I take problems,

like they're drugs,
get me a fix before I get fixed,
I'll always pay for them.

I'm nostalgic for a time that's not yet over,
The low hum glow of my phone,
Playing a new,
Chill band I found on Youtube at 3am.

Car ride,
With music blasting my eardrums,
While the shadows of trees cast on my face,
And warm air caresses my cheeks.

My hand on the wheel,
Of my mothers subaru,
Driving through school parking lots.

Lying on the grass,
Looking at the lake,
The sun sets,
And I experience a calm like no other.

"Hi!" I wave,
Another party,
New faces,
Music,
Friends.

More drives,
More music,

I pray this never ends

Cool day,
Sitting in this dressing room
Girls attack me with fits of laughter,
Begging for jokes,
For stories.
Asking me for anything,
To make them feel valued.
"My dad is horrible"
"My parents are divorced"
"I heard Anya cuts herself"
I give them advice,
Pretend that I'm wise,
Even though I'm trying to figure it all out myself.

Dark,
Stars,
Chill,
Night.
Sitting on swings,
Talking to you,
About our entire lives.

I'm nostalgic,

For a time thats not yet over.

But I'll be so devasted when it is.

We went on the road,
We yelled and ran,
Holding hands,
Our feet cold on rough, wet ground.

Stars bright,
Chilly night.

Darkness surrounds us,
Nothing but the low glow of the porch light,
Cold.
but the good kind of cold the cold that reminds you you're alive

On the stone steps your sister smokes her life away,
With stolen ciggerettes.

run,
run,
RUN.

Cold,
This is fun right?
Yes,
I turn to look at you,
But you're gone.

The safety of the porch,
Had called you,

I try to stand alone.
In a place where no cars go,

Alone,
Darkness is less inviting,
I look to the stars for comfort,
But find none,
By myself.

Lovely broken bibles,
Tearing at the seams,
Holy words unravel,
Praises hide the screams.

me and God took a hiatus

I found someone to blame.


I miss my man in the sky,
Most nights,
It was nice,
To have something to stand for,
Someone to look to,
An example,

A father.

Me and God took a little break,
For a long time.
When I was 9,
Where was he?
Goodbye house,
Goodbye parents,
Goodbye dreams.

I went to churches that preached hate,
And lost someone I loved,
To wicked, wicked drugs,

where was he?

I tried to find him in my heart,
I feared he'd fled,
I didn't know it was I,
who chased him out,
I didn't have him
Because I didn't want him.

We were on a break.


Then i got dizzy,

Randomly,

I made a lot of trips to the emergency room my 13th and 14th year of living,
Spent most of my time on hospital beds I began to memorize the E.R. nurses faces,
And which shifts they worked.
I became so familiar with pain,
And not being to breathe,
And medication,
After medication,

WHERE WAS HE?

now I am past most bad days,
And no longer need drugs to keep me sane,
But every once in a while I feel my faith flicker.

When I felt him the strongest this year,
I was in the middle of a field at 2am.
I was with my best friend,
And we were lying down,
Looking at the stars,

I stood up and felt so small,
So insignificant,

where was he?

I felt like the world could have swallowed me whole,


I felt that way when I was 9,
But I was on a car trip that would change my entire world,
I felt that way when I was 12,
But I was on a roof.

I hadn't felt this way in years,

It reminded me what it was like to want to die;


But I didn't.

Ah,

*there he is