Do you miss me tonight, darling?
While I'm a thousand miles away drenched in sweat
The taste of him still lingers on my lips
The bruises you left covered by his own
The insides of my thighs and the side of my neck
Black and blue from the love he stole from you
*I bet you can't wait to taste him on me

Ride up to me
On your tired old horse
With your bent armor
And bloodied sword
Cracked shield
Dry lips
Let me offer you water
And a place in my bed
I'll hide you from your sins
Those ghosts of battles passed
You are my knight
With old battle scars
And I'll love you
Despite your lack of shine

When it is happiness in question
I always choose yours
You always choose mine
Then we fight about
The joy we keep stealing
From one another
Every Time

Hold me tonight.
I'm shaking and I can't sit still.
My sadness bounces off the walls.
It echos in my mind and settles in my chest.
It's heavy and it sloshes in my lungs.
Steals my breath and robs me of my smile.
My fingers twitch with wanting.
For something to hold on to.
So I can keep from falling off the edge.
Into the empty caverns that sit behind my eyes.
My lips quiver.
They feel bare without a cigarette pressed between them.
Letting me breathe again if only for a moment.
A moment so wonderfully deadly.
That I never want it to end.
Hold me tonight.
Before I slip away.

I swore that I was never going to do this again.
I was never going to have another sleepless night
Staying up convincing someone to live
When I could have been sleeping,
Or reading,
Or dreaming.
When I could have been doing anything but that.
I swore I was never going to play
The Sleeping Or Dead game
With another person I care about.
No more driving around at one in the morning
Tapping on windows to make sure
Someone was still breathing.
I swore I was never going to do any of it again,
But here I am.
I tell myself to stay away.
Not to get involved if I see it.
I swore that I would never care again.
That I would never try again.
Never would I feel the pain of loss again
Yet Here I Am
Living in this moment,
While you're slowly dying

*The Suicide Diaries

There's a giant gaping hole in my life.
I don't know where it came from.
I don't know how to fill it.
I drink myself stupid and smoke myself to sleep.
Cigarettes fill my lungs but my heart is missing a beat.
At first I thought it was you but it isn't.
I want to text someone.
Say something! For the love of god please. Please say something
I can't find the number.
I can't find the name.
I don't know what's missing.
How can I miss something so much and have no idea what it is.
Help me. I need someone to help me.
I'm scared that I'll forever be incomplete.
Searching for the missing piece that I had.
That I didn't even know I lost.
What am I missing?
*What am I missing?

You're still breathing
But I can't sleep
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
Let me hold you
And rock you to sleep
With lullabies laced with Novocaine
Rest in peace
Rest in peace
I promise I'll be here in the morning
Will you?
Say you will
*Say you will

I am left gasping for air again
Laying on the ground
With a cigarette between my lips
Because the only way my lungs will open
Is with a cloud of smoke
My heart is obsessed with self destruction
Because it is my body that wants to die
Not my mind
That's the thing about depression
It's a deadly state of being
Not a troublesome emotion
Thank you Marlboro for giving me another day
You'll **** me slower than trying to breathe on my own

I envy you
For your ability to run
And hide from the things that you can't change
For having the nerve to say goodbye
And the means to flee
I am caught here in all of my lies
With no escape in sight
No end getting closer
Yet somehow I'll stay here
And you'll keep running away

Do you feel better now?
Now that you think you've figured me out?
Found out what makes me tick?
One hand clasped around my throat.
The other tangled in my hair
Pulling my head back so I'm forced to look in your eyes
So you can control me
So you can make me love you
Red marks on the backs of my thighs
A strict set of rules so you'll never worry
Punishment and reward
Equal gratification
All those things you want from me
That you can gain from tying my wrists together
Leaving rope burns across my stomach
Alone in a room
Exposed and waiting for you to come back
And love me
Just like I did to you
But in such a different way
You say that you're dominant
And that I'm the submissive one
Yet you want to jump right in
And I'm going to consider our options
Because your inexperience
Doesn't blend well with my needs
You can't collar me just to say you did
You have to mean it
And you don't know what it means to mean it