I've been trying to write

draw a picture

in colours

for so long





It's not happening




Words blur
sentences get clubbed together
television waves
pixelate
manga and anime
dissipate

I need to write something

there's something missing inside

Help, I can't breathe

Help.
I can't stop thinking

Somebody make my brain stop.

Make it screech to a halt

I don't want to sit and imagine

A hundred ways to die
Tonight

I don't want to lose sleep over this

I can't afford to miss another day of school for this

(people will start wondering)

My ***** little secret


Only mine


Help. Make the voices stop. Make them sing. Make them be quiet.

Let me write.


I need to escape.

She closed the door
On what could have been
Wiped the floor
Of what should have been
Cleared the shelves of our memories
Washing her hands
Of the eternity
That we had both promised.
She painted the walls, and decked the halls
With her new lovers pen
Changed the locks
So I couldn't see her again.
She wrote away our history
On a little post it note
And sent it in an envelope of
Divorce papers
She called in the painters and decorators
And started anew
Put to bed
All that we'd been through
And left me dangling
By a thread
Waiting for the phone to call
For any sign at all
That this wasn't true.
Waiting for the I love yous
That had warmed even the coldest of mornings
Better than any cup of coffee ever could
Waiting for the reassuring cuddles and kisses
That had made me feel so, so good.
Waiting
For
The one person who had always caught me, to catch me
As I fell
Head first into an abyss
Of late nights and stiff drinks
That she'd spent years, pouring down sinks.
But since she's been gone
I've picked up the bottle again
And it's began to throttle the pain.
So I drink down the past and remains in whiskey drops
Until the floor lures me
I lose sight of the clocks
And hit the decks.
If I was a pirate,
I'd make a mighty good ship mate
But as it is
I'm not and I'm late for work
And wearing odd socks
A shadow of the man I used to be.
And even my shadow doesn't recognise me.

She sits there by the cash machine
with her coffee cup of coins
Punctured skin displayed
Braille spelling
"I need to take away the pain"
She is sat where I sat
Not exactly there
But... well
That was long ago
The haze of the night... what is my card number?
Third attempt failed
The machine takes the card
The bank takes everything
It is a long walk home
To a warm home
In cold rain
Numb

Sand dunes edge an indigo horizon
Their creamy shades highlighted
By silver moon
Briny water laps gently at ticklish toes
I breathe you in, great mother
Your looted depths, the womb
We all sprang from
My gaze seeks light across the miles
Hopeful that distant shores are also straining
To find my prism shining in the dark
Chilled arms raise up to hug a body
Too long gone without the warmth of touch
I shiver, grinding sand beneath my feet
Perhaps if I stand long enough, dig deep enough
Stone will form, encasing me whole
The only remnants of life
A single tear
Shed in mourning for a lost embrace

part 1 of 5

Up on a feathered duvet a man conceding defeat
To the Sunday that had just begun
Reeking of last nights sweat, smoke and self deceit
Threads of reality so rapidly un-spun
All that he promised himself to accomplish this day
All that stuff to be tossed in the bin
Procrastination rearranges plans or lets them decay  
And all because of his love for gin
Amnesia of last nights antics plants the seeds of guilt
Shame shall be his shadow today
Enter a recurring thought... *a sword driven to its hilt
Piercing pain added to his dismay
Rusted cogs of cognition screeched slowly into action
"A cure" he grumbled "A cure"
Wearily off the bed searching for medicinal satisfaction
To make last night less obscure
The stark bright light of the bathroom fried his vision
But as his senses normalized
He stared in the mirror shocked, BANG! in a collision
Mouth agape and paralyzed
Finger painted on his forehead, with what must be blood  
G    U    I    L    T   Y
From down stairs somewhere
A woman's laugh
Mocking
Fear took its grip quick
*a sword driven to its hilt

I Like many tend to think what I know at the moment is most true,
although I like to pretend I believe I know nothing,
and use the popularity of the thought, That is what I just said
as an excuse for being self-centered.
I've become what I've feared. Just like you
But maybe you won't- as we are allowed to be different. But we're not
I know that I must unchain my mind from my own protections and coping mechanisms, Am I just your coping mechanism?
I am not just I. You are not just you.
We are everyone else who has ever touched us. What about me?
How could I hate you for treating me differently to protect yourself? Simple- people are responsible for their actions!
My hate is just protecting myself as well. That's what he wants you to believe
I have voices in my head I am not just a voice telling me to be stronger than this, Yes? and they're just as juvenile as I am. Trust me
No wiseness of years because they're only as old as I exist. But I'm your friend
They want to cocoon me inside and keep me safe but they do not know. I love you.
I do not know. But...
I do not always know the best answer. Neither do they. Or you.
And this I know to be most true.

The drunkenness of my mind
Saturated in liquid form
Exasperates the indigenous
parts of my fleeting eyes
Covering the smoke filled
screens of my life
Leaving me hopeless in this
state of uncovered lies.
© 2014 Christina Jackson