did you mean it when you told me that you loved me? did you mean it when you told me that i'm better than all the rest, all the rest that you pay more attention to? did you mean it when you told me that i was perfect, or pretty **** close? i don't understand what i did wrong, what could have taken you away from me. was it my insecurities? my jealousy? was it the way that i misunderstood your unclear feelings? was it how i loved you, and wanted to be loved in return? that's all i wanted. is she better? does she help you sleep at night too? does she bring those smiles to your face?
i remember when we were talking and you were going through your messages with her,
and you couldn't take that smile off of your face.
should i have caught on earlier that your feelings had changed?
oh, how i wish i did.
i wish i never met you,
never fell for you.
you and your manipulative ways, you and your hateful words and taunts.
you lead me on,
and oh what a great job you did.
i hope they break you like how you broke me.
i hope they make you feel like your stomach is rotting and your skin is peeling,
i hope they make you starve.
because all of this i've done for you,
i've gone through for you.
i've changed so much for you, and worked on all of my indecencies.
i've thrown up meals so that i could have a body that would be easier for you to hold,
but you didn't notice.
you don't care.
you never did.

i'm sorry,
i wish you could have noticed all of these things.
i wish you could have loved me, and not lied to me.*

i wish you would come back to me.

my chest hurts,

my palms burn.

my fingertips are numb from so many pointless explanations,
things just never get through to you.

i want to suffocate myself
in your chest

but she's already there,

my place is taken.

please,
stop mocking me.

you've ruined all of my favourite songs because I remember listening to them to calm down the butterflies you gave me or to drown out my voice so my parents wouldn't hear when we would talk on the phone

if you kissed my lips as passionately as you did my thighs maybe i would have believed you when you told me that you loved every inch of my tired body

my skin is barely intact,
  and my hair has split ends.
i'm not perfect,
   but i try.

i try for you.
do you even notice?

i've changed my style,

i've eaten your words instead of calories,

i've mentally prepared myself for when you leave me.

you told me that it was okay.
that even with all of my flaws i was perfect,

but you lied.

it's coming to me now,
all of the lies that you filled me with
are becoming so clear.

you do care that i'm not size zero,
you do care that my hair dye is fading,
you do find it annoying that i'm shy,

you don't like me.
but that's okay,

because i'm used to being just a thrown away toy.

I hate it
I hate the way that everyone looks at me
they way they laugh and mock
the way their voices sound;
it's so dreadful;
so filled with negative and hate.
sometimes I contemplate ending it.
just so I don't have to hear them;
just so I don't have to think.
but I know it's not worth it.
"it all gets better"
.. right?
that's what they all say as they hand you prescriptions,
as they send you off for seven hours to hear nonsense
but, "it all gets better"
so what does it matter?

your words wore silver;
but your gaze was golden.

you kept promises;
you held on.

you fed me your words
and I read them with glee.

I held onto them and gave myself to them.

I let you feed on me
as if I was your treasured prey.

I guess I wasn't that spectacular though.

something changed.
you stopped spoiling me with your words;
and for days I was worthless.

then you came back.
you continued with your lead passion;
with the words you knew I loved.

but those days I was merciless had already torn apart your silver;
they stole your gold with selfish regard and broken palms.

you were cold; merciless.
it was as if I had done something;
   as if I held on too tight and made you run

and oh did you run far

I guess I should have known
it wasn't going to last
it never does

maybe I should have left sooner;
played hard to get.

but it's hard when you're always watching.

me.


she doesn't like how I look at others
or how my lips pronounce anyone else's name
she doesn't like how 'everyone wants me' like she does
she doesn't like my style
she doesn't like my sincerity

my eyes, lips, and nose?
oh, of course she doesn't like that.

nor do i

I don't like how I look at others
I don't like how I pronounce anyone's name other than hers
I don't like how she doesn't want me
I don't like my style
I don't like my 'sincerity'

my eyes, lips, nose?
yuck.

but I'm honestly starting to wonder

which one of us is in denial.

even though you're not mine anymore i still get jealous knowing that you think of her before you rest

I still drive myself insane with thoughts of what you're doing

I still want you

It's been nine months and I feel like I need you

I want to kiss your dry lips and make you mine again

I want you to speak my name like I'm your own goddess and look for me in a crowded room

I want you

but you're hers

you'll never kiss me again or look at me with wanton eyes while you bat your eyelashes

but I want you to

I ******* want you back so badly

money is scarce,
but isn't it always?

space is free,
because you're not here to occupy it.

time is wasted,
    because I mumble, and freeze up.

but I think
  that's okay
    because I don't want us to be      
                          normal.

I don't want to treat you like your next,
or your last.

I want to be someone you remember,

someone you think back to and smile.

I want to spoil you,
  with my words
    and gestures.

with how much
  I think about you,

how much time I have  
lost
in you.

I want you to know that you're my everything,

and I want that to make you feel amazing.

I want to make you feel amazing.

I** would like to thank you.

thank you for making me feel disgusting in my body,
and telling me i'm not worth it.

thank you for judging me,
and getting upset with me over nothing.

thank you for telling me not to talk to anyone,
while you're miss popular.

thank you for helping me hate myself,
for putting so much negatives in place of my only positives.


thank you
for making me laugh
for taking away the pain
for numbing my brain
for making me forget it all
for letting me fall in love with you
for leading me on
for tempting my lips
for treating me special
for making me cry
for over sexualizing my body
for calling me ruthless slurs
for not having the guts to approach me
for telling me you didn't believe in me
for turning me down
for telling me to find someone new

oh thank you,
for being you.
for showing me who you really are.

madison i hope this world gives you hell,

only because i want you to run back to me.

i'll comfort you through the storms,
but i guess you don't need it.
you don't want it.
you never did.