Do you remember it?
Do you remember me?
Do you miss it?
Do you miss me?


-Poetry

I didn't ask

I didn't want to know

I didn't need this feeling

Of almost
Of Incomplete

But its the nightmares of intimacy

That hurt me

The most.

if you read me,
you can watch
the crazy
flick




back                                                                                                                    


and
                                    

                                                                                                                   forth

Loud
Yelling
Knuckles cracking
Sick on car rides
Holding hands
Running through snow
Runny nose
Tired
Tires
Screeching on the pavement
Two people in love didn't make this
This
Me
My
Fault
My
Family
Hurt
Hit
Scared
Soft
Big hat box
Full of soft
Gloves
And just too small socks
With ribbons around the ankles
Itchy hats
With lace
And flowers
One was always yours
And one was always mine
But my favorite
Were the handkerchiefs
Small flowers embrioded on the corners
Purple or blue
Or yellow or pink
One in my pocket
One in your purse

It was better than Christmas
It was like heaven
It was like some dream
Some beautiful dream I didn't want to wake up from
A calm in the middle of the storm
That was my household
It was
Sunday
And
The Lords day

And everyone was quiet

And everyone



Was beautfiul
.
.
.

Someone take my life from me and hold it in their hand
Just  
Hold it
Hold me

Please

And I am holding hands with my depression while it screams into a microphone
It's used to being center stage
The center of attention
Poking, proding
I'll kiss my love on the lips and it'll tug at my shirt whispering
"I'm still here"

It'll grab at me on car rides
Pinch my walking down the street
Make my nose bleed in bookstores
Break my fingers in urban outfitters
"I'm still here"
"I'm still here!"
"I'M STILL HERE!!"
Slowly getting louder as I try to push it down

Sometimes I muffle it
Quiet it
But I can never completely silence it
My hand slips
And a battle cry is released into the night
the duct tape wasn't tight enough
Or maybe my grip

I guess I stopped kicking it eventually
Stopped fighting it
Stop tying it
It was
The thing I kept in my basement but instead of me trying to make it stay and it trying to escape
it fought me to be cemented in my mind
taking all my resources starving me emotionally

Maybe sometimes physically

I accepted that it was a part of me

I let sing to me
Occasionally
After all
We're both in the basement
And we're

bored

It would sing things
Hopeless,
Frantic,
Scary things

They don't like you
There isn't a point in breathing it's mundane, it's uninteresting

You have hurt so many people and been hurt by so many people you're beginning to forget where the line is
And which side you're on

If she knew you now
She'd be disappointed
But she's dead
She died before you tried to let her learn who you grew into

They'll all die

You'll die

We are all just putting off the inevitable
Isolate yourself

You know you're happier alone
You know he doesnt really love you
So stop answering the phone


One night
My depression took out a knife
And slit her thighs
I was asleep but she bled on me all night
And in my dreams

I knew the warmth was from tragedy

Though I never bled with her
I let her keep me red

Keep me angry

"You'll never have a dad!" she yells.

"You'll never go away"
I frown at the shriveled little body of memories and chemical imbalances and tubes and guts and hearts and other dismembered parts
And I think

I've known you for so long
But i've never really looked at you

I am surprised
How different
How separate
We are

You grab me
Poke me
Yell at me
Hold me
Hurt me

But you

Are not

Attached to






                                 Me.

Cold
I love him
You don't
I want him
You don't

Love, surfing
High tides
But when it is low
Where does the love go?

Please,


please don't leave.



...

My heart will never skip a beat for your name again.

I'm trying to be happy with the little corner of the universe I can control

I can not manipulate the night sky to call me back after 9

I can not ask to borrow the Moon's favorite dress

I can finish that book

I can wear those jeans

You

Have not taken

Everything

From me

Put the laundry in the washer
Turn it on
Twist the silver dial
delicate

Get the rest off of you floor
In a laundry basket
Years worth
a large collection of cloth things

Drag the plastic baskets down the basement stairs

You're halfway there

Carry the ***** dishes
Armfuls and sticky fingers
But at least you were eating
Even if some days its just mugs with dried tea bags you are accepting something into the shell you become

I sit on the floor
And start putting markers back into my craft drawer
Thinking about how she liked to draw
And how she was so good at it
But she will not live long
With her condition

I shake my head
Pick up candy wrappers and place them in the trash
I think about how my 92 year old grandmother is dying more everyday
And I haven't seen her in 3 years
Family difficulty

I carry the trash bags down stairs
And wash my hands three times

Fold the laundry

I do this every few months
After midnight motivation
Comes
And I'll take anything I can get
I lay in bed
Took a sleeping pill so I wouldn't have to deal with my head

The melatonin makes the nightmares go away

And that's because I can't stay up late enough to become scared of my brain

I can't control anything

But sometimes I can

Clean

....

You want to do Cold and Distant?

Fine,

But I've done Cold and Distant before

And I'm better at it than you are

"What's the use of writing it all down?"
She said.

"I'm just trying to keep it out of my head"

"Stupid girl"

"Stupid me?"

"You know how to ******* read."

I miss being friends
Were we ever friends?
I miss being in love
Did I ever love?
I miss the fighting
I miss the passion
I miss the heat
The pain
The healing
The art
The late nights
The wondering

The writing


But,
Was any of it ever really there?

-Disecting

All that I am
All that I was
All that i'll ever be
Will never make sense to anyone

Not even me

In the wake of our love

We were both so broken

And so
Young

she's back

"What are you waiting for?"
.
.
.
"I'm waiting for you to regret it"

One day i'll forgive you for being the way that you are
·
One day I might even stop caring about why,
·
You
·
Are
·
The
·
Way
·
That
·
You
·
Are
·
·
·
...