Al wat jy my wys gemaak het is dat seer die selfde voel
Maak nie saak van watter oord dit spoel
Ek en pyn ken mekaar al jare
Jy het my niks nuuts laat ervaar
Daar is geen onderskeid binne my tussen jou seer en syne
Dit le nou als binne my, dis als nou myne
So wat bly oor van jou sogenoemde goeie intensies, wil ek weet
Binne n jaar of wat het jy als hier vergeet
Die bietjie wat ek gehad het, het ek met jou gedeel
Dit was nie wat jy wou he, my hart het jou verveel
Ek was net n goeie tyd wat jy op gedress het en liefde genoem
Terwl ek lee hande daar gestaan het en jou met my hele hart gesoen
Ek wens ek het harder probeer en jy het net geluister
Toe ek hard en saggies, en aanhoudend nee, nee, nee deur jou soene fluister

You have no right
To prophet propaganda
About my life.
Underneath all of this
I loved you once.
Don't pretend you don't remember
Love had a life here
Between our fingertips
And words unspoken
A holy grail of light lived
Between the echoes of my sheets
And the hollow of each of my hearts skipped beats as you turned to leave
While I miss watching my world in your eyes
Miss watching you build universes while watching me
While I can now never look Into blue eyes the same without shivering deep inside where you so easily found my darkest hiding places
You still have no right

Have you ever seen  a carcass
Torn apart by a predator
Pieces strewn about.

Hearing the words
I don't want to be with you
Does the same thing
To one's heart.

It's supposed to be poetic
And heart break is beautiful
You grow from it.

All I can tell you
Is that when the person
Who promised to love you
Forever
Says
I don't want to anymore
It just ******* hurts


It hurts to wake up
It hurts to breathe
It hurts to function
It just ******* hurts.

It's painful and it's not pretty.
It leaves your future bare
And uncertain
Your home empty
You bed a punishment and solice

I have lived bad times
But none worse
Than that of a lover I've loved
Leave

I think I'm done with this

How can I stay
When I'm in my way
Where do I go
When this is all I know

Every battle takes its toll
I used to pride myself
on my resilience
but every bite has left its mark
and its a hard won fight
if this is what winning looks like
looking around at what is
left over
in the aftermath
of the hard fought wars
this may not be victory after all

across my path i met a gypsy
who wants eveything to be beautiful and everyone to be
he weaves a blessed magical spell
with the places he's been and the tales he can tell
he pours his colourful soul into passionate pictures
wears bright shirts with flowers and big coats with furs
he respects my boundaries, accepts me
understands my craziness
encourages me to be
he creates a new world out of bliss
he says he's walked miles barefoot and in other people's shoes
he wants to slap on a dress and I a beard
and we'll get on stage to sing the blues
on my battered me, a mark his soul will sear
then he looks at me with his blue eyes and smiles his sad smile
and I realise I'll never know his demons or the depth of his fears
but I hope he stays a little while
he helps me face me and leaves his peace here

7 years of my life
Fits into 8 boxes
In a 2x3 container
20 minutes from here
And a few scattered pieces
Left lying around
I take 5 breaths a day
And 14 steps
To here and back
Its all i can do for now
While she sleeps in my bed
And pets my dog
And he cooks her dinner
In my pans
While she sleeps
In the boxers i bought him
While she closes my curtains
While she holds his hand
While she lives my life
My life that fits in a 2x3
And i sleep alone

I'll be your shadow when you walk
I'll be the last word when you talk
I'll be the wind on your face
Of your footsteps I'll be the trace
I'll  be the last drop in your cup
Even the steam from your tub
Through an open window I'll be the breeze
When you're cold I'll be the freeze
When you hunger  when you slumber
I will be the cause
And then when you dare to dream
I will be there it would seem
You will shout and you will suffer
For you cannot find the roots
Of this s. Austin and this haunting
Being bestowed on you
Still as you breathe I'll be your breath
And as you live I'll be your death
My presence will be overwhelming
And it will be surrounding
And it will always be there
Just to haunt you just to taunt you
Just to show you just how much I cared
My love,  so close that's how I'll be
Just out of reach and so I will teach
Just what you've lost in me

ek het iemand nodig om namens my te bid, te pleit
my gebede val soos ouds op dowe ore ongehoor
ek voel oud en alleen uit gesmyt
ek het nou op gehou pm te glo ek kan toor
ek het ver geval en seer gekry
ek het op gegee op my
my kop en my lyf probeer mekaar so ver moontlik vermy
weereens het ek myself verloor
ek is te moeg om op te staan om weer te begin soek
ek is bang vir die kry, die kruis verhoor
ek voel teen gekant en vervloek
ek is niks nie anyways

i sit aside quiet and bruised
you left me here old and used
to no rhythm does my heart beat
i cannot feel my fingers or my feet
you haunt my dreams
and its you who echo through my screams
you left with barely goodbey
you didnt want to try
all those things that taunt me
they reach inside beyond me
while they fill my soul with numbness
and hollow out my body with clumsyness
my silence be my armor plate
with my silnece i will clear the slate
a single word from you crumbles my defence
your sweet lips tricked my body into making amends
"can i call you sometime?" "dont you dare!"
all this is too much for me to bare
i fear my heart will soon stop beating
ive nothing left to use for weeping
you took everything i gave
and went back without me to your cave
sorry i think ill wait here
until all my healing are words no more
and when all my feelings are pain no more
maybe then ill get up
and try walking again

I look for you in places
You are not
In my heart
On my phone
In my bed
In the line when God gave
Strength and courage to man

I find you in unnecessary places
On permanent ink on my wrist
In the permanent scars of what is left
Of my heart.
All the places I can't hide from
There you are and all it does
Is make me want to look
For you less

I want to run to you and scream, in your face at the top of my lungs.
I want to know who holds your grace
and breathes your wings
I want to know who catches your quiet tears
and voices your silent tongue when it cant sing
Who is it that knows your fears that you pretend to hide so well
Who seeks them out within your soul and makes them disappear
I want to know who is it that makes you whole
and hears your screams
when no one's there to see you shout
Who is it that holds you close
and gets you through the night
when you cant be alone with your solitude
I want to run to you and Shout
"Have you had your fun?"
"Can we stop this charade?"
"Are you ready to love me now?"
but I never do
I never do

I have been here before
My soul sighs
When my mind conjures up these words
In that particular order

Combined emotions
Of relief,  grief and satire
Often follow suit
Behind those words

I have been here before
I am reminding myself
That we faced this thing before
And that we faced it then
Simply means getting back on
That same horse
We rode it out last time
And we can do so again

I have been here before
Heartbreak
Loss of a loved one
Hard times
Relocation
Job loss
Scratch
Irrespective of the cause
I have been here before

Do we really want to
Go through something again
We've already faced and conquered
A resounding no and a sigh
Combined with resilience and retaliation
And yet a soft smile

I have been here before
We know the horse and the road
Better this time around
Reluctantly
Unnecessarily
Even so
I have been here before
And might be again
But now we stand up and saddle up
Bring what we have left over from the last round
And ride this one out
The scared little me that doesn't want to
And the big strong me who remembers how to

With a smile and a sigh
I have been here before
We were OK afterwards then too
We remember

It's been a hell of a year
All I remember is the cold
Sleeping on the floor
In your empty house

Walking your empty hallways
Talking to your empty walls
To your empty heart
Drunk on regrets

I wasn't enough to save you
I wasn't anything more
Than the girl
Who slept in your house
On the floor

Alone in your cold

I send forgiveness
To your door
She returns
With her refusal
To knock
Not yet
she says
Not yet

Now I know new year's
Is about new beginnings
But as the sun rose
I found myself
Missing you
Drinking old whiskey
Listening to our old songs
Hearing the old promises
Your voice in my ear
Your hands on my skin

I went to bed alone on this new day
Not looking ahead to new beginnings
But With my hand holding yours
in the past

I don't dwell on the past.
I don't miss things long gone.
But you always felt like home.
Home was where I wanted to be
Home felt like a good place to start
A new year.

I hope this year I will find my hand to hold
I hope I don't miss you when I do.
I hope you don't miss me.

Other nights I hate you
Just for being you who are
The way you share yourself with others
It's disgusting
And how when you walk into a room
It lights up and people like you
Your smile is contagious
It's annoying
The way you seem to take over
And make everything better
Perfect,  brilliant
It's irritating
And when you leave people still talk
And I listen with an unabiding ear
Because it's soothing
That's other nights
Tonight I wish I were those other people
Being lit up and charmed
It's bittersweet

You flow though my veins and me
I'm trying to write you out to set you free
You don't belong to me

You seem to know
Just when to come around
And say hello
When I've reached my lowest low
And can't seem to say no
Can't seem to say anything
But barely hello

like the sun on a sunny day
you beckon me come out and play
I hesitate afraid to burn
the more I fear, the more I yearn
you keep me on such a short leash
my heart has never a moments peace
my knees grow weak
a silent tear rolls down my cheek

you tear me apart
as you claw at my heart
you push and pull at the strings of my soul
wont you rather heal me whole
like the wind in its own wild way
you led me too far astray
did I beg to enter your home
or do I beg to be alone

raindrops against my window
his head and mine against my pillow
in the warmth of his face
I'd rather be no other place
its a long tiring struggling fight
it will be an even longer night
only when he parts from me
can I trust myself to be completely free

I do not do well
with a soft goodbye
when you leave I beg you
leave hard
You are breaking something
After all
So do not be gente or kind
And I do not want your pity
Give me a piece of your mind
I do not heal otherwise
scream loudly mean things
stomp your feet all over
what is still left lying around
break things if you must
to get your point across
make sure I understand
you mean what you say
when you say
you no longer intend to stay
kick me around some
Make sure the bruises show
leave me shaking on my knees
mascara streaked tears
staining the floor
when you close the door
because I do not do well
with soft goodbyes
where hope lies

i wish that you couldve been around
everytime that i fell down
i wish our pretty eyes could see
what your silence does to me
seen my tears fall often and plenty
from my broken heart still and empty
wish i could still see you everyday
say those things i meant to say
remember our little house by the ocean
and we'd sit all day and watch the motion
no i thought not
thought you had already forgot
thought you forgot our memories so dear
that was the greatest of my fear
soon enough i knew you would
i just never thought that i could
im broken from falling
and tired from crawling
but slowly my life is getting organised
im sure for everything ive apologised
souls end up where they loved the most
when my day comes
i hope im in your arms by the coast

it would seem i have to rethink my view
my point of view on you
because i think we lost
as my limbs fill with frost
my eyes closed with unshed tears
my future suddenly bleak filled fear
i think we lost this time
after all  our silly crimes
all the crazy **** we got up to
youre now telling me its over, we're through
i think your eyes tell a different story
that you still feel that wild love for me
but you say you bought a nice big house
and i say you're a ****** cowardly little mouse
so you say you love that fat old hag
and i say i taught you all about love, thats my bag
but still your walls i cant crack
and in your voice, i hear all i lack
and i think we've lost for good
i always knew in the end we should

Such a quiet feeling with no words need speaking.
Such quiet words doing so much healing.  
Never knew quiet could say so much.  
Never knew how deep and thorough quiet could touch.  
Comforting how empowering silence can be.  
Comforting how silence looks at me and sees me.
So much silence says without saying anything.  
So much calm to my restlessness silence's nearness brings.
Silence sits quietly next to me when I don't want to speak.  
Quietly scolds me when I don't want to eat.  
Silence doesn't scream or shout or fight.  
Silence holds me close and helps me sleep at night.  
This silence brings air to my lungs so I can breathe.  
This silence is possessive and protective and likes to mark me as his and bare his teeth.

never again will my heart skip a beat
i'll forget everything from your fingertips to your feet
deep wounds never really heal
too many hours of lost time do they steal
only to reveal
that the memories never really leave
and a part of us will forver grieve
even when we are too old to remember anymore
we'll still carry a sense that we lost something we once longed for

Sometimes I just like to watch you
Doing best what you do
Sharing yourself with others
Watching them being mesmerised
Watching you being you

Sometimes I want to touch you
Where your eyes can sometimes touch me
When just  simple look from you
Can cut right to the core of me

Sometimes I want to hurt you
As your ignorance does me
Those days I want to shake you
To make you feel the same

Sometimes I need to love you
Even though you can't feel
Even though my touch feels numb against you
Your skin immune
Sometimes I just need to

Sometimes I still do all this
Sometimes it's all I can do
Sometimes it's all I have of you
That little bit
Sometimes nothing at all

I burn bridges
I watch in the rear view mirror
embers and the remnants fade away
I like closure and closed chapters

I wanted to destroy ours
So completely
That there never was a bridge
Pointless waste
you always still
Seem to find your way
back
To me

Even now I can feel you drifting

I overgrow pathways with thorns
hide the signs
switch off the lights
leave the post on the porch
let the dust settle

Still you end up at my door
Baggage in hand
spark in your lazy eye
I never leave you in the cold
God's knows I want to

You follow me to the kitchen
Where I start on the new bomb
While you build the new bridge
I aim to blow

Our cycle is consistent
Your leaving is exhausting
My heart break is on rewind
There's comfort in repetition
But where is the love

On the other side
Of this genocide
I count too many empty bottles
Each a name inked
At the bottom
A ghost I tried to drown
A piece of me I didn't want to be
A memory I wanted to slice from the reel
A life I tried to make not my own
All the empty bottles brought
Was a graveyard of more things
I'd rather not have

I loved you quietly in the shadows between the dawn and dusk
You said you really liked the scent I used,  it was musk
I only loved you for a little short while
Had I only known our road was only long a short short mile
If I could go back and change things,  never have met you,  I would
But if I could change the present,  I also wish I could
Our quiet connection was a secret
You belonged to another,  so I would keep it
You undressed my body and mind with one of your intent looks
It took mere moments for me to be hooked
Hooked on your stares,  your smiles,  your disguise
My favourite words were all your pretty little lies
You spoke to me though all my most loved songs
Made me feel like I found home,  like I belonged
Kindred spirits,  I thought  you and I.
And you said it first,  so I didn't deny
And  now you are no longer here
I sit alone with my thoughts and fears
I don't know if any of it was real or fake
This seeming game of which I did partake
The worst part about not knowing if it was real
Is that my sorrow,  to you,  like a cruel joke I feel

There is this man I know
Apparently he lives nearby
I see him from time to time
As he walks on by
On his way to go to where ever
He needs to be
Doing what ever it is
That needs to be getting done
He must be very important
For he walks so purposefully fast
And in looking so professional
Dealing with his tasks
He does have a way about him
I'd mind admitting to see
Even sipping on his drink
Gracefully handling his own company
So well he does these things
All on his own
So sad he does them so well alone
When he used to do them with me
Constantly

My mind refers to you now as a plunderer
For one who takes what isn't freely given
Surely is a thief

And while I smiled while you took what you took
I did protest,  though not vehemently
Yet softly, as is my nature

And quietly,  as is yours,  you stole
My ability to trust, my belief in honesty
I had just relearned those qualities

In one silent but grand gesture
you both instilled
and refuted my belief in fairytales

Though you shed a light
on a part of me long time dead
and brought her back to life

gratefully so, looking back,  the cost,  
i think, is higher than I was willing
To sacrifice ,  had I been offered the choice

Of course,  you kept
saying I could walk away
not implying what staying would signify

its not always sunshine and happiness
sometimes some days everythings a mess
i miss the comfort, i miss the cold
i miss not feeling so young, so old
i miss saying hello and waving goodbey
i miss the glue that killed me
that kept me alive

A box filled with secrets
Shackled to my feet
Gets dragged around
Everywhere with me
Invisible ink
Ethes the words
Again and again
In the form
Of so many things
A knowing look
A turn of phrase
From a private book
Between the silence
Of this second
And the next
One foot firmly
In no man's land
I stand holding
My breath
Boundaries invisibly set
And yet
So clearly defined
I have no right
To stake a claim
And yet
I am owned

I love reading Bukowski
and if I could pick one person to have dinner with,
he would be it.
He got it.
And I want to tell him I think I get it.
In his poem one tough mother fckr, he talks about this survivalist cat. How this cat inspired him and he holds up the cat
and says this is what its about, look,
and they don't get, and the cat knows its *******.
I love how he said it was a beautiful fight, still is.
And how winning the war within yourself is worth winning.
I want to get drunk with him and tell him I think I get it.
I have fought battles and wars my entire life, and find it beautiful. There's a beauty in finding peace and letting go.
In getting up everyday when you have no reason to.
Plowing through the hard days and then looking back on the good ones, smiling, knowing you made it.
Battle worn, scarred, older, maybe wiser.
Certainly takes more whiskey to get you drunk
and more cigarettes to fill the lungs
More pills to help you sleep but you're still here, tough mother f@ck*r
It was a beautiful fight, still is.
The battle is never over.
For some, there's always another around the bend.
Small victories and large defeats.
And I celebrate them all.
because if there was ever a fight worth winning, you are it.
None of us are getting out alive, its the living that matters.
So live well enough that death trembles to take us.
I want to tell him I think I get it.
And have a bottle or two with him.
And celebrate him and myself and it all, the good and the bad
and live before I die.

You wrote in the back of your diary
You need to remember to be kinder to me
You needed to love me unconditionally
Your to do list left me cold
While I unpacked my old life
Into the current state
7 years too late

I found your diary
In a box of my old life

I made lists of my own
Remember to pack your books
Remember to return the ring
Remember to say goodbye to our dog
I tried to be so careful
Not to take what was not mine
To take memories and not take memories

Your list was harder to read
You needed to remind yourself
Of your for love me
If i had found your diary
Not 7 years too late
It would never have been
7 years to waste

Remeber to be kinder to her
Remember to love her unconditionally
Treat her with respect
You havent asked for it back
I guess she has what i lack
I guess you dont need
To be reminded
To love her

Ive lost this fight
and every one, every other night
All the breathless screaming
and pointless pleading
In the very end
I regret to repent
has left me alone and very old
silently kneeling in the cold
Ive nowhere left to turn
all but the last fire's ashes left to burn

There is
A fine line
Between appreciation
And ownership
Which I seem to fall over
Scraping my knees
Too often
Too Continously

Lying alone
In what was once
Our sweat soaked sheets
Torn between shame and regret
Over the secrets we're
All forced to keep
Whatever this was
It has changed me

its in the space in between
in the sound of his voice, deep and mean
not what is there, but what is not
spaces so vast, emptiness forgot
my sins leave me without sleep
all my secrets i still keep
is that what you see when you look my way
did you, too, notice the decay
was that on your mind when you turn your back
do your thoughts linger on all i lack

She cant wrap her head
Around the fact
That she cant get her body to move

She cant wrap her head around
A single coherent thought

She cant understand why
Her lungs cant breathe
"Move feet, ******"

She never understood
Emptiness so completely
Until he said
He overcame his addictions
And outgrew her

finally na jare se rusteloosheid
jare van verlore wees, rond soek na my
elke avenue na jaag, opskop en my kniee numb pleit
het ek my vrede om jou om my gekry
my en jou se safe place
weg van al die jare s elies en disgrace
ek vat my dae een vir een soos ek kans sien
en dit sal n lieg proe as ek nie se my verlange le diep
het altyd gedink as ek beter was sou ek jou verdien
maar ek was te naief, te jonk, te blind
het myself my gevoelnes verbied
ek was moeg vir wag, die seer, die verwyt
moeg vir die fluister van trane oor my wange en die verlange
ek wou nie die weggeooi meer wees, wou jou weg smyt
bang vir alleen wees, wou nie die faulty een wees, bang
ek het vir ons ons eie soace create
n safe place waar nie ek of jy mekaar ooit weer kan forsake
ek hoef jou nooit weer te soek want ek weet waar jy gaan wees
finally you can help chase away my fears

I want to dance in this holiness
Steady myself in your embrace

I want to pin this moment
In the warmth of your stare

I want to bask in your silence
And grow memories of Sundays

You said it would've worked
If we started things
The right way

Baby for things like this
There is no right way
Only a whispered
"I wished you would've stayed"

ek staar dae lank na n lee wit muur
binne my brand als soos vuur
in eensaamheid word ek toegevou
buite kou die druppels dou
die laaste uur voel ek so koud
voel so amper amper oud
al die dinge wat my pla
dra ek diep, dit volg my na
ek kou en herkou
my tong so amper flou
steeds ***** jy naby my
en ek kan jou net nie kry

Somewhere in Cape town it always rains
And in some part of my heart the rain always stays
Waves crash deep within me
Like you,  they are always free
You know sometimes I still hate you
Just in between the waves build up and break through
Hold me tight and I sit where i Isit and you know
Of all the things I cannot let go
So here I sigh and sit
And remember the deep scars on my wrists
And we remember the reasons
Why I sit here quietly and let peace in
Peace for myself and I'm letting you be
You who no longer hold onto me



Ek en jy

dit reen altyd iewers in kaapstad
en altyd iewers in my hart
branders golf diep binne my
nes jy is hulle altyd vry
jy weet ek haat jou nog partykeer
net so tussen die branders se golf en kom weer
hou my vas en ek sit waar ek sit en jy weet
van die dinge wat ek nie kan vergeet
so hier sit ek en sug
en onthou van die diep merk op my gewrig
en weet van die rede
hoekom ek hier sit en maak vrede
met myself en met jou
wat my nie meer vashou