I dreamt last night
That you filled my inbox
With words of regret.

I woke up thankful
That it was all on my head.

Although last month,
I would've cried,
I no longer wish for you
In my life.

You're not here, but I see you.
You're not here, but I feel you.
You're not here, but I breathe you.
I smell you in the spring flowers on the side of the road.
When walking down the street
I see you in my dreams,
H a u n t i n g me.
I need you, but you're not here.
I'm just hoping & wishing that you breathe me too.

i sit in the still air
that asks nothing of me
only useful because
my body deems it so

the air
not needy
like me

or accusatory
or insinuating my purpose
is to have a purpose
like me

my chemical body
so earthly
changes the air
elemental
powerful
like me

the air does not belong to me
and its purpose is not to serve me
the air understands me
and to be free
in tune with me
just be
is all it seeks
like me

tea that steeps too long
leaves a bitter taste
the very same way
we held on too strong
to something gone
we wasted months

I soaked up
years of your self hatred
and now I am here.

Cavities now rot my teeth,
I spent months trying to sweeten
the tea we let steep
for far too long

I talked about you
like you shaped mountains
as if you had the power to reconstruct
centuries of settled sediment
into something I would lose my breath trying to climb
I spoke about you,
I swore you put the stars in the sky
just for me
but took them as my eyes adjusted to the dark
and I could finally see.
I talked about you
like you were the milk in my morning tea:
just enough to keep it warm
but not hot enough to burn me,
as if you never hurt me,
it's funny.
how I talked about you
like you would move mountains for me,
or build me a galaxy.
I used to love tea,
and now I drink coffee.

You got a call at 7:42,
It was your dad reminding you to drive safely,
the clouds were getting darker, covering cobalt blue skies,
the ones we tried to sit and admire with bare eyes,
but ended up just taking pictures of like we always do.

We captured pearly white clouds and softening sunsets,
the way I feel with my friends is unforgettable,
and even on days where I feel like the pain I feel,
the one that reminds me that I miss you still,
is spreading through my body like a cancer,
one that is too far developed to treat,
I am reminded by the grass beaneath my feet,
that I have this beautiful planet,
I have the sky to myself,
I have clouds that shadow when I've had too much sun,
and trees that cover when the sky comes undone,
and a storm begins to drench us in shame,
and I got a call that was not the same as yours.

I got a call and heard the word "cancer"
and all I could think of was the way the clouds rolled across the sky
becoming greyer as the water continued to rise,
all at once the green grass lost its hue,
and I fell into the Earth
as I was consumed by the thought of losing you.