Good moods used to promise themselves to me,
convincing me things could stay that way.
That something had changed for good.
But they don't.
So I was left betrayed.
And disappointed.
Because the of lows that follow.
Eminent and looming.  
And you can never out run them.
Not with innocent denial,
or hand fulls of pills.
With every high there is a low.
Just like peaks and valleys.
And so I struggle to stand tip toed.
When I already know whats down that road.

I used to be comforted
by the sound of ocean waves outside my window.
I used to sigh in and out with each current pull.
A heave forward.
A drag backward.
Reliable.
Back and forth. Back and forth.
In and out. In and out.
I used to breath with the water.
And it was simple.

For me there is no easy way.
But I struggle with the best of them.
Wonderful people with demons you wouldn't believe.
Whole, loving souls who deserve everything and anything.
I walk with these people.
We wade through the dire, hopeless trenches of disease.
Mental demons as individual as they are alike.
One day maybe the beauty I see in them will reflect the beauty they see in me.
Because they tell me I'm strong too.
And deserving.
And they should believe me, I know it.
So why shouldn't I believe them?

I am not the monster inside of you
I am a host for monsters inside of me
But those monsters are internal
Unique to me and the orchestraters of my suffering
Like your monsters are not mine
My monsters are not yours

At Intake
I could never have imagined
The agony this journey had in store
For me
And me alone

At intake
I shook with anxiety
But took comfort in protruding bones
on both sides of my hips
At least

At intake
I was naive
I was unlike the other patients
I was so different
I'd never be them

At intake
I just didn't know
How much I would struggle
How much I would loose
What hideous things would come forth

I put in too much
and yield little crop
like an over watered garden
the intention was there
I gifted all my effort
there was no lack of care
but the fruit came up bare
and the vegetables drowned
so my little garden failed

Medicate me
lay me down again
another night
where worries slip away
for moments before sleep
in an imaginary world
where logic falls apart
to an insanity I can keep

Don't leave me to my own devices
the same ones that cut up my arms
whisk me far away from my demons
just for the night
I'll be better tomorrow