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;
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
;
why should i continue my
sentence
if you are the one who keeps
erasing the good parts?
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
16... what an age
still sweet and innocent
but with the deadly secret
voices in your head
dark circles under your eyes
blood stained wrists

17 wont be much better
depression taking its toll
pain medication becoming
your best friend
hiding behind a smile

remember all those times
when you didnt care
what you looked like
or what you wore?
when you genuinely smiled
and laughed

those were the good times...

16.. and everyone knows you
the happy bubbly girl
with an amazing smile
and big brown eyes

17.. with the reputation
of local girl
who takes own life
no one knew she was depressed
until it was too late

unable to make it to
her 18th birthday.

a smile hides 1000 feelings
until its too late
until she is gone
and becomes news
on everyone's lips
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
Define Beautiful?
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
with you i can be me
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
You're my addiction
and unfortunately
theres no cure.
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
one more drink
will make me pretty right?
one more pill
will make me fun right?
one more naked photo
will make you want me right?

what do i need to
make you happy?
do i need to act differently?
i can do that,

i can trust me
ill do anything for you
here ill strip for you
ill dance for you
ill do anything

you like me better without my
clothes right?
here ill take them off.
you like be better when
i give in right?
here do whatever you want.

im yours to take advantage of.
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
My body was never
yours to take Advantage of
but you always seemed
to make it feel so
natural.
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
Dont let my heart
run away...
it will run into
danger...
AGAIN
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
there was something different
about him today

when he hugged me..
he whispered something in my ear

"you smell different when
your awake"

but it was all a dream, but he
was in my bed
i was clutching his
lifeless body.
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
all it takes
is one tragic story
about ones life,
to make everyone
weak at the knees
wet eyes
and sweaty palms

well welcome to
my pathetic excuse
i call my life
so heres my story.
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
"im here for you"
    "you're not alone"
         "you will always have me"

  ******* *******
When its 2:34am
    and self hate crawls up my throat
tearing its way out
and rips its way out my mouth
         in a deadly silent scream
i am alone.

when the blade starts tearing at
my skin
the cuts keep getting
deeper
          and there is no one
i am alone.

but the only real thing around me
    is the feeling
of the blood running down
my arms
  'i am alone'
you say you are there,   but your not.



        i am Alone.
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
Amuse me with what you
have to say,
pull me in with your lies,
tell me how beautiful
i am and how
much you love me,
tell me all the poison you
tell yourself,
you have mastered that script
you are no longer who
you say you are.
so please ..
i beg you!
Amuse me.
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
Im sorry.
i couldnt keep another promise.
i can never seem to keep this one.

"i promise i wont cut"
"i promise i wont inflict pain on myself"

But i did it again
this time it was bad.
it was deep and didnt stop
bleeding
the blood kept pouring out
and i felt dizzy
the warm water running over
my back and the
blood getting caught
in the water making a pattern run down
my arm.

Im Sorry "i promise i wont do
it again"
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
our lives could end
at anytime.
so feel free to
kiss me
Maddii Lloyd Apr 2016
someone let me lay in their baggy tshirts
fall asleep on their chest
kiss my forehead
play with my hair.

please
apply here __
Maddii Lloyd Apr 2016
Yeah I killed her, but it was an “accident”
I hid her body in a shallow grave,
West of my joint at an old wood mill.
Among the dirt and all the other **** that was there, I didn’t mean to **** her,
That was an accident, we were fighting,
I grabbed her hair and she fell, Hitting her head on the coffee table,
I couldn’t keep her body in my apartment, she will start to smell,
People will get suspicious, what am I meant to say?
Yeh man I killed her she’s casually decaying in my apartment,
I skip town, for a week which turns in to a month then a year,
Until one day I hear a suspicious news report,
They found her. Her body. In the shallow grave.
Finally!... Now I guess the game begins.
Let’s play until it’s over...
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
Ask me why im still here?
why i even bother?
why i try?

ask me questions you know
will break me,
tear me apart
hurt me.

ask me all those questions!
who am i?
where did i come from?
do i deserve to be here?

ask me go ahead..
why did i attempt suicide?
why do i have cuts riddling my body?
why did i **** myself?

well guess what.... they are all questions
i dont have the answers for!
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
baby,
im the definition
of insanity.
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
Baby dont you see,
you are slowly killing me.
holding me down,
and taking my innocence away.
kicking and scratching,
biting and bruising.
putting me in all sorts of pain.

but  i didnt stop you,
i didnt push you away.
i didnt say no,
i kept up the charade.

so here i am lying here,
semi conscious and fully exposed.
with the marks you left on my skin
they are the reasons i stayed
the truth is i was scared to leave.
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
why?
why did i let you.
you treated me like a baindaid
you needed me
when you were hurting
but as soon as
you were better you ripped
me off and threw
me out.
Maddii Lloyd Apr 2016
One word,
The one word that could ruin your life,
Your confidence,
One word you wish you were ....

Beautiful !

One word I'll never believe,
Never recieve,
To ruin my confidence,
My life ...

Beautiful !

Every thing you are,
You don't try,
Or tell everyone
We all know ...

Beautiful !

I just wish I had that category,
I like the sound of the word,
It's forever replaying in my mind,

Beautiful !

Her,
Him,
You,
But never me ...

I just wish I was beautiful
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
the ones that are "always there
for you"
the ones that would "die
without you"

well where the **** are
they when you kick the
chair beneath
your feet?
Maddii Lloyd Apr 2016
for my birthday this year..
when I blow out my candles..
im going to wish to be dead..
and they will all clap..
without knowing..
Maddii Lloyd Apr 2016
Blood dripping from my nose, looking at myself in the mirror looking at what you had done to me ... All from one little statement ! You are breaking me not only physically
But mentally an emotionally, I can't take it much longer ! I need to take away the pain of it all ! Why don't you drag the blade across my
Wrist too .... You started the pain you may aswell end it, cause you seem
To get a rush from it all
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
As blood dripped from my nose
i stood back and looked
looked at you, the hate
in your eyes and at what
you had done.

you wiped the blood from
your hands and yelled at me once
again by now im so numb
from the pain all your words
are just a blur

i walked away to wash my
face the blood thick and
stained my face
i cant tell anyone about this
im afraid you will get in
trouble i cant do that i love
you too much

but you hurt me.
but im not sure why
but i always keep coming
back for more
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
Your body is mine,
dead or alive.
Maddii Lloyd Apr 2016
you come from a broken home?
yeah me too ..
you dad left your mum?
same here ..
your mum abused drugs for years?
hey me too ..
you feel so empty and alone,
like no one cares?
you cut yourself and scream and bang
your fists against walls for attention?
snap, I know the feels ..

sitting on my bedroom floor,
with blade in hand,
blood on wrist,
talking to myself.
so you come from a broken home too?
Maddii Lloyd Apr 2016
the marks you left on me..
bruises!
it was all due to some fun and games
but bruises!
you left them everywhere...
neck, belly, amrs, legs
you get the picture,
maybe they werent just bruises
maybe they were something more
hickeys?
you left me with hickeys
scratches, bite marks and
bruises .....
Maddii Lloyd Apr 2016
Beating me until I was black and blue,
Struggling for air,
And drifting in and out of consciousness.

My killer picking up the phone calling
000, and telling the operator to come
“Collect the body, I’ve killed her.”
Before hanging up and leaving me.

Leaving me for dead, as I take my last breath.
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
call me?
when...
when my blood turns
into alcohol

baby your drunk
and darling your beautiful.
Maddii Lloyd Apr 2016
as i released my grip noticing he isn't moving, struggling, breathing anymore!
i step back to see what ive done ... shes gone forever, she just a memory that id soon enough forget
will anyone even notice shes gone? probably not! shes been trying to take her own life for years
and ive done it for her in a few seconds
cause i cant keep my hands to myself
taking a life is probably the most exhilarating thing imaginably possible
and ill let you know something i dont regret it, she wasn't my first and defiantly wont be my last!
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
can we be the couple
the couple that goes on
long walks across the beach
in the moonlight
the couple who shows
affection wherever they
may be
the couple who is cute
runs up to each other when
they haven't seen each other
for like 2 hours
the couple who loves
each other endlessly
the couple who are always
there for any reason
the couple who wakes up
in the middle of the night
and has long deep talks
the couple who lays in bed
and watches movies
and eats tons of junk food
but most importantly
be the couple who
believe in each others dreams
and strive to make them
true!
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
I thought i was the only on?
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
Dear Diary..
      
     i cant take it much longer
its getting harder to hide what ive done
       all thats left is to hide the body.
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
Torn between letting it in
or blocking it out again.
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
i chocked when
i found the test...

it was laying on your
bed, next to your
now lifeless body...

you didnt just end your
life, you ended
our unborn childs...

im sorry baby i
really am, i couldnt
help you sooner...

but i promise you,
ill see you soon
i love you...
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
friendship
relationship
or death wish
you choose!
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
she was like an
cigarette
she always left a bad
taste in
my mouth.
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
do me a favour?
come with me
to wherever the wind takes us
get drunk with me
skinny dip in
the middle of the night
lets forget all our
problems
and make new identities
just run
run as far as our legs
will take us
and fall asleep
with me under
the stars.
Maddii Lloyd Apr 2016
sweat dripping off your body
as does mine.

biting you lip as you throw your head back..

neck kisses as my hand traces your body,
making you cringe

your lips against mine
one hand in your hand, the other
exploring your body!

skin in my teeth
body on mine

to for fill the craving, the addiction
you are my cure, my fix..
and im left forever wanting more!
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
i crave real love
not the one night stand
or call me when you want something
but real love
when you mean it
hold me tight
look me in the eyes and
say "i love you"
tell me that you need me
and cant live without
me
that im your one and
only thats
what i crave the most.
Maddii Lloyd Sep 2016
Dear God, i know
ive never asked for help before..
but this time
this time i need it!

im Scared
and Worried
i dont think i can
hold on much longer.

Dear God!
im sorry.
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
Dear
mum and dad

im sorry that you two arent together
anymore and i partially feel
its my fault, like everything else
seems to be.

im sorry im not the
perfect daughter you wished you
had raised,
im sorry i have problems
and run a muck.

constantly making mistakes,
but trust me soon
enough ill
be 6ft under and
then you wont have to
worry about me anymore.

i love you.
maybe then you will realize
not everyones perfect
but you got 2 out of 3
right.


i love you, see you soon <3
Maddii x
Maddii Lloyd Oct 2016
Dear mum
im sorry im not the perfect daughter
and that i have so many flaws
and insecurities
im sorry im such a *****
and am always moody
im sorry that im nothing like
my big sister and i never will be
im sorry i dont live up to
what you wanted me to be
the young beautiful
little happy girl
you once knew.

Dear Dad
im sorry that you gto stuck with me
you know when you
and mum broke up
im sorry you had to raise a teenage
daughter on your own
putting up with my
mood swings and my
horrid attitude
all my crying and depression
im sorry for all the arguing
and fighting

in conclusion im sorry for not being the perfect
daughter one that you can
smile about and point out to your friends and
say thats my baby girl
im sorry im just a failure in so many ways
im sorry ill be out of your
hair soon enough

Maddii xo
Maddii Lloyd Sep 2016
Dear Faith,
i just wanted to say i love you
and i hope you get better.

i have so many questions i want to ask you
like why?
why didn't you tell me?
let me know you were feeling like this?
i wish i could of helped you, and it didn't have
to end up like this.

i love you more then anything
you mean the world to me, you are my best friend
my rock, my saviour.
but im sorry you were feeling the way you were,
but please things will get better i promise you!
im always here for you and that
will never change i promise you! and thats one promise i defiantly
know i wont break

for all those times you said you were a bad mum,
you arent
for all the times you said you were ugly
baby you are beautiful

i need to finish this but im crying
i just want you to know how much you mean to me
and how much it would destroy me if you
were to leave...

and how about Caden? your beautiful
baby boy! how would he feel not growing up without his mum?
knowing how beautiful she is
how amazing and kind she is...
Because no one can compare to you
Aunty Maddii cant live up to those expectations

so Faith, my darling i love you so much,
we can get through this together!
i promise i will save up all the money in the world
to come and see you one day, and it will just be the three
of us
You, Caden and Aunty Maddii


I love you Faith x
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
Death beckoned her
she gave in.
she cried for help
you walked away.

she was in pain
you didnt care.
Death wanted her
she knew her fate.

Death took her away
you decided you cared.
Maddii Lloyd Apr 2016
what am I meant to do?
you sit there and scream at me
yell, hit, bite, scratch me
just cause im not the person
you want me to be?

so I cut and dyed my hair
starved myself
cut my wrists and thighs
to make myself prefect!

but that didn't help.
now you ignore me
haunt, tease, bully me
cause im not your perfect girl

truth is I never will be
I don't want to be
but the fact is
I love you
i always have and always will

i just want to be your definition
of perfect, even for one day!
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
People say, "diamonds are
a girls best friend"
but in my case
"death is my best friend"
Maddii Lloyd May 2016
did you miss me all those days?
the ones where I didn't message you
call you, talk to you?

did you miss me when I went away?
just left not saying goodbye
for weeks, or even months on end?

NO!

so I don't get it.
I don't get you, why do you miss me now?
now im lying on my death bed.
from taking my own life
you never once said you missed me

but theres the thing, and I want an ******* answer.
did you?
Maddii Lloyd Oct 2016
did you miss me all those days?
the ones where I didn't message you
call you, talk to you?

did you miss me when I went away?
just left not saying goodbye
for weeks, or even months on end?

NO!

so I don't get it.
I don't get you, why do you miss me now?
now im lying on my death bed.
from taking my own life
you never once said you missed me

but theres the thing, and I want an ******* answer.
did you?
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