Teeth ripping skin from bone
I tear away at the flesh you dissolved yourself in
Searching for a piece of myself that does not burn
But layer after layer
I find your name
Etched deep into the marrow that makes me.
I will bathe in acid
And burn these bones right into the ground
If erasing your memory from my body
Means erasing all trace of me.
I do not know how to live this existence.
Sleep evades me
The mind torments,
Replaying all the moments I should never have given to you
All the moments you never deserved.
This self-loathing makes me weary.
How could I have been this careless
Heart not survived such heavy rains
To throw itself recklessly
To throw caution to the wind
Despite everything I knew,
Reject all fears and trepidations
And the mind torments
With how I let you see so much of me
The walls I reinforced with such conviction
Fell like they were built on sand,
Because I didn't see you coming
Because you seemed like a soft breeze
But the storm isn't any less ferocious
Just because it begins more gently
And you became everything you said you weren't
And everything I feared you'd be.
What happened to the promise last time
That this time
I'd save more me for me.
I hate that I battled this long and hard
To surrender to something
This swimming against
The tide of my mind
To remind myself daily
Of the impossibility
I can't find what's not in your heart.
I begged you to stay
Pleaded on my knees
Became a person I didn't know
One so heartbreakingly weak.
Still cheap doors shut on me
As I waited on the cold floor
There were long corridors
A mile to the train station
So many associations you had to pass
But there was no looking back.
I faded into darkness
As you fought your way back
To a world so far
You couldn't even see me
Never once had to hear my screaming.
I get shivers down my spine now
When I think about that day
I want to go back and tell that girl
To get up.
It's not worth it
It's better this way
You won't ever need a man
That wasn't man enough to stay.
But I think that's what's fitting now
In a pitiful kind of way.
Though I'm sure you wouldn't admit
I think you somehow knew
If you didn't leave me at my weakest -
The only moment I wasn't stronger than you -
If you didn't get up
And leave me then
You'd never have been able to.
In the currency of our current world
I have been taught for as long as I can remember
That my value as a female exists only
In how worthy I am deemed by men.
'Remember, no-one wants someone that everyone's had'
Was a favourite of my fathers.
A line reiterated to me since I was old enough
To be made concious of my attractiveness.
To be considered one day by men,
Disregarding any of my own desires.
Letting me know my exchange value
Is worth nothing more
Than how much others might want my body.
And by this, we mean
How little they may want it
Once they might not have been the first
Or somewhere thereabouts.
I am not your ****** Mary
Nor your Mary Magdalene.
I am too much ******* woman
To be reduced to such confines
To be put into a catagory
Fit for only men to use
To determine what it is I am good for.
I can be the Madonna and the *****
Whatever I choose
An every bit of brilliance in between.
But make no mistake
Not one bit of my purpose
Is here for your judgement.
Make no mistake
Not one bit of my existence
Is woven into how worthy you find me.
I try to make some sense of this
Spin the rejection into something poetic
Searching for melancholy romance in all the missing.
But it isn't romantic
And there isn't always sense to be found.
Sometimes it's just broken promises
And question marks
And heavy emptiness.
And these useless metaphors aren't enough -
They don't fill.
Sometimes nothing fills
The gaps and empty spaces left
When it all comes crashing down
When people disappoint
And people always disappoint.
These words don't know how to soothe
The anger I feel
And at myself.
Sometimes there's nothing you can say
When your body aches with longing
And your mind tortures you
With all the wishing
For it to have been another way.
These pretty words
And this glorified hurt
Don't make it any of it less true
I think I've always fought accepting
The things I can't undo.
I watch you leave
And I am done with seeing backs.
Tired of handing my heart
To the hands of fragile spines
Who colour their lives within the confines of cowardice;
I watch you leave for the last time.
I exhale the part of me that became entwined with you.
I am worth more than anything that isn't sure
I am worth staying.