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Kyle Dal Santo Sep 2018
It was a summer of mad mistakes and river crossings
Still young enough to not care about our futures
Yet old enough to know who to blame for our failures
Reckless birthdays, lethal college incursions, weekend exclusives
We stopped searching for answers and began hunting for prizes
In the midst of another wrestling match with the establishment,
We found ourselves stranded out in the heat of summer
And a familiar voice called out from the past
My name echoed across the humidity
I noticed her long legs before anything else, they were hard to miss
Her blond hair shimmered in the tiki torches, her eyes wrapped in black
It was an unexpected reunion, and we did not complain
A plot twist I never imagined, but welcomed with open arms
The kind of surprise I was excited to be surprised about, and I hate surprises
A turn that makes a bad movie suddenly interesting
An antagonist from the first Act, who returns from the dead to help the good guys
She was the punch line to a night of glorious mistakes
The cherry on top… and on bottom (we were both flexible in terms of analogies)
As were we passionate, and in need of something romantic, and *****
And it worked in both of our favors, and we took advantage of each other’s position
And it was glorious. We were glorious
It was a time when I was lonely enough to look for answers, but not so lonely
that I would lock my years away in solitude yet. Opportunity was still on my side  
I was still young enough to hope for the future
She was on a vendetta for a reason why her last relationship ended so badly
Looking for someone other than herself to blame,
To take the rage out on another unsuspecting body
And I was always looking for the next fight
And thus we both played ******* for the first hour or so
Followed by a game of “Hard-to-get” the next
By the third hour the liquid courage had peeled back some of our layers,
And we started to open up, recapping the gap in years since we last had saw each other
Turned out, our paths were more parallel than we’d thought
We were holding similar pains behind our bad boy and girl personas
I was amazed to find beneath it all the same girl I remembered last
Still a good girl despite all she’d been through, still an angel despite her horns
And she smiled when she realized despite all my misfortunes,
There was still a bit of the little wanna be bad boy from our teenage rebellions
We were still the ones we were into so many years ago
It scared us I think, because the next hour was spent on opposite sides of the front yard
There was fear in both our eyes, we were revealing too much way too early
Suddenly the walls went up, we both began to stutter even the easiest words
Pretending we weren’t constantly looking over our shoulders at each other
I was into her more than ever, and all I wanted was to tell her
But now I was afraid to say anything to her, terrified I’d scare her away
I’d rather wonder what if then hate myself for blowing it
But every minute I checked to see if she was still alone

When I saw her sitting cross legged on the driveway,
I knew I it was time to confess to her
So I approached as honestly as I could, and she knew I wasn’t playing with her
When she asked to share a smoke, I knew it was certain
I sat across from her the same way, and the game began
It was equal parts flirting and insulting, poking and prodding for any falsehoods
And the harder we looked, the harder we fell
We were suddenly lost, and for the first and only time,
It felt like freedom. The chemical madness overcame us, and set us free
Gods didn’t have such freedom
We could feel the eyes upon us, we were the secret attraction of the night
It made it even more devious, and we played to their jealousy
Let them watch, let them burn with envy at the two star crossed lovers in the driveway
We had been making out so long, we hadn’t noticed our audience had disappeared
Those who didn’t leave or go to sleep had made their way to the backyard
We could hear laughter… and splashing?
“Are they ******* swimming right now?”
We slipped through the gate to find a testosterone fest beneath the water
Obviously we weren’t gonna let them have all the fun, so we stripped down and dove in
And were greeted with a rather awkward situation
One of the boys noticed our swim suits with disappointment
“Wait, do you guys still have clothes on?”
“… You don’t?”
We were bold, but we hadn’t prepared for that
We politely refused, we had our own game to play
Still we joined in the tidal wave contest amongst one another
Splashing like children at summer camp
One by one the boys surrendered to their exhaustion
Until we were all alone
Suddenly I noticed she looked even better without her clothes
She was wearing all black lace, like the liner around her eyes
Which were daring me to make a move
I pulled her close and she pulled at my boxers
And we both smiled like criminals after a bank heist…

Gynecologist Warning: *** in the pool is dangerous and increases the risks of contracting an STD, as well as potentially damaging the walls of the reproductive organs

The dance is more fun when it’s dangerous… but that’s just my opinion.
Plus it was her idea, and it was pretty awesome
It wasn’t my first rodeo underwater, but it was certainly the best
Particularly when it’s not your pool…
Our only regret was probably that we should’ve started about an hour or so earlier
*** in the pool at night is exciting… *** in the pool at sunrise is asking for it
*** outdoors can go from romantic to perverse once the lights are turned on
And the neighbors would never forgive us if we were the sugar to their morning coffee
So we bolted for the back door, leaving our undergarments behind in the pool
We found an open couch in the abandoned basement, and threw a blanket over each other
We only stopped laughing to kiss again, and our hands refused to let go
It was like we forgot we were naked in someone else’s home
Or knew **** well, and were turned on even more because of it
Nothing mattered beyond the blankets
Nothing mattered but her smile and mine
And everything beneath them
I don’t know when we finally quit, but it was long after the sun had risen
And only after we were too exhausted to kiss any longer
I woke up alone, bare as Adam beneath the covers
Exhausted and exposed, yet nothing close to loneliness
For a moment I felt like a king in a conquered land
I laid back with my arms behind my head
And exhaled with a satisfaction I hadn’t felt in forever
And then the nearest door creaked open,
And the matron of the house entered my throne…
The blanket did little to hide my terror
And the realization of my exposed predicament
“Oh! Morning Karl, would you like some breakfast?”
Kyle D.
Kyle Dal Santo Sep 2017
I just wanted to feel again
For too long I was trained to feel nothing
Self medication was killing my senses
The government numbed my feelings
Her lack of love killed my hope
She had cheated on me again
I was a thousand miles from home
And then I met you

I was broken, lonely, lost, and dazed
confused, hollow, a killing machine for Uncle Sam
But deep down, the trapped little boy cried out
for passion, for love,
to feel something other than nothing
and there you were
An angel with a devilish smile
the Southern Belle I'd always dreamed of
On a park bench outside the rec I confessed
with so much fear, I wasn't ready to let my heart go again
but I really liked you, and I couldn't hold it back anymore
instead of being let down, you lifted me up
from a painful October to a November of dancing
your name rolled off the tongue
like an Italian singing to a Sinatra Sonata
Kellie Greene
a North Carolina peach with a body like a violin
a beautiful, **** warrior woman, with a heart of gold
Who knew such women existed!

With each moment I fell harder, loved more dangerously
I kept winning, so I kept pushing my luck
with you, I always got lucky
I loved you
and you loved me back twice
each kiss was a ****** shot that froze me in place
don't even start me on your Southern curves
or your Carolina twang
God crafted you like a sword smith crafts a katana
smooth, ****, and razor sharp
few deserve such a goddess
I sure didn't, but Fate doesn't always pick favorites
Fate give me you, and you gave me something
I never knew existed
Love that didn't cost me freedom,
Love that didn't drive me mad
Love that didn't leave withdrawals
Love I wasn't afraid to give back
And the *** was something the angels sing about.
Kyle D.
342 · Sep 2017
Love Junkie
Kyle Dal Santo Sep 2017
Love, real love, makes absolutely no sense.
How sensible can it be that this one person,
one in seven billion, can just show up out of ******* nowhere,
shatter everything you believe in,
change your entire outlook on life,
and reduce you to a child, just by existing?
How can this one person render everything before them meaningless,
and then resurrect you into the holiest,
happiest time of your life?
Your food tastes better,
music sounds sweeter,
and every minute with them feels like a dream world
on another planet...
How can that be?
And worse, how is it when they're gone,
the very color seems to be ****** from the Earth?
Where the Hell is the science to that?
How can that make sense?
Maybe that's why it's so addictive, maybe that's why it hurts so much,
because it defies the very fabric of reality,
it spits in the faces of scientific reason,
it rewrites the books of psychology.
Maybe that's why whether we feel it or not,
we are fascinated by it.
No matter how many religions are debunked,
no matter how many urban legends are solved,
or how many magic tricks are explained,
there is still absolutely no control over true love.
You can't protect, control, or fight it.
Love is as fulfilling as it is violating.
Love is a pill that takes all your pain away,
but comes with so many side effects,
you wonder if it really works.
Love is a roulette wheel where anything red is jackpot,
but anything black is death,
and it spins everyday.
Love will extend your life.
Love will **** you early.
Love is War.
War is a drug.
Kyle D.
Kyle Dal Santo Oct 2018
I once believed you to be royalty, oh, the irony
Oh best believe,
That queen of mine? An Icy queen
Embracing calamity religiously
She kept a diary of bad ideas, most of them involving me
Love was never your problem
No, it was the trail of severed organs that followed you the **** around
I use to laugh whenever her hair got caught in her horns
Until one day she got mad and tore at my wings
I was far from Heaven Born
But compared to her, I was an angel
Possessed, from her head to her thighs
In my experience girls from that part of town
Didn’t have much back bone
Held too close as little ones
“It’s wise to stay away”, they would say
But she had these eyes
To blink was to do them injustice
They were on fire
They had back lighting
And a sound system
Her smile screamed evil
But those eyes looked like a roller coaster
They made my mouth water at the possibilities
Made my face red, made my knees week
At first her crazy was welcomed
A new challenge, a new adventure
Her insanity turned me the Hell on
But it didn’t take long to see it was but a taste
The more I welcomed, the crazier she became
The rabbit hole was deep, dark, and filled with thorns
Soon her childlike attitude revealed her serial killer nature
“I swear, I just wanna cuddle,”
You said as you wrapped your hands around my neck
Burned my arms with cigarettes
Id wake up deep within the night
And find you glowing, naked in the Marlboro light
Just before you plunged it into my thigh
It wasn’t love, it was an obstacle course
A bad trip, a worse come down
A pain that lasted for days
That drove me to the break
If I had a dime for every time
You held a razor to my eyes
and whispered “This won’t hurt a bit…”
Every so often I’d come to my senses
And hit the ejection button
A quick escape
To remind me what normal felt like
Pardon our abrupt, and violent ending
I needed an excuse to wake the **** up
Run the **** away,
And never see you again
You gave me everyone I never wanted to meet
A dozen different sides to your coin
And every time I saw the light and ran
You’d punish me still
Every time I left, the kissing booth reopened
Above it read, “Help Me Make Him Miserable,
Help Me Break His Heart,”
I’d ask her why
And she’d slap the **** out of me
As if my broken heart was an insult to her
My insulting humanity an attack on her insanity
How dare I find offense in her abuse
How dare I fight her assault
To see myself as a human worthy of freedom
What insult to want to be loved without fear
She never really let me go
For too long after she held my number hostage
Leaving horror movie voice mails
Kidnapped an innocent part of me
Torturing it whenever she got bored
And calling me so I could listen to it
She would sing songs in her messages
******* acapellas that celebrated her madness
The soundtrack to a horror film
The little girl in white
Jumping rope in you’re nightmares
“You’ll never get rid of me…”
You’re right, I won’t
You’ll forever be a lesson in how never to be
“Imagine me and you…”
I do,
I hate you for it every time,
And every night,
I think about the girl you were
Out of her mind
So happy without you…
“Baby, we could’ve been something”
Yeah I know
It scares the living **** out of me
I gave up everything that hurts, including you
Never again will I let you hold my breath
You’re nothing to me but another dead relationship
That stinks no matter how much concrete I pour on it
337 · Sep 2017
3 AM Epiphanies
Kyle Dal Santo Sep 2017
The sweat soaked pillow keeps me awake
Insomnia is a disease
"You're not wasting it all,"
"you haven't wasted it here,"
You repeat them over and over
but the song doesn't catch
not even you believe it anymore
not even you think the joke is funny
not even you can fix this mess
A part of you wants to watch it burn
And if you could speak with sober you he'd agree
Getting clean is easy
staying clean is something else
And you can't hit bottom
if you can't get off the floor
I've become a mess of a dream
a series of moments that don't make sense
and always leave me confused.
These tired eyes have seen so much already
some days I wanna close them for good.

You know it's the right choice when it hurts
Each step away stings a hundred times
The higher you go, the slippery it gets
The crown is always heavy,
whether its gold or lead
one just looks prettier
both will sink you to the bottom,
both will dent your head
neither sets you free

Freedom lies within they say
but even freedom costs too much
I'm not living paycheck to paycheck,
I'm suffocating in between
drowning in an ocean of freedom
the world's a slave trade
chained to a roller coaster,
with no seat belt
the ride is broken
and you knew it getting on
And if you can't come up with the money?
don't you worry, they'll just charge you more lol
This world is a rabid dog
that forgot what you look like
And the key to your dreams
is tied to its collar.
And this is as good as it gets?
We're the lucky ones?
Jesus.
If there (is)was a god(s)
What ****** up sega game are they playing?
And why are you still a fan of it?
Kyle D.
333 · Oct 2017
FAH - Q
Kyle Dal Santo Oct 2017
*******
Not today. Please
I’ve been dealt enough
I already dealt with you
It’s hard enough getting out of bed these days
Haven’t you done enough already?
You ruined yesterday, and the day before
I just barely got my **** together
I haven’t had a good day in weeks
And now you’re haunting me again
Ruining my plans and desires
Stopping me dead in my tracks
Forcing me to the ground
I don’t deserve this
Yet here you are
War drums pounding
Ready to destroy the peace
Relentless, vicious, worthless
We should be working together
We’re one and the same
Instead you exist to spite me
To fight me at every turn
I just want my life back
I just want to feel alive again
To remember life without you
Life was so much better then
Well, it was easier at least
I could think without a headache
Hope without a fear
Before you, I knew who I was
I felt like me
I was fine in my own skin
You took that from me
So *******, anxiety.
Kyle Dee
298 · May 2017
L*VE
Kyle Dal Santo May 2017
Your yelling makes my heart hurt. How dare you use that L word.
I know what it really looks like, what it really feels like.
You don't have it. You don't understand it.
Yet you dare to use that word. You dare to call it real.
The real thing isn't selfish.The real thing doesn't lie.
It doesn't yell in the middle of the night, it doesn't point fingers.
It doesn't treat people the way you treat each other.
Sure, it's not perfect. It hurts, and it destroys.
But it's real. How dare you call it real.
You, who lie and cheat and steal.
HOW DARE YOU USE THAT WORD.
You give it a bad name.
You're the reason people are afraid of it.
You should be ashamed.
It should be a crime for people like you to use that word.
Your lying makes my head hurt.
You speak of it like it's an agreement. Some sick selfish
contract with clauses and guidelines.
People like you try to destroy the meaning of the word.
You have no right to even whisper it.
You'll never understand it. Good, you don't deserve to.
It's not meant for people like you.
You're too selfish. You're too sick.
You're selfishness makes my stomach churn.
You don't even know the language. It's not meant for you.
I know it's not perfect. I know it's painful.
I've tasted it, and I've burnt my tongue.
But I don't speak ill of it.
I know it's better to have never had it.
I know how much it hurts.
But at least I've been there. How dare you say it out loud.
You never had it, you never will. It's not meant for you.
Your "Love" makes me sick.
Kyle D
Kyle Dal Santo Jul 2017
I know I did this to myself
I know the blood on my knuckles matches the blood on my face
I don't wanna be hurt, so I hurt myself instead, I know,
It doesn't make sense to me either, and so,
I blame the boy in the mirror
and pass judgement on the man in the glass,
I'll blame myself before I blame myself
because only I can do this to myself
I'm a 29 year old catch 22 with a vendetta for a better life
Acting like I can't find the Sun when it's my own clouds
keeping me in the dark, I'm my own nemesis,
I'm playing as Bond and Trevelyan
I broke my own controller
Knifed my own tires on the way to LA
I ask, "Am I cursed?!", but I denied the blessings
I have no one to blame but myself
So I punish myself for blaming myself,
for the foolish things I do to myself
I know you're getting tired of my *******, so am I
So I'm hoping my wings will grow back on their own
I'll rebuild the throne and make it my own, and this time
I won't cover it with my own blood
I won't make excuses for my excuses
I'll pull myself from my own Hell
I'll beat the **** out of myself if I have to, but I won't let you down
Or I'll put myself down
Does that make sense to you?
Me either.
I know you see me as the hero,
It's all I've ever craved,
But did I set the bar too high?
Have I left myself depraved?
Have I just figured out why I cant write out my own story?
Have I killed all my heroes hunting down my demons?
Is this why story book heroes never last long in the real world?
Kyle D.
Kyle Dal Santo Apr 2017
She was a heroine heroine.
Smoking words and drinking verse with her
was a toxic antidote for love.
Love was her favorite ***** word.
She puked it out every night
because she knew I'd clean it up in front of all of them.

I peeled off the warning labels,
I laughed at the specialists.
I ignored the side effects.
I silenced the naysayers.
I wanted a dose, I needed it.

She loved the lightning but hated the rain.
I wanted someone to hold hands with.
She loved the fire but hated the ashes.
I wanted a "baby, it's our song" kind of girl.
She wanted the blast without the fallout.
I wanted the flame without the burn.
She was a firecracker dipped in gasoline.
I was a fairy tale without the hero.
She never learned.
I never learned.

You hold her, but only for a moment.
You're not bold enough to stomach her venom.
You light two, give one to her,
and she blows smoke in your eyes.
But it's never her fault,
they made her this way, she says.

She likes to be neck deep in the drama,
her scabs and scars are a life's work of trophies.

Even if I could turn back time? It wouldn't matter
We both knew from the get go which one of us would let go.
You broke at the slightest sign of me.
I was too human for you.
I was too real for you.

All I wanted to see was her, all I wanted to drink was her.
Smother me in poison if you must.
I'll take the burn, the hurt, the pain,
I took it all for you.
I fell for you, and they laughed at both of us,
but louder at me.

She breathed fire from too many liars' kisses.
Inhaled my soul as I choked on your "love"
I begged you for seconds as you "loved" someone else.
Kyle D.
220 · Apr 2017
Crossroads
Kyle Dal Santo Apr 2017
Still don't know if I'm running to or running from.
I hitched a plane West, for a dream I fear is already dead.
For what I thought I saw is already gone.
Thought I saw tomorrow, but it was a lie.
Thought I saw a better future, but I was blind.
Painting dreams on the insides of my eyelids.
I had years to plan, but instead I landed like a refugee,
with lint in my pockets and tears in my eyes.
Running from phantoms, the very phantoms,
I need to survive.
Wishing for the very things that will be the very death of me.
So many dreams across my eyelids, I painted them shut.
I dreamt myself blind.
Bankrupted my future with delusions of grandeur.
Threw away my present, because I thought the present didn't matter.
"The future will set me free", I boasted.
But what happens when you outrun tomorrow?
And the money's gone, and everyone else has moved on?
Everyone except you, of course.
You pushed your friends away,
ignored your family's pleas,
I thought, "The future will solve my problems."
Why did I throw all my friends away,
knowing how hard it is for me to make friends?
Because I believed too much in Tomorrow.
I believed, but I didn't prepare.
I rolled the dice, but forgot to bet.
I built the house, but never laid the concrete.
And now Today is Tomorrow, and Tomorrow is Today.
And now I'm all alone, trapped on another planet, so far from home.
I'm at a Crossroads, and there is no safe route.
There is no less traveled, there is no less wild.
I am what I always wanted to be.
Alone.
Kyle  D.
208 · May 2018
Why?
Kyle Dal Santo May 2018
Why?
Why am I?
Why am I here?
Why am I here today?
Why am I here today when so many are not?
Why am I here today when so many far greater than me are not?
Why am I here today, when so many of the people are care about, so far away from me, are in a great moment of peril, and I'm not able to help them?
Why am I here today, when so many of the people I care about leave me to my own demise, telling me to grow up when I'm so far away from everything that makes me who I am, telling me I'm not able top help them, and therefore should not bother?
Why do I bother when the people I care about tell me to grow up?
Why do I bother?
Why bother?
Kyle D.
190 · Apr 2017
Revelations
Kyle Dal Santo Apr 2017
I'd like to believe they're up there watching me,
But then I'd have to believe in something I don't.
In fact, so would they, which I **** well know they didn't.
So if it is real,
Would I even wanna go?
Is your paradise mine?
Nope.
And why should I fear your apocalypse?
I don't believe in it.
Therefore I should not be judged for it.
And if your God made me? In his image?
Then I'd imagine he'd agree with me.
Kyle D.
Kyle Dal Santo Aug 2020
I know pain
By it’s first names, intimately
The pain isn’t even the hard part
But the hole it leaves when I don’t feel it
Even though it’s always there
A phantom with no pain
Asinine, pointless
You learn to make pain feel
Get used to it, make it part of you
Made my pain an edge, an advantage
Kept it close like my enemies
Put it there for safe keeping
And it’s kept me safe, at least the feeling of it
But now I don’t need it anymore
Awkward, once you can’t turn it off
It's been concealed and carried for way too long
become a part of me
latched to my ribs
Right between my lungs
Becoming another pain within
Sticks to the skin and itches inside
Built it up for the bad days
Without them, I feel unwanted
No purpose, and that’s worse than… everything
Loneliness, heartache, pain, loss, hunger, all of it
If you don’t need me, do I need to stay?
I can’t help because I need it
Wiping my own tears
No game to win, no story to tell
Suppose to just… live with myself?
After everything I’ve become
So much life wasted
Used as a stepping stone
Wandering and wondering, for…
So many regrets I should regret
Too many regrets I should forget
Pain because it’s all gone
Good and bad, I can’t have it back
The past is my sickness
Regret its diagnosis
Now the future seems darker
And I fear I’ll be useless
Kyle Dal Santo Mar 2020
After my last breakup, I had this dream

Two goddesses, one dressed in white, the other in black,
The one in white, will call her goddess ebony
The one in black, she is Ivory, cause its my ******* dream
They’re both perfect, both way out of my league, if I ever had one
Standing over me, tempting me with their beauty
Neither is good or bad, both are equally dangerous
Their whispers make my ears tingle, their bodies make my head spin
No matter which I choose, it will be the wrong choice
Both will punish me regardless; tormenting me, torturing me
Loving every minute of it, savoring my awkward embarrassment
I want them both so bad, they’ll haunt my dreams for weeks
The only way this will end “well”, is if I don’t make a choice
Which instead will leave me lonely, abandoned
Is it that greedy to want to be happy?
I’m already happy, I say out loud to them
They smirk and giggle, leave me there feeling lost as a child
It was the right choice, I swear to myself
But no matter what I say, they respond the same
Laughing at the colosal **** up before them
How dare I dare to speak to them like I’m good enough
This poor, unfortunate, sad sack of bones without gold
So many beautiful women around me, makes me feel hideous
So I close my eyes, tight as they’ll go, but they never go away
They never disappear, always linger long enough to sting
I don’t have a voice, because I don’t believe in mine
I’m lost in translation, and I speak the same language
But I’m known for setting my standards low, so
The demons are always smarter than angels
I blame them, but I blame myself far more
But you’ll never see the light if you won’t step out of the darkness
You know me, I’ll surrender before I walk away
Now, it seems all I can remember are my dreams
Now you know why I never smile in my sleep
84 · May 2020
Jamboree
Kyle Dal Santo May 2020
A wind like razors in a blackened night
Walls of air, blades of light on feeble shadows
A taunting wind scars a hunter’s moon
a song of death and disease
Love like famine, streets filled with bodies
walls of bones like catacombs
Rains of ash burn on wet cheeks
The wind catcalls and the shadows vanish
The stained smell of sulfur and smoke
A midnight sunrise on the horizon
Warriors charge forth with glowing eyes
Teeth like fangs, looting their own tombs
Faces of gold melted to blanks
Traitors to their own names
Sold out and surrendered for a generation
Faithless and furried loveless and shamed
They march for a calling, they fall on deaf beliefs
For centuries they cried in the darkness, alone
Tear apart their clothes, their children are all dead!
Left to rot beneath the old and rich
Now only the rich are old, and the young bleed
The streets run black and blue with broken promises
Mother Nature turned savage with envy
Had to remind us *******
We cannot howl like wolves, roar like lions
We are weak and feeble, no claws or fur
Foolish insects without the shell
The true prey, the final ****

— The End —