It's that trembling threshold,
the standpoints in between time
where the seconds line up
one by one,
and the dread...
trickles in with a devilish delight,

so just build a sturdy
enveloping enclosed towering wall,
made with shimmering colors
and the so- called goodness
of your world
make it shine so that
whatever you do, you
won't ever see your reflection,

Pour the state of mind
into the so- called
success of your kind,
your age, your society, your time,
even though it might hurt
to tread on a thousand glistening knives
all the way towards something
you never really cared for,
just do it,

Speak as if with
renewed strength, passion, liveliness,
paint your face beautiful
for the world to see,
although each smile of yours
may cost a thousand diamond night skies
a twinkle in the eye may cost
a fortune of the gods',
give them away to world
as if they had all been free from the start,

why do all this,
why put yourself through this,
because the little girls may see
the value behind raggedy kind dolls
but grownups, the know-it-all(s) don't
and they won't ever be able to get over
the missing buttons,
the lopsided care free smile,
the tangled loose hair,

So put on a show for them,
give them what they want
stitched back up together
stripped of worse
put on display for the world to see,
because the hardest part is not
only changing the world,
but having to change yourself in the process
to even receive recognition from it.

Fragrances of floral bouquets
and fresh cinnamon rolls
waft to and fro in the warm air,
the subtle hues of red and green
that are hinted everywhere,
paired with the little lights
stretched out on strings
that are wrapped around
almost everything,
bring us all home
for the holidays.

transparent seeds
nest in winter hollows
the future reflected
in all-knowing eyes
an internal compass buried
in each golden heart

dappled forest light
on the natal stream
memories of salt
ingrained within
the latent lure
of open ocean

our destinies are silver
a return to clear waters
transformed revenants
glassy-eyed and gasping
on the gravel bed
that birthed us

dear heart
be patient with me as I learn
to love myself
a little more each day
take better care of you

-to be human is to sin

you tell me that good people are everywhere
but where are all these good people
when the facts are screaming
"emergency, emergency"
"alert, alert"
when the facts say
that almost every ******* this planet
has at least once in her life
been touched in a way she didn't consent to
the facts say that most ****** predators
are known to the children
fathers;
fathers have ***** their daughters
while mothers cry silently
because the world does not want to hear
the stories under the blanket
the guilt and the shame
the pain.
the pain.

you say there are good people
show me
show me
that boy who gives to charity
his hand rode up my skirt last week
that girl who prays five times a day
she watched as her boyfriend called me a *****

my five year old cousin knows what it's like to be penetrated

i lost my virginity before i got my period

my best friend doesn't want to be touched because she sees her ******'s face in every man

i was blackmailed by a boy who said he wanted to marry me

my mom;
my mom and i have bonded over
what it feels like
to have
a man inside you
who doesn't
doesn't
belong there

what kind of god wants an empty heaven?
because the kind of people on this earth
the filthy **** who carved their names between my thighs
there are too many
there are too many
men who have done
women who have watched
silent observers
silent thieves
murderers
no one says anything
then they pray to god
but their sins
their sins are on my skin
see me
see me as i burn
see me as i burn
because if these repenters
who have lived their lives
hurting others
who say their grace
then stuff their ***** in my face
if these repenters
are who i will find in heaven
then i do not want to go
i do not want to go
to a heaven with them
i do not want to go
to a paradise
that looks a whole lot like hell

but if god
chooses to not forgive these repenters
then heaven will be empty
because we are sinners
we are all sinners
we ask for forgiveness
then do it again

i have lied
i have cheated
i have wished ill upon another

tell me; am i good person?
was he a good person?
when he ***** me then apologized
when he ***** me then prayed
when he ***** me then cried
and said he made a mistake

when he ***** me
said sorry
and did it again.

if he makes it to heaven
i'll take the other train
if he does not
then none of us will
because our devils are too clean
and our angels too *****

i'm not quite sure if i'm looking for repentance or for revenge
i have done wrong and i have been wronged
is there a place for me in heaven?

what kind of god wants an empty heaven?
what kind of god wants a heaven full of sinners?

where is the god that will love me?

where is the god that will forgive me?