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"Why do you live like you're out of time?"
She threw her hands  into the air at the question.
The clock ticks and tocks but never reaches
The time they settled on.
She throws her hands up into the air and lets them collapse into
White-knuckled fists
At her sides.

"Why do you live like you're out of time?!"
He clenched his fists at the remark,
He drank his will to live away,
Because why not?
He smoked until his lungs turned black,
And drank until his head would spin,
And then drank until it stopped.

And she lives like there's no time left,
Because she's been left bereft
Of shade, of color, of willingness to keep at it,
Whatever "it" is.
Because for her,
There is no time left.
She's on her ninth life,
No time left to dilly-dally,
She's gotta make this worth it,
She's gotta give this meaning.

And he clenches his fist,
And punches through the wall.
He ignores the dry wall
Stuck in his skin,
As his head continues to spin.
He lives like he's out of time,
There's no time left
Because he can't figure out
If he's meant for this world,
Or another.
But what if there isn't
Another?
And it makes his stomach tie itself in knots,


Because loneliness
And emptiness
Does terrible things
To people who aren't so terrible.
Cross our heart and hope to die,
we will stick these needles in our eyes.
Create an earth with threads and pin,
visions dance through blood and pain.
Design this world my darling boy,
cut the cloth and make these toys.
Little humans and tiny bones,
malleable limbs and shiny thrones.
Make them selfish, make them cruel,
but none shall lie, not under your rule.
So as your blood makes rivers flow,
I suggest you learn to tightly sew.
For faulty words and drifter’s thoughts,
are something not all humans fought.
Have you looked at your lover?

Their skin. Warm and soft underneath your fingertips.

Fine hairs, sleepy glances. The corners of their mouth lifted into a smile.

Sometimes, it's like peering into an infinity mirror. You see yourself reflected ten-thousand times; you are them and they are you.

Their touch is home and ******* it, you're homesick.

What do you do when your lover's kiss no longer welcomes you?

When anxiety has it's claws pushed into your chest and you can't help but wonder:

What if they don't love me as much as I love them?

Am I a burden?

Am I too loud? Too soft? Too hard-edged and manic?

How can I trust them when I've been hurt by others before?

Love can't cure depression.

Romance won't wipe away anxiety.

Through sideways glances in ***** mirrors, microwave dinners and cuddles under warm blankets—

You smile. You cry. You move on.

You don't have to love yourself to be loved in return.
You are worthy. Recovery takes time.
We'll make this country great again!
I'll build that wall up high.

Climate change? Economy!
It's great! Don't wonder why.

I'll take care of all your needs and get you jobs you'll love.
Raise your right hand for the pledge and pray to God above!

Do your duty as a man and grab her nice and tight!
It's OK if she fights back, they like it rough, alright?

Civil liberties, really, who needs 'em?
Burn the flag? I'll just hang you for treason!

This country is first. To protect it is best!
Whose up for a fun little nuclear arms test?

Capitalism? Yeah, I'm the money master!
Pipelines! Who cares about ecological disaster?

Gays? Girls? Abortion? WOE!
If they want that, send em' down to Mexico!

I'll rule with blood and honor too!
I'll tame this crazy, jobless zoo!

I'll fight for you and family rights!
(Mostly for rich and mostly for whites!)

Minorities? No, I'm not a racist.
It's an alternate fact: Totally baseless!

America the great. America the free!
Put a bigger pair of **** on old Lady Liberty.

Goodbye all you immigrants!
All you do is steal and loot.
Leave a couple of 'em behind:
Someone's gotta pick our fruit!

Thank you all for choosing me!

This is very great and swell.

Prove that you will follow now:
Let's all go straight to-

Heil!
Hospitals:

The smell of stale ***** under antiseptic. Bland steamed food and pills the same color as candy.

Latex gloves and discharge papers.

Medications. Cheerful pats on the back by friends and neighbors; as if one simple smile and it gets better could cure a decade of empty. Anxiety. Manic highs and suicidal lows.

Go to school, go to work. Get a job. Have a wife, have some kids and a house in the suburbs with a white fence and a dog.

"Get over it. I've had it harder than you. You've got nothing to worry about."

Were they right? I had a roof overhead and food on the table. Maybe they were right and I was wrong, wrong, wrong. I could get over it!

What was I missing all along?

Just. Be. Happy.

But not too happy.

"Don't do that. They'll think you ain't right."

Was I ever right, mother? Did I come out of your womb silent and somber? Or did I claw my way out with your blood on my gums?

A textbook case of this and that. Far too skinny, an inch too fat.

Bipolar. Anxiety.

Three years of ****** sobriety.

"Your life is easy compared to mine. You haven't been what I've been through."

Suffering ain't a **** competition.

Am I not sick enough?

Will I ever be sick enough for you?
We were boys, once.
Our mother liked to dress us in tailored suits and leather shoes.
Every Sunday morning. Ready bright and early for mass at 11.

We'd sit in the classroom at the back of the old church hall.
After mass. After the chatter of voices hushed down to whispers; virtuous gossip.

Our teacher fed us images of hellfire and brimstone.

*** and sin.

Satan in a red cape and Halloween horns.

He didn't always look like that.
Oh, no. Mother said that he'd come out all dressed in a suit like mine.

He'd be handsome! His voice would be a choir of one billion ****** souls and once you'd hear it, you'd never want it to stop.

In my eight-year-old mind, I wondered what he did and what he felt when his own father cursed his name.

Did he stare at his dad with his thousand-eyes? Did he protest?

Did he laugh as he fell? In a cascade of feathers and blood.

Maybe he was better off without him.
He'd spend the rest of eternity trying to prove his father wrong. That he was worthy of his love:

That he would be the only son to grieve for the mistake of humanity.

The holy adversary.

The one who would shout his love for The Lord until his throat cracked dry and his chest ached. He, who could see the suffering of his father's own creations.

He, who tempted Eve and proved God wrong and we were flawed from the very beginning. Did he watch Eve eat the apple and savor every bite?

He loved his father.

Did he deserve it?

I stopped going to church on my eighteenth birthday.

What kind of parent would **** one son and praise the other?

Who would let one son be nailed to a board and the other to rot in flames?

Even as a child, I knew.

Through every slap, scold and bruise.

I would never bow.
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