I want to yell at you for leaving me
I want to call you every name in the book
I want to slam the door in your face so you know how it feels
I want to make you realize that you were wrong
I want you to know how much pain I went through when you left
And how much I’m still going through
I want you to see how you leaving affected me
It’s been awhile
But the pain hasn't stopped
Neither have the tears
While I’m lying awake at night
Restless from the recurring nightmares
This is what I think about
Every single day is a struggle
Dad
I’m tired of feeling like I’ll never amount to anything
I’m tired of living every day in fear
And feeling worthless
I know I’m wrong for talking to you
And I know I’m wrong for caring about you
Despite all of this
I know I will keep putting myself through all this
Pain
And
Guilt
I will stay
*But only because I love you

I write to make things make sense for me.
Even if what I write is about you, it never is, really.
Writing is the one thing I allow myself to do just for me.
So much chaos, and such a desperate need to see clearly.
Putting traumatic events and rollercoaster emotions down in writing, down in order, helps more
than letting nagging thoughts eat me alive behind my brain's closed door.

As a witness to the world,
I fear our days are few,
I try to live each moment to its fullest
However my mind goes askew.

There's a force, yes!
That's keeping me alive,
A vision, a moment,
I'm striving for, every time.

I see it, yes I do!
Your there in my arms.
We're running, we're dancing,
It's love by far  -

Yet again, I imagine every test,
Every run, every show, and
Every milestone,
Will all bring me closer to you.

Should I live every moment,
Or speed up time?
I don't know what to do?

All I know is,
I just want to be with you.

We are all mere dots in this vast mural:
too fickle and futile
to comprehend the complexities
of existing
where
everything is part of
a design so grand
that it stretches
before and beyond eternity,
a design so intricate
that it weaves together
strangers' destinies
and where
nothing is
contingent and coincidental
nothing is
random and accidental
nothing is
ever
too early or too late.
But
don't just use this as an excuse
to settle in your unfortunate state
because though everything is part
of this grand plan ordained,
our ultimate destiny
is to be something great.