I
Close  my eyes
I
Imagine a place
Where
Everything is white
Where
There is a crisp envelope
That
I fold perfectly into
That
Seals me up in it
And
I float away
And
I forget because
I
Fall asleep.

I thought I wasn't stuck in
My past anymore
I have a new lover
And a new happy ending
But I feel my heart
Still tug
To sadder times
Where I loved with my whole heart
Instead of most of it
and I had so many possibilities and
I had
A happy heart
And mistakes I could fix.
And now I'm no longer invincible
I'm a hollow shell
That shakes silently sometimes at night
I feel my life whirl by
With me in the middle watching
And I feel myself losing my grip
On my new forced happiness
Losing myself in the waves
Of her love
Looking back at the storm
Of his lies
And I want to leave it
But I can't escape.

My friends aren't supposed to
Look like
This
Hollowed out
Sallow yellow
Cheeks.
***** teeth.

Heating up their medicine
Inside a metal spoon
Stick it in,
Just to get that feeling soon.

Wasting time,
Wasted on the floor,
Nodding off,
Giggling galore.

Jumpy eyes
And uneasy smiles
"Lindsey don't you
Want to stay awhile?"

But they've already left,
Off to their next fix,
Too bad they've amounted
To Alaska's Valley hicks.

I wake up with
Last nights ghosts behind my eyes
Look around the room
And all I see is gray

And he is the
Monster under your bed
But when you turn the lights on
He isn't afraid
He mocks you and your fear
With his bitter smile
And sour breath
He wears a silky garment
And his blak hair is slicked back
He is conniving and he is silent
But his presence
Is what scares the children at night
He is the one who plants fear
Inside their minds
And he is the one
Who plants fear into your mind
He is slithery and watery
With no form
And no way to catch him
He is Evil itself.

But I guess that's it
In the end
None of it ******* matters

Humans are rocks
And time are the oceans
All our experiences
Will be whittled down to sand;
Pliable minuscule pebbles
To be stepped upon
By greater things.

The last time I kissed someone
Was almost a month ago
And all my happiness is fake
Can someone
Anyone
Just hold me
And kiss me
And then sweetly
Make love to me

Until it all goes away
Forever and ever
And then I can be happy
For once in my life

God I know I'm not fat
But I can feel it squish out of my
******* jeans
And my stretch marks run down my thighs
And up my waist
I don't understand
I'm not horribly fat
My stomach slithers and droops
Out of my jeans
So squishy squashy
I hate it I hate it
I hate being fat
No more fat fat fat

I just don't want to be around her.
She makes me so uncomfortable.
My body has physically been wrecked
My heart has been smeared
All over my shower walls
Because of her.
Seeing her makes me go
Into
Fight or flight mode
Just because the hurt
Put me there.
It's instinct.

You been upside down
You been low low low
Pretending to not feel alone,
Pretending to not feel alone.

I sit on her bed
My stomach a pile of nerves
That make my hands tremor
And a little damp

She stands between me
I see it in her eyes
Her beautiful blue eyes
She holds my face
My body is shaking

I'm shaking
I'm shaking
She kisses me
Once
Twice

I melt into a puddle
I melt into her arms
I have to pull away
Because I can't wipe this ridiculous smile
Off my face

I see the light
At the end of this tunnel
I think
I have her back
In my arms again
Her black hair
And blue eyes
And skinny waist
Is all mine again,
I'm starting to exercise,
Something I haven't done in a year.
I'm taking better care of my hygeine.
(It wasn't too bad before)
I have goals,
No more bad grades
But better ones
This year I will change
And not tomorrow
But TODAY.
Today I will do work
And work out
And make love
And eat merrily.
Then make love some more.
That is my plan.

I floss my gums
Until they bleed
And smile a big toothy grin
While Watching my red spit

If I end up
Killing myself
Please oh please
Forget me
I went through the trouble
Of killing myself to forget you.
At least return the favor.

I wrap his arms around me
Let him touch me
Where I wouldn't let him touch
Before
Let him in
Let him feel me
Let his fingerprints
Leave stains on my neck
And inbetween my legs

Why is it I still feel you
On my skin,
And not him?

Im such a ******* failure
End of the quarter
And I have like two d's
And an F in geometry!
That's my ******* report card
To come home with?
I'm going to be grounded.
I hate that disappointed look
That my parents get
And their 'no grades no college'
Speech
Because they don't see
That all that does
Is tear me down
And make me want to give up
On everything
Including living
Because my sister is amazing
And going to an ivy league school
In new ******* York
And she is becoming a surgeon
And then there's Lindsey
The little lesbian black sheep
Who fails her classes
No hope for that one
I just get negative negative
All around me
And I hate it I HATE IT
SO ******* MUCH
PUT A *******
BULLET IN MY BRAIN
AND SWALLOW ALL THE PILLS
AND CUT ALL MY VEINS
JUST TO ENSURE I DIE.
That's the only way
I'll ever be remembered positively
In my house.
'such a shame'
And my mom will go pray to god
And ask why and think he works in mysterious ways
But he doesn't
It's my choice.
Nothing mysterious about it.

You left me
With very few words
Said.
No fights,
No falling out,
Just a soft thud
Of a heart falling
To my feet.

It feels so good to talk
To you now.
Like I can breathe again.
Just fresh air full of
Khaylliakhaylliakhayllia
Until I have to go
And my lungs cramp up
And tears threaten to spill.

You say you're empty inside.
I say you were the last thing
That could ever keep me full.

I see their hands
Grabbing at the stage
And at my ankles
Their needy and beady eyes
Following my skimpy silhouette
As I twirl around the pole.
I cry at night
When they come in
For $100 worth of fun.
Rent isn't paid
And my boyfriend finally left me
For a richer class.
I wear my mask of makeup
And put on my smile,
Wipe my nose clear of dust
And head back onto the stage
With my ******* heels on.

I love you Lindsey,
I love you.*
I couldn't say it back.
It got stuck in my throat
With all the other things
I want, but cannot, say.

I get my daughter ready for bed.
I change her diaper,
Put her in a fuzzy and warm sleeper,
Brush her teeth while singing her the ABC’s.
I let her pick out her bedtime story,
Her favorite?
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?
She excitedly points out the animals’
Eyes, tail, fur, or wings.
I kiss her goodnight.
I tuck her in tight.

I try to imagine being you,
But I cannot for too long.
A mother just like me,
Living in Palestine.
Your own mother long gone,
Wearing her old house-key around your neck.
Your own child in your arms,
As you rock and rock
Such a small body that doesn’t breathe.
I try to imagine saying goodnight
For the last time.

I do not know your name,
But I do know you.
I can feel you.
Your pain. Your anguish. Your rage.
Your want to ruin the world
For letting this happen.

I too wish I could ruin the world for you.

I didn't know I could hate something so much.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
Dear God, help me.

**** every no
Ever said to me
**** every glare I get in the hallway
**** her
And her fat body
I hate all of them
Every single one of them
Who proudly wear their
"im fake!" sticker
Like its a blue ribbon
I don't give a ****
So *******
**** all of you
I don't care
I got my friends
I got my girl
That's all I need
So all that judgement
Can go straight up your fat ***
And all that priss and ***** and moan
Can go up there too
I hate you
*******

You can scream and cry
And wish for them back.
You can **** other people
Imagining its them instead.
You can wear their favorite cologne
And fall asleep with the stuffed
Hippo they got you.
You can re read every text,
Letter, and card.
You can wrap yourself
In the clothes they left you.
You can lost yourself in someone
Else's skin,
And try to forget its
Someone else.

Because nothing, nothing
Is going to bring them back.

And all you can do is be stuck in
The past.

Take me to the bathroom
Take my clothes off
Make love to me
Up against the ***** wall.

Take my hand and hold it dearly,
Baby you take my breath away.
Take every last kiss I have left to give,
I want my lips imprinted on your skin.

Take my left ring finger,
Baby take my last name away because I want yours.
Take every last laugh out of my lungs,
I want my happiness to be yours.

Take the heat from inbetween my legs,
Baby take every moan from my mouth
And leave it sighing in your ears.
I want my pleasure wrapped around you.

Take my years, let them slip by with new memories of you,
Baby let's take our love and make a family.
I want you to take me and let me make this a family.

Take me, let's make a family.

Take me, let's make a family.

Take me, I'll give you a family.

Take me, baby, I'll give.

He's mine she's mine
You're mine they're mine
I'm a greedy jealous
Grabby little *****

Heartbroken and silent
Asking why me
I miss her smell and smile
Her caress and kiss
I miss her laugh
And even her cough
I miss her shoulder
And collarbones
Her hips and stomach
I long for the feel of her skin on mine
I just ******* miss her
So ******* much

I guess I'm lucky I'm one of those people who look pretty without make up.
I guess I'm also one of those people with a ****** up mind as well.

I know how you feel.
I know what you feel.

The front you put on is the biggest
Crime you could ever commit.

Your makeup, clothes, and hair
Hide your cracks.

Your laugh,
Your forever immaturity.

Your 'forever young
Wild and free.'

I see through it.
I see through every hook up
You have
A week long noncommittal
Relationship.
Every other week.
Every other ****.

You say "you know
I'm not usually like this"
You say "it's only a
One time thing"

But how many people
Can be a one time thing

Until it just piles up into a
Blur
Of one night stands?

Until people realize
You don't have a dad
-Not a real one.

Until they see what holds
You together is string
Tied to the boys you ****

Until they see the hole
You have that nothing can fill.

Nothing can fill it.
Not friendship.
Not love.

You, my dear, are lost.
And more alone than you've
Ever been.

And I will not let you
Swallow me up into the
Hole you have.

I will no longer try to
Save you.
Only you can save you.

And it hurts you to be good.
And it feels good to be bad.

I know you, girl.
I know you, woman.
I know you.
And I know
How you are.

Good luck.
And good bye.

Either it's wrong
Or it's right
I can't see anything
In black
Or white

Where does it all go?
All those memories of sneaking out
And watching your weight?
Of your husband going
Off to a world war?
Those memories
Of loving him?
Of him dying?
What about those memories
Of being all alone, and
Growing old alone?
What about the memory
Of your favorite great grand daughter
Who ÿöü always complimented
On how beautiful they were?
What of her?
What about all the things
She wanted to tell you....
She wanted to confess
And she wanted to confide
But she never did.
And you are gone,
The memories around here
Somewhere.

I have a right to be unhappy.
I'm not complaining
Or being rude.
I'm just upset.
Maybe I shouldn't even be upset.
Maybe I'm being too ungrateful
Because my sixteenth birthday
Is a ******* joke.
Happy sweet sixteen, Lindsey.
Oh, by the way,
All that stuff I promised?
Yeah, it's not happening.
Hope you don't mind I told you
Two days in advance.

Whatever.

They say breaking
up is the hardest part.
It isn't if you don't care.

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU.

The worst thing about school is that you cant excape it. You can't break down, or cry. Cause then you look crazy. Emotional. Because nobody knows that you never eat and you are lost in sadness, nobody cares if you lost a lover or if you're hated for no reason. Nobody gives a ****.

I don't have a perfect smile
With pearly straight teeth
I don't have volumious hair
That cascades over my shoulders
I don't have long lashes
That naturally bat themselves
I don't have smooth flawless skin
That people can't stop touching
I don't have slender arms
I don't have skinny legs
I don't have soft cheeks
I don't have small fingers.

But I do have a smile
That brightens peoples days.
I do have long blond hair that
Reaches my waist.
I do have eyes that can smile
And pull anyone in with a look
I do have naturally warm skin
That is inviting to people
I do have muscular arms
I have ropey legs
I have warm red cheeks
And small warm hands to match.

I promise to hold you while you sleep
And listen to your favorite songs
I will always run my fingers
Through your hair and
Find a way to make you laugh.

I will love you with every fiber of my
Imperfect being,
If you let me.

It's been a month-
Do you love him?

....

How could I?
How am I even alive without being with her?

Five months, lindsey.
Five. You should be over this by now.

....

Give me a couple weeks.
No, months.
No, years.
Give me the best distraction
I've ever seen...
Maybe then. Maybe then
I won't be so lost.

You're hopeless.

....

I know.

I don't know what to do
I'm half a heart without you

I want to pull the trigger
Swallow the bottle
And cut a little deeper.
I don't want to be on earth.
But I don't want to be in
Heaven or hell either.
I just want to be gone gone gone.
Stuck in an
eternal dreamless Sleep
With nobody
And nothing

I'm high so high
Up in the sky
In big clouds of white

He likes it when I arch my back
And ask him to give me more
He likes it when I gag on him
And shove down even more
He likes it when I bite my lip
And tease him a little more
He likes it when I cry silently
And don't open up to him any more.

I can tell in the way
He writes his words
And waits for me to message him first
It's in the way he's liked me
Since 7th grade
And how after 8th
He never kept the chase.
i don't want to lose you
Only ten days in
And that's his desperate cry
im right here
I say, and imagine
His head in my lap
And me stroking
His hair and I see what he is--
Lost and broken,
Unsure of me.
His only worry
Is that I'll forever leave.

We sit together
On a bridge that goes over a river
From the mountains
At 11pm at night.
She chain smoked her whole
Pack of camels
And we are still in
Our dresses.
I can tell she wants to cry
But it's the kind of sadness
That doesn't let you cry,
It just let's you crumble.
And I look up
At the sky
Wearing her necklace
And the stars are out,
It's beautifully dark
And the rushing water
Roars in my ears.
Her heartbreaker
Sits in the backseat
Of her car,
Asking a midnight
Spur of the moment lover
To come pick her up.
All I want to do is scream.

Dear god
Please tell me how to make it all go away without having to put a bullet in my brain.

I find myself thinking of
Him
How he still loves me
And how Rays dad
Stepped on Rays foot
And threw Rays phone
Across the room
And how broken feet
And cracked screens
Don't compare to
His heart.

I love the feeling of her hair
When it's wrapped in my fingers
And I love the look in her eyes
After we just kissed,
I love her laugh
When I tickle her
And I love her face
When she is staring off into space.
I love the fact she is embarrassed
About her perfect ****
And hides her face when I see it
I love every curve
Underneath my hands
And I love kissing a spot on
Her neck cause it gives her shivers...
I love her.

How many times
Can a heart be broken?
When will I feel loved?
When will she stop hurting me?

Its simply very easy.
Kiss them.
Hold them.
Make them feel safe.
Loved.
Wanted.

Then leave them.

Don't call them.
Don't text them.

Then show up out of the blue
With an
"I still love you"
On the tip of your tongue
With another girls Hickeys
Necklaced on your neck.

Keep your distance.
Call them late at night.
Fall asleep on the phone
To them.

Give them hope.
Remind them that
They
Haven't
Moved
On
At
All.

It feels like
I've been alone for years
And she is so beautiful
It hurts.