daniellaap

daniellaap Nov 2018

numb

everyday i want to say goodbye
instead of hello, bonjour, hi
everyday i want to seclude myself
instead of escaping this shelf

as i mingle with other people,
i see myself laughing,
laughing without feelings,
smiling with a heavy heart

i thought i healed, i succeeded,
this thorn pierced on my chest,
but it was all a lie,
i was anesthetized with illusions

what i always thought,
what i always felt;
all this time, i wasted,
to feel what i had to for myself

this may seem to be a very confusing poem. might have some errors in writing this but i hope that you guys can get something from it. i just feel so numb today.

#illusion #confusion #feelings #numb #leave #me #be #even #for #today

daniellaap Oct 2018

time is gold

time is precious
it is something you can't buy,
you can't beg,
you can't simply give

time is precious
don't waste it with the wrong people

#time #treasure

daniellaap Oct 2018

anxiety

i want to walk away from people,
to go to places, to pick up pebbles
to do the things
i wanna do,
i wanna learn,
i wanna achieve

i don't blame anyone but myself
for the things I have felt
throughout my life,
everyday,
every regret,
every dismay

all these what ifs
kept me puzzled overtime
kept me awake until my eyes droop
the next morning,
the next struggle,
the next challenge

i have never tasted rest
since it started to grow in me
it's a never ending battle
between mind and body,
wants and needs
aspirations and responsibilities
me versus me

#socialanxiety #anxiety #battle #life

Oct 2018

Chloe

Depression Is...

Like an old friend inviting you to come inside.
Familiar. Comforting.
It will grasp you in its arms and hold you close;
And when you're ready to leave, it wont let you go.
You will beg and plead to be happy,
and it will put up a fight.
It will make you think that the only way to escape it is to take your own life.
If you are lucky, you can break free;
and it will sit and watch you from afar.
Calling your name.
Welcoming you back into it's arms.
It will intrude your thoughts.
Make you think you are worthless.
That you're better off dead.
Just keep telling yourself that it's all in your head.
Keep moving. You will get far.
Depression is not who you are.

DISCLAIMER: This is only from my personal point of view and how my battle with depression has been. Even though I am trying to recover, the battle gets very difficult for me sometimes and I have to remind myself that I am not my mental illness. My mental illness does not define me.

#depression #mental #illness #bipolar #bpd #recovery #struggles

daniellaap Oct 2018

who?

were there times when you feel so worthless?
when you feel so bad about yourself then suddenly you thought,
that you were everyone's villain?

were there times you feel so down
you thought everyone's talking about you,
about how vulnerable you are
at that moment?

were there times you wished you were somebody else,
somebody you always wanted to be,
always inside your walls
that won't break down built from confidence?

were there times that you wan't to be a superhuman
that of which can read one's thoughts
thoughts and insights about you,
and how you were in other people's view?

most of the time,
i want to know thy self,
make some spare time,
so that I can fix myself
it won't hurt, right?
they wouldn't mind, right?

#search #self #knowing #confusion #hurt #pain #time #worth

daniellaap Oct 2018

versus

currently in a battle with a dream
I have not expected to be this hard,
to be this complicated & mind-wrecking
until I realized, I'm trapped

trapped inside a prison cell
fighting for glory without strength, without drive
I'm beginning to feel my flesh, my soul
gradually turning black, burning down

this is not what I wanted, what I wished for
maybe this is not for me
i'm failing, falling too many times,
too tired to get up again and again

years passed, this is the last
I wonder if I am to escape atlast
before the time ticks too fast,
that I'll perish into bones and pass

#battle #dream #prison #failure #fall #dilemma #decision #wrecked