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one of the gifts for your birthday was
nonexistent constellations etched in your skin
cascading down your shoulders evoking
subdued squirms
        my ever gallant one

I swore they'd guide you home
these nebulas of crooked flora dusted
with sugary swirls of the Milky Way
a biblical formula of unquestionable permanence
        but

it was I who followed the ink which
washed down your drain
through sewers out to sea
        it was permanence
        shelter
        which skin couldn't give
and in those lullabies the ocean sang I
saw the stars clearer
        a better map than all your body combined
        could ever give to cure cosmic wanderlust
when i sleep, i dream. when i dream i

i am lost in the woods little bird lost in the woods alone in the woods
so small so young so green
i grow
as i have grown
as i will grow
my mind melts
mutates
i am someone else
i have lost all meaning
everything has lost
all
i am grown
i have grown
i will grow
as i float i am growing
as i fight i am growing
i remember little bird
lost in the woods alone in the woods
all alone
all
who am i? who was i?
who am i becoming?
have i forgotten?
or did i ever know
and where is the future
where is my future
why so intangible
why so unmanageable
where is the knowing
where is the sense of stability
where is the meaning i was promised?
who promised
who said
who
left me alone, all alone, alone, little bird, alone in the woods,
who am i?
(then in a hundred different voices) who am i?
where am i?
why am i?

when i sleep, i dream. when i dream, i am lost. i try to stay awake
to hold my mind awake
an object in motion will stay in motion
oh let not me rest
maybe if i stay awake
if i work harder
all the time
i wont lose.
We cover illness with flowers
and flowers die

The inside of my mouth tastes like it is decaying
I hope I lose all of my teeth first

Maybe its just the scotch and *****
But there is a burning in my throat

Maybe it is Satan just making his way out
I cannot recall the moment
that sanity became a working goal.

Drugs are expensive,
sobriety; even more so.
Somewhere between all of this
I will have to learn to live.

The homeless are pushed out of town,
asleep beneath the railway bridge
that sends rain through rivets
like bullets.

I keep punching the clock
as it throttles Eros with slow hands.

“Sometimes just a smile is enough”
reads a cardboard placard.
But I have not cracked a smile
since I started popping these pills.
c
There is a line I cross across myself and beside myself I lay broken
With every sigh there is goodbye and I reside by words I've never spoken
I need help
Staying strong has never felt so wrong. Staying strong has never felt so wrong.
           Staying strong has never felt so wrong.
Staying strong has never felt so ******* wrong.
                                                                ­Staying strong has never felt so

**** me.
******* **** me.
Give me your lips and thrill me.
Perk up your shoulders as I lay there and smolder
thrill me.

Whoops, there I said it and if I feel it then I must really mean it
and if I mean it, then I must really want it
and if I want it then I'll eat fire.
And duh-duh-duh he's going to eat fire, ladies and gentleman.
Boys and girls,
there are seven wonders of the world
and you'll never see them, let alone be them.

You ******* *******
I trusted you
I was just a child

"I'm scared."

You touched me in ways that you thought would bring satisfaction
but all you created was destruction

"You do it or you go to hell. It's in the bible."

Just because you corrupted my body
doesn't mean that you corrupted my being.
And you will never know who I am
just because of my body.
I have heaven inside of me
and oceans so deep in my heart
that I can drown others with my love.

I am not what the TV says I am
I am not what a textbook says I am
I am not my grades
I am not the flames that have burnt me

I am love
I am hope
I am the fingers brushing her face
I am courage
I am ambition
I am fighting to fix everything
while you lay dead and broken under dirt that is above you.
Above you.
Above you.
Above you. Above you. Above you. Above you. Above you.

This is the one time I will not be weak.

If I can overcome this then I can overcome anything at all
and if I can't
then forever I'll fall.
Liz Taylor once said:

"Pour yourself a drink,
put on some lipstick and
pull yourself together."

I stopped believing in the positive power of alcohol
when I saw the struggle in my
70 year old great uncles bloodshot eyes
the time I caught him at 2 am
reaching for the whiskey in the top shelf of the cabinet

I apply lipstick every day
all crimson scarlet blood pooling on my breath
all dripping cherry popsicle
all lip stains on your neck and pillowcase
all red on red on red

I can't ever seem able to pull myself back together
Like stitches coming undone on a wound
Like egg shells cracking on hardwood floor
I stopped trying after 3 years of puzzle pieces
These days I make sure I never fall together so I never fall apart
I read somewhere the other day that small talk keeps the brain sharp,
So that's probably why I'm stupid  
But I don't understand the fascination in needing a vacation and the weather, or where you bought your brand new ******* sweater.
I'm sorry I can't participate in your name brand conversation, but talking about your Michael khors watch just seems like such a bore.

What I really want to ask you is:
Have you ever screamed your lungs out on the top of a mountain?
Or have you ever tried to drown yourself in the shallow waters of a fountain,
Have you ever watched the sun spit out pieces of gold on a quiet little creek?
Tell me all the things that used to make you feel unique.
When was the last time you felt whole inside?
When was the last time you blatantly lied?
Who do you want to fall asleep next to every night?
Tell me what you think about our nation's lack of human rights.
How many weekends can you go not being sober?
Tell me what you really think about the boy who ******* you over.
Why are you so afraid?
Do you fear you'll explode like a grenade?
I feel like that sometimes.
But I know I'll never get anywhere if I hold it all inside

But your mother told you always be polite,
And never bother anyone with their personal insight
Religion, and politics, don't ask too much
For everyone may get into a fuss
So everyone walks around talking about things that don't matter,
With worlds as shattered as a broken wedding platter
Everyone wants to talk about what's on the outside, but some fear holds back the depths of our soul.
And finally when you're six feet under, you'll realize you've just been digging your own hole
And maybe I'm not sad, I'm just overly enthusiastic about things that no one else is. And all these things everyone gets so excited about make me angry, and then the people even make me angry. They always talk about unimportant things and it makes me feel so distant and far away.
I know I'm not much different from you, we're made out of all the same types of cells making up such different brains with different opinions and priorities. But we have the same feelings. Deep deep down you know what it's like to be lonely. I wish we could talk about life and the universe together but you act like you're a monogram on a fancy *** t-shirt. You're not a name shared with 2 million other people. You are a soul. We're all just people and that's the greatest thing we've come across as a species, and although we're pretty awful, we're also pretty wonderful. We need to get to know EACH OTHER, not these material things that can be lost and stolen and broken. YOU can be lost and broken and stolen too but let's prevent that by saying a little more than "small talk".
They say mind over matter as if it is a good thing
As if it is a good thing that my mind is taking over my body
As if it is a good thing that my mind moves my mouth to say things I don't want to
As if it's a good thing that my mind gets so cluttered I can't even see straight
As if it's a good thing that my hands move to hit when I don't want to
Or when I can't even leave my bed even though I have a thousand things to do
Or when I start shaking uncontrollably, like the heart within me has cracked down the middle and shifted out of place like tectonic plates
When my mind turns me into a walking earthquake, HOW is that ok?!
They say mind over matter as if its OKAY for me to still cry about things that don't matter
As if it's ok for Ruby Sparks to snap her fingers and bark like a dog
MY MIND IS TAKING OVER EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS AND THERES NO WAY I CAN STOP IT
My mind is not a sacred pure place, it it is dark and angry
I can't change it so easily because controlling the thing that is in control is more complex than you think
I control my arms with my brain, I control my mouth with my brain, I control my legs with my brain
but how can i control my brain with my brain
I did some frantic writing in the woods today. God this is awful. I'll work on it.
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