I think I've been changing for some time now
growing,
shaping,
learning.
I think that maybe I am new
a new heart,
a new mind.
I am healing and
I
have
been
healed.

Go away.
From my heart,
from my soul,
from my head.

Leave me, please.
Take the memories.
Take the pain.
Take it all.

I don’t want to have your smile memorized.
I don’t want your eye color to be my favorite color.
I don’t want you.
I can’t want you.
I need you gone.

You don’t even know it,
you have this suffocating grasp on my life.
On me.
I can’t breathe here.
Because you’re so close,
so far away.

I should hate you.
I want to hate you.
I can’t though,
my heart won’t let me.

If you ever loved me, let me go.
Let me go
let me go
let me go.

Release me from this suffering,
release me from needing to know you’re okay,
release me from needing to check in on you,
release me from being more worried about you than myself.

****.
****.
****.
Just put me out of my misery.

And I clawed at my skin
Till it was ******, raw.
I pushed, pinched,
Dug my nails in,
Just looking for the red beneath,
While my hands shook
And the tears slipped down my cheeks,
I tore my own flesh apart.

Maybe I should have been better,
Maybe I can be better,
But I wasn't better,
And now we all suffer.

Grateful for you
That's what I am
Blissfully unaware of how hard it must be for you to love me
With my irrational moods
And my seething rage
And my hastiness to say that you're wrong
I'm a ******* nightmare
I don't know what it is that makes you want to stay
Maybe you were cursed to love a girl so intolerable
So intolerable that everyone else in her life leaves

Maybe that's why you stay
You see how few people can even stand me
And you've taken it upon yourself to stand me
And stand me for the long haul
Because you look in my eyes and you tell me you love me,
That you want me,
That you need me.
And I can see it's the truth.

But sometimes I pity you
And I wish I were strong enough to sever the connection
To protect you from further torture of loving me
But I'm far too weak to let you go
And I'm far too selfish to think of you over me

But I want to say that I'm sorry
For all the moods I go through in a day
And all the stress I must cause you

But if it's any consolation,
I love you from the very bottom of my heart
And you are the most important thing in my world
And if I could change myself,
Become more tolerable,
More lovable,
I would for you.

There's no room left
No more room for all
this ******* trauma and pain
no more time for
taking shaky breathes
no more love for people who don't love me back.
No more
because feeling like I'm drowning
Every God ****** day of my life
isn't how I want to live
not anymore.

So I'm gonna step back
and assess this shitpile of a situation
and then leave it
and leave you
because I want to feel like I can breathe again
and you're just holding me under the water

Seeing him causes a pain so acute in my chest I fear that my heart might burst
Seeing him causes a rush of memories that used to be happy but now are filled with regret
Seeing him makes me wonder if I'm a bad person or if it's him
Or maybe it's neither of us at all
Maybe we are just two different types of broken
The types of broken that cannot quite understand each other
Because they are far too broken in their own ways to see anyone else's pain
But I can see his pain
Can he see mine?

A boy who used to be one of the select few people I trust
Gave me more reasons not to trust people
And assume that everyone leaves once they've taken from you what they wanted
Once they've gotten your trust
Once they've gotten your secrets
Once they've gotten your adoration
They find the escape hatch
They reach for the rip chord
And they leave.

I've often felt that people left me for good reason
I'm too loud
And I'm not all that smart
And I'm irritatingly full of love
Full of so much love for anyone who needs it
But when someone leaves I decide I love too much
I push too much
I'm too open, too trusting

Every person
Every single one
Has caused a need in me
To build up walls
To build up an incredible fortress
Because if anymore scar tissue were to cover my heart
I'm positive it would just stop

But it should have stopped with him then I suppose
Because the amount of pain he has caused
With every scornful glance
And every part of a friendship twisted and snapped
Maybe my fortress will be impenetrable now though
Maybe I'll be stronger

But I don't feel stronger
I feel broken
And hurt
And a special sort of lost
Because I know exactly where I am
But it's not at all where I thought I'd be

Is it possible to love with every part of a shattered heart?

My lips are raw
My hair is a mess
My head is swimming
But kissing you is just too good.

The dead are forgotten
Not completely, just partially
We forget all the little things
Like how they ****** us off
Or how they broke our hearts
Or how they made us hate them at times
We only remember how perfect they were
We only remember the good
So we can feel guilty for not seeing them every day
Or not giving them one last hug
Because some reason when you're dead, it makes you deserving
Of love or of sympathy
Because no one wants to hear you say you hate a dead person
Because that's just cruel.

I gasp for air with burnt lungs, a burnt tongue
All of me, everything is crumbling
The skin, my flesh, my bones, it's all falling to pieces
I'm unhealthy, I'm sick
But only in my mind
You can't even see it from the outside
But don't tell me it's not there
Cause I feel the weezing, I feel the cough
Of my mind, my heart, trying to coincide, trying to collide
Trying, just trying to agree for one single moment in time
And everything hurts but it could be worse
Cause maybe I have nightmares but at least I'm not dead.

All that I am
And all I'll ever be
Is the air in my lungs
And the dirt under my feet

I am not original.
I am bits
And I am pieces
Of every person
I've ever met.

I am not original.
I am my mother
And my father.
All the good
And the bad
They put in my genes.

I am not original.
I am my friends.
I am the shows I watch.
I am the music I listen to.
I am the art I love.

I am not original.
I am a compilation
Of everything meaningful in my world.

I am not original.
But it's okay,
Because neither are you.

You are walking, breathing, blinking, speaking poetry.
You are the story I wish I'd been told as a kid.
You are the song that helps me fall asleep.
You are every art form imagined and unimagined.
You are so much more than you think.
And while I know you couldn't possibly know,
how very much I love you,
let me love you.
Because there is no one in this world more deserving of love than you.

I'm a bit of everything you know,
A little broken,
A little strong,
A little weak,
A little wise,
A little dumb,
The only thing I've never been
Is the one.

I like things that are certain.
I like things that are concrete,
and definite, and true, and real.
But then there's you.
There's this feeling I have,
this love I never expected.
And how am I supposed to deal
with a love I never expected to have,
a love I never thought I'd need?
How can I trust myself,
to know its real, to know I'm not
exaggerating some feeling?
But then I look in your eyes,
I look there and find myself,
looking at you with all this love in my face,
all this love, that I never thought I'd have for you.
And I know that maybe it's not concrete,
but I'm certain that I love you,
more than I ever knew
I was capable of.

One day I had been broken
I'd been layed down
And covered in dust
And then one day
I was picked up
And brushed off
I'd been found
I'd been *fixed

The nausea rolls in me
Makes me want to collapse
Hit the cold tile with a thud
And maybe find some solace
On the bathroom floor

The cold water crashes into me
Colliding with my raw flesh
Burning, searing, scarring
I wish I had the ability
To faint on command

I dreamt about him last night
He's been gone for almost a year now
But he's there in my dreams
He never opens his eyes
Except when I'm there
The first few dreams were nightmares
But it's gotten better now
Only a little bit

There are these little bits of him
That bring me back
Sometimes I feel miles away
And then I hear his voice
And in an instant
I feel I'm home again
He's my person
And it's silly to believe in true love
But I love him
And I hope it's true
Because his voice brings me back
From miles away

You tied a knot in my stomach
And left it for me to untie
But your nimble fingers tied it too tight
And I can't quite get it undone

I genuinely believe
That God only puts us through
What we can handle
But then again
I also believe
That He has overestimated
My strength
Or mistaken me
For someone stronger

Falling asleep with uneven breath
So caught up in the burn of living
I'd wish for you to be here
If I knew you could actually appear
Sleep is my new religion

Burning, burning.
Light a fire
Under my skin,
In my veins.
I'll light up,
A blazing burn
So bright,
White hot.
Burn me through,
And through,
And through.

Soft pink flesh,
it's been puckered and bitten and kissed,
it's spoken words and kept great silence,
upturned corners, a wide toothy grin
a smile

I know you think I'm dumb,
a silly girl with a simple mind,
a few broken hearts in my past,
and maybe I'll let you get away with anything.

I know you think I'm dumb,
a sad girl with few hopes and dreams,
a train wreck of a life past and present,
and maybe I'll end up like they thought I would.

I know you think I'm dumb,
and maybe I am,
isn't everyone once and a while?

But I know me more than you do,
more than you'll ever hope to,
and I'm not what you think,
I'm a little more and a little less,
and nothing that you've ever known before.

The lights shine in my mirrors,
blinding me a bit,
keeping my attention,
reminding me of a story,
an axe murderer in the back of a girls car,
but I've checked the back seat twice,
and no one was there.

Sometimes, it feels as though I am suffocating
Dying, drowning, being crushed by everything
These moments, though brief they may be, are terrifying
But he takes them away
Pulls me out of this darkness
And drags me back to my sanity, my clarity
How can you tell me to give that up?
How dare you ask of me
To give up the one person
Who keeps me tethered to the rational and the real

His fingers trail along my skin
Raising goosebumps
I sigh as he drags me closer
His breath falling across my cheek
He looks me in the eye and presses his lips to mine
His tongue rasping across my lip
My fingers go to his hair
Pulling him closer
And I'll feel complete
If only for a moment

You make me want to sing
Belt out beautiful words
Straight from my gut
Feel it in my bones
I only wish my voice was nice
Or could impress you in the least

For all the hours in a day I will wonder
I will be scared and feel so much fear
But you are there to save me
From my own dangerous mind
You make me think
Not of what frightens me,
But what sends my heart alight

For as long as I can I'll deny it
I'll say I'm okay,
I'll say anything just so you stop asking
Because I may be a little empty on the inside
But I know it
And maybe one day
I will be okay

His lips are pressed against my neck
And his arms tangled around me
He holds me close against his chest
And I can feel each and every breath he takes
His warmth envelopes me
And I never want to leave this bed
But my eyelids flutter open
Pushing away the dream
And I'm left to my solitude once again

His hands grip my waist
As he pulls me closer
His eyes find mine
With a brief smile on his lips
He leans down to kiss me
And for a moment
With his lips on mine
I'm alive and on fire
His whispered words
'I love you'
Against my lips
Make me pull him closer
Once again

I'm staying in this bed
Till the sun goes back down
I'll lie in these sheets
And wish you were here
Laying next to me
I want to fall asleep
In your arms
And not be afraid
Of the darkness
That surrounds me

The air is cold
Cold enough to bite
At my exposed skin
Burning me a little
Only a little though
The silence in the air
Added to the sound
Of crunching snow under my feet
Is calming
So sweetly calming
It makes up for
The goosebumps

He always does this,
Gets mad, gets scared
Thinks he's ****** up
But he's not
No more than me
No more than you
But he'll analyze himself
Till the sky falls

Loving
Loving
Loving,sweet
Loving you
Loving me
Loving all the world can see
Even though internally
I am broken

Loving
Loving
Loving,sweet
Loving you
Loving me
Loving all the world can see
Even though internally
I am broken

These dreams, they twist me
And turn me inside out
I feel you next to me
I feel your arms
And my eyes flutter open
To my empty bed
How cruel is my own mind
To torture me with dreams of you
But then you dream of me too
This torture was assigned to us both
When we decided to want each other
Love's not as easy as it looks
When miles seperate you
And sweet dreams only make you wake up lonely

He's warm
And his smell clings to my sweater
His hands hold me
His fingers drawing nameless patterns on my skin
And I'm safe right here
While his face is buried in my neck
And he tells me I'm beautiful
In that whispered voice
That let's me know he's serious
And I've never felt more loved
Or more able to love than now

His voice low in my ear
And his arms wrapped around me
His hands holding mine
And the smile I caused
I never thought I could be this close
To having what I wanted.
And he's right here next to me
Wrapping me in his warmth

Am I that easy?
To corrupt, to change,
to turn into something I never intended to be?
Or is my will just weak,
and I am pliable under your strong hands?

What can I say?
What can I do?
Jot down the language
of my life.
I'll scrawl the words that
my heart beats to,
that my brain halts at,
the words that change me,
and you and everyone.
All these words,
I think will save me,
and you and the world.
And everything I know now,
have ever known,
is there,
in front of me,
the only way I can understand.

I write the words
that my heart screams at me at night
in my ever waking sleep
a pen in my hand
and pad at my fingertips
the only remedy
to the sleepless nights
because words can burn and sear and cut
but they calm me, cool me and heal me
like aloe on sunburned skin

I'll write a few words
scribble them down
for no one to see but me

I'll write several words
just to open me up
for my close friends to check

I'll write my whole life
and hope it's alright
for the whole world to judge

And in the very end
I'll sit here wondering
if my poetry changes you
like it always changes me