Come--
Lay with me under my blankets
Kiss my skin
Memorize the pattern of my gasps
Leave bruises on my hips

Come--
Let's take a drive into town
Play our music too loud
And get sick from smoking
Too many cigarettes

Come--
Stop talking to me for over a year
And then call me up
Crying and saying
"It was you, always you.."

Your fingertips
Burned into my back
A little indent
On the lower left side of my spine

I wish I could go back in time
And save you from my mess
I wish I never hurt you
With my actions or my words
You wouldn't have to deal with
My 3am cruelty
Or my sorrowful sobs
For no reason
You'd never go on that rollercoaster
But somehow
I've convinced you
It was worth it

I hate myself so much
I only let them **** me in the dark

I want to be dead so much
But I'm too scared about
What the afterlife is
If it even exists

I want to be gone
But if I'm dead
It won't matter
If they miss me cause
I won't be there to see it

He makes me complete
But when he isn't next to me
I feel crazy
Like he needs to be next to me at all times
And if he isn't
I'll lose him

What if?
What if I cut my long blond hair off
And died the rest of it black?
What if I pulled my eyeliner
Around my eyes and etched it into
My eyelids?
What if I wore all black?
With bright, blood red lipstick.
And drew big red angry lines
That looked like cracks
Across my skin with a razor blade?
Then, maybe then,
The crazy on my outside
Would reflect the crazy
In my head

Would it be crazy
If I said I liked you?

I hate this
I hate myself
I hate that we changed
That we had to heal
Had to separate
I feel it in my blood
We are different

Quiet house
A cry from the other room
It gets louder and louder
           I stay quiet
Listening to the criers grief
And my mother rushes in and
          Looks at me
The sound dies out slowly
I can't believe it...
           The crier was me.

Funny how
I went from
Church every Sunday
And kissing boys
Only happened a week
After I started dating them

Strange how now
I haven't gone
To church in months
And how
Me and my best friend
Take turns
Giving the same boy
A ******* on the way home
From another party
After getting drunk
And fighting another girl together

I dream of you every day.
I wish I was with you all the time.
I sleep, hoping you'll come to wake me.
So that I'll never wake up.

I want to hold your hands
And kiss your cold, numb lips.
I want to fall with you
Into the nothingness.

Oh, Death.
I wish you would come
Take me away from this place.

I have a baggie of sleeping pills.
I slept for 12 hours straight on them.
But when I wake,
I awaken to my life.
And sigh because I don't
Want to live it.

Don't be in dysfunctional abusive
Relationships that make you
Cry and cut and hate
Yourself and everything.

Don't.

You deserve so much better.
Trust me.*

Because I understand
And if she hadn't of left me
I would still be in torment
Believing it was better
Than not being with her at all.

*Don't let the
Should've been the one
Get in the way of
The true one.

Where you touch
It burns
I never understood
How people could
Get high off of kisses
Until my lips met yours

And My eyes
Have never met
Such naked ****** perfection
Until you layed still
As I ran my hands up and down
Your stomach hips and thighs

You called me again at 2:30 am.
I don't know what to make of it.
That was about two days ago.
You apologized and
Never texted me back.

Do you only think of me when you
Can't sleep?

Its 8:11 am and I haven't slept yet.
I thought I was done crying
Over you, but apparently not.

I'm in the bathrobe you got me.
Its the only thing I'm wearing.
And I'm crying.

I still think of you every day.
I still miss you every day.
If someone brings you up
My heart crumples
A little more
Every
Day.

And I don't know what to do about it.

(K- if you are reading this, I'd suggest stopping.)


I remember being with Mykayla and just feeling happy. Her laugh made me laugh. Her tears made me cry. Her skin was my skin. I know I talk about the bad times a lot, but 80% of our relationship was blissfully good. She was family. She could've been the one. She was my first, and I wanted nothing more than for her to be my last. We got so comfortable in our relation ship. It was like we were married. Our bond was so strong. We'd **** burp *** and **** in front of each other. We'd yell and fight and cry and fall asleep together all the same. No matter how bad it got, I knew it'd be worse once me and M broke up.

I was so sure of her and I.

Just like I'm so sure of you and I.

I'm not comparing you two, because I love you so **** much. You are worth more than a million billion trillion quadrillion mykaylas.

I can't afford to lose you. I need you so much it hurts. Please remember this. I cant lose you. If I do? I'm ******.

I feel like I belong with you.

And I hope you feel the same way.

Because if I felt that lost with a girl who
Soon got addicted to **** and failed
High school,
I cannot imagine how lost I will be when I lose my blond haired blue eyed girl.

I'm gonna be one sad girl if this ever ends.

I love you. I'm sorry you weren't and aren't happy with me. I'm sorry I kissed Tracy Saturday.
Even though we are broken up, it still felt like I was cheating. You were still mad.
I just...needed to feel something that wasn't ******* pain.
It wasn't that good. I wasn't trying to make you jealous. If I was, I certainly would have told you the second it happened.
But I am sorry you had to find out through other people.
I can't seem to let you go. I love you so **** much. All I can do is cry and throw up. I tried cutting myself. Four cuts on my leg and I couldn't bring myself to keep on going. What a ***** I am.
If you go to prom it'll be so heartbreaking. Both of us in our navy blue, but dancing separately.
I don't know if I'll be able to stand it.
I think I'll need a drink or two this Saturday.
I just miss you so ******* much. You were (are) my world.
I was so sure of you. I'm so stupid. So trusting, even after everything that happened. I wish you knew how much longer this "time alone" would take for you, because it's driving me out of my mind.

I thought you cared about me.
I thought you loved me.
I thought you wanted this to be a forever
Kind
Of
Thing.

Now I know it was all a lie.
You and Sam are
"Together but not together"
So I'm letting you go.

I've been hurt before.
Just stop lying and own up to
What you do.

You don't care enough about me.
Its all about her now.
She is new, exciting,
Shiny.
My body is boring now.

Whatever.

I started smoking regularly.
I started sleeping until 2 or 3pm.
I started not being able to fall asleep until 5/6am.
I ****** a complete stranger.
He left me more empty
Than anything.
I thought of you.
That it was you.

****** up, huh?
I helped Austin cheat.
We sent nudes back and forth.
I don't know why.
His girlfriend still doesn't know
The full extent of it.

****** up, huh?
I wish I was with you still.
I don't know why.
I wish I was over you.
I wish I could wake up
And have a whole day where
Someone could say "khayllia"
And I wouldn't cringe
And my heart wouldn't hurt.
But that day hasn't come yet.
I'm so lost.
Not because you left me.
But because you left me alone.

You don't talk to me. And I wish you would.
When you left I didn't just lose a girlfriend. I lost a friend. I don't know what to do or what to say or how to say it.
There's no easy way out of this.

How do you do it?
Sit in bed with the poster
Of Ariel I colored
And labeled
'to my Disney princess'
I wonder if you looked at it
And hated it and tore it down.
How do you look at your bed
And see my blanket I gave you
Saying "relax"?
I wonder if you laughed a little
At that word, because
You couldn't relax to save your life.
How do you go in your bathroom
And see my pink hair straightener?
I wonder if it made you cry
Because memories of me straightening
Your hair for you and
Getting distracted and kissing you
Were too much to handle...
How do you do it?

I wonder if you will ever look at my hello poetry page again. If you'll see my letters to you and smile, or look at the word him and grit your teeth. I can't say I miss you, because I shut it down when that sick missing feeling creeps up my throat. I haven't cried over you at all today, which is a small victory. I'm nervous to see you, because I don't know if I'll be able to restrain myself from kissing you and holding onto you. I don't want to. At least this way I can pretend you're gone on a trip, but after I see you I can't. Im dreading the awkward silence and uncomfortable words pushing through our teeth as a means of politeness. I don't want to remember our last time seeing eacother like that. Can't it stay as us sitting on ravens kitchen floor, laughing and kissing and kissing and kissing?
I'm not ready to move on.

I miss you. But you are not here. I cannot talk to you, I don't trust myself. I wish you would look at this. I wish you'd read these stupid poems about you, and understand what this hell is like for me. Because I don't think you do understand. And I have a feeling you have moved on to whoever or whatever, but I haven't. Mother washed that white jacket that smelled like you, the last thing that did. When I breathed it in I cried, because it didn't smell like I was walking into your house. I miss you. I miss being intimate with you. I miss that look in your eyes, that tentative intensity. I just want to look at you and see it one last time. Kiss your lips one last time.

I saw you today
And I realized I didn't know
Who you were anymore.
How is it I can know everything
Yet nothing all at the same time?
I didn't know what time you got up
Or if you ate breakfast
I don't know if you went to work
Or got groceries after school
I don't know if you cried last night
Or did your homework.
I know your family.
That you love your ears being kissed.
You love my hands.
I know you like to sing
But don't think your good enough.
I wish I knew you
Like I did back then.
Because now it's like
You're a stranger
And that's something
I never thought you'd be.
You don't belong to me anymore.

I wonder if you still love me. If you still care about me. I know Angel is better, but do you still think about me? Is there any chance in the world left that I could be with you again? We can close our eyes and pretend these past 7 months didn't happen.

I'm not ready to give up on you. Whenever I think about it, I think about how much of an amazing person you are, and then I couldn't ever give you up. I have had an opportunity every day for almost four months to move on. But I don't want to. I'm so sorry you feel like I thought our relationship was a joke. To be honest, I knew it was so ******* real that I couldn't imagine you not wanting to be with me, and it scared me. I'm sorry it scared me. If I had to have you and only you until the day I died, I would be happier than anybody and anything in this whole world. Because I love you still. So much. And if you ever gave me the chance to prove to you I was for real about this, I would take it and prove how much I love you. I would buy you flowers every day and wake you up with a kiss and hold your hand and walk you to your classes and treat you so ******* good that you wouldn't ever want HER. You want to know what I think about Angel? Besides her being beautiful and perfect and stunning. I think you want her because she treats you a million times better than I ever did. And I know she is way better than me in every way shape and form, but I still love you. This pathetic girl still loves you. And I'm sorry you thought you weren't enough, because in all reality I wasn't enough. You were perfect.

I still miss you so much
It's a little ridiculous
How it's been almost a year
Since we broke up
I feel like I could still cry
Still scream
Beg for you back
But I feel even you can't
Pull me away from the edge
I'm standing on
You're still so beautiful
Ever since you and HER broke up
You've actually said a few words to me
I miss you so much.

We have been best friends since I was 12. That means we have been friends for almost 6 years. And while I have changed greatly, it seems you haven't changed a bit. Except now you like to have *** and drink, snort Molly and smoke ****. I have never pretended to be your friend because being your friend is like breathing air. It comes so easily. I fit into it so well. We both do. We know exactly how to act around eachother and what to say. I buy you food, clothes, and we have had our fair share of matching and trading outfits. Remember in eighth grade when we traded wardrobes? You came to school all girly and I came all goth? It was crazy. Or when we snuck out for the first time and we were soooo loud? I have no idea how we didn't get caught. Or you doing my eyeliner because I ****** at it. I remember the hole in your wall you covered with a heart. I remember everything. We used to never fight, we were so close people swore up and down we were lesbian for each other. Then we got broken a few times. Good times became getting high with Naomi on the dock or sneaking out to parties. (Like that one time we fought at autumns). We had been through so much. We slept better with each other than without. Then....something happened. I don't know what. After ****, then Stone....I just couldn't. Anymore. But the love was still there. It still is there. But it just doesn't feel the same. That's why I've asked to not be friends anymore.

At the end of each day
As I'm laying in the dark
Looking into the night
I whisper
"I still want to die"

My head exploded
Last night.
Now it is empty.
My brain is asleep.
My heart is numb.
My morals are taking
The back seat,
And seeing what
I'll become.

I knew it the second two lines appeared
I knew it when I saw your heartbeat
I knew it when I felt you move inside me
When I gave birth to you
When I held you

That my heart grew three sizes too big for you
And it broke for me

For the me that stayed up too late
Drinking and talking and making love
For the me that got up early
To watch the sunrise make coffee
Read a book in the quiet peace
For going on spontaneous road trips
And making ****** art with my friends

I miss my friends
I miss going on midnight swims
Camping in the middle of nowhere
Smoking a guilty cigarette
Staying up so late it’s early

I am no longer young and wild and free

I am her mother

She needs me

When we were 12
I got my first pair of shorter shorts
When I went over to your house
I wasn't allowed to wear them
Unless it was to sleep

You were always jealous.
I was rail thin.
You were chubby,
But had less ***** than me.

I had no responsibities
You had school soccer
Volleyball summer jobs
And raising your three
Other siblings.

Soon you quit eating
And thinned out until
Your ribs peeked out
We sat on the bus
I showed you my scars on my arms
And you whispered
"I put a knife to my stomach
But was too scared to push in"

Then we were juniors
You gave blow jobs to
Your ****** boyfriend
While I slept.

Your blonde hair and blue eyes
Looked so innocent it hurt.

You lost your virginity.
Fell out of love.
You talked about going to
Arizona for College.
That I should go with you.
By now I was failing half my classes
And going to parties on the weekends.

You met other boys
Slept with one who broke your heart
And ran back to your
First love.
He willingly took you.

Then we were seniors.
You complained about him.
About how small his **** was.
How he treated you.
How selfish he was.
How he's a super senior that'll
Be twenty one next year.
He's a baker at Carr's.
I think you secretly hate him.

You say no more to Arizona.
You say yes to
University of Anchorage Alaska.
Its an hour drive away.
You say you're spending
Your college years living
With your grandma instead of
Living on campus.

Your parents dig themselves
Into you and live through
You. Your perfection.

You are a settler.
And I feel you'll be that way
Your entire life.

There.
Right below my sternum,
That’s where you want to make the incision.

Cut it out of me, please.
I want to see if this dark thing inside of me
Is as ugly as it feels.

Sometimes
When I look into my eyes
I see nothing
But black pupils
Staring back
Sharing nothing---
Emotionless
And physical
With nothing there
And sometimes
I touch my own skin
And I feel nothing
Underneath my fingertips
But the feel of flesh
And mortality
And I think of how wonderful life should be

And how I can't feel
ANY OF IT
I don't see the
WONDER
I don't feel the
AMAZEMENT
of my youth

And that is my depression.
Is that I can't feel anything.
I don't feel sad. Or mad.
And I want to. My depression isn't a
"boohoo hate myself"
It's an
"what have I become?"
Have I no joy in life?
No, I suppose not.

Take me into your bed
Let me burn my kisses
Down your neck
and down your chest

I don’t want you to be able to touch your own hips without shivering and remembering how it felt when I felt them

Ive lost over ten pounds
Sleeping
And just not eating
Seem like a perfect
match made in hell.

I know you don't want me
Because let's be honest who would

But please don't leave me
I love you so much this was supposed to be us against the world
You told me I was your forever
Now I'm just your ex

And I can't stand being it
I can't even think that I
Will never get to kiss you again
Or hold you or
Hold your hand
Or go to the movies with you
Or massage your hair

I can't think of you not being mine
Forever

Without wanting to puke up all the anxiety I'm having without you.

I'm so desperate for you.
I can't believe those words you said
Were lies.

I love you.
Can't that be enough?

Tight smiles
At dinner again
Compliments to mother again
Little brother leaves the table first
Off he goes to his room he runs
If only my feet could race to my room
Like they could when I was little.

Into the living room
To watch a movie again
Father is already in his chair asleep
Sister grabs a tall glass
Fills it to the brim with Jameson whiskey
And ice.

I try to retreat
To my comforting room
With its comforting smell
And I slip by into the computer room.
After a while I sneak upstairs
Dreading saying goodnight.

Reading a book
Laying down
Mother comes in with an anger.
"why didn't you say goodnight?"
She demands
"what is so special about up here...?"

She leaves with a prim goodbye
And I let out an annoyed sigh
And pore myself into the pages
Trying to forget
How horrible and fake
My family is.

"do you love your sin enough to burn in hell forever?"
Who? Who is that sin..? That beautiful girl next to me? And to answer your question, if this was sin, yes. A million times yes. Waking up today to see her face smiling at me is worth it. And when Satan is torturing me, I'll remember the love I have received from her. That is how it isn't a sin. Because this love isn't twisted, it isn't hurting anybody, and I am happy and so is she. It is real love. And we aren't hurting anybody. Why do you care so much about my life and who I choose to be with? Doesn't affect you none.  So ******* and your empty words that shouldn't pack in so much hurt. But they do.

I smile at everything she is
She is every Disney Princess
There ever was
And I'm in love.
She has the strength of Mulan
With a Beauty like Belle
The defiance of Ariel
And a voice like Aurora
She has kindness like Cinderella
And can cook like Tiana.
She is my very own
Disney princess
The best there ever was
All their perfect qualities
Rolled into one.

And I just can't feel it
The feeling of life
There's a Glass window
Between me and reality
I can't feel my own fingertips
Running through my hair
Or get that feeling
I used to get listening to my music
I don't like drinking
I don't like smoking
I don't feel amazement
Or happiness
Just a grey
With no emotion
No blue or red or green
Just grey
It's like my heart and head
Are muted
And I look at my life
Like its a ******* joke
I don't know if I feel
Or if it's just my imagination
I say I care
When I should care
But I really don't
I just don't want you
To hate me
For being an unattached little *****
But that's what I am
So I wake up every day
With a grim smile on my face
Im nt growing distant to you,
I'm growing distant to everything.

Everyone under the age of 25
Is so scared that they
Won't find the love of their life

You know who should be scared?
People at age 40 or 50
Who have multiple ended marriages
Because who
Could ever possibly
Be the one for them?

So much wasted time, and
So much wasted youth.

I need you.
I need you so much.
You are where my self worth is,
Where my happiness starts.
Where my sadness ends.
You make me feel
Alive
In the best of ways
And when I'm not around you
I feel
Dead.
Don't you understand?
I need you.
For everything good in life.

I watched you and HER
Dance
Mess around smiling
Laughing

All I could think of
Was how funny it was
That I can know you so well
And then suddenly
Not know you at all.

My fingers grasp a trash can
My head buried in it
She is rubbing my back
But I don't want her touching me
It makes me even more sick
I just wanna throw up
My whole body
And then some
It reeks of
99 apples
And empty stomach
I wipe my face
Can't even stomach water
And I can't stand up
I can't sit up
My friends grab my arms and pull
Me onto the couch
But I just wanna shove
My sick face into the trash can..

You're such a different breed,
Than any man I thought I could need.

Oh baby,
        You're the one for me.

I threw her drunk *** onto the ground by her hair
Got on top of her
Her hands hit my arms
But didn't hurt at all
I punched her face
One
Two
Three
Stand up shaking

Her eyes
Are a mixture
Of gray and blue
And her fingers
Whisper the way
Leaves on trees do

I know.
No matter how hard I try,
Or how hard I will try,
I will never be enough.
Never enough for him.
Yet at the same time
Too much.

I wish that people
Could love me
*e f f o r t l e s s l y

I haven't talked to her in two days
I miss her like crazy
Im drowning myself
In his affection
And crying like hell
When I wake up
I want her.
I want her to be mine
And she wants me
But my parents...
I'll never move on.
I'll never forget waking up
And kissing her
In her arms
And still sleepy.
She is perfect
In every single way
How can I be friends
With her when out history is too much?
It's all at an end.
No more new memories to make
Just hurt.
It's over.
Forever.

I am a bottomless ocean
Keep digging in
See what uncharted breadths I hold
I’m a new species of lonely
A new species of tired
I’m a new species of run down

I’m a brand new car with 300,000 miles on it
A newborn child that doesn’t scream when it cries
A kitten that doesn’t play with string

I’m a pretty broken thing

You must take the time
To see what you live for.
I live for books
And first kisses.
For drunken young nights
And awkward first times.
I live for my teachers
Stupid jokes
And my friends *******
I live for
Forgetting what happened last night
And all the faults I have made
I live for laughter
And Mykayla's smile,
Especially her smile.
I live for love
And beauty
And respect
And revenge
And hate.
I live for it all.
For the good and the bad.
That is what makes life
Worth living.