thanks no thank you yes may i see a menu? have a nice day the blt please i don't need one bass please i might as well look the part i'll try the country boy ipa thank you no change.

beauty is most tragic of forms, like the gentle rain at the end of summer, marking the end of life. my hurt is endless, it softens and hardens of its own will. beauty in form, form in it, it being love, love that never ceases, love that cannot die. love that will not die. it goes on and on, like currents of the great ocean, like the days of my life. a river of blood and tears and ***** flow endlessly along my path, in an attempt to dry my veins and numb my pain. you, of the earth, my lonesome love, my one and only. may our gods bless your world. may they help you realize my love was true, that even in our dysfunction, there was nothing more important to me. you of godly names, my eternal lover, my heart and hands, my hurtful other, i will always love you.

good night and god bless the liquor.

dear most lovely one,

Here I sit, bed ridden in sight of the setting sun. This weary mind is weathered from pain and grief and these features are spread too thin to see youthful man inside my heart. In this room of sterile whiteness, shadows grow into each other, Preying on my feeble time. Despair would have captured me long ago had it not your memory. I have thought of you every day since the day we met so long ago when we were but children. And until the breath ascends out of this wrinkled shell, you will be with me. My love, my friend, my other half.

It's been 42 years since you and I last spoke. And the time I have is so brief, I know we never will again. Please just know that my unquenchable heart will beat it's last moment in your hands. I gave it to you once and it has always been yours ever since. My sleep is around the bend and when I am returned to the earth and tides, I will finally be able to embrace you again, In the wind.

Goodnight my sweetest part.

Woe befalls the foolish one's who love too soon. For when our hearts are but one and same, the world falls away along with all sorrow and shame. But as the flames of love wisp and wain, the simple hearts of newest lovers know not what to do in vain. So in the wake of broken souls and shattered dreams, there we sit and there we'll stay. Long past the time of mended wounds, Woe befalls the foolish lovers, the one's who loved too soon.

a breath, like an echo. my chest rises and falls in the lonesome dark. nothing but the soft hum of my electric abacus to keep my attention. the darkened corners pumping out shadows only one's soul could truly feel. i sit alone, my space filled with my thoughts of you and yesterday. I'm tired of this solemn place, forever sparse, my memories slowly choking me dry and instead of fighting or struggling or breathing real progress, my eyes get heavy and i just end up sleeping. these walls are blank now, the love that coated them crumbled away such a long while ago, like old paint. cracking and peeling. now their just stained an ugly yellow and *****. sickly looking, i suspect, much like my insides.

light peaks through the my dusty curtains now, but this is not the light of hope or change. its bleak and hollow. when felt, it has no warmth. its only purpose is to taunt and trick the fools who dream of the sun.

these days, i wish i had laser vision. that way when i walk the streets filled with filth and rich folk, i could vaporize the useless ******* that want to be treated like kings when their stepping on the spines of our dreams. i want to be able to blacken the sky and boil the ocean just to see the terror on our faces. watch as we run around like ants being stepped on by a horrible snot-nosed little god. i want bombs to fall from the dark nothing above, ejected from the heavens and lay waste to my dingy little city, turning everything we know to ash.

my ghost would dance in the dust that was once you and me and the good things, the ugly things and even the things i loved. my ghost will spit on the dirt to confirm that this world is no longer sacred.

past it all, all the hurt and the tears and the loneliness, all the drinking and smoking, all the silly things we said and all the things i've wrote and all time in between, i still miss you. plain and simple. i miss the way you make me feel. i won't die. but it hurts. every day. i can't replace you. it just isn't possible. every day all i want to do is run all the to your house and tell you i still love you. but i don't because i have a feeling it won't  go the way it does in my dreams. i know i haven't been around on the earth for very long compared to some but i want you to know that our moment together when we loved each other, that was the best time in my life. and i don't really see how anything that comes after can be any better.

i miss your face and the way you snore and the way you smell and your laugh and your eyes and every thing else you possess that just isn't the same when i look at other girls.

i miss you. plain and simple.

Lovely little Lover, I mean Liver. Sorry, I'm a little drunk. I'd just like to say, no matter how the world phrases you, You are a perfect part of me. Just like my Heart or my Soul, the only exception being of course you work much harder for us then the rest of those louts. We are always one. My one wish is that I could filter you out, as you do me. Make our hurts go away, our silly feelings but a whisper in the breeze of life. Cause when faced with the whole picture, all we'd like is to live 3 sheets to the wind and when finally stricken with death; to die as a real animal, alone without worry as to what comes next.

I love you.
Yours, G.

sleep is for the weak. and the stupid. for when one sleeps, they inevitably dream. and when one dreams, they try and escape the nightmares of life for a better place. though sometimes, it turns out being a worse one.

a gamble.

but one with no odds.

and only the stupid and weak put their lives in the hands of something they can't control. something that may backfire. so i stay awake with my eyes open and my consciousness sturdy. watching the sun set and wake, knowing, breathing, the clockwork of time.

and though it may **** me, i will never dream again.

for when one dreams, they believe they are free.

and the sad fact is, i am chained.

i can never fly. and all my memories of the wind and the sky, they were just a dream.

but i am awake now. so good morning.

The way the whiskey flows makes fools of us all, especially the soft hearted and hollow eyed. I drink for the times I felt like as if I mattered, we get drunk because we know it was never true. 24 and  nothing much left. Just time to waste until darkness drinks me up. I am but a silly lummox, lost within myself. Braving the endless crystal seas, I laugh despite an absence of any joke.

I am the captain of a beautiful ship, stuck inside a bottle. Built painstakingly just for me.

hello.
hi.
how are you today?
ok, as usual i guess.
just ok?
yep.
would like any tea or water?
no thank you.
ok. well, how was your weekend?
fine i guess, i went out with schuyler and his girlfriend and austins girlfriend. i guess their friends now. we went to the beach. i didn't eat anything and drank all day so i work ****** the next day.
you don't sound very enthusiastic, didn't you have a good time?
sort of, cora brought a friend and i apparently wooed her somehow.
well that's exciting. are you interested in her?
not really.
why?
i don't know. she seems really nice and smart, i just don't have any real motivation to go through all the dating hurtles right now.
can you explain?
(long exasperated sigh) i'm just tired of being disappointed. the person i'm in love with dosen't love back anymore, i don't really want anyone else and the idea of meeting some new person that somewhere down the line will tell me i'm "perfect" and then leave when i've invested myself into them sounds pretty awful.
what about all the parts of dating?
what about them? i guess i'm just tired of going out with people and thinking of willa the entire time. it makes me feel boring and crazy. i try to hide it and not focus on it and you know what happens? i get asked like 4 times a day if theres something bothering me. i'm just too transparent.
i understand, how you feel but you have to move on.
i know that. i want to. i deleted my facebook, my tumblr, i took down all the things she gave me and put them in a box, believe me, i'm trying. but despite everything, i have these moments where some random little thing reminds me of her, a song, a youtube video, a street, something someone says. and all i can do is think of how amazing she is and how much it hurts to not have her in my life.
...
i understand.
...
how was sunday?
...
...
i'm tired of them.
why?
i don't really feel like talking about it.
(light scoffing sound) well, i hate to break this to you gil, but that's kind of why your here.
(slight smirk) yeah i guess that's true. i'm tired of them because of they make feel fake. i have to be this different person that is nice and helpful and almost chipper. and it ***** when im in a bad mood and i just have be that way anyway.
does pretending ever trick you into being happy?
not really.
do you like your job?
sometimes. 60/40 these days. but since the breakup, i have to see her pretty much every sunday which kind of *****.
really? that must be difficult. why do you say "kind of *****"?
its a bitter sweet thing. i like seeing her cause she was my best friend and the person i loved more than anyone and its nice reminder that all it was real but at the same time its a reminder of how its gone now.
plus she doesn't get it.
what do you mean?
i don't know, shes just so ok with everything. we're on apposing ends of it all and i bet she doesn't even think about me anymore.
i'm sure that's untrue.
yeah maybe. i don't know. she just seems so happy whenever i see her and i wish it was cause of me.

end

( Knock, knock. )
Hey, can I come in?
Hello, yes of course. Would you like any tea or water?
No thanks.
Ok. So how was your week?
Fine, I suppose. Actually now that I think about 60/40 on the ****** scale.
Explain.
I don't know, I've been dating this girl for a while now and it doesn't feel like it's going anywhere.
Andi?
(Cough.) Yeah.
Hmm, I thought things were going well with her. Can you explain your feelings a little bit more?
I guess I'm feeling like she likes me, just not enough.
What do mean not enough?
I mean she likes me but it feels like i'm just somebody to occupy her time until finds someone who is what she really wants. And I'm not sure if she's what I want either... I don't know.
Hmm, that sounds frustrating. Are you sure your not just misreading her? I mean, everybody has a different dating style.
That could be that i'm just reading into it too much but she's kinda flakey and if you ask me, thats a good way to tell how much they like someone.
Not always, but I understand how you feel. Maybe you should consider asking her how she feels?
I don't think I'm at that point yet. The thing is, sometimes we have a lot fun. I guess i'm just confused.
Dating is hard. It takes a lot of courage.
I suppose. I just want to find someone that makes me as good as willa used to.
I know, but I don't think it does you any good to focus your past relationships.
Yeah... I know. Can we talk about something else?

End

I read a poem today that changed my life forever. I forgot it though and now all there is a feeling of salvation that that I'll never know. It's a crime to fall in love... At least at the depth I do. I dive too deep and by the time I realize i'll never get to Atlantis, I try to ascend without the bends however I never quite make in time and somehow even on the surface, the feeling never ends. I'm sorry I love you. I've killed my heart to make it true. I'm so sorry I ever met you. You're the only one that made me whole. A perfect being that battled gods, an unbreakable glass that always remained ever full.

I am but a dream, you are but a memory. I am flying high, you are roots in earth. Your love is a moment and mine is everlasting. You are an untied shoelace, I am double knotted. We once were a wonderful rotation, like the one our world makes now and again but now we are as magnets, forever pushing away from each other.

here i sit, ghostly in the mist. what was once passing time is now but a chiming in the wind. i died at twenty two. broken by the truth she told. and though i won't be buried for many years to come, my heart stopped on that faithful day.

when all came crashing down.

I still dream of you. Hits hard sometimes, when I do. A punch to the Heart, another crack in the soul.  I dream still, frozen in our moments.
In that other-world, we laze and lay, embrace and love even as if the time has not passed, moved on... Over us.


I still miss you and makes me feel crazy. But if one is all I get, I can't imagine a better dream.

Love,
Gilbere

End of the line for this silly wretch, his blood is too thick and his heart too big, for every passerby throws stones at it and laughs at the size like children taunting a wounded bird. He has reached the end of his pitiful rope, long over due in this cold world where we break each other hearts for sport and feel righteous while standing in the wreckage of one another. You who shamed the man back into a boy because you grew tired of his face in your pictures, should die a hundred deaths in a pit all alone for the sake of wisdom. Maybe you might do less harm in future lives to come.

running, laughter, heart break, suicide, born again, hopped up, multiply, try to fly, freak of nature, loved one, skinned knee, bold as che, blood on it all, can't stop the fall, rock bottom, ocean floor, math class , chocolate girl, stumbling, feelings hurt, crying alone, worthless drone, time to go,wipe it away, skipping, flying, sleeping, hugging, yelling, screaming, thumping, stupid thoughts, drunken tears, eternal lovers, cut down trees, life, darkness, dumb stuff, broken soul, god help us all.

4am. Late night 7eleven run. Hat, coat, scarf, out the door. As soon as I exit the building the cold invigorates me, I sip on the night air and breath out the steam of life. I walk slow and steady despite the drink in me, mastered my balance long ago. No one and nothing is awake but me and the stars. And I relish in the world's absence. As I walk, the street lights reveal it's snowing, little gingerly particles flutter toward me like a dusty lamp shade when disturbed. Memories flood back to me, times when I was in  love and every snowflake that dropped before me seemed to bring life anew. I stare longingly at the sky with an appreciation that could never be described with mortal words. Only that fleeting gaze that stays with you forever if it is set upon you, etching itself in your heart.

Then I walked home…Back to earth.

Comes home at end of days,
Pours oneself a drink.
Then another and another.
Can't talk about what's really wrong
when there's no one to tell to.
Goes to sleep then repeats.
Life slips by when the moments are
only captured through a single pair of
eyes. Never shared, never social.
Loveless in the world that cares not.
Not for one that cares not for self.
Time goes by at a rate of eternity. Eternity
goes by like a race that ends when one's
heart finally quits.

**** the day! with it's brightness and everlasting sight. i hate the sun! how it gets in your eyes and burns you even when its cold. seattle can go **** it! with all it's insufferable yuppies and endless rain. just gimme a dark place and blanket with no one else around.

for that's my idea of heaven.

An old woman once said to me, fear not for you are just a ghost, driving your body. Your body is just a skeleton wrapped in flesh and nerves. And though you may feel alone, we are all made of stardust old as the universe itself, connected by our timelessness. And if you ever feel out of control, just remember, we are all hurling on a rock, rounding a molten sphere at a 1,000 miles per hour always staying perfectly in sync.

Here writes the roots deep in the soil, wet and dark with not space to feel under the weight of our rotten, old weeping willow. The top limbs are old and covered in blood and shame. So long ago did they commit acts that turned our core black and withered us in state and soul. Tarnished is our trunk, for too much of us drank fire water and wailed at its younger parts about missed opportunities to grow. Over the ages, we've colored our rings with dark red and copper, making us knotted and stubborn, unable to sway in even the gentlest of breezes. For when we once stood straight and true, now we are but bent and broken, like a shadow upon the ground cast at night. Crushed under the heavy burden of ourselves.

Gone… You left me and with you, went my sanity. I dream no more in color nor do I feel the bliss of mornings light. I sit up and fret throughout the early hours and long for lover's rest. You took my mind and imbedded your simple sweetness within, making my slumbers a place unbearably kind. For each time I slip into myself, I go back to when we were the sun and moon. Like the agony of the god of stolen fire, woe is me, for every night you steal my heart and every day I must learn to live without it.

the reason i am. my hurt. my love. i'm selfish. i'm stupid. you, lovely. you, the reason for my hurt. i loved you. i grew my hair. i cut myself. i died. and you, you just kept on going. great god almighty, i don't believe in you. i'm tired. i'm drunk. i'm on my road to destruction. i will not turn away. unless you save me. because i can't live in this loneliness anymore. good ******* night.

*******. i hate your stupid ******* face. you left me and i fell apart. i am a crumbling mess of a man and you just keep on being you, making music and drawing and being happy with your new ******* boyfriend. you probably tell him he's perfect too. what a ******* lie. i should have spit those hollow words back at your feet. you hurt me so bad my body revolted against my mind and all i do anymore is fight away the panic and anxiety of  being me. i have new pills now, valume, effectsor and citalopram make up my new life.
i've bottled my anger until it made me pass out and puke but now, in this moment of painlessness, i just want you to know that you ****.
and i love you. i really, really do... but who the **** even cares. ****!

i remember it well, the day i died. i was in a park. filled with joy. you were there and so we walked. the bench smelled of sweat the homeless shed and tears from the broken souls. we sat and you crushed me so sweet and so bold. after you asked me if we ought to head to your house i accepted and we went there and i died. you didn't know it but i left my soul in your arms that day. when you held me because you didn't know what else to do. i floated away right then and even though my body was still able to lurch out of your front door, the essence was gone. now all i can do is watch. watch you live and love and cry and breath and work and go on without me. i have no desire to ever move on. even though my heart breaks every morning and heals by noon and is broken again by nightfall, i can't let go the feeling. that feeling you gave me, i still love it. i still long for it. but all this lonely ghost can do is wait, knowing that you moved on and even when you die, your ghostly shell still will not be satisfied with my love.

Dear Willa,

I'm writing you for health and recovery, not just selfish feelings of affection. The truth is your love haunts me still. When I turn off my lights at night, its as if you're in the corner of the room still whispering sweet gestures in my ear. My love persists without permission and only rears itself in my dreams. You are not just the girl of my dreams, you ARE the girl of my dreams. Even though your physical presence left me long ago, your phantom stays in my mind, caressing me and keeping me company in the loneliest crevasses of my brain. I miss you every morning and think of you often in waking life, though it seems harmful for me. I can't help but think of you when just the night before you smiled at me so sweet and told me you still love me in so many different scenes. It appears that when I told you my heart was yours with my hands cupped together with nothing but air in them and tears in my eyes, I was giving you more than I knew.

It's only you for me, just like the whooping crane, for he has a wife his for all his life and if she dies, he'll do the same.

Goodnight,
My Hotpak

i hate you. you invade my thoughts, you linger in my memories. I've tried to move on and you won't let me. you are the dark spot in my vision that will not fade. i was caught in your spiderweb forever ago and no matter how i struggle and fight, i can never shake loose because i am but skin and bones. the mist on my life is clearing, i now understand that every moment in this godforsaken world is insignificant no matter how much we believe otherwise. and in that, we are free. you hurt me so deep it shifted my earth. and even though my life is around a new corner, i fear you'll be in my heart forever.

When you all look inside, all you'll find a beast too dark to name.

beauty is most tragic of forms, like the gentle rain at the end of summer, marking the end of life. my hurt is endless, it softens and hardens of its own will. beauty in form, form in it, it being love, love that never ceases, love that cannot die. love that will not die. it goes on and on, like currents of the great ocean, like the days of my life. a river of blood and tears and ***** flow endlessly along my path, in an attempt to dry my veins and numb my pain. you, of the earth, my lonesome love, my one and only. may our gods bless your world. may they help you realize my love was true, that even in our dysfunction, there was nothing more important to me. you of godly names, my eternal lover, my heart and hands, my hurtful other, i will always love you.

good night and god bless the liquor.

i am nothing. i have nothing. i am no one. my body is not loved. my spirit is a stranger. i reside nowhere. my home is in my mind and i do not possess a mind. or a brain, or a body, or a soul because i am nothing. i am as air is. and that makes me free. but i am not free because i am nothing, and to be free you have to be. but because i am nothing, and i have nothing, and no one, there is no way for anything to hurt me anymore. no way to destroy me. for that has been done. and i am not a fan. so as i don't exist anymore, don't worry, because worrying about nothing is wasted time. and wasted time is only real sin in the world.

i am what no one is. i am what you want me to be. i will shape and contort myself for you. even if you don't want me. i am here. ready for the love to be reciprocated. i am nothing. you are everything. in this world where nothing matters. the loneliness is fracturing me like a weight on top of a sandcastle. slow and steady. its coming undone. just like my rambling. continue your journey away from me. soon you will be out of my sight. and i will be alone once more.

i cut my arm because it held your hand. i cut my other arm because it grabbed your **** from time to time. i cut my legs because it made me feel free and painless from your hell. i cut my face because i wanted to to be ugly and nameless, so yeah.

and that's just what i wanted out of this world. i cut my heart because i didn't want to be connected to you any longer. and that's all i could handle on the inside of my self. i cut my soul because that's what you wanted the entire time. i would've went forever loving you the most i could but now I'm just a skeleton, with nothing but my memories. through and through. my bones soaked with sorrow, my soul soaked with hurt. i love you until the end. and i know that's a foolish sentiment, but **** it, what else can i lose. nothing but my physical self, so I'll just keep writing my gospel. until i disintegrate.

hopefully you'll realize you care.

i love you.

i once had a lover, so timid was the air in which we flew upon. i remember it and it alone. we shot for the gods. a great distance, only fit for the young and the bold. fearless was our journey to what we thought was the promise of ever lasting love. we broke the sky and wandered in the stars for what seemed like just a blink of an eye but with our trespass, we had no right to call it home. so we fell. flaming do to speed, we hit rocky surface. shattered from our fall, unlikely to find every piece, we were not the same. one hand started to loosen. the other, in a panic, squeezed ever so tight. but in that benevolent attempt, it hurt its love and in doing so, reshaped it. warped in the desire to be held. nothing remained the same. shattered love returned to the earth. and we were no more. all that remains is a memory. so i will be the frozen snow, then maybe the dreams we shared might last forever.

sickness in vain making the earth rumble in the deep hoping that hearts connect and remain ungrateful so is but the truth in the shadows waiting for solemn strangers to wrestle the moon out of sky and stars away from the darkest night holy fools in oceans tides and nothing but hatred in your eyes now i sit in soot and grime waiting for my justly time to say the only feeling for yours is mine

Tick tock, the work clock never stops.
mind nothing that matters and fall into the hole
that ends when we retire.

Toiling all day makes me realize
I'm barely even an adult.

I don't know and can't show and as
the tick tock knocks hours off my clock,
all I want to do... is go home.

Drink myself into a stupor and
dream about being a kid again.

Its been 10 months. I still keep your picture in my wallet. It reminds me it wasn't a dream. I keep it in there because in truth, I can't remove it. every time I try, I stare at it and it just stares back, you stare back... Smiling.  Frozen, with your perfect, everlasting smile. And in that moment, I can see in your unchanging expression that you love me.

And then I put it back in my wallet.

So instead of removing it, sometime later, I find a place to get drunk and stumble home and bleed my eyes to sleep.

hello my ocean, we haven't talked in a while and i am drunk, so please forgive my frankness. i miss you like earth would miss the sun, i miss you like the air, i miss your face and your hair, i miss you. wholesomely and forever. every day we grow millimeters apart. i have come to the supreme realization that from the point when you intentionally separated us, we have become opposing magnets, and our hearts only seem to be able to push away. how i long to grasp you, hold on to your body, until the natural force of our separation rips me apart and spills my blood all over the landscape beneath our heavens above. but you wouldn't want that would you? all you want from me is to go quietly into the dark, so you can bask in your shining independence. so i will go. without fight, without struggle or scene. but know my love is still there, in the dark damp hole you walked away from, starving for the light. hoping the tides change, and you are swayed to seek my being.

goodnight, my love.

Don't hold on to anything. Nothing is where we all begin and where are we all will end. Everything in between is just a continuation of the unknown process that we all exist within.

Love means nothing, age is everything, we are dirt and dinosaurs. Absence is a relevant. Feelings are meaningless. Do everything, do nothing, no matter the outcome, nothing matters. We are matter.

Fly high, until you reach the stars or until your wax melts and your wings burn. The Sun'll burn us all away in time.

Don't hold on to anything, just let go and fall or float because we are all in the void.

I awake sometimes, numb to the storm that rules my life. I get up, brush my teeth, clip my nails and try to tend to all the things I neglect in my hurricane of sadness and mourning. Honestly I find it strange and foreign when these moments pass through me, like a man suddenly appearing in a wasteland, wandering all alone. Not knowing which direction to travel in or when the end will come for such a lonesome soul. Nevertheless, the vastness is undeniably awe inspiring. Somehow I find a peace in the clear weather of not feeling. A fleeting peace, but I try and take time to relish in the fact of not being pained by thoughts of the future. Its not like my mind is cleared of the thoughts or feelings, Its just that in those merciful periods I don't care. You haunt me wherever I go most days and even so, left to my own devices, I would probably never allow you to leave.

I find the time is a special kind of freedom I do so enjoy.
Unburdened by the thought of you.

my love is for one. pure and simple. my love is for you. my love is forever. my love is a rock. my love is the ocean. my love is for the blind. my love is blind. my love is as sand. my love will be my destruction. my love will be my end. my love is for you. for you and you alone. until i turn to powder and fly away with the wind. you are me and i of you. so be kind.

i am spiteful. and angry. and bitter. *******! **** god! **** your mom. you ruin hope without remorse. throw the litter to the gutter and set fire to my dreams. i am in a state of drunken rage and you are laughing. laughing at my ridiculous behavior. not mournful, not empathetic, but cold and merciless. your indifference cuts me like a porcelain shard, a dagger without form, you cut away my pillars and now i am falling to the ground, waiting for the day when i finally hit that blissful rocky bottom so maybe i can have some peace at last. you son of a daughter, you daughter of a coward, you messed up piece of this of this messed up world that tricked me into believing that there was good in this godforsaken, *****, horrible, liar infested, beautifully disgusting place where i waist my time thinking about you and knowing there's no thoughts being returned.

why? why? WHY?

i'm sick of my dreams. i'm sick of your presence. i'm sick of this earth. and my flesh and my tears and your face in my mind and my memories of the happy times. cutters, the truck, my bed, gasworks, the whole ******* city.

what did you do with the letter i gave back? did you throw away? why would you share my music with strangers? you think it was funny? did you laugh at my ridiculousness, i bet myself our friendship you won't even say happy birthday. whatever.

i'm drunk. your probably drunk. the whole ******* world is drunk. drunk on the pain of loss. and fear of being nothing. and ironically enough, the truth is we are all gods. and most of the time, we're gods of destruction and chaos and pain and sorrow.

have fun with that bigger future. i hope it implodes on you like mine did.

i'm messed up too. more than i ever let you know. i lost my first love and my best friend, my brother, abandoned me through a ******* email while was on vacation the first time around also. your timing was like something only a god of sorrow would design. beatings, mental abuse, oh what a lovely world we live in.

quick and painless right? just like a band-aid. good job. you're a ******* ninja. no one saw it coming, especially not me.

i'm starting to not be able to see straight so i'm gonna quit writing in this useless blog that no one reads or cares about and go back to my tv because it slowly kills through mind numbing boredom and that suits me just fine.

good night, i love... the rain.

When i leave the warmth and shelter of the place i reside and travel by bicycle for what seems like a million miles, just to get home so i can think and dream of the world when we ruled, those times belong to you.

I start by bundling up to protect from the cold. then i insert my earbuds to set the mood.

Then i put my feet in the the baskets of my bike and we blast off together like a rocket soaring down the street, weaving and dodging *** holes, arms spread wide like a bird in the night. half hoping that the bicycle might at some point, break apart from underneath allowing me take flight unrestricted, without worry for how i get back down to the ground.

then i travel back from the fantasy in my mind, all the way back to my eyes and i realize my house is within in sight. and my ride is over. and there's no one home. and i'll never take flight. and i fade a little on the inside.

time like world just night love good don't mind away walk think dream  light ******* want hope sleep place know lost drunk thing way god.

one of these days, you will be me. one of these days, i will be you. one of these days, the world will turn in my direction. one of these days, the wind will blow the dust across the sea. one of these days, i won't think of you quite so much. one of these days, my heart won't have so many cracks visible when you look into my eyes. one of these days, the tree's in my yard will be big and strong and no longer bothered by the wind. one of these days, we will be old and full of hard lessons and tired sighs. one of these days, we will return to the earth and be one again.

one of these days, but not today.

sitting, watching the rain fall onto a foggy window, love is gone. only mindless repetition and walking with no particular place to go. no more flying. unfortunately, i have been awakened to the sad fact that i am but a humble land creature and gravity has cursed me with the dirt as my master. so for now i sit, watching the birds fly by in silence. wishing i had ended my world, when i had my motivation.

Running through shadows, forever underneath them. Falling into sadness, killing myself to quell the fear. Living full of doubt and never knowing why. Throw myself in front of trains, just want to know how the steel passes the time. Pressed against the terra, I feel its heart beat underneath the dirt. But no matter how fast I dig, I can never seem to reach it.