i used to write all the time
where's my motivation
where's my imagination

smoking packs is all i do
why am i so **** confused
i want to hide
i want to run
chasing dreams is not so fun

i feel alone in this big world
i'm like a clam that lost its pearl
my head keeps spinning
i'm not taking i'm not giving
life feels empty but i'll keep on living

the pain is strong but so am i
if i really try i can touch the sky
so i'll keep on fighting through the pain
**** the storms and **** the rain

i can do this there's no doubt
it's just so hard getting off the couch

it’s like my body is a roller coaster
there
for anyones pleasure
what goes up
must come down
so enter me without any thought
until the ride is over and you can walk
away
power and strength all in your possession
and i am left with
nothing

because who wants to thank me
for the acceleration
the quickening of breath
the energy
the never ending rush of excitement

who wants to spend a few extra minutes on this roller coaster
smiling
with thankful eyes
maybe returning the favor?
oiling my gears and making me
sigh with pleasure
rather than
squeaking with pain?

but that is to much to ask

once you’ve reached the end,
and what was once up is now down,
and your heart is slowing its pace

you can go find another ride
another roller coaster
that will take you for a few spins
for a few minutes of satisfaction
until it is over and you’re tired

and i’m tired

but who cares
because the next ride starts now
and what goes up
must come down

two months ago, he pushed me into a corner and grabbed my breast
two months ago, he told me not to worry and groped away
two months ago, i frantically fought against his touch
two months ago, i was sexually assaulted.

one month ago, i was still the only one who know
one month ago, i blamed myself
one month ago, life seemed worthless
one month ago, i wanted to die

three weeks ago, i reached out for help
three weeks ago, i realized the trigger of all my self hate
three weeks ago, i came home hoping to leave it all behind
three weeks ago, i cried

today, i am numb to the memory
today, i don't give myself enough credit
today, i am still insecure because

two months ago, i was sexually assaulted.

Today is Self-Harm Awareness Day.
Wear orange to show your support.
To Self Harm survivors thank you for being a constant light
in a world that can be so dark.
To those currently struggling with Self Harm
I want you to know that you are more
than just the cuts and scars on your arms.
You are a warrior
and you have so many people including myself
cheering you on.
You will get through this struggle.
I believe in you.
You are greatness who will one day change the world.
Stay strong!
Keep fighting!
You got this!
I love you!
Sending you a million hugs and more!

when we remember
what the times have been
that made us into what
    and who
    we are today
we travel deep into our past
to hear our mother’s voice
our father’s not so friendly gripes
when we fouled up a task he gave to  us

our friends, our teachers, our loves
whose interactions shaped
who we eventually have become  
while we believe that we have always been
     so independent and  autonomous

it may be worth a moment to reflect
     upon the influences
     we are inclined to casually neglect
and recognize the fact
     that we are always part
     of that great whole
     which we so desperately try
     to disavow for individuality

only to recognize a few years later
the minimal common denominator

life is a wonderful excursion into space and time
always surprising, turning on a dime,
leaving us puzzled well unto the end
always intent to look beyond
the next bend of the river …….