 PM
6/5/20

Just because they have
a heart, does not mean they are
capable of love

6:51 AM
6/8/24

Learn to separate
the blue from the skies
from the blue in
your heart.

The demons
always find a way
of rebuilding the bridges
I set ablaze so very
long ago.

Our time was brief-
so brief that you left
without really arriving.
I did not even have the time
to say goodbye to you.
Our time flashed before my eyes,
and just like that,
we were strangers
again.

I am messed up but
I promise to love you more
than anyone can

4:52 PM
25/4/22

Waking up in Memphis
one last time and I
am sad to say goodbye.
She's driving me to the bus depot
thinking about how she'll spend
the rest of her day.
Meanwhile, I'm thinking of how I
can stay just a little bit longer.

Dear diary;
perhaps it was hope,
one ****** up illusion,
that convinced me
that maybe,
just maybe,
I ever had a chance
with you.

I am not
for everyone.
I am not
for this life.
I am not even for myself
on most days.

I keep hurting
myself with thoughts
that I may or may not mean.
There's a storm raging
inside my head-
silvery clouds I
cannot tame.

I'm still a hopeless
romantic but you give me
the hope I long for

11:58 AM
17/4/20

Learning to look  at you from afar,
to not reach you with these hands,
to get used to the silence,
to become strangers
once again
is one of the
most difficult
lessons I have endured
and am still learning.

This is not the life
I had in mind and I am
sick of pretending

10:53 PM
22/7/20

I lay my head
into your chest
and your heart skips a beat.
I always hum along,
for it is my favorite
song.

I wandered too far
from who I was and now
I cannot find my way back to me.
I know that I am still out there
waiting to be found,
waiting to feel alive,
and waiting to love
again.

Perhaps I am
just a window
for everyone to see through,
to lift me up for their own vanity
only to put me down when
the world grows dark.

Dear diary;
All of the good days are nothing
compared to the emptiness I feel
since she took her away-
or more like a piece of me away.
And now I think I am getting sick
from all of the poison she fed me
over the past year-
that's all she left.

I am terrified
when I am not
feeling numb.

Once this darkness is over,
we won’t remember how we survived.
We won’t even be sure
whether the darkness is really over.
But one thing is certain-
When we climb out of the darkness,
and into the light,
we won't be the same world
that once stood.

If I had known
that was the last time
I saw you,
what would I have done differently?
Would I have memorized your smile
for all those rainy days you
wouldn't be here?
Would I have held you longer
hoping that your warmth would
stay with me for just a bit more?
Would I have kissed you one more time
so that I remember heaven
when hell comes next?

Hollow are the
promises we make
after midnight.

Rain of shine,
the solitude stays the same.
Wherever I go and
whoever I'm with.

I know
it may seem
like things aren't
ever going to be alright
but in the end,
time will prove
you wrong-
it always
does.

Life was a kaleidoscope-
made up of the most vivid
colours and emotions and I
remember them like
they were yesterday.
But somewhere along the way,
it was as if a filter had been
placed over everything.
The colours still remain,
but are now lifeless and dull.
This washed out perception took its toll,
and soon these greys began to paint
this soul and all that it experienced.
Everything that made up the kaleidoscope-
the colours, emotions and experiences
now shades of grey-
shadows of their former selves.
It's an empty feeling to exist in
a world so vibrant when
all I see are shades of grey.

It was your spark that
lit this divine fire within this heart.
I am convinced that it
will burn forever.

You want a sign?
Honey, if you are in need
of a sign to convince yourself
that it is right,
it probably
isn't.

Yes, it's true,
I still think of you-
how can I forget the one
who consumed my mind,
heart and soul for so long?
Years can go by,
I can move away,
I can even be reborn,
yet in my mind you still remain.

People could tell how much
you lit up my spirit-
they could see it in my eyes,
they could see it in my smile.
But now that you've gone,
these eyes ain't what they used to be.
Like a switch,
I have taught myself to
light them up on command.
But deep down,
this spirit doesn't
shine so bright.

I am still in awe of the colours
you have painted into my life and
the magic you weave into this world.
To be of the same blood is an honor
I will never take for granted and
to be the one of the same soul
is something I will always cherish.
Thank you for giving me the
hope and strength to keep going
in a world that would be so
cold and bleak without you.

I just want to be
enough but not too much all
at once, just for you

4:40 PM
11/3/20

When your ship
came crashing back to shore
I knew the ocean didn’t love us
anymore.

Some days
I miss the sun.
Nevertheless,
I still wake up and
see your smile-
that's all the warmth I need
to start the day.
These mornings could not
get any better.

There are few
who really know me
at all.
Sure,
some will know a few
facts about me-
they'll try to piece me together
in a way that makes sense to them.
Sometimes I believe the idea of me
that they have created
or perhaps I don't know
myself at all.