"you're so strong"
something i have heard a billion times
because i know how to fake a smile
and stop the tears from flowing from my eyes
i am not strong
but i am not weak
i'm just struggling

you don't see everything
you don't look past the curtain of artificial sunshine
or take the time to read the book that is me
you don't see the nights consisting of no sleep
of vomiting and crying
laying on the cold bathroom floor
the days i don't want to live anymore
the days where changing my clothes
is far too hard

i am struggling
carrying around concrete feet
dragging a backpack full of bricks
handfuls of emotions
of trials
of errors
and no space to put them
but smiling for all of the right people
saying the things i know need to be said
keeping attention far away
because to you, i am strong
to you i can concur the world
and oh how i wish i could

i've always hated my middle name
lacking in individuality
a commonplace name
given to half the girls in my graduating class
it never sounded right
it never seemed like it fit
it didn't feel like it belonged to me
that is until you started to use it
my first name foreign to your lips
and somehow it made flowers grow around my rib-cage
restricting my lungs, causing me to catch my breath
in a good way
it made my cheeks rosy
for when you uttered those 5 letters
it sounded like wind chimes
a hummingbird's wings
my heart matching the rhythm
53 beats per second
for it was something no one else called me
a name far from unique
but you made it sound beautiful
you made it charming
a gesture so endearing

it's almost completely silent
in the bedroom we share
except the whirring of the fan
and the constant buzzing of your phone
anger sits stale in the air
my heart sinks with every text message you send
for it isn't your words calling out to me
asking me to just lay in bed for awhile
holding hands in silence

i sit curled up in an oversized sweater
the one you gave me because parts started to fray
and i don't know why you've never saw beauty
in the things that grow old
i draw swirls in the sand
like the ones in your eyes
as i watch the ocean waves crash into the shore
i watch and watch
admiring the force behind a single wave
thinking how in a moments notice
it could steal my life away
you are in love with the ocean
you used to love me
how ironic it would be
if the ocean was the thing that killed me

and when you say my name
i hope it burns like whiskey in the back of your throat
i hope it rips at your insides
just like you did to mine
because you kissed her
after you had spent the night kissing me
you took me out to a movie and dinner
then ****** me beneath your sheets
only to go to a ball game the next day
to watch fireworks, explode in the sky
and the whole time she was sitting by your side
kissing you and staring into your eyes
you sat and told me you loved me
that i was the girl of your dreams
that you would never do anything to hurt me
you wrote it with your lips onto my skin
etched it into the depths of my heart
your name flowing through my veins
only for me to find
that you've been telling her you loved her too
etching the same words into her heart
telling her that she was your world
that is was she who made you happier than you've been
in a long, long time
you had to decide between both her and i
two girls with ocean eyes
and when you chose her
my heart died
and here i stand a half of a whole
with no idea where to go

you tell me that it didn't matter
that she didn't matter
but EVERYTHING matters
every drip from the leaky faucet
to every ray of sunlight shining through the window
every tear that has ran down a cheek
to every pebble in the street
everything matters
everything is part of a story
and she is part of yours
for a moment,
she was all that mattered

i do a lot of things that i shouldn't
i daydream about things that i shouldn't
i write about things in messy blue ink that i shouldn't
i say things that i shouldn't
i fight for things that i shouldn’t
i overthink and obsess over things that i shouldn't
but i do these things anyway and i don't regret any of it
for i am leading a messy life
written in the messy ink of my favorite pen
i'm writing about all of the blues and blacks of this thing
this thing that i call my life
and i don't regret it
i don't regret messaging people that i shouldn't
apologizing for things that no longer hold any relevance
i don't regret dancing in the middle of meijer with my friends
or screaming at the top of my lungs in parking lots
when the world just gets too **** heavy
and i can no longer carry its weight on my shoulders
i don't regret burying myself in bottles of liquor and my favorite book
i don't regret the bridges i've burnt
or the one's i rebuilt
i don't regret kissing you at every red light
or sleeping with you on that cold february night
i don't regret venturing back into the arms of the person who hurt me
giving him a second chance
placing my heart in one hand
and a knife in the other
i don't regret any of it
i do a lot of things that i shouldn't
for they make my life a life worth living