dizzy with anger
the light dims in my head
why the **** does it matter to what they said?
i fall to the floor
letting the water envelope my naked body
everything is sore
i refuse to understand
to comply
hot tears race down my face
why do i ever bother and try?
when all i end up doing is crying
i looks down at my arms sighing
the water turns a crimson red
would it be so bad if i was left here dead
all these thoughts spiralling through my head
because it really does matter to me what they said

i have always loved the flowers and the birds,
loved the sunlight and the clouds that drift by
i have always loved the way the leaves move
in a breeze and that soft whispering sound they make
yet the tiredness that begun a while ago
remains like a veil over my skin
grey and cold
and as I watch the petals and the twigs that sway
outside the window
there is only a creeping sorrow where there should be joy.

it sits like november rain on my skin
enough to chill what was once warm inside
at any other time I would have called a friend
asked for the warmth I needed to ward it off
just a little is enough
nnow I just let it come
drop by drop
i feel like it's an ocean falling upon me instead of rain
that the grief of years I carefully suspended
has all condensed right above my head into a cloud
large enough to block the sun
they say it can't rain forever, that there will come a time
when it must cease, that the last drop will have fallen
thing is, i just don't care
i plan to just stay here in the cold, comfortably numb

music to me is like turning back the clock,
travelling to return to a life of agony and loss
i embrace the music and in turn the music takes control
i find myself in a different world
a world of pain
i could feel my soul become one with the music
as i unleashed my emotions into dance
i needed this as badly as i needed to breathe
my entire body moved with a purposeful clarity
my smile on display for all to see
but no one saw the tear i let roll down my cheeks

listen to the sound of me
screaming, aching, begging
for something, anything
pleading to simply be
listen to the sound of my feet
pacing, back and forth
questioning everything
refusing to understand
listen to the sound of my heart
trying desperately to keep me alive
despite my many attempts on ending it all
listen to the sound of society
telling me i'm wrong, broken
that my choice to love is sinful
that i'm forgoing a place in 'heaven'
listen to the sound of me
telling the world i don't care
that "if i'm losing a piece of me
maybe i don't want heaven"
maybe all i want is to be

i see my life hung out to dry
my memories slowly falling to the ground
my mind losing all colour
leaving behind a shell of the person i once was
slowly i shrink

My mother taught me
To play with the kids
Who didn't have friends
On the playground

My father taught me
To love everyone
More than you love
Yourself

My society taught me
That there are lots of
Different people and
Views to see from

My mother taught me
To build walls
And live in a cage
I built for myself

My father taught me
That a perfect person
Is the worst
Kind

My society taught me
To get a boyfreind
So that I could look
Happier than everyone else

And life taught me
That trust is for the weak
Hope is for the desperate
Love is for the lucky