The guy you love today,
May not be the same person the day after.

Are you ready,
To accept the new him at each phase of his life?

Do you demand that he stay,
Consistently the same day in day out throughout the years?

Seasons come and seasons go,
Flowers bloom and flowers wither,
Skies blue and skies grey,
Yet you can learn to appreciate them all.

Do you love him enough,
To accept him at all the different phases that he is going through?
Do you love him enough,
To let him grow and change just as you grow and change too?

May you learn to love the guy you love,

Tonight, I spoke into the darkness,
No stars to light my way,
       The black void all encompassing

   My words drifting up in ribbons,
          I waited for something, anything to happen

              I felt a rumble that was akin to ripples emanating from a drop of water hitting a puddle

        I was small next to the impossible,
And when it spoke back, it changed me
      
        The blank canvas of stark black was pierced by blades of light,
    The sky becoming a shutter in a rain storm
           Blowing open and closed
       The words came and wrapped themselves across my body in its entirety
        Constricting my air flow

             I felt myself shatter
  An implosion of feeble glass
       Ricocheting through a skeleton of paper, reflecting the brightness above inside ripped skin

                I was nothing.
                I didn't exist.
                I floated in an incomprehensible place that had no end, no walls

     No ceiling or floor

            Just illumination in every direction

                    I opened my eyes
  
    And was blinded by an incredible radiance

      I shut my eyes tight and swatted in front of me
        My hand struck something metal and I yelped in pain
          
          I shot up and stared downward
    Towards the desklamp unplugged on the floor
        
          Breathing heavily, I sat upright in my bed,
                 *Struggling to pull away words that had already sunken in

You sweeten my life with your sugary smile
I can’t start to describe how that tastes
But I can feel rivers oozing out of you.

Into my bloodstream you go
Swimming and destroying my heart
I won’t let you go until it’s time
To say goodbye after you rot me.

You won’t catch me just yet
Not with that look in your eyes
And not with iron thighs on my chest.

But down you’ve gone into my bloodstream
Swimming and destroying my heart
Going downriver until it’s time
To rot me, then let me rest.

If I had a body you could possess
I’m sure you’d see to it that I’m depressed
With all of my happiness wasted away on you.

7th June 2016

I can’t move on when you’re stuck with me
I can’t feel brave if you’re my everything
I’ve given you what I’ve got and you’ve given it back
So please don’t make this painful for me

But I have to say goodbye, I have to let you go
And baby I’m sorry you brought me so many tears.
I hate to have to tell you that I’m better off in the end
And I hate pushing you away.

Some days the pain is too much
Sometimes I can’t even speak
Seeing people like you just feels shoved in my face.
How could I even think this would be easy?
It’s not easy being a broken part of you.

I hate the tears your name trigger in these eyes
I hate hearing people ask me what’s wrong
I hate the lump in my throat like a dead animal
Even though that’s how I feel.

I honestly feel dead or better off dying.

My Father said,
“Sometimes, Conor, you talk too much
And talk too little.”

I’ll let you figure that out on your own
So here I go:

I started off as shy
Didn’t like to meet people’s eyes
I was floating in the skies
So when I dropped I was surprised

I began to talk more,
Sometimes I just don’t shut up
There’s so much I have to say
But of time there’s not enough

My Primary years were years of torture
Those twisted words a killer
“Stupid. *****. ******. Loser”
I shut my eyes and mouth, head down, just kept cruising
Hoping. Praying
That someone would maybe save me

But I was unlucky
No-one came to rescue me
So pretty soon I hated the world that surrounded me
A father gone, overseas, fighting a war.
Because when it comes to family, some things are worth dying for.

Well pretty soon after, I wanted to die
When I found out that I wasn’t quite alright
My difference wasn’t me just being a shy guy
That untroubled dragon, unburdened, flying in the sky

Because I was diagnosed with Asperger’s at the age of eight
Chance hated me, it seemed, and so too did fate
Adding fuel to the fire, an internal pyre
That consumed me, hungrily, leaving me broken and tired

So my innocence was ignorance
You can tell by the evidence
I wanted an exit
Another way I could end this

Years down the track, and who am I now?
Am I that joker you thought I was, head up and proud?
The friend to the friendless, my speech is just endless
But at the end of the day I’m only pretending

Because I’m not okay, I’m a broken part
To a greater whole of some use, just needing a kick-start
My friends and family, you see, they disagree with me
Saying worn is not broken, and either way it isn’t easy

It hasn’t been easy, torn by the truth
And mocked for my teeth, hit at times, left bruised
Sticks and stones may break my bones and all that other ****
By words hit hard too and at times it’s hard to deal with it

Now I don’t seek attention, just tried to let them know
That I was struggling and there were some things I couldn’t let go
From the first time I was called “Bucky” to the handle of a blade
I wanted to tear apart all the **** they had made

So I started hacking away at myself
Trying to find a better someone else
The answer lies not in blood spilled, or the steel used to slash through
But in your mind hides a better you, a person with a better view

It just takes time to uncover
The century’s best discover
An artefact, buried, hidden, within your soul
Just clear your problems
Try and solve them
And you’ll be whole

“Sometimes, Conor,
You talk too much
And talk too little”

Do you understand?