I guess
I would
rather
lose
sleep
than
lose
you.

I want to get so drunk I forget my own name.
The problem is, I think I'd still remember yours.
I've done everything I can to forget you except forget you,
and I don't think it's ever going to work.

Falling in love scares me more than drowning.
In a sense, it's the same thing. You put your heart in someone's hands and if they drop you, it feels like you're being engulfed in a dark hole you'll never come out of.
He left over three months ago.
About a month ago he blocked me on everything and I'm glad he did.
It felt like someone cut a ball and chain from my leg, and before they did that I was stuck at the bottom of whatever trench I was in. Once it was cut, I was so engulfed in the panic I didn't realize I could finally get out.
But I did.
Now I'm just trying to find the courage to get back in the water.
I always wondered why I was afraid of dark water.
Maybe that's why.
You never know if you'll be pulled back under.
You never know when you're safe.

Lying in bed only makes me long to remember the feeling of having someone's arms around me. It only makes me long for it to happen. But it doesn't.
I work part time and start my senior year in a week and I'm ****** on sleep because I refuse to, or I'm never tired at night.
I always sit up in bed.
I always sit up in bed.
Maybe I never lie down because I expect arms around me, but am instead met with a bare pillow.
I should probably change the pillow case.
My makeup smeared on it when I cried.
I know I'm not alone, but I still feel so lonely.
I know I'm not alone but something in me says I will be.
I haven't gotten up today other than to get my paycheck. I contemplated buying myself some clothes. It makes me a little happier.
Instead I crawled into bed and took a nap because at least in my dreams, I forget the loneliness.

Do yourself a favor.
Don't think of the little bit of food that got on their chin that one time in the little pizza place you stopped at together, and how you both laughed.
Don't think about the night you laid on the roof of their car with them, looking at the stars, pointing out your favorite constellations and listening to cheesy love songs.
Don't think about the morning you woke up to their smile when you least expected it.
Don't think about the mornings you woke up to their voice.
Don't think about the long drives where you'd sing at the top of your lungs, for hours and hours.
Don't think about the shows you went to together, and how they cried during that one song, and tried to hide it, but you held them anyway.
Don't think about the moment you made the promise of forever, whether it was the ring in the glovebox they tricked you into finding, or the slow conversation at 2am.
Don't think about the time their car broke down in the middle of town and you helped them fix it.
Don't think about how empowered you felt knowing you could help fix something with them, for them, and made them so happy.
This is something you can't fix.
You can't fix everything.
Somethings are meant to stay broken.
Like the first place you made love,
intimate, raw,
it's not a place you can go to anymore.
Their love does not belong to you.
Yours does not belong to them.
Think about the moment they did the unexpected--
the moment they ended it.
Think about the fact you were expecting a life of happiness, memories, a family, a happily ever after.
Think about how they took that away in a matter of seconds.
Think about how you still deserve that.
Think about how you didn't deserve to get that taken from you.
Think about how they don't deserve you.
Their eyes will forever be your favorite shade of whatever,
but for their mouth to convince you this would never end,
know it's better you got the truth now than later.
Close your eyes.
Put their things aside.
Trust me, you'll get yours eventually.
Lay down and sleep.
You'll dream of them for weeks, months,
you'll think you hear their voice when you don't.
It's for the better.
Your heart was never meant to endure such torture,
and as fragile as it remains once they lift their foot from the wreckage,
why let them have the opportunity to put it down again?
Lift yourself up.
Dust off your coat, your shoes.
It's a long journey from where you are now, but happiness will reappear.
When you're least expecting it, you'll find it again.
And they won't be there.
And that's okay.
I promise.