Instagram, nothing.

snapchat, nothing.

Twitter, nothing.

I sit in bed, alone for the 100th day. alone.

hate is a strong word that I can only use to describe my feelings towards you

hate is what fills my eyes with tears everytime you spit your degrading words towards me, you spit and spit until I am nothing but a puddle of sadness and pity

a puddle of hatred that you splash and stomp your feet in, with each stomp my the hatred grows and expands until I become a ocean of hate

yet you dont seem to care and keep swimming in me

the hatred I have for you is something I wish I did not have, I wish I was a ocean of love and admiration for you

but you can only seem to put me down and belittle me

so a ocean of hatred is what I am

loneliness makes my veins hurt. like as if they are being drained of the blood inside of them. loneliness makes my eyes tear up, with all the fluids I drank today to make myself look preoccupied in order for people not to think I'm a loner. I feel lonely.... and it *****.

I want to go out with a friend, I wish I had a friend. I want to feel love, not the bf/gf type of love but any love. I want to be loved, I want to be cared for by someone other than my mother who has to love me. I want to not sit alone in my room and cry about being lonely.

I want self growth, I want to be the person I've always wanted to be. someone who is happy and contempt in life. I feel scared and alone. I'm scared of facing reality and the fact that no one cares about me. I'm scared to go to graduation because no one but my mom and brother will cheer for me, I'm scared of that because I'll be embarrassed and probably drop my diploma out of frustration. I'm scared to grow up. im scared to face the even more free time I'll have to fill with self pity in college.

I have to get a job soon and I'm scared ill **** up. I'm scared to do anything that will embarrass me. I dont want to go to a new environment. I want to be able to be happy In a place i know. that's why I regret quiting my job, I knew how it worked and how to do things. but now I'll have to embarrass myself working at a new place. meet new people. fake smile at new customers. fake smile at myself in the mirror.

I always complain and never try to make a change.

as I write this my veins hurt, my heart feels weird. I read last night that loneliness can ****. I tried to die last September, but that was on my own agenda.

I'm not sure if I want to die just simply because my heart couldn't take the fact that no one wanted to be around me. it hurts.

I'm tired of the pain. I am so tired of this constant feeling in my veins that makes me want to rip them out.

snow, snow

look it's snowing

let all your worries go away like snow being carried away by the wind

It's snowing

The snow has fallen onto your shoulders adding more weight onto your shoulders

Close your eyes
Breathe in breathe out

Look at the snow

It's falling

I'll make you a warm cup of tea

Tell me about your day

It's okay to be stressed

Watch the snow fall and tell me about your day

It's okay to let tears fall down your face

Watch the snow fall and let the tears fall down your face


It's snowing

thanks, to you who's words comforted me.

thanks, to you who's voice wrapped me up in a warm blanket safe from the world.

thanks, to you who made me laugh during sleepless nights.

thanks, to you who showed me that it's okay not to be perfect.

thanks, to you who I have never met.

I feel like I'm taking attention away from him. attention I know teenagers so desperately need at the age of 15, he says it's okay. but I know its not.

at the age of 17 I am being treated as if I will break at any moment. my brother who is only 15 puts me in a safe spot along with all the other delicate things in our home, right next to my mothers good china.

at the age of 14 my brother witnessed my first suicide attempt. he held me in his arms *** my mother tried to make me throw up. at the age of 14 he almost lost his sister.

so when I start smiling less and caring about myself less he notices, and attempts to make me laugh. all I do is give him a weak smile.

the smile he had on his face when I went to his orchestra concert after isolating myself in my room in autumn, warmed my chest.

a good sister is what I want to be.

someone who will be there and not take anymore of my mothers attention from him.

I want to pay him back for being there for me through all of those dark times, but first I need to learn how to be a good sister.

2 hours of sleep and theres nothing to do but think
beats from lullabies softly sound in my ear
its 3am and I'll be getting 2 hours of sleep
2 hours of sleep to keep me going through this meaningless day

sit and eat
the 2 hours of sleep my body and mind so badly craved only fuel me to sit and eat

the soft taps of my dogs paws on my wooden floor dont make me smile anymore
2 hours of sleep make me feel so uninterested in everything I love

2 hours of sleep because I am worthless and have nothing to do but stare at my screen

2 hours of sleep is all I need

I dont love you

but I still think of you

of when we loved eachother

when we were one

unbreakable

I think of you being better off than me

maybe I was the one holding you back

your smile

your eyes

your skin

they all look happier now

I don't love you

but I dont hate you

I just miss us

whatever we were

I long for it

I stab and cut my flesh and there is no pain.

the warmth of blood is all my skin feels.

I cut myself open and expose my heart and yet I feel nothing.

the warmth of my blood is all my skin feels.

I touch my heart with my bare hands..... a throb.

warmth and a throb.

a new feeling brings joy to my face.

I carve my heart out and feel it throb till my body gives out.

no more warmth.

no more throb.