I will not ask you to stay-
you don't owe me anything.
I know you will leave
and there is nothing I can say
to change that.
Our time is coming to an end
and though you will say goodbye,
that doesn't mean my
heart will reciprocate.

You would think
that we would be caring
for one another by now.
In a world so cruel,
why would we
go at it
alone?

Just know that there is
no place I go where you do not follow,
that there are no days that you are forgotten,
that this silence is a loud longing for you
and that the beating in this chest is
the desire to hold you again.
I close my eyes for yet another night
wondering when we will meet again.
But until then, it is in these dreams
where we will have to meet,
where this love remains eternal.

Only a night in Hong Kong
can save me now.
With you, hand in hand,
we can walk the Dragon's Back
and find that perfect lookout.
We can watch the sun set over
a city we never wish to leave-
over the neon lights that never seem to fade.
Your head on my shoulder,
we shield each other from Autumn's chill
and forget about our troubles
at least just for tonight.

Grief may take different forms
but it is there every day.
Some days it weighs on us more than others,
so much that you cannot breathe as if
crushed by the gravity of a
black hole in your heart-
it consumes all that it orbits
and not even light nor joy can escape its grasp.
Sometimes grief can be a burning sun
or a barren, cold moon
forsaken by its planet
all too long ago.

When I laugh, I cry,
a gentle reminder of how
I cannot bring moments of joy
to your attention.
To share with you the joy,
the love, the world,
would trump these things combined.
You are not here anymore,
to share what I share,
to love what I love,
to learn what I learn.
I wonder 'what if',
what could have been,
and where we would be now-
perhaps we would be sharing the joys
we experience in this parallel existence.
But you live your own moments of joy now,
and that alone is enough,
to bring me joy.

My heart
may not be broken
anymore,
but it is fortified.
You taught me lessons
the hard way and
I am eternally
grateful and
ungracious.

Learn to separate
the blue from the skies
from the blue in
your heart.

Only memories remain
from the ruins of you and I.
I shift through the rubble of yesterday
but our destruction turned them to ash.
The echoes of the past still shriek
throughout these ruins but
they are just memories-
nothing more.

The mask can't slip if
I just yank it off your face
you ******* tyrant

1:17 AM
6/2/21

My soul still searches
for you from time to time.
Sometimes it finds you in the sunflowers
in all its beauty and aura
this world has been
blessed with.

Isn't it ironic when
our pain helps us to write?
So much so that we get so
caught up in the inspiration that
we let the happiness pass by.
We hold onto that pain and
squeeze every last drop
of ink until our
work is done.

I wasn't in search of anyone
or anything-
until I found you.
And I have been looking
for you ever since.

My head is in the
galaxy and my thoughts are
spread across the stars

4:56 PM
9/9/24

There are some
thoughts and memories
that you try to lock away
and throw away the key-
those **** thoughts
that open the floodgates
of torment and shame
if thought about for
just a moment.

Sometimes the best way
to love is to understand
your partner's silence

6:29 PM
10/10/24

As I come to terms with
the heartlessness within me,
I lose count of how many times
my heart has been broken-
how many shards still remain.
I may never recall,
but what I do know
is that the love you seek
within me does not remain.

A series of mistakes
had to happen for you
to become who
you are
today.

How can I love you
when I still have not yet learnt
how to love myself?

6:20 PM
13/6/21

This life
is a bitter cup
of coffee but you
were my little spoon
of sugar.

Memories always
make me want to go back there-
back there where you are

10:08 PM
6/3/21

You wove magic
with tenderness and love
that you braided in my skin
and made the sunflowers sing
with your laughter alone.
I painted your beauty
into those very sunflowers
that I maintain to this day.
I plucked the brightest one I could find
and keep it on my bedside table.
That way it reminds me of you
from the moment I wake to
the moment I sleep.
I think I'm going to plant some more sunflowers
in hopes that their presence will embrace
my home the way your warmth
embraced my home
so very long ago.

I wandered too far
from who I was and now
I cannot find my way back to me.
I know that I am still out there
waiting to be found,
waiting to feel alive,
and waiting to love
again.

It was your spark that
lit this divine fire within this heart.
I am convinced that it
will burn forever.

Yesterday I
stared at the sunflowers
and lost myself in
the thought of you.

We can’t try
to make sense of
the **** the universe or
what other people
throw our way.
Just know that whatever
they throw your way,
it says more about them
than it does
about you.

Why do we write?
Is it to fill the bottomless hole
in our hearts
dug by those who
come and go,
who defile and destroy,
and those who do
not understand
your heart?

How can a woman
be so sweet and so spicy
all at the same time?

11:04 PM
14/4/20

Dear Diary;
I don't want to let go
because I am afraid of
what life would be like
without them.
To be honest,
I don't want to know.
I'd rather spend every day saddened
by your absence than to
forget your name.

It feels like I am
drowning except everyone
around me can breathe

10:03 PM
20/9/24

It is time to accept
that you are not coming back.
It is for the best-
I would not accept you.
What betrays me once
will surely betray me twice
and as many times
as it needs to.

The joy of a
thousand sunflowers
leaves my heart brimming with joy.
You make me want to
plant a thousand more.
Hand in hand,
let's get lost in the yellow fields
we grew together.

There are those in life
who make you want to say
'I love you'
and there are those
who make you want to say
'*******'.
I want to be the one
who makes you want to say
both.

It's a dog eat dog world, baby,
and I simply found myself
at the bottom of your
food chain.

Winter is hard
when you have so
much love and you are not
here to receive it.
Nothing illuminates the darkness,
nothing warms the coldness and
nothing thaws the ice from
this heart when you are
not here as my sun.

Dear Diary;
why do I feel the
need to sabotage myself
whenever something good
happens in my life?
Do I really feel
that undeserving?

So much distance,
but not between our hearts.
So cold is the night,
but so warm are the memories
we share forever.

Loneliness
isn't when others
aren't there for you,
it is when you are not
there for yourself.
If you cannot be
there for yourself
in a world of billions-
that is true
loneliness.

To this day,
it still saddens me that
our only photo was upon
the London Bridge.
Don't get me wrong,
it's a spectacular shot but
it doesn't give justice to
what we were or
what would have been.

As you walk alone,
make sure to grow
lovely little things along the way.
Grow your pretty pathway,
your graceful garden,
and maybe one day
you will get to share it
with someone just as lovely.

No one should be
responsible for your happiness.
No one should bear that pressure-
not your partner, nor family, nor friends.
Only you can determine it,
and with that happiness,
you share it with those
who deserve it.

I am a storm-
a trail of destruction
that follows me each day.
I am the thunder,
the pain and paranoia
that goes boom in the night.
I am the black clouds-
I am my own black hole
and this anger cannot
escape.

Realizing that you are
not as special to someone
as you thought you were
just cuts that much deeper.

Dear diary;
I find myself drained
at even the little things.
The chores, the socializing,
the emotions and the obligations.
It is no wonder I am exhausted
at the end of the day just
trying to survive.

There are no heroes-
only villains and victims
in this ****** up world

12:49 PM
8/6/21

Depression is
your mind's way of
keeping the sorrow
at bay.

I could play
your heartstrings all day,
blow a kiss through the horns
of our love
always
and forever.

I fell in love
with an angel
but forgot that I was
a mere mortal infatuated
in forbidden love.

Grief is
inevitable.
Everyone will pass-
they will turn to memories
and all you can do to prepare
is make sure you made an
abundance of them for
that inevitable day.

And just like that,
you were gone-
a scent lost to the wind,
a sight lost to the void,
a touch lost to space
and a memory lost to time.