You called me again at 2:30 am.
I don't know what to make of it.
That was about two days ago.
You apologized and
Never texted me back.

Do you only think of me when you
Can't sleep?

Its 8:11 am and I haven't slept yet.
I thought I was done crying
Over you, but apparently not.

I'm in the bathrobe you got me.
Its the only thing I'm wearing.
And I'm crying.

I still think of you every day.
I still miss you every day.
If someone brings you up
My heart crumples
A little more
Every
Day.

And I don't know what to do about it.

I started smoking regularly.
I started sleeping until 2 or 3pm.
I started not being able to fall asleep until 5/6am.
I ****** a complete stranger.
He left me more empty
Than anything.
I thought of you.
That it was you.

****** up, huh?
I helped Austin cheat.
We sent nudes back and forth.
I don't know why.
His girlfriend still doesn't know
The full extent of it.

****** up, huh?
I wish I was with you still.
I don't know why.
I wish I was over you.
I wish I could wake up
And have a whole day where
Someone could say "khayllia"
And I wouldn't cringe
And my heart wouldn't hurt.
But that day hasn't come yet.
I'm so lost.
Not because you left me.
But because you left me alone.

You don't talk to me. And I wish you would.
When you left I didn't just lose a girlfriend. I lost a friend. I don't know what to do or what to say or how to say it.
There's no easy way out of this.

You have killed off
Every care but one;
You.

I just don't give a ****.
I'm tired.
Too tired to care.

Hearing your name,
Seeing it,
Twists my heart
Like a washcloth
And my will to live drips out
Of
It.

I'm too tired to drink about it.
Talk about it.
Smoke about it.
Cry about it.

I'm not on a self destructive path.
I'm just on an empty road,
With no curves or trees.

But life is what you make it,
Yet I'm afraid I can't make it
Without you

You can scream and cry
And wish for them back.
You can **** other people
Imagining its them instead.
You can wear their favorite cologne
And fall asleep with the stuffed
Hippo they got you.
You can re read every text,
Letter, and card.
You can wrap yourself
In the clothes they left you.
You can lost yourself in someone
Else's skin,
And try to forget its
Someone else.

Because nothing, nothing
Is going to bring them back.

And all you can do is be stuck in
The past.

Its simply very easy.
Kiss them.
Hold them.
Make them feel safe.
Loved.
Wanted.

Then leave them.

Don't call them.
Don't text them.

Then show up out of the blue
With an
"I still love you"
On the tip of your tongue
With another girls Hickeys
Necklaced on your neck.

Keep your distance.
Call them late at night.
Fall asleep on the phone
To them.

Give them hope.
Remind them that
They
Haven't
Moved
On
At
All.

I am all alone.
Nobody to talk to.
Nobody to understand.

I feel it again,
Feel myself shrinking back
Until I'm a shell.
Until the only thing I can feel
Is my heart painfully beating.

Its like my own body wants to die.
Its never hungry.
My smile is mechanical.
I'm simply playing a role
Instead of living my life.

Khayllia, I've turned into you.
I'm not happy with anything too.

You're completely unforgettable
Completely

       Unforgivable

You're the last straw
On my camels back

And my knees have buckled.

Oh Darlin',
You promised not to break my heart.
You promised to love me now and forever.

Too bad that love is a lying *****.
And so are you.

Things you told me that were lies:
• I love you
• you're the one.
• I want to spend forever with you.
• the thought of touching someone else makes me sick to my stomach.
• I'll never leave you.
• you are so beautiful.

Oh baby,
You wouldn't,
You couldn't
Know love if it slapped you in the face.

Don't you know that
Moving on a week later
Hurts the person you
'Love'?

Well. Thank you.
For reminding me.
Reminding me of
How I'll never be good enough.
So why even try.

Oh Khayllia--
Isn't she just so beautiful?
So new.
Her cute curly hair
And her dimples when she smiles.

I bet it feels so good
Knowing you make her feel special.

She's so short.
Her eye brows plucked to
Perfection.
She is sweet.

I can see why you
Pulled her in.

You're such a snake.
I wonder how long it'll
Take you to get bored with her.
I wonder how much
It'll hurt her.

Love is such *******.
One day you're minding your own business
Then Bam!
You get a good look at them.
And your heart is setting fire
To the rest of your body.
Then you get to know what
Their kisses feel like
(Heaven on earth).
Get to know how they breathe
When they sleep.
How they eat.
How it feels when they touch you.
Make love to you.

You get comfortable in your love.
Confident.

Then you feel them pull away
And the fire is quenched by
A million gallons of salty water
And you're drowning.
You have to cry out all
The water to even get a good breath.
You're drowning and every time
You see them now
You pull deeper
Into the ocean you've created,
Sinking.

Sinking until you've reached the bottom of it
And you can't tell
Which way is up or down
Because you're living
In darkness for days.
Weeks.
Months.

And anyone that talks to you
Is on the surface,
Its all muffled.
You can barely hear them.

After six to twelve months,
The water begins to drain
And you can breathe again.
But the sky is gray
And your lungs are scarred.
And your heart is praying
To please not let it happen again.
Youve learned your lesson.
And love *****.

I know you don't want me
Because let's be honest who would

But please don't leave me
I love you so much this was supposed to be us against the world
You told me I was your forever
Now I'm just your ex

And I can't stand being it
I can't even think that I
Will never get to kiss you again
Or hold you or
Hold your hand
Or go to the movies with you
Or massage your hair

I can't think of you not being mine
Forever

Without wanting to puke up all the anxiety I'm having without you.

I'm so desperate for you.
I can't believe those words you said
Were lies.

I love you.
Can't that be enough?

You left me
With very few words
Said.
No fights,
No falling out,
Just a soft thud
Of a heart falling
To my feet.

It feels so good to talk
To you now.
Like I can breathe again.
Just fresh air full of
Khaylliakhaylliakhayllia
Until I have to go
And my lungs cramp up
And tears threaten to spill.

You say you're empty inside.
I say you were the last thing
That could ever keep me full.

He looked at the cuts on my leg and
Quit talking.
I could feel him staring.

Are those because of...her?

I nodded. And felt shame.

Stupid. I know.  I shouldn't have done it. I muttered.

He shook his head, told me
It wasn't stupid.
He smiled.

I've got some pretty gnarly ones too.

He lifted up his shirt and across his left pectoral were three or four deep white scars.

If people ask I just say a dog attacked me or something. Nobody really knows...

I nodded. Understanding.

Later on that night I
Kissed his scars above his heart.
I heard him sigh
And I fell asleep
Wrapped in his arms.

I thought you cared about me.
I thought you loved me.
I thought you wanted this to be a forever
Kind
Of
Thing.

Now I know it was all a lie.
You and Sam are
"Together but not together"
So I'm letting you go.

I've been hurt before.
Just stop lying and own up to
What you do.

You don't care enough about me.
Its all about her now.
She is new, exciting,
Shiny.
My body is boring now.

Whatever.

I don't have a perfect smile
With pearly straight teeth
I don't have volumious hair
That cascades over my shoulders
I don't have long lashes
That naturally bat themselves
I don't have smooth flawless skin
That people can't stop touching
I don't have slender arms
I don't have skinny legs
I don't have soft cheeks
I don't have small fingers.

But I do have a smile
That brightens peoples days.
I do have long blond hair that
Reaches my waist.
I do have eyes that can smile
And pull anyone in with a look
I do have naturally warm skin
That is inviting to people
I do have muscular arms
I have ropey legs
I have warm red cheeks
And small warm hands to match.

I promise to hold you while you sleep
And listen to your favorite songs
I will always run my fingers
Through your hair and
Find a way to make you laugh.

I will love you with every fiber of my
Imperfect being,
If you let me.

No, I'm not okay.
No, I'm not happier without you.

I just want to be with you.
Only you.
I love you.

You are worth more than every star
That has ever existed,
I want you more than the air I
Breathe through my lungs.

Your smile is worth more than a
Billion of mine.
One of your kisses better than
All past lovers' kisses combined.

I love you so much, it keeps
Me up at night
Knowing I cannot be yours anymore.
I toss and turn,
Waiting for a bleak sleep
To come so I can wake up
And start my bleak day.

I love you. I'm sorry you weren't and aren't happy with me. I'm sorry I kissed Tracy Saturday.
Even though we are broken up, it still felt like I was cheating. You were still mad.
I just...needed to feel something that wasn't ******* pain.
It wasn't that good. I wasn't trying to make you jealous. If I was, I certainly would have told you the second it happened.
But I am sorry you had to find out through other people.
I can't seem to let you go. I love you so **** much. All I can do is cry and throw up. I tried cutting myself. Four cuts on my leg and I couldn't bring myself to keep on going. What a ***** I am.
If you go to prom it'll be so heartbreaking. Both of us in our navy blue, but dancing separately.
I don't know if I'll be able to stand it.
I think I'll need a drink or two this Saturday.
I just miss you so ******* much. You were (are) my world.
I was so sure of you. I'm so stupid. So trusting, even after everything that happened. I wish you knew how much longer this "time alone" would take for you, because it's driving me out of my mind.

Now ladies and gentlemen, an all too familiar tale of a broken hearted girl who ****** up....

Jump in a window, land on a bed.
Kick off boots, grab a bottle
Of raspberry-or watermelon-*****.
Drink it like its water.
Can't believe I saw her...
Can't believe I didn't kiss her.
No she doesn't want that

No she doesn't want you
And she doesn't know what she wants.
But I do.
And I can't have it...

So I keep on drinking and
Wash three Ritalin down.
The room is spinning,
There was never a rush of Ritalin,
Probably because I was drunk.

It snuck up, giving me drunk
Never-ending energy.
And amazing dancing abilities.

"Come, dance on Sammy Lindsey get it"
"Lindsey I want a lap dance"

Grinding bodies everywhere, laughter
And bass booming through our skulls.
Hours passed.
Hours passed.
Hours passed.
Without sleep.


Now, I have been awake since 7am Saturday.
It's 1am Monday.
**Ive been up for 42 hours

I knew it was too good
To be true.
How could somebody like me
Deserve someone like you?
I now see I have worn
You to the bone,
Your eyes dim where
They once shone.
I'm to selfish and
I'm too greedy
To let you go because
I'm just that needy.
I'll hold onto you
Until you push me away
And even then I'll
Unevenly whisper "stay".

Your beautiful blue eyes
Once holding fathomless love
Now show I'm not at all
What you dreamed of.

How could I be as good
As you thought?
Now you can see all I have
Inside me is rot.

Kissing me leaves your
Tongue bitter,
And all you can think of is
"I've got to quit her."

Its okay,
I understand.
I'll always fall asleep
Holding my own hand.

You changed into something
Harder,
Something
Colder.

Something
     Almost
                  Out
                          Of
                                Reach.

I still cling to you
But it gets harder for you
To answer my texts
And to pick up the phone
Every day.

I still need you
But it gets harder for you
To kiss me back
And need me too.

You, you are not all there.
I am wearisome.

And I have worn you down
To the bone.

I feel my life
Moving on without me
Because I'm stuck in the past
In stuck on the way she kissed me
I'm stuck on the way he held me

Im stuck in the way she left me
Im stuck in the way he criticized me

Help me I'm so stuck
I'm drowning in my emotions
And Khayllia is my sinking lifeboat

12-14: Jacob Harris.
14-16: Mykayla Bradshaw.
16: Raymond Crawford.
16: Gin Berry.
16: Mickaela Maxwell.
17-present: Khayllia Harrell.

I gave Jacob my Innocence.
I gave Mykayla my Trust.
I gave Ray my Self-esteem.
I gave Gin my Confidence.
I gave **** my Hope.
I am giving Khayllia my Brokenness.

Sometimes
I dont even want to live
Each breath hurts my lungs
Labored and uneasy

And some days
I can feel my heart
Shrinking and
Turning into stone

I remember bursting
With life to the point
I felt I was going to
Tear out of my own skin

Now I feel I've shrunk
To my lungs and hurting heart
Because that's all I can feel

I had to physically and
Emotionally rip myself away from you.

I knew you were trouble
In the back of my mind

The first time I said I love you too
You kept on walking
And didn't stop.

The last time I said I love you too...
I can't even remember it.

I remember forcing myself
To date someone else
To stay away from you.

I remember you holding me
A week later as I cried
For the death of our love.

You sat there and I almost kissed you.
Our lips were touching.
But they never puckered.

I could feel her all over you.
It made me sick to my stomach
For months.

I'd get weak, hate my rebound.
Text you.
I don't think you ever knew
How much I needed you.

How much I wasn't over you.

Which is okay. Your rebound
Turned out to be the love of
Your life and your gateway drug.

Have fun dreaming of a better life
And forgetting about anything
Once your mouth connects with
A **** pipe,

You ***** lying selfish *****.

I hate the way I write.
The way I smile and laugh.
I hate my arms.
I hate my legs.

I think about tracing
My stretch marks with a razor
Because I'd rather have scars
Than stretch marks.

I think about scrubbing my back
Until it bleeds and my skin
Is down to its last layer.

I think about not eating
Until my stomach is
So empty all the air in it
Is what keeps me standing.

I think about the new me I could
Invent
With a more alluring look
And sure walk.

When I look in the mirror
All I see is fatfatfatfatfat.
Spilling over my jeans.
Resting on my thighs
When I sit.
Sitting underneath my chin
When I smile.

My upper arms are full of fat.
My shoulders as well.
I'm hunched over.

Crouching.

Embarrassed.

(K- if you are reading this, I'd suggest stopping.)


I remember being with Mykayla and just feeling happy. Her laugh made me laugh. Her tears made me cry. Her skin was my skin. I know I talk about the bad times a lot, but 80% of our relationship was blissfully good. She was family. She could've been the one. She was my first, and I wanted nothing more than for her to be my last. We got so comfortable in our relation ship. It was like we were married. Our bond was so strong. We'd **** burp *** and **** in front of each other. We'd yell and fight and cry and fall asleep together all the same. No matter how bad it got, I knew it'd be worse once me and M broke up.

I was so sure of her and I.

Just like I'm so sure of you and I.

I'm not comparing you two, because I love you so **** much. You are worth more than a million billion trillion quadrillion mykaylas.

I can't afford to lose you. I need you so much it hurts. Please remember this. I cant lose you. If I do? I'm ******.

I feel like I belong with you.

And I hope you feel the same way.

Because if I felt that lost with a girl who
Soon got addicted to **** and failed
High school,
I cannot imagine how lost I will be when I lose my blond haired blue eyed girl.

I'm gonna be one sad girl if this ever ends.

When we were 12
I got my first pair of shorter shorts
When I went over to your house
I wasn't allowed to wear them
Unless it was to sleep

You were always jealous.
I was rail thin.
You were chubby,
But had less ***** than me.

I had no responsibities
You had school soccer
Volleyball summer jobs
And raising your three
Other siblings.

Soon you quit eating
And thinned out until
Your ribs peeked out
We sat on the bus
I showed you my scars on my arms
And you whispered
"I put a knife to my stomach
But was too scared to push in"

Then we were juniors
You gave blow jobs to
Your ****** boyfriend
While I slept.

Your blonde hair and blue eyes
Looked so innocent it hurt.

You lost your virginity.
Fell out of love.
You talked about going to
Arizona for College.
That I should go with you.
By now I was failing half my classes
And going to parties on the weekends.

You met other boys
Slept with one who broke your heart
And ran back to your
First love.
He willingly took you.

Then we were seniors.
You complained about him.
About how small his **** was.
How he treated you.
How selfish he was.
How he's a super senior that'll
Be twenty one next year.
He's a baker at Carr's.
I think you secretly hate him.

You say no more to Arizona.
You say yes to
University of Anchorage Alaska.
Its an hour drive away.
You say you're spending
Your college years living
With your grandma instead of
Living on campus.

Your parents dig themselves
Into you and live through
You. Your perfection.

You are a settler.
And I feel you'll be that way
Your entire life.

I miss screaming and fighting
And kissing in the rain,
Its two am and I'm cursing your name,
I'm so in love that I
Act insane,
And that's the way I loved you.
Were breaking down and coming undone
Its a rollercoaster
Kind of rush
And I never knew I could feel
That much
And that's the way I loved you.

I know how you feel.
I know what you feel.

The front you put on is the biggest
Crime you could ever commit.

Your makeup, clothes, and hair
Hide your cracks.

Your laugh,
Your forever immaturity.

Your 'forever young
Wild and free.'

I see through it.
I see through every hook up
You have
A week long noncommittal
Relationship.
Every other week.
Every other ****.

You say "you know
I'm not usually like this"
You say "it's only a
One time thing"

But how many people
Can be a one time thing

Until it just piles up into a
Blur
Of one night stands?

Until people realize
You don't have a dad
-Not a real one.

Until they see what holds
You together is string
Tied to the boys you ****

Until they see the hole
You have that nothing can fill.

Nothing can fill it.
Not friendship.
Not love.

You, my dear, are lost.
And more alone than you've
Ever been.

And I will not let you
Swallow me up into the
Hole you have.

I will no longer try to
Save you.
Only you can save you.

And it hurts you to be good.
And it feels good to be bad.

I know you, girl.
I know you, woman.
I know you.
And I know
How you are.

Good luck.
And good bye.

Oh baby I can tell
You've got that self destructive
Streak in you

You like to drink hard liquor
Without any chasers
Smoke too many cigarettes
And dip if you're offered
You'll try any drug
At least once
But marijuana and Molly
Are your favorites.

Staying sober isn't on your agenda
Because when you're intoxicated
Life is a blur, a movie

Your tumblr is littered
With too skinny girls
Who you wished you looked like
And pictures of
******* **** and *****
Are every other repost
And inbetween them are soft little
Poems about being alone
Or being in love

And you've never felt so empty

The burn of the alcohol
Is burning all my memories
Away

Into my room and out the window
Little pictures on fire
Smoke in my lungs
Crying softly
Begging the emptiness
To come and take it all away

Don't be in dysfunctional abusive
Relationships that make you
Cry and cut and hate
Yourself and everything.

Don't.

You deserve so much better.
Trust me.*

Because I understand
And if she hadn't of left me
I would still be in torment
Believing it was better
Than not being with her at all.

*Don't let the
Should've been the one
Get in the way of
The true one.

We have been best friends since I was 12. That means we have been friends for almost 6 years. And while I have changed greatly, it seems you haven't changed a bit. Except now you like to have *** and drink, snort Molly and smoke ****. I have never pretended to be your friend because being your friend is like breathing air. It comes so easily. I fit into it so well. We both do. We know exactly how to act around eachother and what to say. I buy you food, clothes, and we have had our fair share of matching and trading outfits. Remember in eighth grade when we traded wardrobes? You came to school all girly and I came all goth? It was crazy. Or when we snuck out for the first time and we were soooo loud? I have no idea how we didn't get caught. Or you doing my eyeliner because I ****** at it. I remember the hole in your wall you covered with a heart. I remember everything. We used to never fight, we were so close people swore up and down we were lesbian for each other. Then we got broken a few times. Good times became getting high with Naomi on the dock or sneaking out to parties. (Like that one time we fought at autumns). We had been through so much. We slept better with each other than without. Then....something happened. I don't know what. After ****, then Stone....I just couldn't. Anymore. But the love was still there. It still is there. But it just doesn't feel the same. That's why I've asked to not be friends anymore.

The truth is
Always hard to swallow
Like a chip scraping
Down your throat
As your choking

Like inhaling water into
Your lungs

Like taking your fifth
Shot of whiskey

The truth is always
A little hard to swallow

Like swallowing your spit
With that lump in your throat

And once you swallow the truth
It sits in your stomach

Like swallowed cigarette
Smoke

Like swallowed throw up
From the back of your throat

It sits in your stomach
So unpleasantly

You grimace as long as it's there.

Always remember to be
With someone who
Just wants you to be

Happy.

But I guess that's it
In the end
None of it ******* matters

Humans are rocks
And time are the oceans
All our experiences
Will be whittled down to sand;
Pliable minuscule pebbles
To be stepped upon
By greater things.

Where you touch
It burns
I never understood
How people could
Get high off of kisses
Until my lips met yours

And My eyes
Have never met
Such naked ****** perfection
Until you layed still
As I ran my hands up and down
Your stomach hips and thighs

Stay down
Let her tears
Roll down her cheeks

Don't wipe them away
She needs to feel the pain
To realize she is not okay

People in love happy and healthy
Can still be broken inside
Just because she can smile
Doesn't mean she can't cry

I just don't want to be around her.
She makes me so uncomfortable.
My body has physically been wrecked
My heart has been smeared
All over my shower walls
Because of her.
Seeing her makes me go
Into
Fight or flight mode
Just because the hurt
Put me there.
It's instinct.

She grabs me by my hair
And pushes me face down onto the bed, running her hands
Up and down my thighs and ***,
Grabbing and massaging.

Pull down your pants
She says, eerily calm
So I pull them down
She helps me, then slides her
Hands back up my thighs
And ***.

Slap
I flinch, feeling my
Right cheek tingle
And then suddenly she does
It again.

It becomes a rhythm,
Then she grabs me by
My hair and yanks my head up,
My breathing heavy and
Almost pained

You will say again before
Every time I spank you.
You will say thank you after
Every time I spank you.
Do you understand?
She says, her voice low
And heavy in my ear.
Yes I breathe
Yes What? grabbing
My hair harder
Yes...again I moan
Slap
Thank you
Again
Slap
Thank you
*Again

8:46 am*

I'm lying awake
Right now and I
Can't tell
If you're pretending to sleep
Thinking
There's no way in hell
I'm waking up right now
I think my want
For you woke me
Cause I woke up
And suddenly I needed you
Needed you like the
Clingy ***** I am
Needed you rocking in
And out of me
Telling me you loved me

I'm so warm because
Of this fire you have
Built
In my heart
My head
My thighs
And fingertips

She was like a fine wine*

Too bad it spilled down the
Kitchen sink,
along with
A handful of pills from her
Mothers medicine cabinet

If she was a fine wine,
Why did they drink her like
Cheap *****?

*And smashed the bottle
Against their exes windshield

Her eyes
Are a mixture
Of gray and blue
And her fingers
Whisper the way
Leaves on trees do

I'm laying down
With my head on her chest
As I write this
And her heartbeat is
Thumping steadily
In my ear,
Her breathing even
And slow.

And those three words
Get caught in my throat
Every time I
Look in her eyes

So I read to you until you
Fall asleep
Over the phone at 12 am
Because nothing
Is more beautiful
Than you

You weren't good for me
The way a cigarette isn't good for anyone

I wanted to **** you in
And breathe you out slow
Use you up
Until all you were was trash

But surprise
In the end
You drug me down with you
And now I've got
To go to the doctors
For all these new scars
I've got on my legs
To match the marks you left
On my lungs

Laying in my bed
Full of disappointment
At 10:24 pm
Cause you were supposed to
Be here next to me
But instead you're out
With a bottle on your lips
And powder around your nose

I knew you'd be bad for me
But ****

And the thing was
I was falling so hard for you
I had jumped off the cliff
Hoping you would catch me
At the bottom

I wore
Your necklace of hickeys
Around my neck

But once I saw the ground
And realized you weren't there
The necklace turned into a noose
And tightened right before
I hit the ground

My last thought was
How relieved I was you caught me
Even if if wasn't in the way
I wanted

Funny how
I went from
Church every Sunday
And kissing boys
Only happened a week
After I started dating them

Strange how now
I haven't gone
To church in months
And how
Me and my best friend
Take turns
Giving the same boy
A ******* on the way home
From another party
After getting drunk
And fighting another girl together

Baby I know
I'm a sad existence
I'm a sip of cold coffee
At 9am
I'm the coupons
Stuffed in your purse
For 10% off at the hardware store
Down the block where you grew up

****** I know
That I'm a mediocre drawing
On computer paper
Made by some freshman
Who thinks they're good
At everything
I'm a car that leaks oil
And I'm a blanket
That isn't quite warm enough