I smash my skull against the wall
when I hear you call
that name as if it is mine
because every day it hurts a little bit worse
and the realization sinks in that I will never be who I feel I am.

Sometimes I want to take her up in my arms
and feel like a man,
because I'm a lot bigger than her
and my hands dwarf hers,
but we both know I can't.

My heart rises up to my throat
when I think of her
and it swells from the love I hold so dear
and it breaks when I remember that I can't be close to her.

I'm not close enough to stroke her knotted hair,
and I'm not close enough to make sure nobody hurts her.
She can protect herself sometimes, and I know she isn't hurt as Much as I am angry when she is insulted.

Their jokes about me loving her hardly seem like jokes now,
and I might just be a bit high on pain or hunger or maybe it's just the lonely hurt,
but I want to hold her
and love her,
but I have to know that it isn't possible.
A love between us is impossible,
however much I wish I could be a man to her, for her, just to simply be
for her.

It's like pain in the chest,
and that too.
I feel like I'm dying,
and there's nothing I can do,
I'm not in control,
I never will be,
I'm standing here,
wishing I was "he",
I don't own my body,
it owns me,
"It's a mental illness"
There's nothing you can see,
other than the marks,
etched into my skin,
By the rough end of a drawing pin,
I know I shouldn't
I know it's bad.
I but i have voices
They're driving me mad.
"Help me sir I'm going insane"
But you won't though,
even though I'm in pain.

I look at my chest the way I'd look at a wound
I know it's a part of me,
I know it's there,
But it feels temporary,
And a little gross,
Like when I sliced my thumb
On glass at 1am.
My binder is a bandage
And it's hard to take it off,
Because I feel the wound open up,
And my back hurts from wearing the bandage,
But it's so much better than
Seeing where my skin splits in two

A patchy sky leaves the moonlight with arrythmia
Leaving me to match it's rhythm
As I play "red light green light"
With the eyes and teeth that twinkle
In the shadows like stars
Painted on the void
Just beyond what I can see

This year she lost everything.
No, not materialistic things
What made her who she was.
Her laughter use to be infectious
Her love was wound tightly
Her caring for others was strong.
Yet, that's all gone.
She now is filled with rage and anger.
She is consumed by this dark cloud.
She doesn't laugh like she used to.
Her love is distant cause she doesn't want to cause harm.
She cared to much sometimes, that's what ruined her.

She lost many things this year.

Losing a bestfriend of 15 years.
A companion that loved her through everything.

Figuring out who people truly are and what you mean to them.
Everyone eventually forgets and gets caught up in there own lives.

Yet, she lost the light at the end of the tunnel.
Her light vanished as she is wondering aimlessly through the tunnel to find her hope.

She's been searching for herself for years, Every year her hope dwindles.

One day she hopes to find herself again.
She misses the way she always made others laugh.
She misses loving people because they deserve it.
She misses helping others through there dark times, because she knows they weren't alone in there darkest hours.
Like she was in hers.

There is hope.

I watched this year slip away
I lost my will to live.
I watched my bestfriend die slowly in front of me for months.
I couldn't do anything.
I watched myself push away everything I once loved.
I lost my goals and dreams this year.
Lost motivation.
This year I lost myself.
I wonder where I'm at.
All I know is I hope i find my way back.

2018 destroyed who I was and who I am.
Now I'm just another useless body.