most important thing to learn in life
is letting go of what you love most

Do you like lying
It seems to be all you do
Can't ever speak truths

It begins innocently, just a twitching
Behind the tip of my nose
I absently rub it away
Still present in our conversation.

The sensation grows into a relentless itching
Unleashed upon the roof of my mouth.
I chastise the insolent itch with my tongue
And return to our earlier discussion.

A sudden complete blank, I can only anticipate in futility
Waiting at the edge of my breath, i wonder
'Is this it?', as I wait for it to take over
But it subsides just as quick, leaving me gasping for air.

Tears come to my eyes, I feel it return again
And the unholy violence held in that second
Makes me heave and convulse momentarily
As my body betrays me to a more primal instinct.

Its over, I look up to see
A grimace and my sneeze plastered across your face
"Excuse me", I mumble shamefully
"Bless you", you mutter behind your tissue.

They see the face,
the cheeks,
the black wings above my eyes,
the smudged red lipstick
and graphite on my chin.

They see who I am
on stage,
every monologue performed,
every perfected scene,
every bow when the curtain closes.

But the curtain never closes in my ever cluttered mind.

This is who I am on the outside.

They don't know
how my mind warps
and contorts
into a black nothingness.
How my obsessive thoughts
consume me entirely.
I am my struggle,
I am every tear shed,
every fake smile, every coy response,
steadily winning,
slowly losing.

Hell, I don't even know who I am.

i slipped out
into the waves of watercolour
that broke themselves upon the shore
of the horizon
and i disappeared
as they darkened into black

i escaped through the sunset
as words were climbing up my legs
setting fire to my ears
and forcing me to retreat away
from the choking letters and sinking ink
that tattooed all this sound into my skin

at first, the sunset saved me
and the waves that gently hit the dock felt like a heartbeat
telling me that this was how it would always be

but soon, i began to miss the panic
just for the simple fact that it was a feeling
and the sunset had stolen them all from me
leaving me bare, black and stretched high above
unable to land on the ground again
unable to even blink stars down onto the grass
unable to do anything
other than wait for the sun to rise again

but solstice has already passed
and the dark hours grow longer again
and i am pulled thin, veiling a world
that accepts me as the night
and doesn't even miss the stars

It's not you,

it's me.

No, really it's my daddy,

whom I'll never see.

But seek anyways.

Long and painful, are my days.

Thanks for putting up,

with my little girl ways.

I must go now,

find love's destiny

in hopes I'll reach he

the ***** donor,

who wasn't man enough

to stick around for me.