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Jun 2017 · 225
Its been A WhiLE
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2017
Its been a while since ive picked up a pen and paper
but been even longer since i picked up a blade

ive come to live with my insecurities
my imperfections
my mistakes

i dont need makeup to be beautiful
i dont need to starve myself to be happy
i dont need to loose weight to be skinny

im me for a reason
i have scars for a reason
i have differences for a reason

it may have taken me a while to figure this out
but everything takes time...
Dec 2016 · 286
Unexpected love..
Maddii Lloyd Dec 2016
i found the devil
i found him in a lover
Maddii Lloyd Nov 2016
why do we constantly question ourselves, think we arent good enough? think we need to change into someone we arent. why do we always want to change ourselves, but fear change?
why does the pain of rejection hurt so much, why do we always fall for someone that we know will  never love us back but still try for their love.
why is change what we want, why do we change, why do we feel the need to. what is it like to be yourself? the true you, to be happy again.
what would it be like not to worry for once, to be stress free for once.
Nov 2016 · 210
What is Love?
Maddii Lloyd Nov 2016
what is love. the true feeling, meaning of love? why do we feel it? when do we really know that we are in love.
why does it hurt, why does it end,when does it start. why does it happen?
how do we know? does it only ever happen once, how do we know who is the one?
define love, define the feeling, define the struggle. who feels it?
does everyone fall in love? do we all get our heart broken, when do we know to end it.
why do we only fall for certain people. what if they dont make us happy, why do we pursue a relationship with then, why do we only want them, need the, think about them.
why do we only think we need them to make us happy. why?
Nov 2016 · 183
Life.
Maddii Lloyd Nov 2016
Life. what what does it mean. when does it really start and when does it end?
what do we get out of it, why does it go on? why dont all of us end it short, when does the pain of it start?
why do some have it better then others, why cant we all be happy? why doesnt the struggle stop.
when will it get better? who decides what happens, why do they decide what happens. why dont we ever get a warning when things are going to happen? we never are prepaired for whats next, but thats life its one big adventure
Nov 2016 · 628
Her
Maddii Lloyd Nov 2016
Her
her the one you loved
the one you once loved
the one you never loved

her the one you used
the one you abused
the one you lied to

her the one you hit
the one you laughed at
the one you left

you remember her?

yes you do,
well im sorry to say she is no longer
with us anymore.
why?
do you really care..
you do now dont you?

all the times you treated her bad.
hit her
lied to her
told her you loved her
all the times you lead her on

were they for fun or what?
they were fun at the time.
now she is really gone

and you feel bad!
because deep deep down
you really did love her
you did want to be with her
you didnt want to hurt her
but you did.

now shes gone.
taken her life
and you are the reason.
i hope you are happy
and   can live with the  feeling of treating
someone that bad
they had to take their own life.
Oct 2016 · 266
Did you?
Maddii Lloyd Oct 2016
did you miss me all those days?
the ones where I didn't message you
call you, talk to you?

did you miss me when I went away?
just left not saying goodbye
for weeks, or even months on end?

NO!

so I don't get it.
I don't get you, why do you miss me now?
now im lying on my death bed.
from taking my own life
you never once said you missed me

but theres the thing, and I want an ******* answer.
did you?
Oct 2016 · 1.2k
Dear Mum & Dad
Maddii Lloyd Oct 2016
Dear mum
im sorry im not the perfect daughter
and that i have so many flaws
and insecurities
im sorry im such a *****
and am always moody
im sorry that im nothing like
my big sister and i never will be
im sorry i dont live up to
what you wanted me to be
the young beautiful
little happy girl
you once knew.

Dear Dad
im sorry that you gto stuck with me
you know when you
and mum broke up
im sorry you had to raise a teenage
daughter on your own
putting up with my
mood swings and my
horrid attitude
all my crying and depression
im sorry for all the arguing
and fighting

in conclusion im sorry for not being the perfect
daughter one that you can
smile about and point out to your friends and
say thats my baby girl
im sorry im just a failure in so many ways
im sorry ill be out of your
hair soon enough

Maddii xo
Oct 2016 · 260
Update.
Maddii Lloyd Oct 2016
i know its been a while
since ive been here
crying
sooking
pouring my heart out
to a bunch or strangers

i know most of us will never
meet
and some days that
tears me apart

but just a casual update
i am fine
and by fine i mean
fine like i dont know
anymore

but im still here
and wont be going anywhere
anytime soon

thats a promise!
Sep 2016 · 303
The Saying
Maddii Lloyd Sep 2016
you know the saying,
you have to crawl before you can walk?
is that the same with
you have to cry before you can scream?
Maddii Lloyd Sep 2016
Dear Faith,
i just wanted to say i love you
and i hope you get better.

i have so many questions i want to ask you
like why?
why didn't you tell me?
let me know you were feeling like this?
i wish i could of helped you, and it didn't have
to end up like this.

i love you more then anything
you mean the world to me, you are my best friend
my rock, my saviour.
but im sorry you were feeling the way you were,
but please things will get better i promise you!
im always here for you and that
will never change i promise you! and thats one promise i defiantly
know i wont break

for all those times you said you were a bad mum,
you arent
for all the times you said you were ****
baby you are beautiful

i need to finish this but im crying
i just want you to know how much you mean to me
and how much it would destroy me if you
were to leave...

and how about Caden? your beautiful
baby boy! how would he feel not growing up without his mum?
knowing how beautiful she is
how amazing and kind she is...
Because no one can compare to you
Aunty Maddii cant live up to those expectations

so Faith, my darling i love you so much,
we can get through this together!
i promise i will save up all the money in the world
to come and see you one day, and it will just be the three
of us
You, Caden and Aunty Maddii


I love you Faith x
Sep 2016 · 345
I... I... I...
Maddii Lloyd Sep 2016
i just want to stop
stop feeling sad
stop feeling angry
stop feeling.

i just want to be happy
be pretty
be loved
be noticed.

i just want to be happy
but i dont want to be here
i just want to be noticed
but im slowly fading away
Sep 2016 · 679
Take Care
Maddii Lloyd Sep 2016
You
you left
you left me
without a reason
without a sound
without a word
you just got up
and walked out
out of my life
out of my house
you left
now im sitting here
asking myself
over and over
why?
why me?
what did i do?
why?
what went wrong?
can i fix it?
can i help you?
can we get back together?
but i know the answer
without asking
no
no
no
no
that word replaying in
my head over and over
no
but i still dont know why
you left me
but i want you to know
ill always
and i mean always
love you
take care.
Sep 2016 · 271
Ill let you
Maddii Lloyd Sep 2016
How can you say those things to me
how can you think of me like that
how can you feel like that about me

when you dont know me
dont know my secrets and flaws
my deepest and darkest hate
not only on my self but the
way i keep living

how can you be in love with someone
like me
who cuts
starves
binges
who is
****
hated
worthless

but i guess if i cant love myself
i may aswell let you love me
Sep 2016 · 589
Dear God..
Maddii Lloyd Sep 2016
Dear God, i know
ive never asked for help before..
but this time
this time i need it!

im Scared
and Worried
i dont think i can
hold on much longer.

Dear God!
im sorry.
Sep 2016 · 280
Do dreams come true?
Maddii Lloyd Sep 2016
i had a dream last night,
i had a dream on how easy it would be if
i grabbed a blade and just
dragged it across my wrist
pushed the blade deep into my
wrist and dragged it down vertically
not horizontally this time
and watch
watch as the blood starts to flow
flow freely
down my arm until
it drips onto the floor
leaving a crimson red pool
on my bedroom
floor
starting to feel faint
drifting in and out of consciousness
finally i realize what ive done
and the relief for fills my
body, i finally take my
last breath and leave.
Sep 2016 · 285
Please believe me
Maddii Lloyd Sep 2016
will you believe me when i say im not pretty?
I say im not pretty because i mean it
im not saying it because im looking
for attention im looking for anything but that
im saying it because thats how i truly feel
i dont belive that i am pretty because
i can see everything that you dont
i know how my stomach looks when im standing
in the mirror in my bra
i see my face the one not hidden under all the
makeup, i see every little flaw there is
on my body, i see every flaw hidden in myself
even if you cant see thrm yourself.
therefore i say im not pretty because
id be lying if i said i was
Sep 2016 · 204
Something to tell you
Maddii Lloyd Sep 2016
you want to know something?
the difference between you and *****?
***** burns my throat
but your name hurts my head
so i rather have a blackout and a
hangover
then staring at the walls
touching my lips and trying to
forget what it was like to
kiss you.
Sep 2016 · 279
Please Read!
Maddii Lloyd Sep 2016
I hate my body.
i hate my life.
i hate myself.
Ive got blades, now what?
What do you mean now what?
what are you going to do?
mutilate yourself.. again?
why?
why do you keep doing this to yourself?
Now listen ok?
and keep reading
thats all i ask
you, you as an individual
you are beautiful, handsome
yes you may not see it
but many other people do trust me
i know i may not know you
not personally
but i may know you well enough to know
how much of an amazing
caring person you are
you have your little quirks
your little jokes that not many
other people will understand
you have your close group of
friends who will do anything
to see you smile
you have your family members
that im sure adore you
you have made it this far
in the journey we call
life, yes it may be hard at
times but thats the point you dont
become who you are without a
few ups and downs along the way
like i said at the start
i may not personally know
you, i may not have even spoken to you
but trust me
you are beautiful, handsome
loved by many including me.
so please i beg you
please just put the blade down
better yet throw the blade
away. i dont want you to be going
through unnecessary pain
I LOVE YOU
just remember that. thank you
for reading this all the way though
i just hope it will help someone
Please repost to get the message out there
im only a message or an email away.
Aug 2016 · 404
That day
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
when will the day come.
the one where you dont
go home
and look in the mirror and cry
when you dont
think your fat
****
worthless
hated by all
and tell yourself you
want to die?
when will that day come because
ive waited for too long
and it seems like its
a dream thats never
going to come true.
Aug 2016 · 363
2word
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
Define Beautiful?
Aug 2016 · 668
For my little sister
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
The thought
the thought of you dragging
a blade across your
wrist
it kills me.
The thought
the thought of you
taking your last breath
tears me apart.

you are too young and
beautiful to leave this world
you are too loved
to even think to leave

you remind me of the song
by lana del ray
the one that goes..
"will you still love me when
im no longer young and beautiful?"
yes yes i will

you tell me i am your big sister and
you look up to me
and not to cry because i am
too beauttiful,
now its my turn.

you are beautiful
you are loved. so please
wipe the tear off you
cheek, put the blade
down and come here
i love you
just remember the promises
we made eachother
that one day
we will be able to hold eachother
in our arms and
i can tell you how much
i love you.

because words dont
describe it enough, words cant
express the feelings
going through my body
i love you. x
Aug 2016 · 519
Another broken promise...
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
Im sorry.
i couldnt keep another promise.
i can never seem to keep this one.

"i promise i wont cut"
"i promise i wont inflict pain on myself"

But i did it again
this time it was bad.
it was deep and didnt stop
bleeding
the blood kept pouring out
and i felt dizzy
the warm water running over
my back and the
blood getting caught
in the water making a pattern run down
my arm.

Im Sorry "i promise i wont do
it again"
Aug 2016 · 159
Love me
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
if you love me prove it.
dont ask me how,
ill leave that up to you.
dance
sing
write
i dont know.

oh right i forgot im not her
you dont love me
you never have
you never will
and i guess ill have to be ok
with that.
so dont bother
singing
or dancing
or writing

i wont hold my breath because
i know the day
the day ive dreamed of for
so so long will
never come.
Aug 2016 · 623
Societys Fu**ed
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
isn't it ******?
that Society has a specific image
for women?
the way they look
act
speak
walk
talk.

if we arent blonde hair
blue eyes with a small waist
***** and a ***
we arent socially acceptable.
if we have a little weight
to many piercings and tattoos
regrowth and scars
we are shun upon.

most girls these days have the small
figure and wear barley any
clothes,
their hip bones their collar bones
showing without any struggle
and they think they
look beautiful
they think they will fit in
because thats what society wants

there are girls starving themselves
wearing makeup
to hide the imperfections
society deemed ****
wearing long sleeves in
summer hiding the scars they
have inflicted on themselves
because they know,
they know they will never be
what society wanted
and it kills them every time they look
down at their wrists or
thighs
knowing they will never be accepted into
society

i just want to go back to
where size 12 was deemed
as beautiful
and scars were a sign
of battling ones self and recovery
where it didn't matter
if you had acne and wore makeup
everyone was beautiful in their own way
i just want to go back in time
where happiness was a feeling
that happened naturally
and wasn't plastered on

society is ******.
Aug 2016 · 431
You.
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
you.
you are two faced
you.
you are a *****
you.
you need to learn to keep quiet
you.
you are stubborn
you.
you are fat
you.
you are annoying
you.
you are ****
you.
you will never be enough

Me.
I know...
Aug 2016 · 180
U.G.L.Y
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
i thought you were ****.
then i met Society
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
we all have our demons.
dont we?
some of us let them win
others ignore them
pretend they arent there.

but im the one who lets my
demons show,
through my imperfections
the cracks
the scars and cuts
left on my body
it was because of them they
told me to do it,
they said it would make me feel
better and they were right.

but the ones who dont
show them?
how do they cope at night?
pen on paper
rope in hand
getting ready to take their
final breath
but the thing is they never do
they put up with them
and fight

my demons are starting
to  get quiet
i cant hear them as much as
i could before.
are they hiding from me or have they
left me?
but now im thinking again
i have pen on paper
rope in hand
ready to take my last breath

they didnt leave they
were hiding.
one game of hide and seek
that i didnt win.
Aug 2016 · 592
Reality has hit me. hard.
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
me too, but literally like all of a sudden out of nowhere all this emotion has hit me like
1- im not skinny enough for society
2- my curves arent curves
3- makeup doesn't do **** all to hide my imperfections
4- i cry every time i look at myself in the mirror
5- ill never be the definition of pretty
im over trying and failing each time reality has finally hit me im never going to be the person i desire to be
and its heart breaking. because i dont want to be who i am
i want to be someone else, i dont want the scars on my thighs and arms
i dont want the stretch makes on my hips and legs
i dont want to have anything else that defines me as me
but unfortunately i cant change that and im stuck with the body i ruined,  i created. theres no going back from here.

Sorry
Aug 2016 · 242
Explorers
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
As we lay together
*****, on the bed
my fingers tracing,
exploring every
inch of your body.

whilst im thinking to
myself who else has had
the privilege to explore
too?
Aug 2016 · 206
Dreams to Reality
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
Since you've been gone
its been hard
i cant sleep
eat
my dreams are
turning into nightmares
and my nightmares
are turning into
reality
Aug 2016 · 222
Me vs Her
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
worthless.
******.
nothing.
useless.
pathetic.
pointless.
fat.
de­pressed.
****.
Me.

pretty.
funny.
loved.
skinny.
worth it.
amazing.
useful.
nice.
beautiful.
Her.

now do you see why
see why i want to be like her?
want to be skinny, to be pretty
to even be loved?
to know what it feels like to have
skin against skin.
So please just let me
i dont want to be here anymore
Aug 2016 · 182
I tried.
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
i tried
i ******* tried
i poured my heart out
i ripped my skin apart...
just for some closure
and you didnt even bother
you saw i was hurting
and you saw i was crying
and i tried
i tried to stop it
i tried to be everything you
needed
everything you wanted
but i was never enough and
im scared ill never be
so i dont know if i should
if i should keep trying
or should i give up
like i have with everything else
Aug 2016 · 169
Do you really want to know
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
Do you want to know why
i slit my wrists?
riddle my thighs in cuts
why i really self harm?

No. Ok.
i didnt think you would
of cared anyway.

and dont think its because
im seeking attention
because i can do something that will
make me attention worthy

but darling your not
worth the pain just remember that
wont you.
Aug 2016 · 208
Seeking forgivness
Maddii Lloyd Aug 2016
Well what do you want me to say
you tell me all these
things and expect me to drop
******* everything to
come running to your doorstep...

no!

remember how you left
me?
why you left me..
it wasnt right you left me at the
time i needed you most

and i dont think ill ever
be able to forgive you.
Jul 2016 · 209
Fucking lies
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
Im nothing
im ****
im worthless
im ******
im horrid
im a burden

so why ?
why bother with me
why try with me
why tell me you love me?

cause i know everything you say is
a lie.
a ******* lie.
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
would anyone care?
if i didn't show up tomorrow,
message you telling
you i am ok.

would anyone care?
if i was huddled in the corner
makeup stained face,
blood covered wrists.

Do you even care enoug to
finish reading this?
if you do i cant promise it will
be too late...

would anyone even
attend my funeral?
would they feel sad and
grieve the loss of me?
would you be satisfied
with the last conversation
we had?

Tell me honestly...
would you?
Jul 2016 · 294
Im here.
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
Im sorry i scared you
im fine
im here
im alive
im breathing
im living

i know i may not want
to at times
but i cant leave
leave you
now anyway.

im sorry
but im here
safe and sound
im not going anywhere
anytime soon
Jul 2016 · 216
Thinking.
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
you are thinking
when we bring that blade
to our wrists
we are in hysterics
hyperventilating dont know
what to do?

but the truth is
when we feel our skin split
in two its
when we feel most calm
most alive
most free
Jul 2016 · 178
Little one
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
Just lay on the shower floor,
crying in a little wall whilst cold water runs over you...
because its the only thing you are good at.
plus no one cares get it through that thick skull of yours.
Just remember what we were talking about
the other night yes? no..
well let me remind you my little insomniac
you are worthless
****
useless
hated
and no one loves you or likes you
remember now? thats what i thought.
have fun.
Jul 2016 · 277
Yours Sincerely.
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
pull the covers over your head
turn the lights off
and cry,
but cover your mouth
so no one hears you
now think.
about how ****** you are
and worthless
****,
fat,
petty you are
doesn't that make you feel better?
no.
oh well get over it,
you know its just the truth though?
so why dont you
just accept who you are
because we arent going away.

yours sincerely
the voices in your head x
Jul 2016 · 697
They saw..
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
They saw..
the cuts upon my arms
they asked why?
i had so many things to say.
but i didn't
and i couldn't..
but i wish i did
because i think its too late
for my saviour now.
Jul 2016 · 180
Best Friends.
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
the ones that are "always there
for you"
the ones that would "die
without you"

well where the **** are
they when you kick the
chair beneath
your feet?
Jul 2016 · 180
Kiss x
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
It wasn't his kiss that
kept me for
more
it was the
taste of his skin...
Jul 2016 · 175
Cigarette
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
she was like an
cigarette
she always left a bad
taste in
my mouth.
Jul 2016 · 311
BLoOD
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
As blood dripped from my nose
i stood back and looked
looked at you, the hate
in your eyes and at what
you had done.

you wiped the blood from
your hands and yelled at me once
again by now im so numb
from the pain all your words
are just a blur

i walked away to wash my
face the blood thick and
stained my face
i cant tell anyone about this
im afraid you will get in
trouble i cant do that i love
you too much

but you hurt me.
but im not sure why
but i always keep coming
back for more
Jul 2016 · 495
This MAde my Day
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
Conor Blatchford
17 hours ago


Maddii... where you at? <3 if you want me to explain what there is to love about yourself, here I go:
1: You are a mother-******* poet. That's cool. Making words rhyme is hard for a lot of people. Expressing emotion in those words is even harder
2: Caring. You keep talking to me, that's casual caring. You ask me how I am, that's caring. You are willing to listen to me, metaphorically listen to me because this is typed, so... and that's true caring right there
3: Friendship. You are one of a select few that consistently makes me smile. Also, you listen to me ***** about my life
4: Loyalty. You're still here, right...? <3
5: Humour. Ties in with friendship. You not only make me smile, but also laugh. I laughed in class once. Especially just earlier, when I read what you did to that kids' nose. I imagined the pause between him laughing and having his nose broken, it was so comical I laughed out loud. Everyone thought I was insane.
6: Inspiration. Some of my poems wouldn't have even been written were it not for you
7: "Sneaky". Manipulating me into giving you ideas. Why? Because I love you (reference to earlier conversation) <3
8: You are one of the few reasons I take pleasure in waking up each day. I have people constantly saying **** about me, knowing I have a short fuse and taking advantage of it, but not you. Also, I look forward to talking to you. First thing I do when I open my laptop is send you a message

I would keep going, but this is long enough. Oh, and I feel guilty. I'm not sure I said happy birthday on your 17th. But Happy Late Birthday from me. Once again, I apologise, I felt/feel so bad

Love you Maddii. Stay safe. <3
Jul 2016 · 279
To my Hero.
Maddii Lloyd Jul 2016
i was feeling dull
not because my hair
wasn't perfect
and my make up was
smudged across
my face
its because i realize
you arent here
anymore
i have no one i
can tell jokes too
even if it
was the same one for
the past 9 years
you still laughed everytime
like it was the first
time you heard it
your in a happier
place and
i promise you ill
see you soon

you were my hero!
i love you pa x
Jun 2016 · 283
Today
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
Today
i caught myself
biting my lip.
and fluttering my
eyelashes
you smell still stained
on my jumper
as i held pulled
the sleeves up
to my nose
and all i though was
how you held me
and they times
you told me
i was yours
but thats now all
gone i guess
things change and i
have to move on
Jun 2016 · 252
Anytime
Maddii Lloyd Jun 2016
our lives could end
at anytime.
so feel free to
kiss me
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