I'm done holding on to these false hopes,

to these broken promises and trust issues.

I can't believe a word you say,
but maybe that's because you're a man of fiction.

I'm hurting all over my body,

everywhere where I wanted your hands on me feels numb,

and after every exhale I think of your smile.  

it hurts to lose someone,
someone who you love.

someone who will never love you back,

someone who never did love you back.

I wish I wouldn't have fallen so easily,

and I wish falling out of love was as easy as falling in love,

because if you wanted me back I would run into your arms

even though you're still clutching the same knife that pierced through me before.

do you know how great it feels
to be able to smile
freely
through just hearing a laugh?

their laugh.
his laugh.

it's different.

it's not like
when you're taking a picture with a relative,
and they say 'cheese'

it's like
  you don't realize you're smiling
until you're not.

until their words have stopped.

age isn't just a number

age is a boundary,
a risk.

age is a label,

from 1-10,

worthless to worth it.

age is a story,
your story.

age shows how much you know,

how many troubles you've faced.

age is you,

you are defined by age.

we dress up at night because in the dark they can't see our imperfections
we hold on tight because we know when we let go we wont be able to retrieve what we have lost
we keep things from people because we're scared to lose them

but imperfections never leave,
your fingers will burn from holding on so tight,
and no matter what there will always be loss.

so why do we try?

it takes me so long to trust someone fully but I trusted him in an instant and he left the same way

I'm upset that I need you- I want you so badly
I would burn my fingertips in the ashes of your cigarettes if it meant that you would kiss me all over with those tainted lips of yours again
I would kneel before you and be at your command if it meant that you would hold my hand and guide me again
I would scar my wrists with the pointless slurs that you've wasted on me in the past if it meant that we could go back to the way we were before she came into your life

but that's impossible
hoping and dreaming for things to get better is pointless- I would have to do something about it but there's nothing I can do, I know that you won't come back to me no matter how much I beg and plead


because to you I'm just a waste of space

JESUS ******* CHRIST
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING
MORE THAN MY WORST HABBIT AND MY DENIED PASSIONS

WHEN YOU TOLD ME THAT I WOULD NEVER FIND ANYONE LIKE YOU YOU WERE ******* RIGHT
I REGRET WHAT I DID TO **** THIS UP
ITS YOUR FAULT AND YET I STILL ******* REGRET IT ALL
I WISH I COULD HAVE LET YOU HURT ME SO YOU WOULD HAVE NEVER LEFT ME
I WISH I COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND SLAP MYSELF IN THE ******* FACE FOR EVER UPSETTING YOU
I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO HAVE YOU BACK
NOBODY ELSE UNDERSTANDS
AND I KNOW THIS IS STUPID OF ME BECAUSE YOUVE ALREADY MOVED ON AND FOUND A NEW ME BUT YOURE THE ONLY YOU THATS STILL BREATHING AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO COPE WITH THIS I DONT WANT SOME OBNOXIOUS GIRL WITH HER HEAD IN THE CLOUDS OR SOME PITY **** GUY WHO WANTS ME FOR MY BODY I WANT YOU AND I WANT ALL OF YOU I WANT HOW INSECURE YOU WERE AND HOW ******* ADORABLE YOU WERE AT THE SAME TIME
I MISS RELATING WITH YOU AND JOKING WITH YOU
I MISS WAKING UP TO YOUR MESSAGES AND NOT BEING ABLE GO GET THEM OUT OF MY HEAD
I MISS DENYING LIKING YOU

I MISS YOU
I LOVE YOU
****

you sit around and stare, looking for someone to notice you. striving for a glance, a look your way, for someone to acknowledge your suffering. you think it'll be okay if someone tells you it will be, if someone offers you their hand and their blood, but it won't be okay.

you turn around, you back off from the world, wondering if that will get you noticed, give you what you need, but it won't. it never does.
' you're in pain, you're suffering, everything is hell for you, everyone hates you. '
you have a family, you have friends, you're surrounded by people who could love you, who could give up their all for you, but that isn't what you want.
you want someone to talk about you, to tell everyone your problems.
you want eyes on you, you're starving for some gratification, for someone to pity you, to take you in so you can humiliate them.
you know it's alright, and so do many.  
they notice how you wonder, how you look for someone to fancy your sadness.
you're not sad, you're not broken, you're seeking attention, seeking blood. would you ever raise a hand to harm yourself? would you ever do what you say you do, what you cry about to strangers?
no, you wouldn't.
it's all a play, and you are the main character.
in this sick play your depicted as broken, a lost soul, when in reality, you're stringing everyone along.
you lie, you break, and you know.
maybe you should treat yourself the way you say you do, maybe you should learn how to harm your body, because then you will finally understand what it's like to hurt, to break, and to hate yourself.
needless to say, you'll never understand. you'll never care about anyone about yourself, about your pain.
that's fine, you do as you please, because one day you're going to fall in love. you're going to strive for that someone, strive for their eyes, strive for the thrill, the vulnerability of love.
but you'll be alone.
they'll call you an attention seeker, they'll avoid you.
no one will want you, and you will break.
you'll hide your sorrows in substance, in abuse, and when resources run low you will use your body.
you'll sell your pride, and your self worth away every night.
every fake sparing glance you give the people who take you, every lie you tell them to keep them going, to make them give you more.
you won't realize you've went downhill until you have a child.
this child will hate you, will disrespect you.
this child will string you along and betray you.

you don't like my words
but you preach yours.

your words are full of frightful hate,
and childish ignorance.

your veins are black just like your distraught style.
and your heart is cold,
just like your fate.

you may think I'm harsh,
you may think I'm incorrect,

but my opinion will still say the same,
just like your indecencies

I'm selfish because I want to know that you've cried over me

I want to know that you've clutched your chest, or pulled your hair while thinking about how much you miss me

I want you to feel heartache when I don't talk to you,
or when you know I'm upset.

I want you to comfort me,

kiss me when I'm sad

or even just hold my hand when I'm anxious.

but this is too much to ask of you,

you don't care.

you never cared, and I don't think I could make you care no matter how hard I tried.

you've moved on,

you're happier without me

but I wish that you were crying.

carve my name into your wrists

I want to see blood come from your pale skin while you cry out my name,

I want you to know how alive you will feel after the first cut.

I want you to know that I'm weak.
I'm weak in the knees when I see you, and I'm weak mentally when you say my name.

I'm easily frustrated.
You see I don't tolerate people well, they're all too plastic and/or obnoxious for my liking.

I can't talk to others well ether.
In the mornings when your mother drives me home I don't know know what to say, and when you're around your friends I'm lost.

I write.
Writing is my escape, it sets me apart from you others.
I write about you and your cute nose, my weird obsessions, and sometimes even my past.

You could break me a million times and I still couldn't find a flaw in your smile.

I'm insecure.
I worry that I'm not good enough 24/7.

I'm feeble like a feather,
sometimes I feel as if I'm the feather and you're the whole bird, but love, don't take this piece wrong, for I, the feather, am honoured and utterly astonished that a perfect bird like you would pick up a wounded feather, as I.

Please, bear with me.

I'm such a ****** person, but I'll clear your clouds every morning if you let me.

Sincerely,
me.

I loved how easily words were spread when they wrote,
how a sentence could be a paragraph with less words.
I remember how much time I spent reading,
how my life revolved around it.

I'd memorize words and phrases,
even traits,
but it would never be enough,
so I kept going back for more.

and more,
and more.

I'm starting to remember why I loved fiction.

the nights that you were here were different.
they weren't full of passion, or romance of our own,
they didn't consist of hands being held or vows being spoken,
they held fantasy and recreation.
a realm to our world;
a land we insisted on staying in.
we used our bodies to portray a new being;
a new story; new regrets.
we never loved each other,
we just loved the thought of the others creativity.
now you're forced into a new reality
and we're here waiting for your return.

I've been beating myself up over you,

I've been wanting to make you smile,

to impress you and make you mine.

but I don't feel good enough.

I feel worthless,
scared,
and alone.

but you're always there.

i felt numb for a moment,

i thought this nausea would go away,

but the thoughts of you just towered back
and made it worse than before.

everybody else
used to be
a nuisance.

we used to block them out,
or talk about how much we dislike them.

everything fit into place
for a while

two people who hate the world
together

not as one,
but just
together.

but I guess
you forgot that
I'm human too

and sometimes
I can be like the others.

you can be too.

you're stubborn and set,
which makes this complicated.

I can't state my opinion if it revolves around feelings,

you'll think I'm dumb.

so I didn't.
I tried my best to stay quiet.
It wasn't that hard

until
tonight.

until you told me that
'I'm just like the rest'

I've never felt
so sick
in my life

I've never felt so worthless,
or so needy to prove my point.

to prove that I'm not like them,
I'm not some worthless scene ***** with her head in the sky
or a selfish **** with scars for attention

I'm me
I'm me and I want you to know that

I'm not them
I may have feelings
and words you dislike
but that doesn't make me
one of them

that doesn't make me
any less than you

that doesn't make me
any less worth it

I'm me
and if you don't want me


then *******

I don't even know if this is poetry anymore,

or if it's just words I put together to get your attention.

there's no use in trying, you'll never read this

I won't let you.

why would I want you to know how worthless you make me feel?

how much you make me think twice,

and how scared I am to lose you.

I'm so cautious with you,

I don't want you to snap on me.

I don't want you to leave me.

you can do whatever you want to me,

but just don't leave

don't make me feel empty,
or stop filling me with your words.

the words that give me joy,
and a reason to wake up.

I don't mind waking up to sour milk,

it's better than waking up to eggs.

you may be harsh,
you may make me weak,
you may treat me like the lesser,

but I'm yours.

I'm all yours.

please,
be mine.

she doesn't understand why I write

how it helps, what it means

it's all just words to her.

she doesn't understand how I feel,

how much she hurts me,
or how much I like the pain

she's so simple.

she doesn't understand what I see in her

I see everything in her.

she's every positive test result, or every complicated exam

she's every sunrise and every sundown,
every constellation,
and even the moon

she's everything

but she doesn't see it.

she doesn't know that I write poems about her,

or that when I'm not looking at her I hope she's looking at me.

she's over me.
I never thought she was into me.
she was never into me.

they never are.

she doesn't understand that I can't just 'move on'.

oh, how I wish it was that easy.

I miss the feel of your lips against mine;
and their taste which was oh so devine.
I miss the redness on my cheeks and the purple on my neck that reminded me of you.
I miss the hands that I held and the words that you spoke;
although they can never be replaced.
not a single man nor woman could show me what you did; treat me how you did.
even though in the end it was all lies
you still mean the world to me

missing someone is like breathing in a sauna, everything feels so thick and unbearable.

missing someone who ruined you is like pulling a trigger of an empty gun, but hoping for bullets.

i'm upset that i got so attached to you when all i was to you was a pest, someone to run to when you're bored of your perfect life.

i believed you when you told me that you loved me all those times, but i believed you even more when you told me that you've never actually had feelings for me.
you're just like the rest now,

and i was so sad to see you go, but it was the best for me.

you called me a psychopath when i told you that i was jealous that you liked someone while we were together,
you told me that i was childish and mentally unstable because you talked to her more than you talked to me.

you called me a nuisance because i wanted to talk to you more and hear your voice,
because i was jealous that you were letting her pull you away from me.

it tore me apart to see how happy you both were after i left you, and how much you would both laugh when i'd get jealous.

my being means nothing to you,

i was always just a chore,
a run to,

and a replacement.

thank you.

I thought I was over you but then you laughed, you laughed and it left butterflies in my chest and me light headed.

Then the dreams came. I had dreams every night that we were dancing, we were dancing in the waves, and in our own adolescence.

But the stares made it worse. They brought back the memories. You spoke about me, you blushed. Your eyes connected with mine and I felt alive. I felt as if my world was shaking but it was okay because I had you there to stabilize me. Just like it used to be.

Although realistically, we're on different sides of the world now and your world is being dominated by a new ally when mine is still unfound. Your hers, to put it simply, and seeing you kiss her instead of me makes me want to *****.

You should be mine.
I could kiss the solar system into your back and write you poetry that will hush you into my arms, I could lure you to sleep with gentle hands and slight bruising but
I guess that's not enough

i always come running back to you,
no matter how many ill experiences you put me through,
i still want to feel your skin against mine.

i haven't yet, and it hurts,
my skin burns where i want you to touch me
and honestly,

you could put me through hell and back but this attraction will not cease,
it'll only roar like the waves,
howl like the wolves,

and work to keep me breathing.

this love is something that i don't want to lose,
even though it's one sided,
even though i can't do anything to make you want me,
i like pretending.
i like how you lie to me and tell me things,
i believe it for a moment until your actions prove your words wrong
but that's okay,
because i'm used to getting hurt.
i'm used to letting people use me when they need me, but let me go the instant there's another opportunity.

don't worry,
i never expected to be your number one,

but i just wish i could have meant something.

you're gone, far gone,

the same distance,
but emotionally you're not mine.
you never were,
but i think we were close.

you don't care about anyone,
and i've come to learn this,
but i thought that maybe
just maybe
i could make you care about me.

i guess i expect too much.

love,
i'll remember you,
i'll remember how you would hide due to embarrassment or put yourself down,
how you would change the subject when i brought up anything serious,
how i made you laugh,
how insecure and adorable you could be,
and how much you meant to me.

how much you mean to me.

please,

*stop coming back to me.

you make me feel sick

maybe it's the sorrow,
maybe it's the jealousy,
maybe it's the way you sway,
or the way you look away,

but something about your everything drives me insane.

the way you used to look at me made my heart swell,
it made me want to dance,
and write poetry all day long.

the way you avoid my gaze now drives me insane.
it makes me feel worthless and like I'm letting you control me,
it makes me feel like I can't impress you,
like you're just a brick wall that's slightly cracked,
but I like the cracks.

I like how each of them form your smile,
or your stress lines.
how they emphasize your chestnut eyes, and bleached tips.

but that smile doesn't work for me anymore.
that smile isn't directed towards me either,
and I don't think it ever will be again.

one day when all the thoughts of you have disappeared, when the pain in my heart has been reduced, I'll shoot you a smile. you'll see what I am, and what I've become due to all these trials and errors, due to all the times you broke me and tossed me away. you will finally understand that I am human too, and you treated me like I was nothing. I thank you for showing me that my existence is of no importance, but frankly, I had already known. I showed no intention, no infatuation, but you pulled it out of me. now I know how vulnerable I am. now I know my weaknesses, my flaws. all because you showed me I was already broken.

it's not like i didn't expect us not to last forever but it's not like i expected us to end like this either because to me you were the night and we both loved the night it's when we opened up and expressed ourselves, it's when we would talk and i could hear your voice that sent shivers down my spine and caused carvings in my walls, but now those carvings are covered up and i don't know what to do with your name or your clothing because i can't stand to see either of them, it creates a hole in my chest and the heaviness returns, all of the tears come out and honestly i hate it to an unruly extent

i hate how much you mean to me when to you i was always nothing but a parasite,
i hate how much i want you back when you're already moved on and ready to shoot,
i wish you could have loved me
and cared about me

and considered me a lover

because all you did was fill me with lies that led my reality and i can't stand it anymore i can't get out of this ******* reality i wish it was oh so easy to forget about lost loves like it is in the movies but it isn't and it burns words into my soul and cuts calories into my wrists until i feel light again but that lightness is only temporary and when it subsides i can't help but feel alone again i can't help but need you beside me kissing me senseless

but it'll never be like that

it never was

i regret

everything.

seeing you talk to her how you used to talk to me puts craters in my chest and makes it hard to breathe because even though this is **** to admit I think I love you more than I've loved before and I think I need your breath on my neck to help my blood flow through my veins

i have to remove your name from my walls, and my chest.

i have to learn to breathe
   without you holding my hand.

i hope that their hands are warm enough to melt your ice,

i hope that you can bruise their skin and they won't care.

       i'm sorry that i cared

             i'm sorry that i didn't let you bruise me

                   i'm sorry i stood up for myself.

i thought you cared but
   i guess i should have believed my mother when she told me that i have a
'wild imagination'.

someday,

when i'm good enough..

you won't be.

farewell, love.

i heard a poem tonight.
it wasn't long,
and the words were gentle,

but it shook me to the core.
i've never been so
traumatized
by words,
words from strangers.

i've never bitten off all my nails
due to 3 minutes of speech.

this poem reminded me of
you.

you're the one who i think about every night before i sleep,
you're the one who i wish i'll never see again.

your smile
  and your wicked games
    haunt me.

they make me feel sick in my own skin,
they make me feel at loss,
and guilty.

three years is a long time
a long time i wasted
letting you take advantage of me.

letting you?

i fought back, of course.
i would kick,
or threaten to scream,

but your threats were laced thicker,
your manipulations were solid,
   there was no going back.

i remember tearing at my own skin,
and holding my breath,
hoping you wouldn't notice my presence.

you always did.

i remember how happy i was
when you would leave
and how much i dreaded your return.

i didn't have anything,
i was just a shy kid who didn't have a story to tell,

and you were the one everyone listened to.
the one who was always on stage.

ms. perfect would never ****** another child, now would she?

no,

of course not.

i know that i'm way past my expiry date,

but for some reason i thought you wouldn't mind..

     what a silly thought,
because that's all you care about.

i know what i want to hear and i know what everyone is going to say but i can't subdue this heavy feeling in my chest and he was so different than anyone i've ever met i ******* miss it so much he made me feel like i was floating and he was holding me up he made me smile when i was angry at him and i was ******* happy to be angry at him i was happy that someone could hold up an argument with me and not back down when they were wrong i was happy that he was happy i was happy that when i told a joke he would laugh and he would remember and i was ecstatic that his life revolved around me just like how mine revolved around him

our love wasn't stupid and pointless like everyone elses, it was rooted thick in our veins and stuck in our heads to the point where it filled our dreams with chiche quotes and airborn fruitflies,

our love meant something,
it meant more than anything and everything,

it wasn't a game, but it was, we were always competing and complimenting each others personalities,

and i can honestly say that you made me believe in love, because my heart forever belongs to you and i cant wait until you come back and claim it..

it's waiting for you,

so please

find me

goodbyes are the worst,

especially when they're not said,

when they're silent.

you didn't even give me the chance to apologize for not being good enough,

i thought..
it was okay..

i thought you were okay with where we were at,
but you weren't.

you've moved on and

i don't know what to do anymore.

all these lines i've filled with you
don't feel so empty anymore

i want to tell you that  
i regret
  meeting you.

i regret how
easily i fell

and how
i can't help but
  want you.

it's selfish,
but i guess that's all you've known.

you don't deserve it.

i don't deserve you.

i don't know if i want you because
you caught me
  as i was coming down from a high

or if it's because
  you're different

you don't talk to me like anybody else has

your words form smiles,
  and flushed cheeks.

when all the words i knew before
formed frowns
  and stress lines.

I listened to you laugh, and it cracked my bones;
I heard you smile, and I cracked my own.
I've been living in a paradox where everything is you; every whisper, every mumble, every tossed out goodbye.
I've been living in a world where everything's a lie, and honestly, all I want to do is die.

you can't
complain to me
about another's weight
and expect me not to feel worthless.

I don't think you know
how much I think
about everything.

I want to be flawless.

I don't deserve you.

I don't want to give you more than what you're asking for.

I want you to love me from a distance,
because I don't want you to be disgusted by me.

I'm not worth it.
I'm not worth the displeased looks,
or extra work.

I'm gross,

I'm nothing.

I would **** myself,

but I want to die pretty.

you tore me away from reality
with simple sentences
and idiotic jokes

you made me forget
everything

I didn't know what to think

or what to do with myself.

I guess I just ended up becoming yours.

now you've broken
everything

you've broken everything and you expect me to pick up the pieces

I will
I can guarantee that

but I can't guarantee that I will find all of the pieces

some will be lost,

maybe even broken smaller.  

some will have been stolen,

by nightly visits or maybe
close relatives

and I know we might be able to get them back but

I don't want to scrape my hands picking up the glass that you broke

I don't want to work for something and go against people while you're sitting in your high chair waiting for some gratification

I don't want my blood all over your floor
when I know you're not even going to help

I don't want to feel
guilty
or vulnerable
when we talk

but I guess that's how it goes

because humans have needs that need to be fulfilled

no matter how hard it is for someone else to fulfil it for them.

if only she knew how popular my poems about her are

if only she knew that she's all I think about

if only she knew that every word is written while I'm thinking about her

if only she knew that I think I'm in love with her

I broke your heart while wearing the bracelet my last gave to me and yet you still think my words weren't sincere

if your voice was a song
i would ride your pitch until i could no more
i would sing along until my voice became weak
i would imagine your lips
and your perfect pronounciations
with want
and denied obsession

most people are prescribed medicine when they're upset,
but i never obliged.

why let something else control you?
why not try to get stronger rather than paying for stronger doses?

i never took my Cipralex because i know it just makes it all worse.

you're still faking a smile if it's only there because of prescriptions.

I was raised being told that words hurt,
and I always believed it.
I know what it feels like to be called slurs, to be used as someone's mental punching bag,

and it does hurt.

but I was never taught that words help.
I was never taught that I could write, and feel, and pour everything out with syllables and rhymes,
I was never taught that I could be myself behind computer screens and nonsense,
I guess that's something I've had to teach myself.

words help,

and it is known that things can make you just as happy as they can sad.

you make it hard to think,

you make it hard to mumble,
to speak.

you make me weak,
breathless.

i don't know what to say,
what to do.

i feel so hopeless,
i feel so numb,
but i like it.

i don't think you understand how much you mean to me,
how much any bit of abandonment tears me apart,
or how every word you say makes my mind race to catch up to my heart beat.

you don't know
how much blood i would shed
to fit your standards.

I remember the first.
she was my standing ovation,
she held me throughout thick and thin.
but I wasn't the only one she held.

and oh, the second.
the second is you.
you with your selfish remarks and idiocy,
you with your hate and irony.
you never cared
but I thought you were my friend.

the third.
probably the hardest.
the third was her;
my light,
my dark,
my everything.
she's my everything.
she will always be my everything.
she lead me and filled me with hops,
but that hope was burned when she spoke.

you three are the reasons I'm me
you three were the reasons I lived

but you're all gone now,
and what am I to do?

I guess I'll just say goodbye,

because I know that's what you all want to hear.

you've ruined all of my favourite songs because I remember listening to them to calm down the butterflies you gave me or to drown out my voice so my parents wouldn't hear when we would talk on the phone

did you mean it when you told me that you loved me? did you mean it when you told me that i'm better than all the rest, all the rest that you pay more attention to? did you mean it when you told me that i was perfect, or pretty **** close? i don't understand what i did wrong, what could have taken you away from me. was it my insecurities? my jealousy? was it the way that i misunderstood your unclear feelings? was it how i loved you, and wanted to be loved in return? that's all i wanted. is she better? does she help you sleep at night too? does she bring those smiles to your face?
i remember when we were talking and you were going through your messages with her,
and you couldn't take that smile off of your face.
should i have caught on earlier that your feelings had changed?
oh, how i wish i did.
i wish i never met you,
never fell for you.
you and your manipulative ways, you and your hateful words and taunts.
you lead me on,
and oh what a great job you did.
i hope they break you like how you broke me.
i hope they make you feel like your stomach is rotting and your skin is peeling,
i hope they make you starve.
because all of this i've done for you,
i've gone through for you.
i've changed so much for you, and worked on all of my indecencies.
i've thrown up meals so that i could have a body that would be easier for you to hold,
but you didn't notice.
you don't care.
you never did.

i'm sorry,
i wish you could have noticed all of these things.
i wish you could have loved me, and not lied to me.*

i wish you would come back to me.

I did more for you than I have anyone else and you just threw me away as if I was a plate with no design