I hear the wood creaking
under his steps
His heavy breath
Echoes in the
     long, empty hallway
His whistling
It gets louder
     the pitch gets higher
as he comes closer
The tune
I realize I've heard it before
I've seen him before
A friend.
His eyes, they're always so
happy
Now, the spark is
gone
insanity
madness
It has to be
My heart beats faster
racing
like never before
It's about to jump
I swear he can hear it
The steps
they're closer
so close
Silence.
He's standing at the door,
I know it.
I shiver in hiding
and hear my shallow breath echo
in the darkness
in which I hide
Silence.
he's waiting.
The **** slowly turns
and he creaks the door
open
slowly
Light streams into the room
all I see is
the light
it gets wider, the light
no whistling
no steps
just heavy breathing
and my heart beating
he takes a step

Goodbye.

I woke up to a dream of me kissing your chest
Teasingly nibbling at your flesh
My heart full of smiles
But your eyes shifted away
The same way they did that day
And I wouldn't get a kiss goodbye
Not even in my dreams

Today I said my final goodbye
and did I mention how beautiful you were?
it was if you slept right through it all
not even realizing you're not here with us
I hugged your dad too tightly and said Katie taught me about God
I didn't know what else to say
but I said how I most remembered you
and I like remembering you that way
Your family has a strong link of faith
now I see how that's what you became
And though I lost my composure on the sidewalk on such a vibrant sunny day
I know there was no struggle
I know there was no pain

You hair was fire a gold; not just red (it was always my favorite part about you, not sure if it was something I ever said)
laid upon either side of your shoulders in a soft curl and draped around your face
Your nails were painted red and green
and you wore a red blouse with a beige scarf (wrapped loosely upon your neck with grace)
Stunningly beautiful you were
the most perfect I had ever seen
even in death, your radiance shone bright beyond the seams

Although my tears come and go,
and the sadness come what may
I know you had to go
and I know we had to stay
but we will meet again my friend
I will see you again one day

one day
i will hold you in my arms
and know that the world will not be ripped out from under my feet.

(at 3 am when the dragons of my past beckon to me
and engulf me in flames
i laugh and embrace them because
they will always be there for me)

don't weep for me
my love.

one day
you will not have tears in your eyes
when you ask me
why i cannot stay.

I'm tired** of being used
I'm tired of not being good enough
I'm tired of constantly harming myself to feel something
I'm tired of crying all the time
I'm tired of waiting for something to happen that isn't going to happen
I'm tired of waiting to be happy
I'm tired of not being okay
I'm tired of being hopeless
I'm tired of being in emotional pain
I'm tired of everything
I'm tired of being tired

Aw, come on, don’t be sad,
Don’t you know you are loved?
Unburden regret, cast it down,
Living in the past burns,
Your future will be in flames,
Just let go, relax, hold me.

I need your touch: need!
You want to come in?
Do you? My door is open,
Live now, shed anxiety,
Uncertainty comes from dread,
Dread of what will be.

Yeah, that’s it, snuggle closer,
I have you now, you’re free,
And yet, also bound, safe,
No chains though, just love,
I ask for nothing, just you,
Smiling, happy, not sad: okay?

© Paul Chafer 2014

I keep wondering,
Could I be content with happy?
Ha, that's a funny thought.
I'm blinded by the worst
Yet I pursue it so urgently
What could be right?
The fact that I'm falling in love
But I'm aggressively running away from it.
It's a whirlwind of ignorance,
I'll keep running from yours.
My clarity is being fogged
I refuse.
I hate you
Who am I kidding?
Me, that's who.
My divided contradiction
It's right because I trust you
Could I possibly be content?
I've found it in an anxious trust
My wandering soul
I've found my love
A love for the unsure
Delighted in the journey
Trusting my way through my disbelief
And willingly falling into the very thing that ran from finding.

I am
So tired.
I am cold
And white
And blind.
On my wrists,
Defensive wounds
From a vicious love,
From the kisses
Of a black asp
With constellation eyes.

I have been reliving my death.
I have been choosing
That sweet, frigid venom,
An addict dripping poison into my veins.

But I am
So tired.
I am spent
And lost
And alone.
There are bruises on the soft insides of my arms
From a habit of worshiping
Sharp things.
Under my fingernails,
Dark soil
Evidence of a grave I've overcome
Too many times
And a struggle I've won
At a cost.

I am sick of death.
Sick of attending funerals for the futures I lose
Brutally and unexpectedly.
I am sick of being tolerated.
I am sick of being
Sorry.
I want to feel life in me.
I want to learn the taste of sunlight
And safety.
Of forgiveness--
I hear
It is sweet as warm honey.
(I wouldn't
Know)

I have gazed....
Oh, I have gazed long,
And the void saw me
As I saw it.
And long after I wished I could look elsewhere
I stood, gorgonized, on the edge.

Hold my hand.
Remind me that I have hands.
Spread light
In me.
Forgive me for my gravity as I lean forward on that hollow breeze that's always calling.
Pull me back and keep me
Steady.

I will never be
On solid ground.
I will never be easy.
I will never be
Safe.
I am half light and half shadow,
Half joy and half pain,
Half kindness and half anger.
I am a great, twisted tree,
With my branches in heaven
And my roots
In hell.
Love that in me,
Will you?
Will somebody?
I am ready
To bloom.
I am ready
To live.
I am ready to be exactly
What I am.