I just wanted to feel again
For too long I was trained to feel nothing
Self medication was killing my senses
The government numbed my feelings
Her lack of love killed my hope
She had cheated on me again
I was a thousand miles from home
And then I met you

I was broken, lonely, lost, and dazed
confused, hollow, a killing machine for Uncle Sam
But deep down, the trapped little boy cried out
for passion, for love,
to feel something other than nothing
and there you were
An angel with a devilish smile
the Southern Belle I'd always dreamed of
On a park bench outside the rec I confessed
with so much fear, I wasn't ready to let my heart go again
but I really liked you, and I couldn't hold it back anymore
instead of being let down, you lifted me up
from a painful October to a November of dancing
your name rolled off the tongue
like an Italian singing to a Sinatra Sonata
Kellie Greene
a North Carolina peach with a body like a violin
a beautiful, **** warrior woman, with a heart of gold
Who knew such women existed!

With each moment I fell harder, loved more dangerously
I kept winning, so I kept pushing my luck
with you, I always got lucky
I loved you
and you loved me back twice
each kiss was a ****** shot that froze me in place
don't even start me on your Southern curves
or your Carolina twang
God crafted you like a sword smith crafts a katana
smooth, ****, and razor sharp
few deserve such a goddess
I sure didn't, but Fate doesn't always pick favorites
Fate give me you, and you gave me something
I never knew existed
Love that didn't cost me freedom,
Love that didn't drive me mad
Love that didn't leave withdrawals
Love I wasn't afraid to give back
And the *** was something the angels sing about.

It feels good when someone likes your pain.
Funny concept, isn't it?
To feel so fulfilled when you're congratulated for your wounds?
When you're celebrated for your tears,
commended on your scars,
applauded for your broken heart.
A creator is enslaved to his art,
the art is enslaved to his pain.
Without the hurting, the art just doesn't feel real.
It's a gimmick, just some pretty words.
Pain is the proper seal of approval.
The certificate of authenticity
You can't spell paint brush without pain.
Pain is the most vibrant color
The unbreakable pencil.
Heartache is the sharpest camera lens.
The ink runs darker when there's blood added.
Love is better remembered when it's broken.
Happiness is more vivid after it's taken away.
Loved ones become more loving after they're gone.
Love interests stay beautiful in the past.
The best *** improves with time
Good memories age like wine.
I'd love to make happy art,
I'd love to smile when I spill my memories
Be nice to just write because I can.
Pain is just more interesting.
Darkness the better work light.
Misery the better Muse.

Love, real love, makes absolutely no sense.
How sensible can it be that this one person,
one in seven billion, can just show up out of ******* nowhere,
shatter everything you believe in,
change your entire outlook on life,
and reduce you to a child, just by existing?
How can this one person render everything before them meaningless,
and then resurrect you into the holiest,
happiest time of your life?
Your food tastes better,
music sounds sweeter,
and every minute with them feels like a dream world
on another planet...
How can that be?
And worse, how is it when they're gone,
the very color seems to be ****** from the Earth?
Where the Hell is the science to that?
How can that make sense?
Maybe that's why it's so addictive, maybe that's why it hurts so much,
because it defies the very fabric of reality,
it spits in the faces of scientific reason,
it rewrites the books of psychology.
Maybe that's why whether we feel it or not,
we are fascinated by it.
No matter how many religions are debunked,
no matter how many urban legends are solved,
or how many magic tricks are explained,
there is still absolutely no control over true love.
You can't protect, control, or fight it.
Love is as fulfilling as it is violating.
Love is a pill that takes all your pain away,
but comes with so many side effects,
you wonder if it really works.
Love is a roulette wheel where anything red is jackpot,
but anything black is death,
and it spins everyday.
Love will extend your life.
Love will **** you early.
Love is War.
War is a drug.

I once believed you to be royalty, oh, the irony
Oh best believe,
That queen of mine? An Icy queen
Embracing calamity religiously
She kept a diary of bad ideas, most of them involving me
Love was never your problem
No, it was the trail of severed organs that followed you the **** around
I use to laugh whenever her hair got caught in her horns
Until one day she got mad and tore at my wings
I was far from Heaven Born
But compared to her, I was an angel
Possessed, from her head to her thighs
In my experience girls from that part of town
Didn’t have much back bone
Held too close as little ones
“It’s wise to stay away”, they would say
But she had these eyes
To blink was to do them injustice
They were on fire
They had back lighting
And a sound system
Her smile screamed evil
But those eyes looked like a roller coaster
They made my mouth water at the possibilities
Made my face red, made my knees week
At first her crazy was welcomed
A new challenge, a new adventure
Her insanity turned me the Hell on
But it didn’t take long to see it was but a taste
The more I welcomed, the crazier she became
The rabbit hole was deep, dark, and filled with thorns
Soon her childlike attitude revealed her serial killer nature
“I swear, I just wanna cuddle,”
You said as you wrapped your hands around my neck
Burned my arms with cigarettes
Id wake up deep within the night
And find you glowing, naked in the Marlboro light
Just before you plunged it into my thigh
It wasn’t love, it was an obstacle course
A bad trip, a worse come down
A pain that lasted for days
That drove me to the break
If I had a dime for every time
You held a razor to my eyes
and whispered “This won’t hurt a bit…”
Every so often I’d come to my senses
And hit the ejection button
A quick escape
To remind me what normal felt like
Pardon our abrupt, and violent ending
I needed an excuse to wake the **** up
Run the **** away,
And never see you again
You gave me everyone I never wanted to meet
A dozen different sides to your coin
And every time I saw the light and ran
You’d punish me still
Every time I left, the kissing booth reopened
Above it read, “Help Me Make Him Miserable,
Help Me Break His Heart,”
I’d ask her why
And she’d slap the **** out of me
As if my broken heart was an insult to her
My insulting humanity an attack on her insanity
How dare I find offense in her abuse
How dare I fight her assault
To see myself as a human worthy of freedom
What insult to want to be loved without fear
She never really let me go
For too long after she held my number hostage
Leaving horror movie voice mails
Kidnapped an innocent part of me
Torturing it whenever she got bored
And calling me so I could listen to it
She would sing songs in her messages
******* acapellas that celebrated her madness
The soundtrack to a horror film
The little girl in white
Jumping rope in you’re nightmares
“You’ll never get rid of me…”
You’re right, I won’t
You’ll forever be a lesson in how never to be
“Imagine me and you…”
I do,
I hate you for it every time,
And every night,
I think about the girl you were
Out of her mind
So happy without you…
“Baby, we could’ve been something”
Yeah I know
It scares the living **** out of me
I gave up everything that hurts, including you
Never again will I let you hold my breath
You’re nothing to me but another dead relationship
That stinks no matter how much concrete I pour on it

Your yelling makes my heart hurt. How dare you use that L word.
I know what it really looks like, what it really feels like.
You don't have it. You don't understand it.
Yet you dare to use that word. You dare to call it real.
The real thing isn't selfish.The real thing doesn't lie.
It doesn't yell in the middle of the night, it doesn't point fingers.
It doesn't treat people the way you treat each other.
Sure, it's not perfect. It hurts, and it destroys.
But it's real. How dare you call it real.
You, who lie and cheat and steal.
HOW DARE YOU USE THAT WORD.
You give it a bad name.
You're the reason people are afraid of it.
You should be ashamed.
It should be a crime for people like you to use that word.
Your lying makes my head hurt.
You speak of it like it's an agreement. Some sick selfish
contract with clauses and guidelines.
People like you try to destroy the meaning of the word.
You have no right to even whisper it.
You'll never understand it. Good, you don't deserve to.
It's not meant for people like you.
You're too selfish. You're too sick.
You're selfishness makes my stomach churn.
You don't even know the language. It's not meant for you.
I know it's not perfect. I know it's painful.
I've tasted it, and I've burnt my tongue.
But I don't speak ill of it.
I know it's better to have never had it.
I know how much it hurts.
But at least I've been there. How dare you say it out loud.
You never had it, you never will. It's not meant for you.
Your "Love" makes me sick.

I know I did this to myself
I know the blood on my knuckles matches the blood on my face
I don't wanna be hurt, so I hurt myself instead, I know,
It doesn't make sense to me either, and so,
I blame the boy in the mirror
and pass judgement on the man in the glass,
I'll blame myself before I blame myself
because only I can do this to myself
I'm a 29 year old catch 22 with a vendetta for a better life
Acting like I can't find the Sun when it's my own clouds
keeping me in the dark, I'm my own nemesis,
I'm playing as Bond and Trevelyan
I broke my own controller
Knifed my own tires on the way to LA
I ask, "Am I cursed?!", but I denied the blessings
I have no one to blame but myself
So I punish myself for blaming myself,
for the foolish things I do to myself
I know you're getting tired of my *******, so am I
So I'm hoping my wings will grow back on their own
I'll rebuild the throne and make it my own, and this time
I won't cover it with my own blood
I won't make excuses for my excuses
I'll pull myself from my own Hell
I'll beat the **** out of myself if I have to, but I won't let you down
Or I'll put myself down
Does that make sense to you?
Me either.
I know you see me as the hero,
It's all I've ever craved,
But did I set the bar too high?
Have I left myself depraved?
Have I just figured out why I cant write out my own story?
Have I killed all my heroes hunting down my demons?
Is this why story book heroes never last long in the real world?

She was a heroine heroine.
Smoking words and drinking verse with her
was a toxic antidote for love.
Love was her favorite ***** word.
She puked it out every night
because she knew I'd clean it up in front of all of them.

I peeled off the warning labels,
I laughed at the specialists.
I ignored the side effects.
I silenced the naysayers.
I wanted a dose, I needed it.

She loved the lightning but hated the rain.
I wanted someone to hold hands with.
She loved the fire but hated the ashes.
I wanted a "baby, it's our song" kind of girl.
She wanted the blast without the fallout.
I wanted the flame without the burn.
She was a firecracker dipped in gasoline.
I was a fairy tale without the hero.
She never learned.
I never learned.

You hold her, but only for a moment.
You're not bold enough to stomach her venom.
You light two, give one to her,
and she blows smoke in your eyes.
But it's never her fault,
they made her this way, she says.

She likes to be neck deep in the drama,
her scabs and scars are a life's work of trophies.

Even if I could turn back time? It wouldn't matter
We both knew from the get go which one of us would let go.
You broke at the slightest sign of me.
I was too human for you.
I was too real for you.

All I wanted to see was her, all I wanted to drink was her.
Smother me in poison if you must.
I'll take the burn, the hurt, the pain,
I took it all for you.
I fell for you, and they laughed at both of us,
but louder at me.

She breathed fire from too many liars' kisses.
Inhaled my soul as I choked on your "love"
I begged you for seconds as you "loved" someone else.

Still don't know if I'm running to or running from.
I hitched a plane West, for a dream I fear is already dead.
For what I thought I saw is already gone.
Thought I saw tomorrow, but it was a lie.
Thought I saw a better future, but I was blind.
Painting dreams on the insides of my eyelids.
I had years to plan, but instead I landed like a refugee,
with lint in my pockets and tears in my eyes.
Running from phantoms, the very phantoms,
I need to survive.
Wishing for the very things that will be the very death of me.
So many dreams across my eyelids, I painted them shut.
I dreamt myself blind.
Bankrupted my future with delusions of grandeur.
Threw away my present, because I thought the present didn't matter.
"The future will set me free", I boasted.
But what happens when you outrun tomorrow?
And the money's gone, and everyone else has moved on?
Everyone except you, of course.
You pushed your friends away,
ignored your family's pleas,
I thought, "The future will solve my problems."
Why did I throw all my friends away,
knowing how hard it is for me to make friends?
Because I believed too much in Tomorrow.
I believed, but I didn't prepare.
I rolled the dice, but forgot to bet.
I built the house, but never laid the concrete.
And now Today is Tomorrow, and Tomorrow is Today.
And now I'm all alone, trapped on another planet, so far from home.
I'm at a Crossroads, and there is no safe route.
There is no less traveled, there is no less wild.
I am what I always wanted to be.
Alone.

Why?
Why am I?
Why am I here?
Why am I here today?
Why am I here today when so many are not?
Why am I here today when so many far greater than me are not?
Why am I here today, when so many of the people are care about, so far away from me, are in a great moment of peril, and I'm not able to help them?
Why am I here today, when so many of the people I care about leave me to my own demise, telling me to grow up when I'm so far away from everything that makes me who I am, telling me I'm not able top help them, and therefore should not bother?
Why do I bother when the people I care about tell me to grow up?
Why do I bother?
Why bother?

I'd like to believe they're up there watching me,
But then I'd have to believe in something I don't.
In fact, so would they, which I **** well know they didn't.
So if it is real,
Would I even wanna go?
Is your paradise mine?
Nope.
And why should I fear your apocalypse?
I don't believe in it.
Therefore I should not be judged for it.
And if your God made me? In his image?
Then I'd imagine he'd agree with me.

I know pain
By it’s first names, intimately
The pain isn’t even the hard part
But the hole it leaves when I don’t feel it
Even though it’s always there
A phantom with no pain
Asinine, pointless
You learn to make pain feel
Get used to it, make it part of you
Made my pain an edge, an advantage
Kept it close like my enemies
Put it there for safe keeping
And it’s kept me safe, at least the feeling of it
But now I don’t need it anymore
Awkward, once you can’t turn it off
It's been concealed and carried for way too long
become a part of me
latched to my ribs
Right between my lungs
Becoming another pain within
Sticks to the skin and itches inside
Built it up for the bad days
Without them, I feel unwanted
No purpose, and that’s worse than… everything
Loneliness, heartache, pain, loss, hunger, all of it
If you don’t need me, do I need to stay?
I can’t help because I need it
Wiping my own tears
No game to win, no story to tell
Suppose to just… live with myself?
After everything I’ve become
So much life wasted
Used as a stepping stone
Wandering and wondering, for…
So many regrets I should regret
Too many regrets I should forget
Pain because it’s all gone
Good and bad, I can’t have it back
The past is my sickness
Regret its diagnosis
Now the future seems darker
And I fear I’ll be useless

After my last breakup, I had this dream

Two goddesses, one dressed in white, the other in black,
The one in white, will call her goddess ebony
The one in black, she is Ivory, cause its my ******* dream
They’re both perfect, both way out of my league, if I ever had one
Standing over me, tempting me with their beauty
Neither is good or bad, both are equally dangerous
Their whispers make my ears tingle, their bodies make my head spin
No matter which I choose, it will be the wrong choice
Both will punish me regardless; tormenting me, torturing me
Loving every minute of it, savoring my awkward embarrassment
I want them both so bad, they’ll haunt my dreams for weeks
The only way this will end “well”, is if I don’t make a choice
Which instead will leave me lonely, abandoned
Is it that greedy to want to be happy?
I’m already happy, I say out loud to them
They smirk and giggle, leave me there feeling lost as a child
It was the right choice, I swear to myself
But no matter what I say, they respond the same
Laughing at the colosal **** up before them
How dare I dare to speak to them like I’m good enough
This poor, unfortunate, sad sack of bones without gold
So many beautiful women around me, makes me feel hideous
So I close my eyes, tight as they’ll go, but they never go away
They never disappear, always linger long enough to sting
I don’t have a voice, because I don’t believe in mine
I’m lost in translation, and I speak the same language
But I’m known for setting my standards low, so
The demons are always smarter than angels
I blame them, but I blame myself far more
But you’ll never see the light if you won’t step out of the darkness
You know me, I’ll surrender before I walk away
Now, it seems all I can remember are my dreams
Now you know why I never smile in my sleep

A wind like razors in a blackened night
Walls of air, blades of light on feeble shadows
A taunting wind scars a hunter’s moon
a song of death and disease
Love like famine, streets filled with bodies
walls of bones like catacombs
Rains of ash burn on wet cheeks
The wind catcalls and the shadows vanish
The stained smell of sulfur and smoke
A midnight sunrise on the horizon
Warriors charge forth with glowing eyes
Teeth like fangs, looting their own tombs
Faces of gold melted to blanks
Traitors to their own names
Sold out and surrendered for a generation
Faithless and furried loveless and shamed
They march for a calling, they fall on deaf beliefs
For centuries they cried in the darkness, alone
Tear apart their clothes, their children are all dead!
Left to rot beneath the old and rich
Now only the rich are old, and the young bleed
The streets run black and blue with broken promises
Mother Nature turned savage with envy
Had to remind us *******
We cannot howl like wolves, roar like lions
We are weak and feeble, no claws or fur
Foolish insects without the shell
The true prey, the final ****