"We need to talk."* you say, "Give me twenty minutes of your time, you owe me that at least."
That sounds a lot like leaving to me,
But I could just be getting my hopes up.
The other night I strayed from you.
I'll never tell you,
But he was pure and I had to ruin him.
Just like I did you so long ago.
I fell asleep in someone else's arms.
I swore I would never do that didn't I?
You learned long ago that my promises dissolve in the rain.
I love you.
Don't get me wrong.
I love you very much.
Too much.
So much that this is difficult.
I won't miss it at first,
But I will later.
Go on ahead, Love.
Leave me.
We'll be okay.

I'm ****** up today
The feeling of you is clanging around in my chest
It's not just lingering anymore
It feels too heavy
I'm swimming in an ocean of lost chances
And loving you is a lead weight
That's sinking me to the bottom
I smoked all evening
The smell of cigarettes and despair follows me through the hallways
It isn't deterred by closed doors or sweet-smelling perfume
I'm ****** up today
And you aren't here to see it

*The Suicide Diaries

My lips couldn't move-
To make words that could form-
Any beginning of just-
How sorry I am

Don't Leave Me
I beg you
Please don't leave me
I want to clutch your shirt
I want to wrap my arms around your ribs
So I can feel them extend with each breath you take
I need your heat
And to fall asleep with my face hidden in your neck
Just for a moment I might not feel so *alone
Your name should grace my lips
While I feel your skin against my fingertips
Inside I'm screaming for you to return
Apologizing that it took so long for me to miss you
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
At least, not completely.

I don't want to do this today
This breathing with air absent of smoke
This sitting and waiting
This living
I don't want to do this today
I want to lay on my back and mix clouds of smoke
With clouds in the sky
So that I don't have to exist here
In my own mind full of emptiness
Where I can't find what's missing

Do not make the mistakes that I have
             Let the broken people be broken
       Understand without really understanding
                              Never try too see things as they do
                                             For the more you see as they do
The more like them you will become
             Until you yourself are broken
                              I saw beauty in life till they came along
                                              Now it is empty
Except for the opportunity to understand
             I live to understand
                              To be broken but appear strong
                                               Even though I have held a bottle
My hand shook, but I wasn't afraid
             My eyes were wet but I could not cry
                              I wasn't ready but I wasn't afraid
                                               In that moment I could've died
Leave the brokenness to those who have caught the disease
             Watch them waste away in mournful silence
                             Try not to understand what makes them that way
                                              Or partake in the pinch of a blade
I know you are strong, but so was I
              I was above all the things that crippled them
                              Now here I am shaking on my stilts
                                               Do not try to understand the broken people
                                                          ­             Do Not Be Like Me
*The Suicide Diaries

For someone in a wooden box
Buried six foot deep under the earth
Rotting away into nothing but bones
No longer breathing
Heart no longer beating
Skin no longer warm
You sure as hell know how to make a girl's heart race

*The Suicide Diaries

Who have I become?
Why didn't you tell me that I was changing?
Do you miss me the way I was before?
Or is this how you've always wanted me to be?
Weak.
Helpless.
Sad.
You're not a part of it.
Doesn't that mean anything?
Remember when I was something?
Something to hold on to.
Not I'm worthless.
To everyone but you.

She told him once about the flavor of humans.
That he tasted like old leather and empty bottles of whiskey
He told her about ****** knuckles
And how many times she had been on his mind when he got them
She smiled with her teeth showing
Then she walked away from him again
It’s funny all the things that he thought he knew
Like how much sweeter his best friend tasted against her lips
It’s a shame that she never told him
That sugar sometimes makes her sick

Every wavering breath
Is more peaceful than the last
Holding a sharpened knife
Bleeding away the past
Sometimes the world is grey
And I just feel numb
Sometimes I want to slip away
With the smoking barrel of a gun
Yet each morning I wake up
Blue skies or rain
I dress myself in lies
To try to hide the pain
And here I am again
Breathing in the sorrow
The only thing I wonder
Is if I'll wake up tomorrow

*The Suicide Diaries