Lonely? Or just alone,
Confusion is built into my skin
As I let my mind be consumed by the details.
Escape? Or just retreating
To the two items of clothing on my bed.
One so white it hurts my eyes, its angelic nature reflecting you.
The other so dark it echoes his scent that lingers.
I will find the coarsest brush and use it to scrub off the skin he touched as a punishment for returning.
I’ll whisper words of cruelty as my mind is no defender,
merely a perpetrator in building this wall around me.
A wall designed to suffocate,
To rip the breath from my lungs despite it possibly being the last.
There is no escape from this so I'm retreating, I suppose,
wall fully in tow.
To obsess over things I could have, should have and would have done
Had this wall not been a prevention.
I once asked you to spill your deepest secrets
At a time when fatigue was about to take hold.
If only I had known then that I was your surreptitious troubling.
I could have fixed it with my should have dones and would have dones
The same ones that I obsess over to this very day, this very night,
A whispered apology in the only medium I know how:
Pretty words, coming from within that ground me to you
When the space around me doesn’t feel real
And I’m hell bent on self-destruction.
When I wish to wrench the skin from my bones and I’m forced to acknowledge that
It is my fault; I am the one who acted this way.
So next time, I’ll remind myself not to project onto others
For I am the one to blame.
this is like a mash up of a couple of bits and bobs I've written over the past few days so it's all confused and not very well put together I'm just so full of self loathing that I can't focus on anything but I need the distraction poetry gives me